The characteristics of a self defined individual

Even though we often don't want to admit it, it is far easier to swim in the currents of other people's ideas and convictions than to have our own. This is why boards, for instance often don't deal with sensitive topics. No one on the board wants to state their own convictions if it causes discomfort to others. Group think can be the bane of any group that works together. It is simply easier to adopt the viewpoint of the group rather than rock the boat with a viewpoint that might be different.

The problem with this is that it is not healthy and it deprives us of the ability to think for ourselves and hold our own opinions. Healthy people are self defined. They have their own opinions and convictions and are willing to share them even when it goes against the crowd. It may cause disruption to the comfort of the group but it challenges the prevailing group think and causes others to think more deeply. It is also far more honest and authentic than simply going with the crowd.

Self defined individuals think deeply and while they take in the perspectives of others they come to their own conclusions. Because of this they are often the ones who raise the hardest questions in a group as they are not party to group think.

What are the characteristics of a self defined individual?

• They know who they are in terms of strengths and weaknesses
• They think deeply about issues and come to their own conclusions
• They are not afraid to share their opinions even when it goes against group think or conventional wisdom
• They listen to others and evaluate their opinions but in the end they make up their own minds
• They are not afraid to be who they are
• They are not intimidated by the opinions of others even when there is a clash of ideas

Three truths Isis does not understand as they seek to "break the cross."

 

Isis has just released a 45,000 word missive telling Christians to break the cross and join their Islamic state. It claims that Jesus will soon return to do the same because Christians have made Him into something he was never meant to be. In reality He is a "slave to Allah." If Christians will not break the cross, the Islamic state will - in acts like the murder of a Catholic priest in Normandy last week.

Their acts are meant to put fear into the hearts of Christ followers. But here is what Isis does not know.

One:  The evil one thought he had won the battle against God when Christ was crucified. What he did not count on was the resurrection of Christ. At that moment every principality and power of this world was defeated and all they can do until Christ returns is fight a losing battle. Neither Isis or any other group will ever break the cross.

Two: When the church is under persecution it expands rather than contracts. Mao thought he could eradicate the church. What resulted is the largest church in the world. In Roman times, the rulers thought they could eradicate the church but three hundred years after Christ, Christianity became the official faith of the Roman empire. As Tertullian wrote, "The blood of the martrys is the seed of the church." Every time Isis tries to eradicate Christianity more people come to Christ. It is a losing battle. Again to quote Tertullian, "The more you mow us down, the more numerous we grow; the blood of Christians is seed."

Three: While evil can prevail for a time it ultimately loses and is judged by the God of the Universe. History is His story and His will is the only one that will ultimately prevail. He is the beginning and the end! The alpha and omega. There will be a new heaven and earth and Christ will reign over all.

As Christ followers we need to keep these three truths in mind as we watch the news and rather than live in fear we ought to live with the conviction that Christ is growing His church and that He will ultimately prevail.

Eight practices that will lead to a life of greater serenity and peace

Our world can be characterized by out-of-control schedules, lack of rest, frenetic activity, and little margin. Yet our hearts long for peace and serenity. We cannot change the frenetic pace of our world, but we can choose to live in peace and serenity ourselves. Here are eight practices that can lead to a life of greater serenity.

1. Places of refuge. These are places where our hearts feel at peace and where we can slow down. For me, it includes a study in my home that has no television, is filled with books, and a comfortable couch. Whenever I enter, I feel a special peace come over me because it is a place of peace. It may also be a stream where I can fly fish in solitude. For all of us, it will be different, but identifying those places of refuge that we can go to regularly will help us negotiate what is otherwise a busy existence.

2. Time with Jesus. Out-of-control schedules or even the typical challenges of our lives lead to anxiety and personal stress. The best place to leave our anxiety and stress is with Jesus, who told us that he can bring peace to our souls. Who does not long for peace? Psalm 23 says, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." It is a picture of rest, quietness, peace - in the presence of God. But none of that happens in frenetic activity. Only in quietness and time with Him.

3. Quiet reflection. The art of quiet reflection is time without distractions to think deeply about our lives, God, or situations we face. Reflection demands times of peace and quiet: Television off; radio silenced; cell phone muted - maybe soothing music on. I write this blog in the peace and quiet of an early morning, one of my favorite times to reflect and think.

4. Special friends. I am thinking here of friends who bring peace and joy to our lives and fill us emotionally. This is not your average friend. Many friends are needy and drain us. There is a time for those friends, but not when we are needing peace and serenity. These are friends who encourage us, accept us, love us, and allow us to be who we are in their presence without pretense or expectations. Too often, in our busyness, we do not nurture the most important friends who can bring peace to our lives.

5. Good books. Well-chosen books can help us relax, reflect and grow. It is why my personal place of refuge is lined with them. One need not be a prodigious reader for this to be the case. Even a few pages or a short chapter can stimulate our thinking and reflection. Books help us stretch our minds and offer perspectives of others that can change our own perspectives.

6. A journal. Journaling is a practice that can bring greater peace and serenity to our lives. It allows us to record insights we gain in our times of reflection. The simple act of writing those insights down dramatically increases our retention of them. It allows us to have a record of our personal growth. It allows us to be more reflective in our prayer lives as we write out our prayers from time to time. It forces us to think more clearly and reflect more deeply. It is worth the effort even if we are not naturally writers.

7. Interludes of prayer. These are times during the day when we intentionally reconnect with Jesus in prayer. For instance, my cell phone alerts me on the hour, every hour during the day. When it does, I silently engage Jesus about whatever I am working on or the meeting I am in. It reminds me to be present with Jesus, it reminds me to check in with Him, and it reminds me to bring the events of my day to Him. They are hourly check-ins with the only one that can ultimately bring me peace of heart and soul.

8. Learning to be present. How often do you find yourself mulling on a problem or anxiety when you should be concentrating on a conversation, a work project, or playing with your kids? Being present means that we are mindful of what we are doing at the moment and truly focused on that rather than focusing on other things that distract us from being present in the moment. Being present means that we are fully "there" in whatever we are doing. It also prevents us from being "elsewhere," which is usually a problem or challenge that we should have left with Christ rather than carrying it around with us. The hourly reminder from my cell phone not only reminds me to check in with God but to check in with myself to see if I am present in the moment.

A life of peace and serenity does not happen by itself but comes from healthy practices in our lives. It is a beautiful place to live and something that we can grow in regularly.

Giving immediate feedback to problematic behaviors

One of the critical roles of a supervisor is to give feedback to team members on behaviors that are not professional or that reflect poor EQ. The purpose of that feedback is not to shame or be punitive but to help staff members understand how they come across to others and be a mirror to them on blind spots they are unaware of.

For instance:

• A staff member gives a report for 15 minutes that should have taken three.
• A team member tends to interrupt others in a meeting or talk too often and too long, monopolizing the conversation.
• An individual becomes reactive or defensive when their idea is challenged.
• There is an attitude of arrogance or cynicism that comes through.
• A member disengages from the meeting when they get bored.
• For signs of good and bad EQ see this blog

All these and many other behaviors hurt the others involved, hurting the offender regarding influence and relationship. It is easy to note these behaviors but ignore them because we don't want to have what we perceive to be a complicated conversation. Yet, if we don't provide feedback, who will?

And the conversation need not be difficult. It can be as easy as, "Will, can I share feedback on how you handled the discussion with Mary today? It felt like you became defensive with her, and it had the effect of shutting her down. Were you aware of that?" And a conversation is started. Chances are that Will had no idea how he came across and how it impacted Mary.

When repeated offenses like this occur over time, other staff members often wonder why the team leader has not addressed the irritant in the meeting. And they have a right to be unhappy if the team leader does not address such issues. And it does not help the one doing the offending.

The best feedback is immediate - or as soon as it is possible to give it - in private. The events are fresh, and people can remember the circumstances. It need not be confrontational or uncomfortable but to the point and done with grace for the good of all involved.

Motivation and its impact on vocation

A fundamental variable between those who see success in their work and those who don't is the presence or absence of meaningful motivation. Meaningful motivation in vocation is driven by a deeper drive than a paycheck. That may suffice for a time, but ultimately, we need a reason to give ourselves to our work that transcends money and goes to a desire to please God in all that we do: to worship him through our work as the ancient religious orders practiced.

Seeing our work as an act of worship eliminates the unbiblical distinction between the sacred and the secular. With God, all is sacred: prayer, vocation, relationships, family, rest, and all that makes up our lives. But it is also a great motivator. If whatever we do for a living is done for the King of Kings, and if it matters to Him, how does that change our view of work? Ultimately, we work not for ourselves or our employer alone but as an act of worship to God.

If my work is an act of worship to my God, I will give the very best that I have rather than the least I can get away with. And it matters not whether we are white collar or blue collar. In fact, God is not impressed by our credentials. He is pleased when we see our work as sacred and an act of worship of Him. If we were made for Him, then all that makes up our lives is given to Him in worship.

This puts to rest the distinction between ministry positions and secular callings. There is no first and second bench in God's economy - just His bench. All of our vocations are callings, all are acts of worship, and all are done in His name. Every vocation is service to God, not just those who have been to seminary or serve the church. And that includes those whose work is in the home!

This Biblical view of life and work ought to cause all of us to look more carefully at how we view our work, and it should motivate us to do the very best that we have to give every day.

No is a complete sentence

Many of us struggle to say no to the expectations and requests of others even when we know that we don't have the time, interest, or energy to fulfill them. It is perhaps why our lives often feel too busy and our energy too depleted. Yet without saying "no" to some things, we cannot say "yes" to other more important things. Seen in this light, our "no" when necessary, is a positive and necessary word.

Each of us has a call on our lives. Yes, we can do many things, but sometimes those many things keep us from doing those things that it is essential for us to do to realize our calling. I think of what I do in these four quadrants: What I could do, what I won't do, what I must do, and what I shouldn't do. These are designed to help me determine what I must say yes to, what I must say no to, and those areas that fall in between depending on schedule and availability.

When we choose to say "no," we often feel as if we need to explain ourselves, which indicates that we are feeling guilt over our decision. It is not necessary. "No" is a complete sentence that does not require us to explain why or to justify our decision. A gracious decline without explanation is a stronger answer than an explanation as to why we are saying no. If we feel an explanation is necessary, something like this suffices well:

"I appreciate the request. I regularly evaluate opportunities against those things that I know I am called to do and, therefore, need to graciously decline your request. Thank you for thinking of me."

While "no" is perceived as a negative word, it is actually a very positive word because it allows us the opportunity to do those things that are most important to us. No one accomplishes great things without saying no to many lesser things. It is a "boundary" word in our lives that indicates that the request is outside our present priorities. Therefore, to say "yes" would be to violate our most important priorities. Seen in that light, "no" is a necessary and very positive word.

Dangerous and hurtful assumptions

"If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions.  We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions."

Miguel Ruiz

"And if you insist on continuing to make assumptions about my character, I'll advise you only this: assume you will always be wrong."

Tahereh Mafi

Every one of us has been the unwelcome recipient of assumptions made by others that were false. Yet ironically we do it to others as well. Unfortunately, assumptions are usually wrong, especially when it comes to motives behind actions that we find objectionable or things others have told us about another individual. And because they are often wrong, our view of others is often misguided and also wrong. I would suggest the following practices when it comes to assumptions made about others.

First, before we assume, we ought to ask the individual involved. It is enlightening to have a first hand conversation rather than to make assumptions (that are usually wrong to some degree or another). There is nothing wrong with asking and it might save us a relationship if we do.

Second, be wary of second hand information. All of us have a grid through which we see others and if the grid is wrong we will pass along untrue information or perceptions. And, where there is rancor involved, others have a vested interest in painting the worst possible picture rather than objective information. It is also true that the one passing it along does not have all the information themselves. It is amazing how much more quickly we grab onto negative information about another individual than we do positive information. It is our fallen nature.

Third. if you don't have all the information think grey. Understand that there is usually more than one side to a story and knowing that you don't have all the facts resist drawing rigid conclusions. Things are not always what we think they are. We ought to be circumspect in our thinking and comments.

Fourth, if you don't need to, don't share negative information about others. Scripture calls this gossip. Bad news spreads quickly and to the extent that we fan the flame we are guilty of gossip. And, if we don't have all the facts we may be guilty of worse - reputation assassination.

My assumption is that we would want others to practice these principles with us. Let's therefore practice it with others.