Endless emails and church/staff conflict

It is not unusual when working with a troubled church to read endless emails regarding whatever it is that has created conflict. Even more interesting to me is when there is dysfunction on a church staff and staff members who work in close proximity to one another are exchanging lengthy emails rather than walking down the hall (or to an office next door) to have a conversation. 

Email dialogues are rarely helpful for resolving conflict. In fact, I would posit that they actually raise the level of conflict because it is easier to state things in non-negotiable language in an email than it is in person or on the phone. Thus the dialogue often becomes even more strident in email conversations (confrontations). In addition, emails are often written in the heat of the moment lacking the gift of reflection. Even worse, emails can be copied to many others which now widens the potential conflict rather than keeping it between two parties. Word to the wise: never put in an email anything you don't want the world to hear because they may.

Emails do not allow one to sit down face to face and seek clarification, look one in the eye and listen carefully, empathize or challenge points of view in a personal way. I will often receive emails asking for an answer or seeking my perspective and I will reply, "It sounds like this is a conversation, not an email." Then I will schedule a phone call.

People with good emotional intelligence are not afraid of conversations. Often email exchanges are a substitute for a conversation out of fear or an unwillingness to dialogue with someone that we know disagrees with us. Ironically, personal conversations tend to diminish rather than increase the level of conflict. Especially if the two parties are at least willing to listen to each other and seek understanding. Email missives are a cowards way out of a personal conversation where we are more accountable for our words, body language and attitudes.

When there is conflict, walk down the hall, pick up the phone or make a Skype call rather than write down words you cannot retract and which may polarize rather than heal. In fact, this is my practice whenever I hear that there are people who have issues with me. Rather than wonder or make assumptions I pick up the phone and seek to resolve whatever it is that has caused a disruption in the relationship. 

In conflict, have a conversation rather than sending an email.

We are entering a new Dark Age with ISIS: The face of evil. Warning on graphic images

This is the face of ISIS, perhaps the greatest threat to humanity on our globe today because of the utter inhumanity toward anyone who does not fit their brand of Islam. The genocide and killing reminds me of the second world war whether from Stalin or Hitler except this time there are no world powers seriously seeking to check their progress. 

To ignore the actions ISIS when we know what they are doing is akin to those who ignored the actions of the Nazis in their extermination of the Jews. Some knew and chose not to act. Today those directly threatened are Christians, other minorities and anyone who does not adhere to the barbaric form of Islam represented by these evil individuals. If we think they are not a threat they have managed to take over towns and cities from near Aleppo in Syria to the outskirts of Baghdad in Iraq. They have their sights set on Lebanon and Israel and the United States. 

ISIS forces are barbaric. Killing is their specialty. If the evil one came to "kill, steal or destroy, (John 10:10), these are the evil one's children. ISIS is saying to Christians and others, convert or be killed! Kurdish officials are warning of genocide.

This is no longer an Iraqi problem. It is a humanitarian disaster, it is genocide before the eyes of the world and it is a movement that will threaten the entire globe with no regard for human life if not stopped. It is the very face of evil. How can the world watch and not act in the face of this kind of evil - or will we simply watch as the world did in Rwanda until the killing was over and the blood defiled all those who knew but did not act?

See these articles for more information or google ISIS and your heart will be broken. Please be aware of graphic images. You are looking into the face of evil personified!

The Daily Caller (CNN Videos)

National Review

Mail Online

CNN World

The Long War Journal

CNN

Reminder. My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

A nasty job done well

There are times when leaders, whether boards or senior leaders must tackle what can be fairly be called a nasty job. It may involve dealing with moral failures, financial downturns and the resultant decisions that must be made or moving someone out of an organization. Or perhaps dealing with a recalcitrant board member or individual who is hurting the organization. It is a nasty job because it is delicate, will not be received well, could have significant repercussions and on the surface it looks like there are no great outcomes and significant risks - but it must be done.

No one signs onto leadership for the nasty jobs but they are part of the equation from time to time. It is easy to become discouraged when faced with a messy situation. And not without reason as many messy situations are handled in a messy matter further complicating the picture. But that is not a necessary outcome. It is possible to handle nasty jobs well and in the meantime honor people and protect the organization. Here are some thoughts in dealing with messy or complicated situations.

1. Never act in haste unless you must. Take the time to ensure that you understand the situation as well as you can. Hasty action is usually a result of our own anxiety and will often have unintended consequences.
2. Never act alone. The more messy the situation the more important it is to have multiple counselors. You may also want to find a trusted outside counselor who you trust as they do not have a stake in the situation or outcome.
3. Work a process. To the extent that you can, engage in dialogue with the individual who you need to deal with (if it is an individual). When we are anxious we tend to make assumptions, send letters and emails. Try to stay in dialogue and be clear with the individual what you need, don't say things that don't need to be said and keep the circle of those involved as small as possible. You can make the right decision but fail in running a good process. It takes time to get to where you need to go so be patient in the process.
4. Make prayer central. It is amazing how sensitivity to the Holy Spirit's counsel can help navigate tough issues. There is power in a groups wisdom when each member of the group is also listening to the Holy Spirit along the way. You may be surprised at the insights He brings to the process.
5. To the extent that you can, and depending on the circumstances, treat individuals involved with utmost respect and fairness. In messy situations it is easy to get angry and express that anger but in dealing with it this is rarely helpful. 

I have been a party to helping many churches and organizations deal with messy and sometimes nasty jobs. it is a great gift when the end result is one of success because it was handled well. That is always the goal when faced with a nasty job: Can we handle it well!

How to spot a manipulative church leader

Unfortunately there are unhealthy, manipulative and narcissistic church leaders. This article by Donald Miller is worth reading.

How to spot a manipulative church leader 

Nobody has talked to us about Jesus before!

Friends of mine recently had dinner with the wife's employers (another husband and wife). They asked the husband what he did for a living and he told them that he worked for an agency that planted churches around the world and introduced people to Jesus. At the end of the evening the couple said to my friends, "No one has ever talked to us about Jesus before."

Yes, this was in the United States! They knew about religion but no one had talked to them about Jesus. We assume that in a "Christian" country (it is not), that Jesus is well known. That assumption is wrong. Sure people know the name but there are many like those above who have never been told that the Gospel is about a relationship with a person - Jesus.

Far from being offended, this couple was intrigued. I am sure it will lead to further conversation. As you interact with people, don't assume that they understand that Christianity is about a Savior with whom they can relate and enter into a personal relationship because of the incarnation. It is a life changing revelation!

Dirty church politics

If there is one thing I hate and I have to believe that Jesus hates as well is dirty politics in the church. Dirty politics where people with a hidden agenda use underhanded tactics including rumors, lies, gossip and manipulation of the church constitution at times to get what they want. One only has to read the book of Ephesians to know that there is nothing spiritual, God like or righteous in using unrighteous means to achieve one's will.

I was the victim of dirty politics in a church I served. I know how it felt and for years afterwards there were people who spread lies about me and my ministry. Their politics split the church. Unfortunately it is no unusual.

Here are some of the common characteristics of dirty politics.

First, there is a hidden agenda behind the scenes which is not stated because they know they would be discredited if it was. They have the conversations behind closed doors with those they are in alignment with but are never upfront about what they think or intend to do. It may be to derail the leadership direction of the leaders or be as blatant as forcing a pastor out.

Second, there are unrighteous things said. By unrighteous I mean falsehoods, rumors and outright lies. Information is passed along which is damaging to others that has never  been verified. Think of how often God says in the Scriptures that he hates falsehood. When this is present, evil is present.

Third, while they may use spiritual language the real issue is power. If it was about ministry they would be willing to state their position publicly so everyone knows. Anyone who does not do that is playing power politics with a hidden agenda and that is almost always about power, not true concern for the church nor concern for truth.

Fourth, these are people who are arsonists. They light fires with gossip and lies and then are not to be found when someone tries to figure out where they came from. In other words they refuse to be accountable for their words or actions which is power and unrighteousness combined. 

How do you know when this is taking place in your church? When there is gossip going around about leadership. When there are power plays in meetings. When common language is used which clearly indicates that there is a faction talking. When the issues are not clearly stated up front. When conflict starts to erode the congregation. When you start to hear common language from diverse people.

One of the best ways to counteract this is simply to tell the congregation what is taking place, what is being said and simply ask them if that is what they want. Chances are the perpetrators will run for the hills because they don't want a public debate. If they thought they would win that way they would do it. Rather they are using underhanded means because they know that the bulk of the congregation would not be in agreement with. It is unrighteous and cowardly behavior. We see it all the time in politics but it has no place in the church.

Be smart,  be truthful, be wise but don't let those who play by dirty politics to determine the direction of the church. In almost every instance where they succeed the church loses. Why should we be surprised? There is nothing righteous about their behavior!

See also  Hearing the voice behind the voices.

Husbands who abuse and church leaders who don't act or downplay the abuse

I am reposting a blog from Elisabeth Klein with permission entitled Churches, Wake Up to Abuse. This is a real issue and one that many church leaders do not take seriously enough.

I am a very grateful girl. My pleas for help were misunderstood for a dozen years. And now, in this safe place, I can honestly say that I am grateful that they were.  Hear me out.

Because my experience is one of not being helped and being helped, I know both sides of the continuum because I experienced both sides of the continuum firsthand.

I do not wish it on anyone else, of course. I wish every pastor and church leader and adult ministries director and small group leader understood the difference between marriages going through a rough patch and marriages that are characterized by abuse or addiction issues. But that is not the case.  I hear stories all the time of women who went to their church for help, thinking it was their safest place, and not getting it.

In fact, I’m reading Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood’s A Cry for Justice right now. These people get it.  This is an all-too-familiar cycle that already-abused women suffer through at the hands of their church leadership. Please read this with an open mind and heart…if you are a church leader, does this sound like you?

“1. Victim reports abuse to her pastor/church leader.

2. Pastor/church leader does not believe her claims, or at least believes they are greatly exaggerated. After all, he “knows” her husband to be one of the finest Christian men he knows, a pillar of the church.

3. Pastor/church leader minimizes the severity of the abuse. His goal is often, frankly, damage control (to himself and to his church).

4. Pastor/church leader indirectly (or not so indirectly!) implies that the victim needs to do better in her role as wife and mother and as a Christian. He concludes that all such scenarios are a “50/50” blame sharing.

5. Pastor/church leader sends the victim home, back to the abuser, after praying with her and entrusting the problem to the Lord.

6. Pastor/church leader believes he has done his job.

7. Victim returns, reporting that nothing has changed. She has tried harder and prayed, but the abuse has continued.

8. Pastor/church leader decides to do some counseling. He says “I will have a little talk with your husband” or “I am sure that all three of us can sit down and work this all out.” Either of these routes only results in further and more intense abuse of the victim. This counseling can go on for years! (One victim reported that it dragged on for nine years in her case).

9. As time passes, the victim becomes the guilty party in the eyes of the pastor/church leader and others. She is the one causing the commotion. She is pressured by the pastor/church leader and others in the church to stop rebelling, to submit to her husband, and stop causing division in the church.

10. After more time passes, the victim separates from or divorces the abuser. The church has refused to believe her, has persistently covered up the abuse, has failed to obey the law and report the abuse to the police; and has refused to exercise church discipline against the abuser. Ironically, warnings of impending church discipline are often directed against the victim!

11. The final terrible injustice is that the victim is the one who must leave the church, while the abuser remains a member in good standing, having successfully duped the pastor/church leader and church into believing that his victim was the real problem.”

In my first twelve or so years of asking for help, this was my cycle, and it happened several times.  I can gratefully say that I did eventually get the help that I (and my marriage) so desperately needed, but I need you to hear me.  The above cycle is real. The above cycle happens more than you want to believe. The above cycle absolutely MUST STOP.

If you are a pastor or are in church leadership, I believe that God is counting on you to wake up and to get this right.  His children are in need of your help, your intervention, your wisdom, your prayer, your support.  If this sounds like how you’ve handled these situations in the past, it’s not too late to make living amends by doing research and changing your approach.  Please. On behalf of every woman who is dying (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) in her marriage, I am begging you to do things differently from this point forward. Marriages and hearts and lives are at stake.

Two questions I’d like to leave you with from A Cry for Justice:

Do I see abuse in the same light as the Lord does, or have I been guilty of minimizing or even denying it?

Have you ever considered that the Pauline exception of abandonment just might include the emotional, spiritual, or financial abandonment often faced by victims of domestic abuse?

Please allow me to pray for you as you lead and counsel and offer support:

Jesus, I lift up every pastor and church leader who comes in contact with a woman in an abusive or addiction-fraught marriage. Please open their eyes and minds and hearts to the realities of these women. Please give them the humility to admit if they’ve been wrong and the courage to course-correct. Please give them the wisdom they need to stand up and fight for these women, for their children, even for their husbands. Please do something, Jesus. We need you.  These women and children need you.  Amen.

Recommended resources:
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer
Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage by Elisabeth Klein
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger