Dealing with people who just don't get it

Too often in Christian circles when faced with problematic behaviors we are far less candid and defining than we need to be in trying to address them. In our desire to be "nice" and exhibit "grace" we understate the issues hoping that the staff member will "get it" and respond. Usually it does not work and in fact backfires when the behaviors continue unabated. 

Ironically it is precisely because they don't "get it" in the first place that we are having the conversation.

In addition, our "nice" approach is not fair to the one we are trying to get through to as they are not experts in subtlety. The only thing that will get their attention if one wants to help them is candid, unadulterated truth and honest feedback delivered in a way that leaves no room for interpretation. It is not about being unkind. It is about being exceedingly defining.

What do we need to be defining on?

First we need to be defining on what the problematic behaviors are with examples so that the staff member understands precisely what behaviors we are talking about. While they may not agree that the behaviors are problematic they must be clear on our assessment of them.

Second, we must be defining on how the behaviors impact others or the team negatively. 

Third, we must be defining on what we expect in the future. If we leave any doubt as to our expectations it is highly likely that there will be little if any change. After all, why go to the trouble of modifying my behavior if there is not a clear and defined expectation?

Fourth, we need to be defining as to what the consequences may be if there is not significant progress on problematic behaviors. This means that there is a clear follow up plan and that the individual knows from the start that the conversation is not over.

People who don't get it need help in getting it. As we say in Minnesota, "Minnesota nice" does not work in these situations. Directness is imperative when dealing with those who don't get subtlety. 

Unselfish Kingdom driven leadership

As I watch fellow leaders - at whatever level they lead - I am struck that there are essentially two kinds of ministry leaders: Those who are consumed by their own success and those who unselfishly give themselves away to help others be successful. I call the latter, unselfish leadership.

Unselfish or generous leaders care about helping others around them be successful. They invest time in others, mentor and befriend other leaders, pray for them, spend time with them and build genuine friendships. Contrast that with leaders how don't have time for others because they are so consumed by their own concerns.

I have watched this with both ministry and workplace leaders. I remember a lunch I had once with the leader of a significant ministry that serves other ministries. In a two hour lunch, there were no questions asked about what I did or the ministry I represented. It was all about him! I left that lunch knowing that this was a selfish and self consumed leader. Fortunately I am surrounded by both marketplace and ministry leaders who represent generous and unselfish leadership.

We live in a day of significant ministry competition - something we don't like to admit. But here is the truth: only selfish, self consumed leaders compete - at least in the ministry world. Generous and unselfish ministry leaders are not competing. Instead they will do all that they can to help others succeed.

I am committed to giving myself away to others in any way that I can. It is the antidote to selfish living and competition. It is the way of Christ. It is also the route to spiritual influence. After all, wise leaders know that the ultimate goal is not building a personal kingdom but having the greatest spiritual influence that it is possible to have. Life is not about us! It is about God.

What motivates your ministry?

For those of us who are in ministry, paid or volunteer, full time or part time, the question of our motivation is central to how we will carry our ministry out. Here is the question: Is our ministry about us or about God and the gospel?

Now, that may seem like a funny question to ask anyone who is giving their time and energy in ministry. But actually it is not. Paul makes the point that there are people who minister out of selfish motives. It was true then and it is true now.

Those motives may be prestige, having a large church, being the best, pulling down a decent salary, being a leader, looking for respect, or any number of personal issues that drive us. I am convinced that there are an inordinate number of people in ministry who have deep personal needs and seek to fill those needs through ministry. Ministries either breed narcissism or attract it, I am not sure which but there are a lot of folks in ministry who have a need to "be someone."

This can be true of laypeople or full time workers. When motivations are not pure, when we are trying to fill personal needs through ministry we often end up hurting people and the ministry we serve. If it is about me, we have a problem.

I love meeting pastors in the majority (poor world) because they have little or nothing to gain by being in ministry. Unlike those in the minority (wealthy) world, they cannot pull down a decent salary, they are marginalized in society and often pay a heavy price personally for what they do. They are motivated solely by the desire to please God and share the gospel.

True motivation for ministry is that of humbly serving our God, and being passionate about the sharing of the gospel - period. If that is my motivation:

• I won't care who gets the credit


• I won't need the limelight


• I will be willing to give ministry away


• I will serve rather than want to be served


• I will partner with others


• I will empower others


• I will equip others


• I won't be enamored by the indicators of success that others are enamored by


• I won't need to get my own way


• I will lift others 
  

Our motivation affects our actions. Take a moment and reflect on your motivations in ministry today. Is it about you or is it about God and the gospel? Really!

Are you an individual producer or organizational leader?

For those who lead organizations, whether churches or other ministries there is a crucial piece of information that is needed when hiring or placing individuals in ministry spots. That is understanding the distinction between an organizational leader - one who leads others - and an individual producer.

Organizational leaders are people who are wired to lead through other people. They are gifted in mobilizing healthy teams of people to tackle ministry opportunities. They work through the team, lead through the team and accomplish the ministry responsibilities they have through team. They love to mobilize, empower and develop other individuals.

Individual producers on the other hand are wired to have ministry impact through their own ministry initiatives. They need hands on ministry impact, like to develop things themselves, minister themselves, and do ministry themselves rather than leading through other people.

Why is an understanding of this distinction important? If you put an individual producer in the leadership of a team they will not develop their team or lead through their team but because of their wiring will revert to doing things themselves. This will result in weak team because the team is not the focus of an individual producers attention - personal ministry is. Team is secondary to an individual producer. Their attention is on what they can personally do.

This distinction is all about wiring - not about capacity or brightness. There are many exceedingly bright individual producers. They are simply not wired to lead others and putting them in that position produces frustration for them and often for those they lead. This is often a challenge for pastors, many of whom are really individual producers by wiring but find themselves needing to lead a team as the ministry grows.

People are either wired as individual producers or organizational leaders. The key is understanding the wiring of good people so that those who are wired for hands on ministry are not taken out of their wiring to lead through others. On the other hand, organizational leaders love to lead through others and will make their team the focus of their efforts.

Think about yourself - which are you really wired for? Think about your supervisor - which are they wired for?

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ten indicators of unhealthy teams

Unhealthy teams cause a high degree of frustration for team members. The following indicators - if true of the staff or team you serve on would indicate that you serve on an unhealthy team:

There is low trust among members
Low trust is usually generated by an unhealthy leader who does not create a culture of trust and transparency within the team. Mistrust of one another, questioning of motives, or a culture of fear (fear of doing something wrong or crossing one's leader) are symptoms of low trust.

You don't really like to be with team members
This is a logical outcome of a culture of mistrust. Closed doors, secretive meetings, lack of cooperation and are indicative of a culture of mistrust and in this ethos, staff members do not bond.

There is weak missional leadership
There is not a strong missional emphasis by the team leader and therefore the missional glue that holds the team together and motivates its efforts is absent.

Candid and transparent dialogue is discouraged
Unhealthy teams know that certain topics are off limits and that transparency will get them into trouble. Team members keep their real opinions to themselves rather than run the risk of getting into trouble by being truly honest.

There is ambiguity regarding roles
There is not a clear delineation of what individuals are responsible for. Rather, than clarity, supervisors simply tell their reports what to do and that agenda may change on the whim of the supervisor. Staff is never entirely clear about what their responsibility is.

Team member are not empowered to use their ideas, creativity and gifts in accomplishing their jobs
Rather, their supervisor wants them to do their job as he/she would do it. Supervisors regularly step in and change what has been done, are critical work or micromanage their team members.

There is not a mentor/coach paradigm of supervision
Rather than serving as a mentor/coach whose objective is to bring out the very best in their team members, supervisors tell staff what they need to do, do not regularly meet with staff to help them grow and tend to be critical rather than a cheerleader.

Your leader lacks self confidence and self assurance
Threatened leaders make for a workplace of fear and intimidation because their lack of confidence and assurance often causes them to be hard on those around them rather than release those around them.

There is a low degree of collaboration
Team members "keep their heads down" and do their own thing rather than enthusiastically working with one another and guarding one another's back.

There is a culture that discourages innovation
Especially if the innovation is not the idea of the leader, who needs to drive each part of the ministry. Staff members are not released to dream, innovate and try new things.

If your team has five or more of these characteristics, you serve on an unhealthy team.

Team resources include The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni and Leading from the Sandbox: Develop, Empower and Release High Impact Ministry Team, T.J. Addington

Ten indicators of a healthy team

How healthy is the team or staff that you serve on? You know you serve on a healthy staff when...

There is a high degree of trust among staff members

Healthy teams are trusting teams. They trust their leaders and they trust one another. The high degree of trust eliminates the need for hidden agendas, lack of transparency or the need to question motives.

You love to be with your colleagues

Healthy teams enjoy working together. They may not be "best friends" outside of work but they enjoy working and collaborating together

There is strong missional leadership

One of the marks of a healthy team is that they are passionately committed to achieving a clear, motivating, meaningful mission. It is the mission which provides the glue that holds them together

Robust dialogue is encouraged and practiced

On healthy teams people have full freedom to speak their minds without hidden agendas or attacking others. There is no fear in being candid and honest even when ones opinion may not be the mainstream view.

There is clarity of responsibility

Healthy teams practice clarity of responsibility so that each member knows what they are responsible for.

There is empowerment to accomplish your job as you see fit

Healthy teams have empowered cultures where good individuals are empowered to accomplish their job in line with their particular gifting and without the micromanagement of supervisors.

Your supervisor is both a mentor and a coach

Healthy teams have leaders who both mentor and coach their team members rather than simply telling them what to do . There is a monthly mentor/coach meeting with supervisors.

Your leader is self assured and non-threatened

Healthy teams have healthy leaders who are are secure in themselves and not threatened by other strong leaders.

There is a high degree of collaboration between members

Healthy teams are those who work interdependently rather than independently. Each member is both aware of and supportive of the work and responsibilities of other team members. The end goal is always that of accomplishing the mission of the organization.

There is a culture of innovation

If you always do what you always did you always get what you always got. Healthy teams encourage innovative ideas, practices and new ways of accomplishing ministry in order to stay on the front edge of effectiveness.

How many of these indicators are true of the team you serve on?

When churches come undone and need to heal

I have been called into many hurting church situations over the past several decades and counseled many others from a distance, often once a week including several days ago. What I have learned  over the past years is that when a church comes apart it takes more time to heal than people realize.

We often underestimate the healing process. We think that if we address the presenting issues (which do need to be addressed) that we will be OK and we can then move on. The truth is, however, that all healing takes time, usually more time than we want or expect. I am still healing from a severe illness some five years ago. Congregations that have been severely traumatized also take years to heal.

I have three suggestions for churches that have come undone and are in need of healing.

First, healing may well be the main work of the church for a season. While I didn't like it, coming out of hospital five years ago my main job for a season was therapy. The same is true for a wounded church. Relationships have been impacted, divisions have been caused, trust has been breached, sides have been picked. While many will simply want to move on what is really needed is a time of guided healing from someone who can help address the critical issues. Healing and health are not side issues but the central issue when a church as come undone.

Second, trust must be re-established. Congregations are like families and when trust has been broken there is nothing more important than to re-establish trust where that is possible and relationships where they have been broken. This not only takes time but it usually takes the facilitation of an outside neutral third party who can help parties hear and understand one another and hopefully reconcile. While many want to skip this hard step, underlying hostilities will dog the church for years if not resolved in a biblical manner.

Third, there are usually underlying issues that need to be addressed that either contributed to the church's trauma or might have prevented it in the first place.  While we cannot foresee future events we can learn from past events. It is not uncommon that in retrospect we see things that we should have noticed or paid attention to. Whatever they are we want to learn from the experience and put appropriate safeguards in place that would help us see and deal with dishealth in the future.

All of this is best facilitated by an outside facilitator or intentional interim pastor who has the skills to understand the dynamics involved and guide the congregation toward health. When this does not happen the congregation either repeats the dysfunction down the road or suffers additional pain from unresolved issues from the trauma it experienced but did not properly address.