The challenge of forgiving ourselves

The lack of self forgiveness often has devastating results on our relationship with the Father and our own involvement in ministry. We have become convinced that He cannot truly forgive our sin. It was too egregious, too serious. And so we live our lives in silent confession, hoping that He can forgive but never really feeling forgiven. This directly involves our involvement in any kind of Christian service because we don’t feel that God could, should or would use us. So we live quietly in the shadows, never being all in and always feeling inadequate and unworthy.

If this applies to you, I want you to listen very carefully to several truths. First, God’s grace always exceeds our sin. You cannot out sin God’s ability to forgive. Paul makes this clear when he says that, “where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20) There is no sin that God cannot or will not forgive. He sent His one and only son that, “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) God is in the business of forgiving because of the death and resurrection of Christ on the cross.

Second, you cannot separate yourselves from God’s love. Again Paul says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God, and he is also interceding for us.” - Romans 8: 31 - 34

Third, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

For many of us, one of the greatest struggles of our lives is to forgive ourselves for choices we have made, actions we have taken or perhaps words we have said. The thing about past sins is that they can be as real to us today as they were then. Often they are secret sins, but the problem is that we know and, in spite of confessing them to God many times over, we cannot forgive ourselves. 

Fourth, who are we to deny God’s work of forgiveness by refusing to forgive ourselves? If He has forgiven us, we must do the same. Satan will always sow seeds of doubt in our mind regarding our sin but 1 John 1:9 makes it clear that when we confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness. All of it! Every last bit of it. 

If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, ask God for His help. Sometimes it helps to do something to intentionally experience what God has already done for you. Take a piece of paper and write on it those sins that continue to bother you. Then as you thank God for  His forgiveness, put that paper in your fireplace or burn it in your sink (don’t burn down the house). As you clean the sink of the ashes, you are reenacting what God has done with your heart. Thank Him, and every time you remember that sin again, think of the ashes in the sink that you cleaned up. Whatever you do, don’t live in guilt when God designed you for freedom, and don’t live in the shadows when God designed you for the light.

Four myths about forgiveness

There are many mistaken notions about forgiveness which, if not understood, can cause us to question whether we have truly forgiven those who have wronged us. Almost all of us carry with us wounds inflicted by another. Some of those wounds go back to our childhoods and are intensely painful to remember. Often we wonder how old we will be before we are freed from their grip. I want to look at four myths about forgiveness that are not Biblical and should not cloud our understanding of this important issue. 

Myth one: Someone has to ask for forgiveness before we give it. If only life was that simple. Here is one of the most difficult things about forgiveness: those who have hurt us rarely apologize to us, ask forgiveness or acknowledge the depth of their hurt to our hearts, souls or bodies. In fact, we don’t forgive primarily for the individual who wronged us but for our own sake. I wrote in a recent blog post that when we refuse to forgive, we allow ourselves to be incarcerated in a cell of bitterness even while we have the key to unlock the cell door - forgiveness - but we choose our dingy cell to the joy of sunlight, freedom and peace. The one who wounded you may well not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to forgive them so that you don’t live life in the prison of bitterness.

Myth two: Forgiving means forgetting. Our memories don’t work that way. We don’t forget moments or periods of intense pain. They are indelibly locked in our brain. The pain we feel when we remember those events may start to fade with time and the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives but we will not forget. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Rather, it is to be free of the bitterness and hate that we feel for those who wronged us. The more freedom we experience, the more healing we can experience. As we heal the memories don’t go away but the pain associated with them starts to recede. 

Myth three: Forgiveness relieves us of the pain of the wounds inflicted on us. Not so. The pain only recedes with the passage of time and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. As we heal, the pain may become less painful and there may come a day when there is no pain left. But that only happens when we choose to forgive and give up our bitterness.

Myth four: It is easy for a Christian to forgive. Not so. Forgiving others is one of the most difficult things we will ever do and the greater the wound the harder it is to forgive. This was the topic of one of Jesus’s parables: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. As Jesus was dialoguing about this parable, He had this conversation with Peter: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” - Matthew 18: 21 - 23

Why would Jesus say this? He said it because of how hard it is to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness is a process of forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving until finally we don’t need to forgive any longer. It is a hard discipline that must be exercised time and again until the pain has receded and the bitterness is gone. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do.

A simple principle to see dramatically better results

Over time most organizations move from focused activity to more general activity. In the process they unknowingly dilute the results they are looking for (Return On Investment) or in the non-profit world (Return on Mission). This drift from focused activity to less focused activity is not intentional but it happens in almost all organizations unless there are tools in place to keep the main thing the main thing.

Remember that approximately 80% of your success comes from roughly 20% of your activity. So focusing on the most important 20% is critical.

One of the key disciplines of any organization is to determine which of their activities yields the highest results and then to ensure that the majority of the effort is focused on these key activities. Many staff start to believe that being busy is an indicator of their skill. It is not! An indicator of skill is being focused on the right things, not activity in general.

Scorecards are a way to ensure that staff are focused on those activities that will yield the most return. One of my coaching clients is a wonderful performing arts academy. Their front desk team have many tasks that they perform to keep the academy running smoothly. They are all important. But, the most critical thing they can do to add value to the organization is to sell their services to the parents who call in and inquire about lessons for their kids. If they neglect those calls or don't take them with seriousness they are ignoring the 20% that contributes to 80% of the success of the academy. 

In order to focus on the 20% of activity that yields the greatest result, it is often necessary to eliminate other activity that is good but not critical. 

In good times, organizations add programs or products that are good but not critical to their mission. When tough times come, it is necessary to jettison some of the good for the sake of the critical. Not all products or programs are of equal value. Covid is a wonderful time to ask what is mission critical for the organization and then have the courage to let the rest go. Hard economic times help to clarify what is truly important what is marginally important. 

The best leaders are those who can sift through the activities of their staff and the programs and services they offer to ensure that the most important are being served and the least important are set aside. This is one of the distinctions of a good organization compared to an average organization.

Pivots are the new normal: Get used to it!

For those of us who like stability and that includes most, life has thrown us all a curve ball with the uncertainty of Covid 19 and what the future is going to look like. There are colleges, universities and seminaries on the brink, non-profits trying to figure out how to survive, churches scrambling to understand how to do ministry in this environment and, at the moment, Covid statistics going the wrong way. This is resulting in sometimes massive layoffs and major companies that have been with us for years on the edge of existence.

As one who leads and interacts and consults with other leaders, there is a very common word being used today: Pivot. 

A pivot usually occurs when a company make a fundamental change to their business after determining (usually through market research) that their product isn't meeting the needs of their intended market.

In prior times these might happen rarely. Today they are happening sometimes weekly with organizations that are trying to come to terms with today's environment. Those organizations, leaders and staff who are change resistant are often going to find themselves out of a job in this new and challenging time. We are sailing through uncharted waters that will demand the best of our thinking, skill and ability to change quickly (pivot) to new information or strategies. 

Those organizations who think things will return to normal and are just waiting for that time are in for a rude awakening. If you work for an organization like that, brush off your resume. You will probably need it.

This is what leaders, staff and organizations need to recognize: Pivots are the new normal. Your mission may not change. The service you provide may not change but the way your do what you do, your methodology and tactics will change. If not, your customers or stakeholders will likely change (and not to your benefit) because the world is uncertain, unstable and changing each day. 

Pivots are the new normal. Get used to it, embrace it and figure out what pivots you need to make as an organization. Those staff who cannot respond quickly to pivots need to understand the new reality.

Many staff members are those waiting for the past to return, for what we have known to come back. They need to understand that the world they have occupied will not return unchanged in significant ways. They need to be coached in how to respond quickly to changes in strategy and plans even though they may be change adverse. Unfortunately, those who cannot adjust will find their positions in jeopardy. 

If you are a leader, it is just as critical for you to realize that pivots are the new normal. As the Bible says in a different context, the old has gone and the new has come. Don't be caught unaware. Get ahead of the curve and try some bold moves. The status quo is history. 

A cure for meeting fatigue

Long meetings are a drag! They dissipate our energy, tire us out, and after the first 45 minutes degenerate from there. To stay awake, people look at their email, pretend they are taking notes while working on their computer and sometimes just try to stay awake, looking interested - which many are not. I have written many a blog is such long meetings. Because few are giving their undivided attention to what is going on around them a long meeting actually ends up longer because people are multi tasking.

It need not be this way. In fact, if a meeting goes beyond one hour it is probably too long. People can focus for that length of time if the meeting is facilitated well and that is often a big if!

Think about this. Most meetings cover predictable pieces of territory: financial; initiatives; alignment; problems to be solved and so on. Trying to cover these in one meeting is normally counterproductive. Instead, consider short SYNC meetings around those disparate topics where you have the key players in the room or on the call, and keep it short: 30 minutes; 45 minutes or at the most, 60 minutes. Using Google Docs so you can build shared documents, come with an agenda and take notes right there on the shared doc so that at the close of the meeting, everyone has the details. If assignments have been made record these at the end which becomes the first order of business the next time you convene.

Many short, focused, well led SYNCS are far more effective than long, interminable meetings. At the end of each SYNC give a one to five rating for the overall effectiveness of the meeting. That ensures that conveners will pay maximum attention to getting business done in an effective and efficient manner. Schedule your SYNCS throughout the week or the month as needed. If there are special initiatives use the same methodology for those that are tasked with that initiative.

Make a policy that you don't do long boring meetings. There is no joy in them and they usually don't accomplish what you want them to accomplish.

Paternalism (or racism) in missions

                          

I suspect that this blog will be considered controversial by many who read it. I understand that and am not out to hurt the mission enterprise - one I grew up in and one that I have led. Missions is in my blood and I have national friends in every corner of the world. While many western missionaries may disagree with my analysis I know that most of my national leader friends will not. They see the issues described here, feel them acutely but are not in a position to challenge them.

But - in this day of racial conversations I want to reflect a bit on what I call paternalism in missions or what some would call attitudes that are racist. I don't believe that paternalistic practices are intentionally practiced, and how can one call missionaries as having any racist tendencies? They have, after all,  committed to actually going cross culture - leaving their home culture and becoming a part of another culture. I have great regard for missionaries and grew up in a missionary family and know the commitments of my parents and others who were missionaries. But the issue is a real issue.

The paternalism I will address is not always intentional but is a matter of how we see and do missions from the west and often from the rest. The irony is that we can love others enough to give our lives to reach them for Jesus and still do this in a paternalistic way. 

Racism or paternalism can be defined as a group with more influence or power who interact with those with less power or influence and treat them as the junior power: someone whom we see as having less ability (and therefor less intrinsic worth) than us given our education, resources and abilities compared to those we are serving. When missionaries from the west are consistently the leaders in a relationship with nationals, have the last say, drive the strategy, and allow dependencies to develop we are creating paternalism. This spills over into our relationships.

I remember talking to an American missionary who served for years in Africa. He said that as missionaries they were not allowed to invite Africans into their homes, and he never did. If he allowed fellow Americans or other westerners into his home (and he did) but not Africans - what does that say about his view of the very people he came to minister to? 

In more recent times, I presided over an African conference the missionaries from the organization I was leading at the time. I also invited the key African national leaders that we worked with from across Africa. It was the first time that they had been together and the first time they had been with the missionaries from across Africa. It was powerful. We prayed for these African leaders, laid hands on them and asked them to strategize with us for the work of church planting across Africa. It raised a huge stir - among our own missionaries - who felt the balance of "power" shifting and we had to deal with their issues that we were giving too much honor to African leaders.  Was this paternalism? Was this racism? Whatever it was it was not pleasing to God who told us to see others as more important than ourselves. 

In order to combat this Western paternalism we developed some radical commitments. First we made it clear that we did not own anything, control anything or count anything as ours. Mission agencies are notorious for owning, controlling and counting other movements as theirs so they can "sell" their ministry to their constituency. In articulating and living this out something interesting happened. Movements came our way in significant numbers desiring to partner with us. Why? Because they saw what we had to offer, they loved the idea of movements working together and they understood that they would be equal partners in the relationship - as they should be. 

Second, we stopped doing things that they could do far better than we could including almost all church planting. We became partners and trainers and they became the church planters. In the process the church planting numbers for these movements increased exponentially and left our previous efforts looking very tiny in comparison.

Third, we insisted on equal partnerships. Each party involved could bring different pieces to the table but we were at a round table where no one sat at the head. Together we developed strategy and initiatives that were owned by the different movements involved. Rather than controlling we empowered and released. Rather than having the answers (which we didn't have), we came up with the answers together. 

I was asked recently where the major push back came from in this new way of doing missions (for us). I said, "our staff!" They were used to being the major players, being in charge, controlling the relationships and directing the ministry initiatives. It was a hard adjustment to move from the head position to a place of true partnership.

As I continue to talk with indigenous or national leader around the world, I know that paternalism in western missions (and often in missions from non-western countries) continues. The human condition is that of wanting to be number one, to see ourselves as better than others. In our society we actually call this racism and it infects the human condition everywhere. It is certainly an ongoing factor that needs to be discussed when it comes to world missions.

This should be a cautionary tale for those of us in the United States who say "we are not racist." We don't want to be I am sure but paternalism is often so ingrained that we cannot see it. Often it takes an outsider to point out where our words don't live up to our reality. It takes an attitude of real humility to face issues such as this and to modify our systems, behaviors, thinking and strategies. 

Great leadership in 22 simple words

HUMILITY

Leadership is not about me but about stewarding a trust on behalf of others and a mission that makes the world a better place,

SERVICE

Leadership is always about service: to those we lead; to those we serve through our organization; and to those that the organization interacts with.

INTEGRITY

Leaders model high standards of integrity and live with accountability as they expect the same from others in the organization. 

VISION

The ability to see the future and what could be is the mark of a great leader. Vision always believes there is a better way and a better future.

IMPLEMENTATION

Vision without a strategy is an illusion. Leaders are able to take concrete steps toward their vision on an ongoing basis.

CLARITY

The best leaders are able to articulate the mission of the organization with crystal clarity, build alignment around that clarity and ensure that the main thing is kept the main thing all the time.

RESULTS

Leadership should always have results that are consistent with organizational mission and clarity. Great leaders always keep the missional agenda of the organization front and center and can measure results and progress with precision.

ENCOURAGEMENT

Leaders lift others up and help them see what they can be and the contribution they can make. To be around a good leader is to be challenged to live up to one's potential.

EMPOWERMENT

Leaders give opportunity and authority away all the time. They don't control but empower within boundaries to the level appropriate for staff.

SELF AWARENESS

Leaders are life long students of themselves, how they are wired, who they need around them to be successful and how others perceive them. Good EQ is a priority for leaders. 

TEAM

Great leaders lead with and through others. They understand that there is wisdom in diversity of views and practice robust dialogue and cooperation.

RESPECT

Leaders always treat others with respect and dignity regardless of the situation. They set the standard for how individuals are valued in their organization.

  RESOLVE

Leaders are undeterred by barriers or problems. They will find a way around, over, under or through any barrier to achieve the mission.

RESILIENCE

Leaders must make choices that make others unhappy. They are not deterred by criticism or personal attacks but display remarkable resilience in the face of opposition.

CONTRARIAN

Leaders understand that conventional wisdom is often conventional and often not wisdom. Thinking like a contrarian helps uncover novel and new solutions to old problems.

LEARNING

Leaders are learners. They ask great and frequent questions, listen carefully and are naturally inquisitive. This posture provides them with unusual insight.

THINKERS

Thinking time is a standard part of a leader's life and schedule. They understand that busyness is not the goal but wise solutions and strategies. Thinking time is a high priority.

SIMPLICITY

Leaders are able to take complex issues and frame them in simple and understandable ways. They know that business is complex, complexity is confusing and their job is to simplify complexity.

REALITY

Leaders are always looking under the shiny hood to see what is really there. They value reality over rose colored glasses. They know that you cannot advance if you don't acknowledge what is actually present.

TRANSFORMATION

The best leaders are transformational in their leadership. They want to see individuals become who they were meant to be, a culture that is healthy and vibrant and an organization that brings transformation to their constituency.

MENTOR/COACH

Developing the current and future leaders of the organization is a high priority and time commitment of good leaders. They want to leave the organization  stronger and better when they leave and that is dependent on their coaching and mentoring of others. 

CULTURE

Good leaders do not settle for the culture that is but handcraft a culture that will help individuals flourish and ensure that the culture will help the organization reach its mission. They guard the values and commitments of culture rigorously.