Conflict and problem avoidance create sick churches

A common characteristic of troubled or sick congregations is the trait of problem or conflict avoidance. This aversion to dealing with problems honestly because it may create conflict (and it probably will) creates a dysfunctional congregation because there is no venue for resolving real problems. 

Pretending there are not problems or conflict when there are and refusing to deal with known problems is a crazy maker because the pretense that all is well is believed by those who don't know better, disbelieved by those who know better and confusing for those who don't know what to think which creates mistrust, confusion, lack of clarity, and relational breakdown.

A culture of conflict or problem avoidance starts with the church board who are responsible for ensuring the health of the church. Dysfunctional boards are afraid of dealing with conflict and therefore either avoid the issues altogether, spin issues with the congregation to paint a better picture than is reality, or find excuses for why the problems exist that are not accurate. The bottom line is that they don't want to deal with reality, don't want to be honest with themselves and don't want to disclose to the congregation the whole truth.

The problem is that avoidance does not work. First, when you avoid solving real problems they will resurface in a more virulent way. The root of the problem is not dealt with and like a weed that is not fully pulled out it will simply come back. 

Second, while some people are fooled (above), others are not. They understand that there are problems that are not being disclosed and dealt with or that they are not being given the whole truth and these individuals lose trust in their leaders. Once leaders have lost trust with a segment of the congregation you have the genesis of even more conflict within the congregation. Others who are simply confused, as noted above, become pawns of those who are fooled or are not fooled and you have a recipe for chaos. 


The sad thing is that boards that avoid dealing openly and honestly with problems or conflict become even more dysfunctional themselves because truth, honesty and openness create health while avoidance of these create more dishealth.  It is not only a failure of leadership and cowardice but it is a violation of their Scriptural role to lead well and it contributes to greater dishealth in the congregation as a whole. Sadly, there are boards that do this over and over and over. One of the common symptoms of this are congregations that are plateaued or in decline: it is the inevitable result of poor leadership by boards.

How does one deal with a situation like this? It takes one or two courageous board members who will challenge their board to be honest and to deal with real situations in a healthy way - to refuse to avoid conflict and problems that exist. Or, members of the congregation who sense what is happening and challenge the board to do the same. Hard questions by board members or congregants at least bring the issues to the surface and gives either the board or the congregation the option of dealing with them.


In cases where boards and congregations continue to avoid problems or conflict there is one common response. The best leaders in the congregation as well as those who understand the dynamics quietly migrate out of the church. They are unwilling to stay indefinitely in a dysfunctional church system (which is what this is - like a dysfunctional family) because they know it is not healthy and will not be effective in growing healthy disciples. Nor do they want to bring their friends to a sick church.


Boards and congregations who don't honestly face their issues are in fact sick churches. Sick churches cannot grow healthy disciples. In fact, what they do is to create sick and dysfunctional disciples over time. Those who speak truth or challenge the "system" are often marginalized and find that they don't fit in - it is no different than a sick or dysfunctional family. So either one conforms and joins the system or they leave for a healthier congregation.


There are no easy solutions for sick boards or congregations. The greatest hope comes when they can face the fact that they need help and seek that help from outside their board or congregation - a neutral third party who can speak truth to their situation. But that takes a humility that sick boards often do not have. Usually when faced with truth they circle the wagons to protect themselves and avoid the hard work of honest evaluation and renovation.

The one thing your leader wishes he/she could ask you for

All of us are under authority from a leader and all of us who have a church home have a pastor. It is easy to either take them for granted or to be critical of their foibles but the most strategic thing we can do for them is to pray for them - daily. As their life goes, relationally, spiritually, in their family, marriage and personal walk with God - our lives are impacted in some way.


Think about this: ministry leaders have a big target painted on their backs by the evil one. The greater their impact the larger the target. If he can take out, discourage, distract, divert or otherwise compromise a ministry leader he has impacted all those who that leader leads or influences. Their protection is their own walk with God and the many who are willing to be shield bearers for them by praying for them. I know from my own leadership experience that it has been the prayers of many - especially during near fatal illnesses that preserved my own life. I would not do what I do as a missions leader without the prayers of hundreds who take up shields for me.


There is another reason to pray daily. Ministry leaders are in a lonely job. It is very easy to take shots at leaders (they represent the organization) and many do. Unfortunately the most painful arrows come not from the outside but from the inside. It is easy to be critical and it is painful to be the object of the criticism, anger, or gossip. Healthy leaders do not respond with anger or like attitudes but they have to deal with the pain internally. One of the character traits of leaders is that they are willing to take the pain and carry on but it does not lesson the pain. And while those who are critical can talk to anyone they choose (and often do), leaders cannot. 


If you read the books of first and second Corinthians you see the pain that Paul felt from his critics in that church. If Paul was not exempt (to say nothing of Jesus) other leaders will not be exempt.


But prayer changes the equation. Our prayers bring the comfort, peace, joy and perspective of the One on the throne to our spiritual or ministry leaders in the midst of the challenges they face. It is the greatest gift we can give them. We can literally call down the blessings of heaven on our leaders if we choose to do so. 


And what if we have reason to be unhappy with our pastor or leader? They (we) all have shadow sides, foibles, and dysfunctions. The best thing we can do in that circumstance is to pray for them. We cannot change them, but God can work in their hearts and lives. And, God might just work in our lives regarding our perspective or attitude as well. 


I live in the world of leaders, church and ministry. I can tell you that they deeply covet the prayers of those they lead. They know they, like the rest of us, have feet of clay. They know they are deeply imperfect. They know they are targets of the evil one as well as of disgruntled people who they lead. If they could ask one thing of their constituency it would be: "Please pray daily for me - be a shield bearer for me and take me to the throne of God because it will protect me, change me, encourage me and give me the wisdom I need to lead wisely."


It is the greatest gift we could give our leaders.

Visionary or focused leaders

We often hear the term "visionary leader" in Christian ministry circles. It is used to describe leaders who have expansive vision for their ministry's future. "Visionary leaders" are sometimes like salespeople trying to sell their people on their vision. 

"Visionaries," however, are often unfocused, scattered, have more ideas than the ministry can absorb, are easily distracted by the next great idea and seem by their staff to be going in different directions depending on the day or the next big thing. In other words, they can envision great things but can be low on the scale of focused direction and ministry execution.

I strongly believe that leaders need to be able to envision what can be for their ministry. But, it must be a focused direction with the ability to lead the ministry toward that goal in a disciplined and orderly way without the distractions of the next "big idea" or multiple and confusing focuses. 


Vision without the ability to deliver on the vision is empty vision. It may sound great but like sales hype, if it cannot deliver it is not helpful. What ministries need are leaders who understand how the ministry can maximize its spiritual influence and then help the ministry go there over the long haul. These are the leaders who see their ministries make the most significant difference.

There are three kinds of leaders. The status quo leader who is content with managing ministry as it is without much change or innovation. Then there are confusing leaders who have great vision but are chasing those visions in ways that cause consternation for their staff. Finally, there are focused leaders who have a goal in mind and lead their ministry in a disciplined and focused way toward that goal.

Focused leaders are usually far more effective than what we often call visionary leaders. They know what the goal is and they focus their ministry on that goal with discipline. While they are highly flexible in their strategy, they don't waver in their direction of focus. 

Never Settle!

I turned 55 this year. It is a wonderful and dangerous place to be. Wonderful because I have accumulated a great deal of experience and paid a lot of dumb tax that hopefully I don't have to pay again. I have learned faith the hard way through many tough times. I have stared death in the face twice and it blinked (God was gracious) and have learned first hand His power and sovereignty. Things that were hard in the past are easier. I have a bank account of God's faithfulness that sustains me when facing uncertainty today. 

I know a lot less than I did when I was young but what I know I know with greater certainty. Not needing to know everything is liberating. I have been humbled enough times to be comfortable with an attitude of "nothing to prove, nothing to lose," which frees me to be me. I know that I have a few strengths and everything else are weaknesses - and I am not only OK with that but glad that I can focus on who God made me to be.

Fewer things cause me anxiety or worry. I have learned greater patience and rely more on God's power than I used to. I do less and let Him do more. I focus on fewer things with greater focus. It is a wonderful place to be. 

But also dangerous - because it would be easy to coast on past experience, lessons learned, dumb tax paid, past faith and not press into life with the same passion and energy as the first half. 

Just today I received this prayer from a friend: "Lord, would you make my brother TJ bold for you. Help him not to be satisfied with what you have allowed him to do but rather to look to you for still more opportunities to proclaim the wonders of the gospel. Make him fruitful this day for the Kingdom."

I don't want to settle! I would love to go slower and more wisely, taking full advantage of all I have learned and experienced but I don't want to settle! If anything, I would love to have more impact than I had in the past - in line with the gifting God has graciously given me. So I fight the urge to rest on the past and lose the willingness to risk and press into even greater faith. 

Ironically, I think it is easier to risk when we are young because we don't know all the implications of that risk. As we get older we understand more fully what risk means. Thus it takes more faith as we age to take the risks we once took for granted. And perhaps more intentionality. 

It also takes more humility not to be fooled by success and believe that it is about us. It is not: it is fully about God. Or to think we have accomplished what we have by our wisdom and power. That is why I surround myself with friends who tell me the truth and are also pressing on. 


I don't want to settle. You?

Ten markers of grace filled people and congregatons

There are ten characteristics of congregations that are grace filled. These ten markers set them apart from the vast majority of congregations in the world. All are directed toward other people but come out of hearts that have been radically transformed by the grace of Jesus in their own lives. Congregations that have these markers are like magnets to believers who have never experienced this kind of grace and to spiritual seekers who encounter a new kind of Christian in those who exhibit these Jesus traits. Think about these markers in your life and their power when multiplied throughout a congregation.


Grace filled people assume the best of one another. Every relationship is one assumption away from misunderstanding and misunderstandings create relationship breakage. Usually, however, our assumptions about the intention of the other party are wrong: they did not intend to cause us pain. Assuming the best of others and their actions is a grace thing to do and it prevents unnecessary relational breakage.

When an offense has been committed either by us or against us, grace filled people quickly move to repair the relationship where that is possible. They are quick to forgive and resist holding onto offenses committed.


Grace filled people cultivate generous rather than critical spirits towards others. There is plenty to be critical of others about just as Christ could be deeply critical about us. Like Him we choose to love rather than criticize and cultivate as spirit of acceptance (a critical spirit is really a spirit of non-acceptance). Critical spirits also come from our own pride.

Grace filled people love to extend grace to those who need it and we all do - often. It is grace to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to love those who have fallen, to accept those who are struggling with sin, addictions or just the consequences of the fall. When hard words need to be said, they are always said in love rather than in condemnation. Their goal is always restoration and health.

Grace filled people are transparent about their own issues, struggles and failures in appropriate settings. They don't pretend that they have it all together (none of us do). They are willing to share their struggles because they are not living with masks or pretense. It takes only one man to share his struggle with porn, to send a message to many others also struggling in secret that there are others like them and it is OK to admit one's need. Transparency is the first step toward growth.


Grace filled people love to pray for others. In grace filled congregations it is a common sight to simple see people in conversation and then being prayed for. Issues of life are quickly lifted up the the throne without embarrassment or apology. Taking people and their situations to the throne of God is valued, practiced and habitual. 


Grace filled people love the unloved, those who live on the margins, those who the rest of society forget or shuttle to the side. This includes the poor and the disabled. Just as Jesus had a radar for the down and out so do grace filled people. They have cultivated the heart of God for all people, not just people like them. This is one of the reasons that grace filled congregations are always involved in the community, meeting needs and sowing love.


Grace filled people love to love on others. Words of encouragement, acts of kindness, help in crisis. They are lovers of people because people matter to God. When opportunities to help others come across their path they do what they can to help, to love and encourage.


Grace filled people speak with kind, encouraging and loving words. Words that lift, words that encourage, words that build up, words that quiet anger. People leave their presence with a greater sense of their worth and knowing that they are loved. 

Grace filled people always point people toward the source of all grace - Jesus. They are not content to be people of grace but want others to know the source of that grace. They love to introduce others to the the One from whom all grace flows, Jesus.

I wish for this kind of grace in my life and I wish for this kind of grace in my church - and in all churches.

Our blessing of others is an indication of a kingdom heart

Those with kingdom hearts do not simply focus on their church or their ministry but they intentionally bless the ministries of others. I love the concept of local churches who weekly and publicly pray for other churches in the community. In doing so, they are not only calling down God's blessing on those other churches but sending a message to their congregation that "we as Christ followers are in this together" and that God's work is greater than our local work.

The same could be said for missions who pray for other missions and ministries who choose to pray for their fellow ministries. In fact, praying for like minded ministries is the first step in moving from competition to cooperation.

There is a group of churches in Gurnee, Illinois who have banded together across denominational lines to intentionally bring the gospel to every home in Gurnee in a relevant way. That did not start with some grand scheme for evangelism. It started as kingdom minded pastors gathered over the course of a number of years and developed relationships with one another, prayed with and for one another and for their community. As their hearts were knit together through prayer, their hearts were expanded beyond their own provincial interests to the broader Kingdom and Jesus interests of all people in Gurnee being introduced to the Gospel.

Provincialism - thinking only about ourselves and focusing only on building our ministry fosters competition. It also fosters pride in what we do and how we do it rather than a humble acknowledgement that we are but one of many ministries that contribute to the enlargement of His kingdom. We want a mindset that appreciates our part in God's work but also appreciates that we are but one ministry committed to accomplishing his purposes.

For instance, ministries that focus on themselves rarely cooperate with other ministries. This is true of mission agencies and local churches. If an idea is not their idea, they will rarely use it. And so we duplicate resources and energy rather than leveraging ourselves together for the sake of the Gospel.

Kingdom hearts start at two levels. First, it starts at the level of prayer where we pray for others as we pray for ourselves. And second, the level of relationship where we get to know each other, and through relationship start to appreciate one another and the value that our ministries bring to the table. We also begin to trust one another. As God knits our hearts together we find ways to bless one another and ways to cooperate with one another.

Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition

If the discourse on CNN, Fox, or CNBC are any indication, the level of dialogue, conversation and discussion in our world has continued to sink to new lows. Even among God's people, there is often a great deal of carelessness in what we say and how we say it. Yet, Jesus was clear that what comes out of our mouths reflects the contents of our hearts and our words for better or for worse reflect our followership of Jesus.

Scripture would encourage us to reclaim wise, considered and honoring speech. Solomon wisely wrote, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)." Or as David wrote, "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:13-14)." 


Words matter. Words either lift the reputation of Jesus or bring it down. Words encourage or discourage. Words heal or wound. Words either take into consideration God's point of view on issues or merely ours. Words are powerful and can cause pain for a lifetime or healing from a lifetime of pain. Words reflect the life giving of Jesus or the life taking of the evil one. Careless words hurt while considered words bring life. Words matter.  Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition.


Here are some biblical principles regarding our words, speech and conversation.

• Coarse and vulgar language does not honor God.
• The wise listen, evaluate and consider before talking. It is considered rather than careless speech.
• When needing to speak truth we do so in love, humility and with words that bring people toward us rather than push them away.
• Gossip, slander and second hand information are rigorously avoided.
• Our conversation should build others up and encourage them in their life and faith.
• Our words are either life giving or life taking: the first reflects Jesus and the second reflects the evil one (John 10:10).
• Our opinions (words) should be reflective of what we understand God would have to say about any given situation.
• Our words either bring people nearer to God or push them further away. Our words either lift ourselves up or lift God up.
• We will account for all the words we speak in our lifetimes so we ought to speak with eternity in mind.

Never underestimate the power of our words for good or evil. How many of us remember words spoken to us that have hurt for a lifetime - and words of healing that have been deeply healing. Because so much of our life involves, words, speaking, conversation and dialogue, much of our life is defined by the words we speak. Much of our impact on others is defined by the words we speak in their presence. Most of all they reflect the contents of our hearts and minds. 

Leaders set the standard of discourse in their organization as parents do in the home. In all conversations each of us sets the tone by how we choose to communicate. Our words have great influence over others. 


May we be Jesus with our words and speech!