Marginalization of the elders among us

One of the things that bothers me in the contemporary church is a tendency I see in some quarters to marginalize the generations that are older than us. 

America is a youth culture - it celebrates youth and many congregations have bought into that youth culture at the expense of our older generations who paved the way for us and who often pay the bills for us still today. Besides, what ever happened to all people matter to God? Since when do we not need the white hair generation to pass on some wisdom and experience to the youth of today? 

Now you may be thinking that I am just one of those cranky older folks since I am eligible for AARP (but not a member) at 57. I don't feel marginalized - yet, but I know many who do and I often wonder how those who do it (some pastors) will feel when they reach retirement. What I do know is that I no longer fit the targeted market of many churches. I am just glad Jesus does not have a target market as I might not fit it. Churches often seem to though.

All of God's people have a legacy to fill for as long as they are alive. The moment we marginalize them, pigeon hole them or treat them with a lack of respect and dignity we have lost our way. It is what the Pharisees did with various segments of the population. It is not what Jesus did. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Leadership and power

As a student of people, a leader, a leadership coach and an avid reader of biographies (including those in Scripture) I often think about the relationship of power and leading. I am convinced that power leaves no individual unscathed unless it is deliberately and continually managed and tempered because leadership includes the exercise of influence and power by its very nature.

We have all heard the adage that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Most leaders would not want to think that the adage pertains to them. Certainly leaders I know are generally not corrupt. But, the ability of power to change us can be subtle and insidious. And dangerous.

Consider: because leaders are in a position of power over others it is possible for them to live with greater autonomy and lesser accountability than others. After all, it is a difficult thing to challenge someone who has your livelihood in their hands. The very nature of the relationship makes it so. I know many staff who wish they could say some things to their leader but do not feel the freedom to do so. Perhaps it is true for some of my own staff. Those who have authority over others have much more freedom to speak into the lives of those they lead than the other way around.

That sense of power and freedom can lead unhealthy places: no longer listening to others as we should; carelessness in how we treat others; skirting ethical edges knowing that we will not be called on it; hubris; believing our own press (usually not very objective); thinking ourselves better than we really are (most leaders do); isolation; lack of transparency and even honesty and the list could go on. Any student of leadership, leaders and history knows the story. And it is not pretty.

I am convinced that the greater our leadership platform the greater our need for deep introspection of our lives, an understanding of our fallenness, temptations, and predilections and the depth of relationships with others that can help keep us honest: really honest. Because power all too often leads to dishonesty - the ability we have to fool ourselves regarding our motivations and our actions.

Deeply introspective leaders are more aware and conscious of who they are, what drives them, what their shadow side is and how they need to manage that shadow side than leaders who hide behind the addiction of activity. Driven leaders are often running from themselves, while introspective leaders are driven to understand themselves and live in a place of health! Much of that introspection needs to be around how we manage living with influence and power while living in personal health and wholeness.

Here are some introspective questions leaders can ask of themselves:

• Are there any areas of my leadership life where I am skirting the ethical edge because I can?
• Have I lost the ability to be honest with myself about what drives and motivates me?
• Do I hold others to a standard that is different than the standard  I hold myself to?
• Do I give my staff complete freedom to approach me on any issue regarding my leadership? Do I foster an open and candid atmosphere where staff feel free to challenge me and to ask hard questions? Am I willing to give my staff the ability to give me feedback on my leadership?
• Is there any area where I am using my power or influence for personal gain rather than for missional effectiveness?
• Do my ends ever justify my means when it comes to accomplishing the mission?
• Have I allowed leadership to develop a "pride of place" in my life that has crowded out personal humility?
• Do I have a set of core leadership values or guiding principles that I can articulate for myself and hold myself accountable to?
• What safeguards have I built into my life to keep power from changing me?

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Focused Leadership

One of the great sins of leadership today - across the board - is a lack of focus on what is most important with the resulting diffusion of energy, resources and results.

There is a natural human tendency away from focused living which requires more work, greater discipline and better thinking. As Jim Collins says, good is the enemy of great. Great requires focus. Good requires less.

My observation is that team members take their cues regarding focus from their leader. The less focused the leader, the less focused others in the organization. The more focused the leader, the more disciplined and focused those who work on their team. This puts even more responsibility on ministry leaders to model intentional, disciplined and focused lives.

The central practice of focused life and work is one we we often do not like: Discipline. Focus requires discipline and discipline implies bringing our priorities, time, energy and choices into line with what we have been tasked to do.

Lack of focus is really about laziness - the opposite of discipline. We don't like that word either but it describes the root cause of a lack of focus. One can do good work and be relatively lazy. One cannot do great work without discipline.

There are two areas where those who lead need to be constantly vigilant about their focus.

The first is missional focus. It is very easy to forget that our ministry must always be about fulfilling our mission. Mission drift is where we unconsciously drift away from the mission of the organization and it happens all the time.

Focused leaders think about mission every single day and they constantly remind their team that everything they do is both about their mission and must contribute to the mission. The less a leader thinks and talks mission, the less their team will live it.

It is very easy for leaders to move from missional to organizational. To focus on organizational issues instead of missional issues. Why? It is easier. It requires less work and less thinking. Focused leaders do not allow their missional focus to slip into organizational focus.

The second discipline is that of focused choices. The most precious commodity we have is our time - we can never get it back. The choices we make with how we spend our time reveal the level of discipline of our lives.

Truly focused leaders make choices about their activities based on whether that activity is critical in achieving their mission and they often say no to the nice in order to spend time on the critical.

The choices and activities of many leaders are not consistent with a missional focus. They do a lot of stuff, but it is often not the stuff that is most critical to lead them or their team to missional effectiveness. Again it is easy to default to organizational activity rather than the activity that will lead to mission fulfillment.

Focused leaders are always evaluating their choices and activities against the mission of the organization and exercise great personal discipline to focus on what is truly important in the fulfillment of mission.

How focused are you on the mission?

How disciplined are you in your choices and activity?

Are these two in alignment?

Barriers to good and timely decision making

It is the same in ministry or business. There are a a predictable number of barriers that staff can face in making even routine decisions that disempower them, and make it difficult to make timely and good decisions. Wise leaders do all that they can to remove these barriers for the sake of their staff and the organization as a whole.

1. Not having the organizational clarity needed to know on what basis I can make a decision. Because organizational clarity defines who we are, where we are going and the non-negotiables, it gives me a framework with which to make good decisions. In its absence I can only guess.

2. Not having clear boundaries from my leader as to what I can decide and what needs upward clearance. This is a leadership issue but when there is not clarity on "decision making authority" staff must by definition either ask permission or forgiveness.

3. A culture of blame when something goes wrong. In such cultures, staff members are reluctant to make decisions for fear that if it goes wrong, they will take the heat. So the ubiquitous CYA attitude that pervades many organizations to their detriment.

4. A culture of control that insists that all decisions are cleared by the senior leader or his/her designate. Control comes from a lack of trust in those who work for you to make their own good decisions. It becomes a huge bottleneck to forward progress and disempowers good staff. This will always plateau an organization because it is not a scaleable process.

5. Bureaucracy that requires decisions to be made multiple times at multiple levels. It is the difference between General Motors and Toyota in terms of how they operated over the years. Bureaucracy is a means of trying to control in the absence of clarity by getting multiple parties and levels involved even in routine decision making.

This is all about what it means to empower others. They will often do things differently than we would but if it gets us to the same destination, what is the difference. The greater clarity your organization has the easier it is for good staff to make decisions based on that common clarity. And to avoid decisions that would violate the culture and ethos of the organization. 

Removing barriers to good and timely decisions is a critical factor in a growing organization. If you want to know that barriers there actually are, just ask your staff. We might learn something.

Paying greater attention to gifting when it comes to those we put into church leadership

We ought to pay closer attention to the difference between leadership and caring gifts. For instance, many congregations have a group tasked primarily with leadership issues (usually the senior board or council of a church). Another board, committee or group meets individual needs of members in times of illness, difficulty or crisis.

The primary gifts needed to fulfill the leadership function are fundamentally different from those needed to fulfill a caring function. People in crisis need caregivers who are high on mercy, understanding and patience. What they don't need (or want) are type A leaders who want to give them the five steps out of their crisis in the next 48 hours, if they would only get their act together!

Those with strong leadership gifts are often not great at "feeling your pain." When enmeshed in caring ministries, many leadership-gifted individuals want to get on with the stuff of vision, strategy and decision-making.

At the same time, many decisions that leaders make are going to cause someone or some group in the church to be unhappy. High mercy individuals often find conflict difficult, and leadership has its share of conflict (good and bad kinds). I have encountered high mercy types in senior leadership roles who feel totally out of their comfort zone. They serve because they were asked, but it is a painful and frustrating experience for them.

Perhaps one of the reasons so many churches in the United States are at a plateau or in decline is that we have not asked enough leaders to lead and have paid little attention to where we deploy individuals in relation to their God-given gift set. My experience is that nominating committees (or whoever are the gatekeepers for those asked to serve) receive little or no training in the whole process of giftedness. Yet they are the recruiters of people into key ministry roles.

In the marketplace, huge energy and money is expended to get the right people into the right spot based on abilities and wiring. In the church, far too little attention is paid to this, even though the New Testament clearly articulates the principle.

Strong leadership boards are made up of individuals who have leadership or administrative gifts within their gift set, are comfortable in their leadership role, are people of proven influence, and are willing to carry out all the New Testament-given functions of senior church leaders.

Thanking those who mentored and influenced you

None of us became who we without the influence of some significant individuals in our lives. All of us stand on the shoulders of others whether parents, mentors, influencers, spouses and friends. Each of them was a gift to us and should be considered precious to us because God used them in our lives to make us better than we would have been without them.

Have you ever thanked those who helped mold you? Each of them gave us a great gift. I can look to parents, close friends, colleagues, a key seminary professor, Christian leaders who engaged with me when I was young, even those I know from afar through their writing but who had a profound influence. None of us are "self made." We bear the lessons, influence and maturity of others whose  faith and life have rubbed off on us. We are all better because of it.

In our fast paced and self centered world, don't forget to thank those who helped shape you. It is easy to take them for granted but also sad. They were faithful in some way that made us who we are. Lets thank God for them and lets thank them. When we get to heaven we will realize how much others helped shape us. All of us stand on the shoulders of others. A grateful heart recognizes their influence and takes the time to thank them. I for one am very thankful for those who invested in me.

The high wire of faith

Contributing Writer

Mary Ann Addington

When our son Steven was in 5th grade I was asked to be a parent volunteer on a 3 day class trip to Wolfridge Environmental Learning Center in northeast Minnesota. One of the activities was a high ropes course. Starting from a walk across a balance beam sort of structure, the course builds up to a thirty foot high Burma Bridge and ends in a zip line back to the ground.

The Burma Bridge was the most intimidating because one walks across on a single cable. Even being hooked into a cable above your head and cables at your side, you still have to step out onto the single line. After I coaxed and encouraged about ten 5th graders to go over the Burma Bridge, one youngster turned to me and said, “Mrs. Addington! Now it is your turn!”

This was not what I had signed up for, but I could hardly chicken out after telling all the kids that they could do it. As I was on the platform trying to figure out if there was any way out of stepping onto the cable, my fan club stood below. “Mrs. Addington, we know you can do it!” “Come on, Mrs. Addington, you helped us do it!”

With trepidation I take my first step out the cable holds and the line above is still hooked in. About half way across I even breathed enough to notice that above the trees I could see Lake Superior off in the distance. And to the delight of my fan club below I actually made it across the cable and back to terra firma.

Living by faith when life comes undone is much like walking the Bermuda Bridge. The cable is hard to walk, it is a long way down, and every step forward requires balance and the faith that the cable will hold and that the safety ropes can be trusted.

The first steps are the hardest but there comes a place where we actually start to breathe again. While we would never willingly sign up for it, we learn that we can take the step of faith, put our weight on the line and that the cable will hold the safety ropes hold.

Living on the wire of faith means sticking to the confidence that God is in control and can be trusted even when all evidence is to the contrary. During T.J.’s initial illness, I would be irritated with people who would say over and over how hard this must have been on his dad because he was a doctor and understood how sick Tim was.

I would think, “This is true, but give me some credit!” I am an RN with ER and ICU experience and had done of lot of research on MRSA and ARDS. I knew that this was really, really bad. There were numbers on his monitor that were worse than I had ever seen- except on someone who was dying. I could tell by the body language of the nursing and medical staff that they thought I was in lala land when I spoke of discharge planning.

Every night I would go to sleep at night listening to Lincoln Brewster’s “Another Hallelujah” and had to tell God that this would be my response to whatever happened the next day. Every day was like taking another step of faith on the high ropes, choosing to trust God.

I had to train myself to move from fear to trust countless times during the long ICU ordeal. “Fear not” is the most repeated command in all of Scripture because it is so easy to live in fear rather than in faith. It is a choice we make and it is really about whether we focus on our undoneness or on God.

My worst day in T.J.’s first ordeal in the ICU was when I received a call from his sister telling me to get to his room right away because his stats were terrible. I rushed back to the hospital from a nearby restaurant to find T.J.’s heart beating at 240 beats per minute. This was on top of his massive pneumonia, ARDS, septic shock and a failed mitral valve in his heart. His heart was desperately trying to compensate for the mitral valve failure and get oxygen to his organs.

The nurses hustled me out of the room so they could try and shock his heart back into rhythm. I went to a nearby room where I could see what was happening overwhelmed with fear. This was the worst it could be. Humanly speaking, T.J.’s heart would just give up. They could not do surgery to mend the mitral valve because he would not survive the surgery. It was God’s intervention or death. And that intervention had to be quick.

Sitting in that alcove watching the medical personnel around T.J.’s bed I wrestled with fear and faith in a way I had never done before. God had told me that it would be close but he would make it. Could I really believe that in the face of what I was watching? Was that rational? Could God really be trusted? Had I heard him right? This was one of the cases when the medical personnel would not even make eye contact with me because they knew the inevitable outcome. Indescribably fear gripped my whole body. I felt like I was about to go into a free fall from the high wire and there were no safety lines attached.

I chose faith over fear as hard as that was watching what I was watching. The staff were not able to shock T.J.’s heart back into rhythm and we knew that unless the mitral valve was healed there was no way he would survive. We put an urgent call for a day of prayer and fasting specifically asking for a miracle to heal the mitral valve. Across the globe those watching the blog (over 10,000 individual users) stormed the gates of heaven boldly asking for an outright miracle. Within that twenty four hour period it started to slowly heal! He was not out of the woods by any means but God was true to the words He had given me.

To this day, when T.J. visits his cardiologist he shakes his head and says, “How did you dodge that bullet?” They were certain that he would need surgery to repair the valve when he was well enough to have it – if he survived. On his most recent visit, the cardiologist told T.J. he did not need to come back.

One of the hard things is that God does not always do what we wish He would do. His ways are sovereign and we will not always understand His plans or purposes for our lives. But we always have the choice of focusing on Him or focusing on our circumstances. Our circumstances are unpredictable but His is always faithful. It is the choice we make between fear and faith when life comes undone.

God loves it when we choose to trust him! And it is as much as a choice as when we put our full weight on the cable and begin that hard walk. Trusting does not mean that we know how everything will turn out, but that we live in the confidence that God loves us like we love our kids and that He is in control. Trusting God brings peace, even when that does not seem logical.

Isaiah 26:3 has been up on my bathroom mirror since December of 2007:
You will keep in perfect peace

him whose mind is steadfast,

because he trusts in you.

It is not about me! It is about keeping my mind and emotions focused on who God is. It is not about whether I have done all the right things, or even that I am trusting the right way. It is about keeping our minds steadfast on who God said He is and what He has promised to do which includes peace when all evidence says that cannot happen. Life on the high ropes is not about us- it is all about God, His grace, and our simple trust in Him. It’s putting our weight on the wire one step at a time.

Older leaders and their attitudes toward younger leaders

Recently I asked a successful pastor in his fifties who pastors a large church in the Midwest what leadership lessons he had learned recently. His answer was interesting and I think relevant in many situations. He said, "I am learning the need to allow younger leaders to lead, to not get in their way, and to give them the freedom to do things the way they want to do them."

I believe his answer applies to churches, missions and other ministries. It is often difficult for leaders in their latter years to release leaders in their young years because younger leaders will often approach ministry and strategy differently than those of us in our fifties (me included).

He made an interesting observation: "It is easy to try to control these young leaders but it is counterproductive." I agree. When we bring young leaders onto our teams we must release them as we release all others to use their gifts in line with their wiring to accomplish what we have asked them to accomplish. They will challenge our methodology and paradigms and they will help us become all that we can be.

Key to releasing others is a secure leader who is not threatened by other good people who may well have ideas that are better than theirs. That takes a very non defensive attitude and humility. But again, it is not about us but about God and the building of his kingdom.

If you are a leader in your fifties and sixties and have younger leaders on your staff you may want to have a candid dialogue with your younger leaders and find out how free they feel, how empowered they feel. Often we don't realize that we are not truly releasing others fully. The more we do, the stronger our ministries will be - and the better leaders we are.

A vision, a plan and a leader

Want to get something done? Three things are needed every time! A vision (what do we want to accomplish?), a plan (how are we going to do it?) and a leader (who will lead the way?). It is pretty simple but all too often good intentions fall prey to the lack of one of these three.

Think of the local church where there is no end of ministry dreams and possibilities. Three simple questions need to be asked. What is the vision of this ministry and how does it fit with the vision of the church? The desire to do something is not a vision. Vision has to do with what we want to accomplish and why.

What is your plan is question two. Vision is not a substitute for a workable, reasonable, plan for how the vision is going to be carried out. The world has many "visionaries" who have no plan and generally they don't produce much.

Who is going to lead the way? No endeavor works without a leader who will take the responsibility to ensure that what needs to happen happens and will give coordination and encouragement to the group.

It is simple but then again most effective strategies are.

Dealing with people who just don't get it

Too often in Christian circles when faced with problematic behaviors we are far less candid and defining than we need to be in trying to address them. In our desire to be "nice" and exhibit "grace" we understate the issues hoping that the staff member will "get it" and respond. Usually it does not work and in fact backfires when the behaviors continue unabated. 

Ironically it is precisely because they don't "get it" in the first place that we are having the conversation.

In addition, our "nice" approach is not fair to the one we are trying to get through to as they are not experts in subtlety. The only thing that will get their attention if one wants to help them is candid, unadulterated truth and honest feedback delivered in a way that leaves no room for interpretation. It is not about being unkind. It is about being exceedingly defining.

What do we need to be defining on?

First we need to be defining on what the problematic behaviors are with examples so that the staff member understands precisely what behaviors we are talking about. While they may not agree that the behaviors are problematic they must be clear on our assessment of them.

Second, we must be defining on how the behaviors impact others or the team negatively. 

Third, we must be defining on what we expect in the future. If we leave any doubt as to our expectations it is highly likely that there will be little if any change. After all, why go to the trouble of modifying my behavior if there is not a clear and defined expectation?

Fourth, we need to be defining as to what the consequences may be if there is not significant progress on problematic behaviors. This means that there is a clear follow up plan and that the individual knows from the start that the conversation is not over.

People who don't get it need help in getting it. As we say in Minnesota, "Minnesota nice" does not work in these situations. Directness is imperative when dealing with those who don't get subtlety. 

Unselfish Kingdom driven leadership

As I watch fellow leaders - at whatever level they lead - I am struck that there are essentially two kinds of ministry leaders: Those who are consumed by their own success and those who unselfishly give themselves away to help others be successful. I call the latter, unselfish leadership.

Unselfish or generous leaders care about helping others around them be successful. They invest time in others, mentor and befriend other leaders, pray for them, spend time with them and build genuine friendships. Contrast that with leaders how don't have time for others because they are so consumed by their own concerns.

I have watched this with both ministry and workplace leaders. I remember a lunch I had once with the leader of a significant ministry that serves other ministries. In a two hour lunch, there were no questions asked about what I did or the ministry I represented. It was all about him! I left that lunch knowing that this was a selfish and self consumed leader. Fortunately I am surrounded by both marketplace and ministry leaders who represent generous and unselfish leadership.

We live in a day of significant ministry competition - something we don't like to admit. But here is the truth: only selfish, self consumed leaders compete - at least in the ministry world. Generous and unselfish ministry leaders are not competing. Instead they will do all that they can to help others succeed.

I am committed to giving myself away to others in any way that I can. It is the antidote to selfish living and competition. It is the way of Christ. It is also the route to spiritual influence. After all, wise leaders know that the ultimate goal is not building a personal kingdom but having the greatest spiritual influence that it is possible to have. Life is not about us! It is about God.

What motivates your ministry?

For those of us who are in ministry, paid or volunteer, full time or part time, the question of our motivation is central to how we will carry our ministry out. Here is the question: Is our ministry about us or about God and the gospel?

Now, that may seem like a funny question to ask anyone who is giving their time and energy in ministry. But actually it is not. Paul makes the point that there are people who minister out of selfish motives. It was true then and it is true now.

Those motives may be prestige, having a large church, being the best, pulling down a decent salary, being a leader, looking for respect, or any number of personal issues that drive us. I am convinced that there are an inordinate number of people in ministry who have deep personal needs and seek to fill those needs through ministry. Ministries either breed narcissism or attract it, I am not sure which but there are a lot of folks in ministry who have a need to "be someone."

This can be true of laypeople or full time workers. When motivations are not pure, when we are trying to fill personal needs through ministry we often end up hurting people and the ministry we serve. If it is about me, we have a problem.

I love meeting pastors in the majority (poor world) because they have little or nothing to gain by being in ministry. Unlike those in the minority (wealthy) world, they cannot pull down a decent salary, they are marginalized in society and often pay a heavy price personally for what they do. They are motivated solely by the desire to please God and share the gospel.

True motivation for ministry is that of humbly serving our God, and being passionate about the sharing of the gospel - period. If that is my motivation:

• I won't care who gets the credit


• I won't need the limelight


• I will be willing to give ministry away


• I will serve rather than want to be served


• I will partner with others


• I will empower others


• I will equip others


• I won't be enamored by the indicators of success that others are enamored by


• I won't need to get my own way


• I will lift others 
  

Our motivation affects our actions. Take a moment and reflect on your motivations in ministry today. Is it about you or is it about God and the gospel? Really!

Are you an individual producer or organizational leader?

For those who lead organizations, whether churches or other ministries there is a crucial piece of information that is needed when hiring or placing individuals in ministry spots. That is understanding the distinction between an organizational leader - one who leads others - and an individual producer.

Organizational leaders are people who are wired to lead through other people. They are gifted in mobilizing healthy teams of people to tackle ministry opportunities. They work through the team, lead through the team and accomplish the ministry responsibilities they have through team. They love to mobilize, empower and develop other individuals.

Individual producers on the other hand are wired to have ministry impact through their own ministry initiatives. They need hands on ministry impact, like to develop things themselves, minister themselves, and do ministry themselves rather than leading through other people.

Why is an understanding of this distinction important? If you put an individual producer in the leadership of a team they will not develop their team or lead through their team but because of their wiring will revert to doing things themselves. This will result in weak team because the team is not the focus of an individual producers attention - personal ministry is. Team is secondary to an individual producer. Their attention is on what they can personally do.

This distinction is all about wiring - not about capacity or brightness. There are many exceedingly bright individual producers. They are simply not wired to lead others and putting them in that position produces frustration for them and often for those they lead. This is often a challenge for pastors, many of whom are really individual producers by wiring but find themselves needing to lead a team as the ministry grows.

People are either wired as individual producers or organizational leaders. The key is understanding the wiring of good people so that those who are wired for hands on ministry are not taken out of their wiring to lead through others. On the other hand, organizational leaders love to lead through others and will make their team the focus of their efforts.

Think about yourself - which are you really wired for? Think about your supervisor - which are they wired for?

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ten indicators of unhealthy teams

Unhealthy teams cause a high degree of frustration for team members. The following indicators - if true of the staff or team you serve on would indicate that you serve on an unhealthy team:

There is low trust among members
Low trust is usually generated by an unhealthy leader who does not create a culture of trust and transparency within the team. Mistrust of one another, questioning of motives, or a culture of fear (fear of doing something wrong or crossing one's leader) are symptoms of low trust.

You don't really like to be with team members
This is a logical outcome of a culture of mistrust. Closed doors, secretive meetings, lack of cooperation and are indicative of a culture of mistrust and in this ethos, staff members do not bond.

There is weak missional leadership
There is not a strong missional emphasis by the team leader and therefore the missional glue that holds the team together and motivates its efforts is absent.

Candid and transparent dialogue is discouraged
Unhealthy teams know that certain topics are off limits and that transparency will get them into trouble. Team members keep their real opinions to themselves rather than run the risk of getting into trouble by being truly honest.

There is ambiguity regarding roles
There is not a clear delineation of what individuals are responsible for. Rather, than clarity, supervisors simply tell their reports what to do and that agenda may change on the whim of the supervisor. Staff is never entirely clear about what their responsibility is.

Team member are not empowered to use their ideas, creativity and gifts in accomplishing their jobs
Rather, their supervisor wants them to do their job as he/she would do it. Supervisors regularly step in and change what has been done, are critical work or micromanage their team members.

There is not a mentor/coach paradigm of supervision
Rather than serving as a mentor/coach whose objective is to bring out the very best in their team members, supervisors tell staff what they need to do, do not regularly meet with staff to help them grow and tend to be critical rather than a cheerleader.

Your leader lacks self confidence and self assurance
Threatened leaders make for a workplace of fear and intimidation because their lack of confidence and assurance often causes them to be hard on those around them rather than release those around them.

There is a low degree of collaboration
Team members "keep their heads down" and do their own thing rather than enthusiastically working with one another and guarding one another's back.

There is a culture that discourages innovation
Especially if the innovation is not the idea of the leader, who needs to drive each part of the ministry. Staff members are not released to dream, innovate and try new things.

If your team has five or more of these characteristics, you serve on an unhealthy team.

Team resources include The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni and Leading from the Sandbox: Develop, Empower and Release High Impact Ministry Team, T.J. Addington

Ten indicators of a healthy team

How healthy is the team or staff that you serve on? You know you serve on a healthy staff when...

There is a high degree of trust among staff members

Healthy teams are trusting teams. They trust their leaders and they trust one another. The high degree of trust eliminates the need for hidden agendas, lack of transparency or the need to question motives.

You love to be with your colleagues

Healthy teams enjoy working together. They may not be "best friends" outside of work but they enjoy working and collaborating together

There is strong missional leadership

One of the marks of a healthy team is that they are passionately committed to achieving a clear, motivating, meaningful mission. It is the mission which provides the glue that holds them together

Robust dialogue is encouraged and practiced

On healthy teams people have full freedom to speak their minds without hidden agendas or attacking others. There is no fear in being candid and honest even when ones opinion may not be the mainstream view.

There is clarity of responsibility

Healthy teams practice clarity of responsibility so that each member knows what they are responsible for.

There is empowerment to accomplish your job as you see fit

Healthy teams have empowered cultures where good individuals are empowered to accomplish their job in line with their particular gifting and without the micromanagement of supervisors.

Your supervisor is both a mentor and a coach

Healthy teams have leaders who both mentor and coach their team members rather than simply telling them what to do . There is a monthly mentor/coach meeting with supervisors.

Your leader is self assured and non-threatened

Healthy teams have healthy leaders who are are secure in themselves and not threatened by other strong leaders.

There is a high degree of collaboration between members

Healthy teams are those who work interdependently rather than independently. Each member is both aware of and supportive of the work and responsibilities of other team members. The end goal is always that of accomplishing the mission of the organization.

There is a culture of innovation

If you always do what you always did you always get what you always got. Healthy teams encourage innovative ideas, practices and new ways of accomplishing ministry in order to stay on the front edge of effectiveness.

How many of these indicators are true of the team you serve on?

When churches come undone and need to heal

I have been called into many hurting church situations over the past several decades and counseled many others from a distance, often once a week including several days ago. What I have learned  over the past years is that when a church comes apart it takes more time to heal than people realize.

We often underestimate the healing process. We think that if we address the presenting issues (which do need to be addressed) that we will be OK and we can then move on. The truth is, however, that all healing takes time, usually more time than we want or expect. I am still healing from a severe illness some five years ago. Congregations that have been severely traumatized also take years to heal.

I have three suggestions for churches that have come undone and are in need of healing.

First, healing may well be the main work of the church for a season. While I didn't like it, coming out of hospital five years ago my main job for a season was therapy. The same is true for a wounded church. Relationships have been impacted, divisions have been caused, trust has been breached, sides have been picked. While many will simply want to move on what is really needed is a time of guided healing from someone who can help address the critical issues. Healing and health are not side issues but the central issue when a church as come undone.

Second, trust must be re-established. Congregations are like families and when trust has been broken there is nothing more important than to re-establish trust where that is possible and relationships where they have been broken. This not only takes time but it usually takes the facilitation of an outside neutral third party who can help parties hear and understand one another and hopefully reconcile. While many want to skip this hard step, underlying hostilities will dog the church for years if not resolved in a biblical manner.

Third, there are usually underlying issues that need to be addressed that either contributed to the church's trauma or might have prevented it in the first place.  While we cannot foresee future events we can learn from past events. It is not uncommon that in retrospect we see things that we should have noticed or paid attention to. Whatever they are we want to learn from the experience and put appropriate safeguards in place that would help us see and deal with dishealth in the future.

All of this is best facilitated by an outside facilitator or intentional interim pastor who has the skills to understand the dynamics involved and guide the congregation toward health. When this does not happen the congregation either repeats the dysfunction down the road or suffers additional pain from unresolved issues from the trauma it experienced but did not properly address.

Learning to discern the difference between what is negotiable and what is not and how it impacts your leadership

Too many leaders, especially when they are young have not learned that negotiation is a key to their leadership. Negotiation is the art of taking into account the various perspectives and concerns of a number of parties and coming up with a solution that can be supported by all.

Needing to have our way and not being open to other perspectives or willing to compromise with others is a sign of pride, stubbornness and often gets black and white leaders into trouble. People rightly start to perceive them as unreasonable and hard to work with.

This does not mean we cannot have strong opinions. It is a mark of a leader but why is my strong opinion superior to another's strong opinion? Because it is mine? Because I need to be right? Because my ego and person hood is so wrapped up in getting my way? When one looks at it that way it looks, well, arrogant and ugly!

Healthy leaders state their positions but also invite robust dialogue on issues, believing that better answers come from a number of competent people grappling with an issue than just them. They also have an attitude that it is about the mission, not about them and so don't take it personally when they don't get all that they want. 

All of life is a negotiation at some level. My marriage is. My leadership is. Even the relationship with my kids was. Sure there are  convictions that we won't compromise on but all too often what we won't compromise on is not conviction but preference. The best leaders invite opposing views and bring their group to a healthy consensus. They know how to negotiate and compromise.

When leaders create conflict

Leaders of organizations, churches and teams often have a role in creating conflict that is unhealthy. Much conflict could be avoided if leaders could avoid these mistakes.

Ambiguity
Leaders who are unclear as to who the organization is and where it is going and how it will fulfill its mission create conflict through their lack of clarity. When mission, guiding principles, ministry focus and culture are not clear, there is ample room for misunderstanding, unmet expectations and therefore, conflict over direction or philosophy. Healthy leaders are very clear on the critical elements and do not leave the door open for ambiguity which will naturally lead to conflict.

Disempowering actions
Leaders who seem to promise empowerment but in reality disempower their staff through micromanagement, lack of clarity or not delegating appropriate authority and responsibility create conflict by their actions. Empowerment is only possible where there is great clarity over mission, values, focus and culture. But it also requires the delegation of authority. Where clarity, delegation and authority are not matched, there is a recipe for conflict.

Dividing the team or teams
When leaders vilify or put down one member of the team over against another they automatically set the stage for conflict on the team. When a leader plays one group against another (for instance staff against the board or their team against a senior team) conflict is set up by the leader. (See the two posts on Leadership Default). Leaders who do this, and many do, set their organization up for conflict.

More concerned with their image than missional effectiveness
Leader who care more about being popular than missional will often create conflict because they are not able to be defining with their team (those they lead) because they are more interested in being liked by their team and therefore play to the team's desires rather than to the mission of the organization. Or, leaders may think it is about them, more than it is about the mission and take credit for success that ought to go to the team. Wise leaders understand that it is not about them but about the mission of the organization.

Telling the team what to do rather than engaging their team in the process
Some leaders, under the guise of 'leadership,' prefer to make pronouncements to their team about what they need to do rather than engage the team in meaningful process and dialogue to get to a mutually agreed upon strategy. While team member may 'agree' verbally, they do not necessarily agree 'with the heart' and feel bullied into a position that is not one they buy into. Again, this is a tactic that may work for a while but in the long run produces unhealthy relationships and lack of trust.

Good leaders can prevent most conflict by being clear on the big rocks of the organization, appropriately empowering their leaders or team, never creating division within the team or between teams, making the mission the focus, not themselves, and engaging their team in dialogue and process toward a mutually satisfying solution.

Who did you thank or express appreciation to today?

"Thank you." "I appreciate that." "You did a marvelous job on that." These and other words like it are powerful and encouraging  and say that we notice, that we are thankful for the contribution of others and that we care about them. It is stopping long enough to think about others rather than simply ourselves.

Those who thank God often and others around them live with a whole different outlook on life than those who do not. It is the attitude Jesus commends, after all, how can we not live in thanksgiving with all He has done for us. The more we live with appreciation and thanksgiving the more we see life through a positive lens. 

The more we thank others the more we recognize the value of those around us. It changes our attitude toward them and allows us to develop an attitude of graciousness toward others. In a bottom line world it makes a great difference in our lives and in the lives of others.

What are you thankful for today that you need to express to your Father. Who do you need to express your appreciation to today. Everyone needs the encouragement and we need the outlook on life that it brings to us.

Ten self management principles that will impact your leadership

Healthy leaders have learned the art of self-management knowing that who they are, how they act and react, and the model they set directly impacts those who work under their leadership. Let me suggest that there are eleven critical self management principles that all leaders should pay attention to.

Our Attitudes
Leaders do not have the luxury of being careless with their attitudes - toward people, situations, or life. One of the jobs of a leader is to inspire others toward healthy action, encourage the staff and be able to maintain a positive outlook on life, even when life is not cooperating. Their attitudes impact everyone around them.

Our Emotions
All of us have emotions. Leaders learn to manage their emotions so that their emotions do not cause them trouble. Think of how angry eruptions and words spoken in the heat of emotion cause harm to people. Leaders who cannot control their emotions cause uncertainty for the staff they lead. It has been the downfall of many otherwise bright leaders.

Our Empathy
Without empathy, leaders are not seen as caring individuals but as cold and lacking concern. Some people have a lot of natural empathy. When that is not the case, leaders must cultivate the practice of empathy. Empathy is a key in healthy relationships and relationships are a key to leadership.

Our Self Awareness
Self awareness is the ability to discern how we are perceived by others and how our actions, attitudes and words impact others. Lack of self-awareness causes great misunderstanding and assumptions by others that we don't care. When a leader is not naturally self aware they need coaching and feedback from others if they are going to lead successfully.

Our Focus
Focused leaders developed focused staff while the opposite is also true. Good leaders choose to hold themselves to a high standard of discipline in their work including eliminating those things they should not do and focusing on the most strategic.

Our Empowerment
It is easy to control. It is harder to properly empower but that is the key to a healthy team and healthy leaders are rigorous in empowering others within boundaries to accomplish their work.

Our Boundaries
Boundaries are the things we do not allow in our behavior and in the behavior of others because it is hurtful to the culture we want to create. In effect, leaders set the boundaries for what is out of bounds within the organization or team.

Our Example
We lead most powerfully be example. When our stated commitments and example are not in alignment the result is cynicism. When they are in alignment, staff know that we are serious. Examples speak louder than words.


Our Humility
Everyone thinks they are humble but that is the insidious nature of pride. Humility comes when we know our strengths, are acutely and equally aware of our shadow side and our need for others. Humility is cultivated through time with God and a great deal of introspection.

Our Service
Few things speak louder than our commitment to serve those we lead and help them be all they can be. For leaders, life is not about us but about others and the mission that binds us together. The more we serve, the better leaders we become.

Each of these ten areas of a leaders life must be practiced with intentionality for successful, healthy leadership.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

You get what you create and allow in your organization

Organizations have cultures. In large part they are what the senior leader intentionally creates as the culture of the organization. It is also deeply impacted by what a leader allows within the team or organization. "You get what you create and allow" in your organization (thanks to Henry Cloud for this quote).

For instance consider what happens when leaders allow the following:

• Negative attitudes that corrode enthusiasm and optimism.
• People that do not keep their commitments and are not challenged.
• Conflict that goes unresolved.
• Complaining, gossip and poor attitudes.
• Lack of cooperation and collegiality

What leaders allow they get! There are things that leaders should not allow or put up with if they want to create a healthy culture. But unless a leader draws clear boundaries on what they allow in their organization or team (or church) they will get behaviors that hurt the rest of the team.

On the positive side, leaders create a kind of culture through the expectations they create. In our organization that includes things like:

• When something goes wrong we do autopsy without blame.
• We practice an non defensive attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to  lose.
• We always encourage robust dialogue where any issue can be discussed as long as there are no hidden agendas or personal attacks.
• We lead through team.
• We have a no elephants policy. Once named they are no longer elephants, simply issues to be discussed and resolved.

What you allow (or don't) and what you create (or don't) becomes the culture of your organization. Something to think about.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Six questions that can help you vet ministry ideas and choices. When to say no

What does your ministry - church, mission, para-church or other - say yes to and what do they say no to? Ideas, opportunities and options are easy to come by. What is more difficult is knowing if one should spend energy, time and resources on a particular idea, proposal or opportunity. And if your gut says "no" how do you communicate that to those who made the suggestion?

No ministry can do everything. The most effective ministries have a clear focus on what God has called them to do and are wise in the decisions they make regarding ministry opportunities.

Remember:

• Not all ministry opportunities are equally important.
• Some opportunities will dilute your current effectiveness.
• Everything you do takes time, resources and energy.
• Maximizing your influence means that you have a grid by which to say yes and no.

I have served in both church and mission settings. In both, there are more requests, opportunities and ideas than one can accommodate and stay focused and effective. It is not a question of whether someone is called to fulfill a certain ministry. The question is whether you are called to fulfill it and if this is the right time to do so.

There are a number of questions one should ask about potential ministry opportunities that can help determine whether one should move forward.

One: Does it fit our mission? Your mission is your true north so if a good idea does not fit your mission it will become a distraction. A good idea that does not contribute to your mission is a bad idea - for you.

Two: Is it truly strategic? Not all opportunities are equal. Some will give you significant ministry leverage and others will not. Maximizing our ministry opportunities is simply wise stewardship.

Three: Do you have the resources, time and energy to meet the opportunity without diluting other important things you are doing? You have limited resources so you need to understand the impact of saying yest to other ministries you are engaged in.

Four: Is there qualified, passionate and available leadership to make it happen well? Many ministries fail at this point. There may be a need but without the passionate leadership of a qualified individual it cannot flourish.

Five: Is there a plan or just an idea? Without a well thought out plan your opportunity is likely to fail. Ideas are not plans. Plans are necessary to flesh out a ministry opportunity and in that exercise you learn a lot about its viability.

Six: Do you have an evaluation process to determine whether what you started should be continued. The lack of evaluation is a key reason that ministries build up a stack of general ministries which yield general results.

It is a good thing to say NO if these six questions cannot be answered adequately. Saying yes to a few strategic options is far more effective to saying yes to all options. And that means that we also need to say no.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Expanding our influence and span of ministry

Most of us desire to expand our spiritual influence and our span of ministry. In order to do this there is one skill that we must learn and practice and that is to authentically give ministry away to other qualified people.

Take the local church. Many ministries that I observe do not do this well. Typically there is an invisible string that goes from the senior pastor to each ministry in the church. The result is that the church can only grow to the extent of the number of strings and relationships the senior pastor can juggle. He becomes the bottleneck because one way or another he has the final say.

Another outcome of this management style is that those who run the various ministries are not truly empowered within appropriate boundaries to lead themselves. They are always looking over their shoulder to see what the senior pastor wants or will say.

I have a core conviction that in order to expand our influence and span of ministry we must do three things. One: develop good people. Two: Empower good people. Three: Release good people. I call it Develop, Empower and Release. The more we do this, the more influence we will have in the kingdom.

On the other hand, the more I need to control or pull strings, or look over the shoulder of good people, the less true influence I will have since I am limiting them from fully taking responsibility and meeting their potential.

This is about giving ministry away, which is the job of those called into full time ministry according to Paul in Ephesians 4:12. Now we need to give ministry away to the right people. But once we find them, once we develop them, we must empower them and release them. They then take full responsibility for their ministry within agreed upon boundaries and not needing our permission are given the freedom to soar.

The more we do this the more spiritual influence we have. We gain spiritual influence by giving it away. We lose spiritual influence by not giving it away.

I am convinced that this is the key in missions today. Missionaries are there to raise up indigenous leaders as quickly as possible and then empower and release them to do what they can do better than we in their culture. As we multiply ourselves by giving ministry away we expand our influence and span of ministry. To the extent that we do not, we limit our influence and span of ministry.

My observation is that missions are notorious slow in giving ministry away, in truly empowering and releasing. We talk the talk but we do not walk the walk. Instead we create dependencies which may make us feel good (we are needed) But which does not expand our spiritual influence and release others to be all that they can be.

Here is the irony. When we hang on we lose influence but when we give it away we gain influence. Think about your ministry. How much are you genuinely giving away? How much are you hanging on to? Why would you hang on? How much are you trying to control and how much are you giving up control by empowering other good people?

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Dealing with attitudes of cynicism on your staff

There is an attitude on the part of staff toward their leadership (whether it be their church board or ministry leaders) which is a killer in terms of morale, trust, and team effectiveness: cynicism.

It is popular to be cynical about leaders. But it is not healthy and good leaders address this attitude whenever it shows up among their senior team - or others. Cynicism is a choice people make and it is deadly because it leads directly to mistrust of leadership among those with whom they have influence. If I am cynical about my leader, those with whom I have influence pick up on that and will often mirror my attitude.

Cynicism shows up in derogatory comments, in mistrusting motives of leadership, in refusing to accept answers given and instead assuming less than honorable intentions rather than assuming the best and in an arrogant attitude that ones leaders ought to do as we think they ought to do.

There is no way around it: Cynicism is deadly to a team and an organization.

Cynical people often hide behind the excuse, "I don't have a voice." Sometimes that is true - and the truth is that if I cannot serve my organization with a happy heart and a clear conscience I am in the wrong organization. But it is not an excuse for me to undermine my leadership with cynicism. If I am in an organization that breeds cynicism, I probably need to find another place to serve.

More often, however, this is a smokescreen for the real issue: "I don't like choices or decisions my leaders make." Having a voice means that I have the ability to share my thoughts honestly and openly (but without personal agendas or hidden motives). Once I have shared those opinions, I must allow leadership to make whatever decisions they choose to make and refuse to undermine them in words, attitudes or insinuation. That is integrity and it is the opposite of cynicism.

How does a leader deal with cynical team members? First, never put a cynical person in a key position. No matter how good they are they will hurt you more than help you. Cynicism is poison to your team or organization.

Second, when it happens, confront it directly and make it clear that cynicism and mistrust are not going to be tolerated in your team and that if it continues, you will take corrective action. Follow up those conversations with a written document that clarifies what you have said.

Third, if it becomes pervasive, speak to the whole staff and be defining about what attitudes are acceptable and what attitudes are not. Cynical people operate behind the scenes spreading their brand of poison one person at a time. Calling it out publicly puts them on notice that you are not unaware of their behavior and that you will not tolerate behavior that is detrimental to the health of your team or organization.

Fourth, if it is continues, remove the source by removing the individual who is guilty of hurting the team. That will send the strongest message of all that this behavior is unacceptable.

The effectiveness of our ministries depends directly on the health of our teams. Cynicism is a direct threat to the health of the ministry because it breeds mistrust. 

I for one, will not tolerate mistrust or cynicism among key leaders in the organization I lead. It is poison, dangerous and will destroy the health of the team. Healthy leaders take responsibility for the organizational culture they create and they do not tolerate cynicism.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Trust and mistrust in ministry organizations

In his best seller, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni says that mistrust is at the root of much team dysfunction. I am continually amazed by the cultures of mistrust that pervade ministry organizations. This mistrust hurts the organization, hurts productivity (people who don't trust one another don't work well together), contributes to silos (lack of synergy with others so we keep to ourselves) and ultimately detracts from our return on mission.

The truth is that trust ought to be the most prevalent in Christian organizations where the culture of Christ should be more pervasive than the culture of our world. The culture of our world is one of mistrust while the culture of Christ is one of trust. This is an elephant that must be confronted if a ministry or team is going to be healthy.

Practices that contribute to a culture of mistrust

Approaching others from the outset with an attitude of mistrust.

This is an attitude that says "I will not trust you until you prove to me that i can" (the reverse of how a healthy individual thinks). An unfortunate and often pervasive attitude in the church and Christian organizations is a built-in mistrust of anyone who is in leadership. Rather than making the role of leaders a joy (Hebrews 13:17), it becomes a burden because leaders are constantly fighitng against this damaging culture of mistrust.

Assuming poor motives

This attitude believes that "everyone is going to let us down or make decisions that we would not make." Unfortunately, many of us quickly default to a position of mistrust - assuming that the motives that lie behind the action or decision were bad. Invariably, when I have made that assumption about others I have found that when I clarified the situation there were no bad motives involved. There may have been poor judgment, or there may have been issues and circumstances I was not aware of , but the motives were not bad.

Believing something to be true when one does not have all the facts

Leaders often find out months or even years after making a decision that someone in the organization is deeply distrustful of them because they had assumed certain things when in fact those assumptions were not true.

Taking on someone else's offense

This happens when an individual takes on the offense of another person, usually without knowing all the facts. Healthy individuals understand that there is more than one side to a story and do not make assumptions without doing their due diligence.

Healthy individuals and teams practice three principles that directly contribute to a culture of trust.

One: I will choose to trust you unless you give me a reason not to.

Two: I will assume your motives are right even when I disagree with you.

Three: I will be proactive in clarifying issues rather than assuming something to be true.

Two great resources on the issue of trust:
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni
The Speed of Trust, The One Thing that Changes Everything, Stephen Covey

The amazing power of grace

Think about whom it is that you really love to be around because they accept you for who you are, unconditionally, they stick by you in tough times and are not judgmental. Friends like that are magnets because you don’t have to prove yourself to them and they just love you for who you are. Those who grew up in homes where performance was the deal and conditional love was the culture know what I am talking about. Unconditional love is like a cool oasis.

This is why Jesus was such a magnet for people who had screwed up their lives. The more we have to forgive, the more we appreciate grace. And Jesus extended grace to those who never expected it and from the perspective of the religious authorities did not deserve it.

There was something utterly disarming about Jesus with sinners. They did not sense condemnation like they received from the establishment but unconditional love. While they may have been repelled by society at large Jesus attracted them because of his grace and they knew all too well that they needed grace.

There is a trap we face when we come to Christ. We come on the basis of his unconditional love and unmerited grace. But in the process of growing we realize that there are areas of our lives that need to be cleaned up and we work on those. We often also pick up rules that Christians are supposed to live by. Never mind that they are not rules of God but are like the “rules” of the Pharisees in Jesus day, made up by them and imposed on others.

The trap is that we start to expect that others who don’t know Christ should clean up their lives as well – when in reality what they need is our unconditional love and acceptance as people who have not found and experienced truth. This is why so many churches are not places of grace and unconditional love to outsiders but judgmental and conditional in their acceptance, no matter how subtle it is. My experience is that most churches are not friendly places for sinners. Jesus was: many of his people are not.

People crave unconditional love like Jesus gave to those around him. Because of his grace and love he could call them to righteousness and repentance and people heard and listened. When people respond to the good news of the gospel the Holy Spirit starts to work in their lives and it is he who convicts them of sin and unrighteousness (not us) and plants in their hearts a desire to live like Jesus.

As a school nurse, my wife was called the “second mom” by a lot of troubled students. Those who came to school hungry knew that she had a stash of food for them in the closet. Those who were trapped in bad relationships they knew they could come and talk to her. Those who became pregnant they knew that she would love them. I remember one time when she brought a birthday cake to school for a troubled young lady and told her to get her friends together for a party. This sixteen year old had never had a birthday party in her life and was stunned. She didn't know who to invite.

Here is the fascinating thing. Mary Ann can be blunt and truthful with these kids about dangerous and destructive behaviors and they never mind because she has such unconditional love and grace for them that she is not perceived as judgmental but rather someone who is in their corner and looking out for them. So, even after repeatedly screwing up they can come back because in Mary Ann they find security, love, grace, forgiveness and truth.

Her example has helped me grow tremendously in this area although I am not close to her league. Because of her grace and unconditional love she is a magnet for hurting people who know they will find a friend who loves them and speaks truth at the same time.

This is the combination Jesus had. The Apostle John writes in John 1:17 that “the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” That is a powerful balance for any of us who want to ripple on others. Anyone who has that combination of grace and truth becomes a magnet for hurting and vulnerable people.