Growing health and effectiveness

A blog centered around The Addington Method, leadership, culture, organizational clarity, faith issues, teams, Emotional Intelligence, personal growth, dysfunctional and healthy leaders, boards and governance, church boards, organizational and congregational cultures, staff alignment, intentional results and missions.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Why do we tolerate bad behaviour in the church?

Here is an interesting question: Why do we tolerate what is just plain bad behavior in our churches? It can be abusive pastors, church leaders who misuse their authority, those with power in the congregation or Uncle Joe who is just obnoxious. In some cases the behaviors are so ingrained that it becomes the culture of the congregation.

It is interesting to me that we will label bad theology for what it is but not bad behavior and  yet bad behavior is just as toxic as bad theology. And in evangelical circles, far more prevalent.

One of the keys to fighting bad behavior and habits in the church is to build a culture that is intentionally healthy. One need not focus on the negative but on a culture that is God honoring. Henry Cloud is right in his observation that "leaders get what they create or allow" (Boundaries for Leaders). If we don't create an alternative culture we simply get the amalgamation of "what is" and "what is" is often not very healthy.

The second part of his statement is just as important. When we allow problematic behaviors we will get them. If we are clear about what is honoring to God and what we don't do in our congregation we will get far less of the problematic. When was the last time in your congregation someone was kindly told that their behaviors are not acceptable? 

In this regard, "Christian nice" is not helpful. It is like Minnesota nice were we skirt important issues rather than address them. The Apostle Paul was pretty clear on behaviors that are healthy and those that are not (see Ephesians and Colossians). In the book of Ephesians in particular he describes a preferred culture and is clear about what is not acceptable. 

Creating a healthy culture is very possible. My book, Leading From the Sandbox addresses how to do this. Remember, we get what we create or allow.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Passive aggressive behavior is organizational guerrilla warfare

Guerrilla warfare is unconventional warfare, hard to anticipate and contain as it operates in the shadows but pops into the the light from time to time. The same is true of passive aggressive behavior within organizations. It is a way of quietly subverting something or someone in the shadows and behind the scenes while portraying an attitude of cooperation. This is why I have elsewhere called the behavior a form of dishonesty. It portrays one thing and actually does another.

Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms. It can include delaying tactics on things that others need to be done, not communicating key pieces of information that others need, being supportive in person and unsupportive behind the scenes with others, ignoring standard processes, not keeping promises, and other behaviors that are meant to prick or hurt an individual or a group that they don't like or have a bone to pick with. But, it is done in the shadows where it is hard for others to hold them accountable.

I once was the target of such an individual who delayed their response, didn't tell me they needed additional information so they could fulfill their obligation and used less than gracious wording in their communications so that it sent a message but was not overtly over the line. The individual obviously meant to send me a message through their actions and I got it loud and clear. It was subtle but effective. I had no desire to further work with that individual and instead dealt with their supervisor and not them (they don't work for me).

Why does this matter? It matters for two reasons. First, passive aggressive individuals are telling you through their behavior that they are not truly with you. In other words you have someone who says they are on the team but in reality they are not. Their heart is not there or they have a bone to pick with leadership but either way they are not truly on your team. You have an obvious lack of alignment.

Second, if you consider the behaviors above, they hurt the work of whatever team they are on by being like sludge in the works. Their lack of active cooperation inevitably gets in the way of what the team or organization is trying to do. It hurts the team and the organization.

How do you deal with passive aggressive individuals? In my experience the first thing to do is to address the unacceptable behaviors when they occur. If there is a pattern of those behaviors, keep track of them and with a passive aggressive individual there will be a pattern. At some point the pattern of behavior can be addressed.

Because this is guerrilla warfare that operates from the shadows. in some cases you simply allow the individual enough rope to hang themselves since ongoing behaviors like this will eventually irritate enough people that you can act on them. You cannot go to motives but you can hold people accountable for their behaviors.

If you suspect you have passive aggressive behaviors going on in your organization, keep an eye on it as it could hurt you, your team or the organization itself. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner

One of the observations I have made in working with churches who are experiencing conflict is that we generally don't do it very well. Conflict itself is not bad if it involves differing ideas as to how to accomplish our mission. The issue is always how we handle the conflict, or our differences. It is poor handling of differences that get us in trouble, not the differences themselves which are merely differing perspectives on what should be done. That being said, here are some principles that can help us negotiate conflict or differences in a healthy manner.

One: Disagreement and expressing that disagreement is not wrong. Some are afraid to share their opinions because they have been told that to do so is gossip. It is not. All of us have the right to share our views in the church with the caveat that we do it in a healthy manner. It is unhealthy to try to shut down discussion in the church. It is OK to talk. It OK to express our views. It is OK to differ with others.

Two: Gossip is sin. Gossip is "idle talk or rumor, especially about personal or private affairs of others" (Wikipedia). Gossip is different than sharing our opinion for it goes to the motivations or actions of others and is generally destructive in nature. Scriptures are clear that gossip is wrong. Gossip includes questioning the motives of others, passing along third party information as fact, and denigrating others. Disagreement or stating our views is not gossip, it is simply defining what we are thinking.

Three. Robust dialogue is healthy. Robust dialogue means that we can put any issue on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. There are differing views in congregations on any number of issues. It is good to talk about those things but to do so without personal attacks, hidden agendas or language that inflames rather than informs. Healthy leaders invite healthy dialogue and listen to those who speak.

Four: Unity in diversity is critical. Unity within the body of Christ is a high value in Scripture. Congregations are made up of different views, opinions, social and ethnic backgrounds but it is the Holy Spirit that binds us together as one. Each of us has the same Holy Spirit in his or her heart and that spirit is a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, gentleness, and self control. If we live in His Spirit we can have differences and still remain united as one body. As Paul put it in Ephesians 4:3, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Five: Being able to disagree and stay in relationship is good Emotional Intelligence and demonstrates the work of the Holy Spirit. Each of us has preferences and opinions on many things in the church. What we want to be able to do is to state those positions but remain in fellowship and friendship with those who hold a differing position. This is not always easy but it is Biblical.

Six: By extension, marginalizing or demonizing those who disagree with us is bad Emotional Intelligence and does not reflect the Holy Spirit. It is one thing to disagree with someone. It is another to believe that they are bad people because they believe differently and to allow our differences to shatter our relationships, trust or to see them as evil. This does not reflect the will of the Holy Spirit.

Seven: Taking on the offense of others is foolish and wrong.My best friend has an issue with someone in the church so out of friendship I take up their offense and allow their issue to become my issue. This is foolish and wrong because I have allowed my friend to alienate me from others when I have no personal reason to do so. Nor can I resolve an issue that is not my issue. It happens in families and congregations and it contributes to greater conflict.

Eight: The church is the Bride of Christ and therefore we must display the attitude of Christ toward one another even when we differ from one another. The church is not like any other organization for it is the Bride of Jesus and His chosen instrument to reach the world. We of all people need to be His people in good times and in hard times. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." 

Nine: Forgiveness is often needed when we have conflict. We need not apologize for having differing views and perspectives but we do need to apologize when our words, attitudes or actions get the best of us and we say or do things that are not pleasing to God. I have often had to apologize in times of conflict. God is pleased when we keep short accounts and forgive those who need forgiveness and seek forgiveness when we need it.

Ten: Pray diligently! When we focus on ourselves we want to be right and win. When we focus on God we start to see those who differ with us in a different light and desire God to win. In prayer, our hearts are often softened and changed, our humility is increased and our desire for a Godly solution is heightened.

There will be conflict this side of heaven. Lets do all we can to handle it well.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Roger Goodell and why doing the right thing at the right time matters

A picture of Roger Goodell's press conference regarding Ray Rice

I have to admit that growing up in Hong Kong in the sixties did not translate into being a huge football fan. However, I have been watching this story with interest both from a leadership point of view on Roger Goodell's part and from a domestic violence point of view.

Roger Goodell is trying to keep his job after badly handling Ray Rice's abuse of his then fiancee. In July Goodell suspended running back Ray Rice for two games for knocking her out with a punch in an elevator. Then, when people responded in anger he announced a domestic violence policy punishment of six games and then banned Rice indefinitely. 

Unfortunately there have been many instances of domestic abuse in the NFL and the response from the league has been less than consistent. Goodell's handling of the Rice Affair, however, revealed both a failure of leadership and a terrible insensitivity toward one of society's largest problems, domestic abuse.

On the leadership side, one generally gets one chance to get it right in a crisis like Goodell faced. That is why wise leaders don't do what Goodell did and make a decision by themselves. They consult others. Further they think about who is impacted by their decision. It would seem that Goodell chose the economics of football over the hundreds of thousands of victims of domestic abuse who saw his two game suspension to be a farce. To make matters worse he compounded his leadership failure by a second and then third change of mind. He failed at a critical juncture of his leadership and probably should not keep his job.

On the subject of domestic abuse. What Goodell did reflects the deep insensitivity of many toward how men treat women in our world. Abuse is never, never OK and yet here it is treated as a trivial matter by a leader of one of the most well known sports leagues in America. How can that be in 2014? With a slap on the hand life (read football) was to go on as normal. Fortunately society said "no!" and forced him to change his mind. Even then he didn't get it and society said "no" again. No one gets a pass when they mistreat their spouse! People put pressure on sponsors who responded with pulling their promotions and finally forcing the league to take notice.

Goodell did not even get his press conference right, arriving fifteen minutes late and poorly trying to explain his actions. Leaders need to do the right thing at the right time and in cases like this you get one chance to get it right. 

My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Wise pastors always pay attention to these priorities

There are many things that can get a pastor into trouble but lets talk about some things that can help them stay out of trouble. Often when we do hit crisis points it is the lack of these investments that creates our largest problem.

Staying close to your board members. Healthy board relationships are all about spending enough time together (individually and corporately) that there is a reservoir of good will, understanding, empathy for one another and the ability to talk honestly with each other. All of that takes time. Wise leaders take the time to get to know their board members, listen carefully to them and develop a heart connection. This includes a pastoral component. A healthy senior leader is always a pastor to his board members. 

Staying connected to your staff and support staff. Influence comes from relationship. I am surprised at how many senior leaders do not invest time with their staff, sometimes even key staff - yet they want the loyalty of those same staff. Every investment in relationship is an investment in better understanding, the willingness of staff to go the second mile and a common mission. Senior leaders ignore their staff at their peril because when push comes to shove those who don't have relationship will often not have the support of those staff.

Staying close to Jesus. That may seem obvious but it is not. Many Christian leaders have a professional relationship with Jesus - they serve Him rather than an intimate relationship with Him where they stay with Him. Our spiritual lives are only as good as the last time we spent with our Savior so living in His presence  and living in His Scriptures are critical elements. The more time we spend with Him the more we start to look like Him. The less time we spend with Him the less we look like Him. 

Missional clarity. People need to know who we are and where we are going and how we are going to get there. Simple - yet often not articulated by senior leaders. In the absence of ministry clarity there are many definitions of clarity which leads to conflict and misunderstanding. People on separate pages cannot be on the same page and end up going different directions. Unless a senior leader facilitates a clear and common direction in collaboration with his board and staff multiple directions emerge which eventually comes back to hurt the senior leader.

Loving people. While senior leaders cannot be the single shepherd, it must be known to the board, staff and congregation that they truly love those they serve. People will forgive a lot if they are loved. If they don't feel loved and cared for they are less likely to overlook those things that irritate them. Oh yes! Loving people reflects the heart of Jesus. The priority is not programs but people and their transformation into His image. That love and concern needs to extend to every generation in the congregation, not just our own generation.

Spiritual transformation.
What spells success? It is really pretty simple: More believes and better believers. It is the spiritual transformation of individuals from being a seeker, to a believer and from a believer to a Christ centered life. Pastors who take their eyes off of this central mission of the church allow the peripheral to cloud out the central.

Emotional and relational health. Poor EQ gets in the way of pastors more than anything else. Wise pastors pay a great deal of attention to their own emotional and relational growth so that they become skilled at negotiating relationships, resolving conflict, working synergistically with staff and board and living with transparency and non-defensiveness.

Wise pastors pay close attention to each of these priorities.

My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

8 reasons in my experience that churches experience major conflict



1. Churches are like families and all families face tensions at one time or another. When my immediate family gets together for a reunion from my parents on down there are over 100 present. No family makes it through without disagreements, bad feelings from time to time or irritations. Churches are nothing more than an amalgamation of families and it is only the Holy Spirit that allows most congregants to do well with one another when you consider the different backgrounds, social levels, political views and ethnic groups that make up the average church. By definition then, all churches will have conflict.

2.  Bad Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a significant factor in church conflict. The inability to control our emotions, anger and words all contribute to the heightening of conflict rather than the de-escalation of conflict. The lower the combined EQ of the congregation the more likely that conflict will escalate and that behaviors will get out of hand and inflame the situation. In congregations with good EQ, there is a recognition that our behaviors, words and attitudes must be kept in check so that rational conversations can take place, hopefully leading to greater understanding.

3. Personal agendas from people who have influence. Personal agendas in the church are problematic for two reasons. First, the agenda for any congregation is already set by Jesus, the Lord of the Church and understanding His agenda is the role of church leaders. Second, anytime an individual seeks to impose their agenda on the church they have violated the principle of leadership by a plurality of Godly leaders. No one gets their way in the church except Jesus. Trying to impose our will will inevitably lead to conflict with those who do not agree with our agenda.

4. Leaders who do not run good process in change management. Change without a good process that allows people to understand, buy in and be a part of the process will create conflict. In one church I attended, there was an executive decision to cancel all ABF groups which disenfranchised and angered many who found them to be helpful and important to their spiritual growth. Whether the decision was the right one is not the issue. The lack of process inflamed emotions and led to larger conflict within the church. When church leaders do not pay attention to bringing people with them (process) they will incur the wrath of those who feel that their church was stolen from them.

5. Senior pastors who are dysfunctional and lack wisdom, discernment and Emotional Intelligence. These may be brilliant preachers and teachers but the deficits noted above will eventually create significant conflict as they disempower people, marginalize those who do not agree with them, and treat people poorly. Eventually the pile of bodies behind them is significant enough that people start to pay attention and the dysfunction creates chaos which in turn fuels conflict. Lack of wisdom in change, in how we treat people, in running process all contributes to eventual conflict.

6. Lack of clarity. In the absence of clarity (who are we? where are we going? what is our preferred culture? What are our non-negotiables?), people create their own clarity and vision for the church. Soon you have multiple visions for the church and ultimately those visions will collide and create significant conflict over who we are and where we are going. Being everything to everyone will end up with conflict.

7. Poor leadership from leadership boards. In most church conflict I ultimately hold elected leaders responsible either for ignoring the symptoms above or for not handling the conflict well. Boards that allow senior leaders to mistreat staff or congregants, who don't help the church get to clarity, who ignore known issues that become larger issues that blow up, who don't insist on good change processes or who don't listen to the congregation all provide kindling for eventual conflict. Healthy boards pay attention, ask the hard questions, remain united and provide directional clarity for the church. The better your board the less likely that conflict will get out of hand.

8. Lack of leadership from the senior leader or his team. In the absence of leadership, someone will step into the leadership vacuum, sometimes multiple individuals will. Passive senior leaders (If I just preach everything will be OK) often lay the groundwork for conflict through their passivity. Under passive leaders, staff is without direction, dysfunctional leadership paradigms arise and and the congregation wanders like Moses and the Israelites in the desert. Both controlling leadership and passive leadership can easily lead to conflict.

You may not have conflict at present but if any of the eight issues above apply to your congregation you may want to pay attention as they can be antecedents to trouble down the line. If you suffer from several of these issues your chances of conflict go up significantly.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.