Unfortunately there are unhealthy, manipulative and narcissistic church leaders. This article by Donald Miller is worth reading.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Nobody has talked to us about Jesus before!
Friends of mine recently had dinner with the wife's employers (another husband and wife). They asked the husband what he did for a living and he told them that he worked for an agency that planted churches around the world and introduced people to Jesus. At the end of the evening the couple said to my friends, "No one has ever talked to us about Jesus before."
Yes, this was in the United States! They knew about religion but no one had talked to them about Jesus. We assume that in a "Christian" country (it is not), that Jesus is well known. That assumption is wrong. Sure people know the name but there are many like those above who have never been told that the Gospel is about a relationship with a person - Jesus.
Far from being offended, this couple was intrigued. I am sure it will lead to further conversation. As you interact with people, don't assume that they understand that Christianity is about a Savior with whom they can relate and enter into a personal relationship because of the incarnation. It is a life changing revelation!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Dirty church politics
If there is one thing I hate and I have to believe that Jesus hates as well is dirty politics in the church. Dirty politics where people with a hidden agenda use underhanded tactics including rumors, lies, gossip and manipulation of the church constitution at times to get what they want. One only has to read the book of Ephesians to know that there is nothing spiritual, God like or righteous in using unrighteous means to achieve one's will.
I was the victim of dirty politics in a church I served. I know how it felt and for years afterwards there were people who spread lies about me and my ministry. Their politics split the church. Unfortunately it is no unusual.
Here are some of the common characteristics of dirty politics.
First, there is a hidden agenda behind the scenes which is not stated because they know they would be discredited if it was. They have the conversations behind closed doors with those they are in alignment with but are never upfront about what they think or intend to do. It may be to derail the leadership direction of the leaders or be as blatant as forcing a pastor out.
Second, there are unrighteous things said. By unrighteous I mean falsehoods, rumors and outright lies. Information is passed along which is damaging to others that has never been verified. Think of how often God says in the Scriptures that he hates falsehood. When this is present, evil is present.
Third, while they may use spiritual language the real issue is power. If it was about ministry they would be willing to state their position publicly so everyone knows. Anyone who does not do that is playing power politics with a hidden agenda and that is almost always about power, not true concern for the church nor concern for truth.
Fourth, these are people who are arsonists. They light fires with gossip and lies and then are not to be found when someone tries to figure out where they came from. In other words they refuse to be accountable for their words or actions which is power and unrighteousness combined.
How do you know when this is taking place in your church? When there is gossip going around about leadership. When there are power plays in meetings. When common language is used which clearly indicates that there is a faction talking. When the issues are not clearly stated up front. When conflict starts to erode the congregation. When you start to hear common language from diverse people.
One of the best ways to counteract this is simply to tell the congregation what is taking place, what is being said and simply ask them if that is what they want. Chances are the perpetrators will run for the hills because they don't want a public debate. If they thought they would win that way they would do it. Rather they are using underhanded means because they know that the bulk of the congregation would not be in agreement with. It is unrighteous and cowardly behavior. We see it all the time in politics but it has no place in the church.
Be smart, be truthful, be wise but don't let those who play by dirty politics to determine the direction of the church. In almost every instance where they succeed the church loses. Why should we be surprised? There is nothing righteous about their behavior!
See also Hearing the voice behind the voices.
I was the victim of dirty politics in a church I served. I know how it felt and for years afterwards there were people who spread lies about me and my ministry. Their politics split the church. Unfortunately it is no unusual.
Here are some of the common characteristics of dirty politics.
First, there is a hidden agenda behind the scenes which is not stated because they know they would be discredited if it was. They have the conversations behind closed doors with those they are in alignment with but are never upfront about what they think or intend to do. It may be to derail the leadership direction of the leaders or be as blatant as forcing a pastor out.
Second, there are unrighteous things said. By unrighteous I mean falsehoods, rumors and outright lies. Information is passed along which is damaging to others that has never been verified. Think of how often God says in the Scriptures that he hates falsehood. When this is present, evil is present.
Third, while they may use spiritual language the real issue is power. If it was about ministry they would be willing to state their position publicly so everyone knows. Anyone who does not do that is playing power politics with a hidden agenda and that is almost always about power, not true concern for the church nor concern for truth.
Fourth, these are people who are arsonists. They light fires with gossip and lies and then are not to be found when someone tries to figure out where they came from. In other words they refuse to be accountable for their words or actions which is power and unrighteousness combined.
How do you know when this is taking place in your church? When there is gossip going around about leadership. When there are power plays in meetings. When common language is used which clearly indicates that there is a faction talking. When the issues are not clearly stated up front. When conflict starts to erode the congregation. When you start to hear common language from diverse people.
One of the best ways to counteract this is simply to tell the congregation what is taking place, what is being said and simply ask them if that is what they want. Chances are the perpetrators will run for the hills because they don't want a public debate. If they thought they would win that way they would do it. Rather they are using underhanded means because they know that the bulk of the congregation would not be in agreement with. It is unrighteous and cowardly behavior. We see it all the time in politics but it has no place in the church.
Be smart, be truthful, be wise but don't let those who play by dirty politics to determine the direction of the church. In almost every instance where they succeed the church loses. Why should we be surprised? There is nothing righteous about their behavior!
See also Hearing the voice behind the voices.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Husbands who abuse and church leaders who don't act or downplay the abuse
I am reposting a blog from Elisabeth Klein with permission entitled Churches, Wake Up to Abuse. This is a real issue and one that many church leaders do not take seriously enough.
I am a very grateful girl. My pleas for help were misunderstood for a dozen years. And now, in this safe place, I can honestly say that I am grateful that they were. Hear me out.
Because my experience is one of not being helped and being helped, I know both sides of the continuum because I experienced both sides of the continuum firsthand.
I do not wish it on anyone else, of course. I wish every pastor and church leader and adult ministries director and small group leader understood the difference between marriages going through a rough patch and marriages that are characterized by abuse or addiction issues. But that is not the case. I hear stories all the time of women who went to their church for help, thinking it was their safest place, and not getting it.
In fact, I’m reading Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood’s A Cry for Justice right now. These people get it. This is an all-too-familiar cycle that already-abused women suffer through at the hands of their church leadership. Please read this with an open mind and heart…if you are a church leader, does this sound like you?
“1. Victim reports abuse to her pastor/church leader.
2. Pastor/church leader does not believe her claims, or at least believes they are greatly exaggerated. After all, he “knows” her husband to be one of the finest Christian men he knows, a pillar of the church.
3. Pastor/church leader minimizes the severity of the abuse. His goal is often, frankly, damage control (to himself and to his church).
4. Pastor/church leader indirectly (or not so indirectly!) implies that the victim needs to do better in her role as wife and mother and as a Christian. He concludes that all such scenarios are a “50/50” blame sharing.
5. Pastor/church leader sends the victim home, back to the abuser, after praying with her and entrusting the problem to the Lord.
6. Pastor/church leader believes he has done his job.
7. Victim returns, reporting that nothing has changed. She has tried harder and prayed, but the abuse has continued.
8. Pastor/church leader decides to do some counseling. He says “I will have a little talk with your husband” or “I am sure that all three of us can sit down and work this all out.” Either of these routes only results in further and more intense abuse of the victim. This counseling can go on for years! (One victim reported that it dragged on for nine years in her case).
9. As time passes, the victim becomes the guilty party in the eyes of the pastor/church leader and others. She is the one causing the commotion. She is pressured by the pastor/church leader and others in the church to stop rebelling, to submit to her husband, and stop causing division in the church.
10. After more time passes, the victim separates from or divorces the abuser. The church has refused to believe her, has persistently covered up the abuse, has failed to obey the law and report the abuse to the police; and has refused to exercise church discipline against the abuser. Ironically, warnings of impending church discipline are often directed against the victim!
11. The final terrible injustice is that the victim is the one who must leave the church, while the abuser remains a member in good standing, having successfully duped the pastor/church leader and church into believing that his victim was the real problem.”
In my first twelve or so years of asking for help, this was my cycle, and it happened several times. I can gratefully say that I did eventually get the help that I (and my marriage) so desperately needed, but I need you to hear me. The above cycle is real. The above cycle happens more than you want to believe. The above cycle absolutely MUST STOP.
If you are a pastor or are in church leadership, I believe that God is counting on you to wake up and to get this right. His children are in need of your help, your intervention, your wisdom, your prayer, your support. If this sounds like how you’ve handled these situations in the past, it’s not too late to make living amends by doing research and changing your approach. Please. On behalf of every woman who is dying (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) in her marriage, I am begging you to do things differently from this point forward. Marriages and hearts and lives are at stake.
Two questions I’d like to leave you with from A Cry for Justice:
Do I see abuse in the same light as the Lord does, or have I been guilty of minimizing or even denying it?
Have you ever considered that the Pauline exception of abandonment just might include the emotional, spiritual, or financial abandonment often faced by victims of domestic abuse?
Please allow me to pray for you as you lead and counsel and offer support:
Jesus, I lift up every pastor and church leader who comes in contact with a woman in an abusive or addiction-fraught marriage. Please open their eyes and minds and hearts to the realities of these women. Please give them the humility to admit if they’ve been wrong and the courage to course-correct. Please give them the wisdom they need to stand up and fight for these women, for their children, even for their husbands. Please do something, Jesus. We need you. These women and children need you. Amen.
Recommended resources:
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer
Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage by Elisabeth Klein
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer
Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage by Elisabeth Klein
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger
The art of critical analysis and distinguishing between what is and what we wish it to be
It is very easy to assume that all is well in our ministries, on our boards or with our ministry teams whether or not it is actually true. One of the deficits of ministry leaders is that we are often not very skilled at critical analysis and don't take the time to evaluate deeply our actual health from what we wish that health to be. We tend to look at our ministries through rose colored glasses, assume the best and do not have mechanisms to verify the actual situation.
In my work with churches, for instance, boards often assume that all is well with the staff until one day they get a wake up call and realize that there are all kinds of dysfunction on staff due to poor leadership of their senior pastor in that arena and they have a major problem on their hands. Their assumptions were wrong and they had not done due diligence to monitor what was compared to what they assumed it to be. In most of these cases the problems had been brewing for years and it was still not identified and dealt with.
The same is true for boards themselves where we assume all is well and one day realize that we have not been guarding the unity of the board and have been living with unhealthy relationships and practices and there is now division. It did not happen overnight. We were simply blind to it.
I could give many other examples but it comes down to this. Are we paying attention to the various aspects of our ministry and asking the hard questions as to what is really happening or are we assuming the best and glossing over the problems. Critical analysis is not always easy, it can be threatening, and it takes time but it is the only way to ensure ongoing health and effectiveness.
For boards and senior leaders: Don't just take everyone's word that all is well. Ask the hard questions and find ways to verify. This is one of our jobs. We celebrate success and progress but we are also always alert to what is "under the hood" and where the issues are that need to be addressed. It is learning to distinguish between what really is and what we wish them to be.
In my work with churches, for instance, boards often assume that all is well with the staff until one day they get a wake up call and realize that there are all kinds of dysfunction on staff due to poor leadership of their senior pastor in that arena and they have a major problem on their hands. Their assumptions were wrong and they had not done due diligence to monitor what was compared to what they assumed it to be. In most of these cases the problems had been brewing for years and it was still not identified and dealt with.
The same is true for boards themselves where we assume all is well and one day realize that we have not been guarding the unity of the board and have been living with unhealthy relationships and practices and there is now division. It did not happen overnight. We were simply blind to it.
I could give many other examples but it comes down to this. Are we paying attention to the various aspects of our ministry and asking the hard questions as to what is really happening or are we assuming the best and glossing over the problems. Critical analysis is not always easy, it can be threatening, and it takes time but it is the only way to ensure ongoing health and effectiveness.
For boards and senior leaders: Don't just take everyone's word that all is well. Ask the hard questions and find ways to verify. This is one of our jobs. We celebrate success and progress but we are also always alert to what is "under the hood" and where the issues are that need to be addressed. It is learning to distinguish between what really is and what we wish them to be.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Understanding one of the most important countries in Africa
Every now and then a book comes along that is truly outstanding and this is one. Congo, often called the heart of Africa, has been a place of mission activity for many, many years. It is one of the richest countries in the world in natural resources but a failed state. It has suffered one of the longest civil wars, dictatorships, has a legacy of slave trading going back to when it was a possession of King Leopold of Belgium. It is also a place where the church is growing and flourishing and where there is a deep desire for the Gospel to transform the country and it is a country in need of transformation.
In many ways Congo is a metaphor for much of Africa and this book will keep your attention as it unfolds its history through the eyes of those who lived it. I highly recommend it to everyone who wants to learn more about Africa and to all who support mission efforts in Congo it is a must read.
Congo: The Epic History of a People, by David Van Reybrouck.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
How to destroy a good decision
The answer is very simple: Run a bad process! I have come to the conclusion that it is easier to make the right decision than it is to run the process necessary to carry it out well. And good decisions, executed badly hurt your organization in a significant way.
Take for example a decision to let a staff member go who is under performing and creating significant issues for the rest of the staff. At some point after trying to coach and having been candid with the staff member to try to help them grow you make the (right) decision that they need to leave your team. The easy part is done.
The hard part is the process by which you make the transition. Do you know who their constituency is that may take up their cause? Is there a way to help them go to another job rather than just leave the present job? Can you convince them to not "burn" your ministry on the way out because of anger? If challenged, can you demonstrate that you ran proper process before you made your decision? Is that process documented so that you are not running into legal trouble? Are there timing issues involved? Do you know how their responsibilities will be handled when they are gone? Have you thought through your communication plan? Are there people you need to talk to personally? Are there any unintended consequences to what you intend to do?
Good decisions handled badly destroy whatever forward process your decision was meant to bring. Even a bad decision handled well is better than a good decision handled badly.
Often we put great care into getting our decision right but are careless in the execution of the decision. The truth is that often we need to put more time into the process than the decision itself. Making good decisions and running good process are both critically important.
Take for example a decision to let a staff member go who is under performing and creating significant issues for the rest of the staff. At some point after trying to coach and having been candid with the staff member to try to help them grow you make the (right) decision that they need to leave your team. The easy part is done.
The hard part is the process by which you make the transition. Do you know who their constituency is that may take up their cause? Is there a way to help them go to another job rather than just leave the present job? Can you convince them to not "burn" your ministry on the way out because of anger? If challenged, can you demonstrate that you ran proper process before you made your decision? Is that process documented so that you are not running into legal trouble? Are there timing issues involved? Do you know how their responsibilities will be handled when they are gone? Have you thought through your communication plan? Are there people you need to talk to personally? Are there any unintended consequences to what you intend to do?
Good decisions handled badly destroy whatever forward process your decision was meant to bring. Even a bad decision handled well is better than a good decision handled badly.
Often we put great care into getting our decision right but are careless in the execution of the decision. The truth is that often we need to put more time into the process than the decision itself. Making good decisions and running good process are both critically important.
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