I meet many Christ followers who live with and communicate pessimism about life, current events and their own situations. I meet others who leave you encouraged, filled with hope and energized. Frankly I like to be around the second set a whole lot more than the first set. But it raises a question for me relative to our world view.
Think about the meaning of the gospel. It means good news. Think about the descriptions that Jesus uses regarding Him, that good news and our lives in the gospels. I take these words and phrases straight from the gospels: eternal life; life; he who comes to me will never be hungry or thirsty; living water; freedom; I am the way the truth and the life; you will bear much fruit; that your joy may be complete; peace I give to you; forgiveness; I am the bread of life; neither to I condemn you; I go to prepare a place for you.
If all that is true, how can we be purveyors of pessimism or live with it? Is it not a denial of all that God has done for us? It is like we are saying to God, "you didn't do enough," or "I don't appreciate what you have done for me." I wonder what God thinks when He hears His children, saved by His Son's blood, forgiven at great cost, given freedom and hope live with complaints and pessimism? Jesus and pessimism are frankly incompatible.
Our very salvation should move us from an attitude of pessimism to one of hope - no matter who we are or what our situation is. Changed hearts should lead to changed attitudes. From a life of complaint to a life of thanksgiving.
What is the antidote to pessimism? Scripture is very clear: thanksgiving to God for all of His gifts. How often does Paul tell us to give thanks for all of His blessings? Reading a Psalm every day is also helpful. They overflow with the blessings of God - even in the midst of the deepest valleys (Psalm 23) which is why we turn to them in times of trouble. Memorize the promises of God. What gets put in our heads comes back to inform our thinking and attitudes.
This is all about a world view. While most of the world has reason to be pessimistic no Christ follower does. We are sons and daughters of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords whose hand upholds the universe, who is our king, redeemer, lord, savior, rock, rescuer, help in times of trouble and all the other descriptions we find in Scripture. With all that I want to live with hope and be a purveyor of hope to all those around me. And you?
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Conditional love is toxic love
Many people I know grew up in homes characterized by conditional acceptance and love - based on their performance. Along with conditional love comes a shame based culture where all "failures" are met with overt or or subtle messages of dissaproval from parents.
Conditional love by parents is toxic love which causes all kinds of personal dysfunctions on into adulthood. It impacts one's view of themselves and one's view of God in deeply negative ways. Many struggles that last long into adulthood can be traced back to conditional love by parents.
Those who grew up with conditional love often believe they are never good enough: for themselves; for others and for God. This drives them to prove to all three that they are in fact good enough. How many men, for instance, are driven to prove to their fathers that they are worthy of their father's approval and love - sometimes long after their father has died! Driven people who have something to prove are often trying to prove something to parents who did not unconditionally love them. They also live with the daily private pain that they don't measure up. A legacy of a shame based rather than grace based upbringing.
That pain leads to lack of self acceptance, a drive to prove oneself, and living with a deep wound in the soul. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors and addictions that come from the pain of never being "good enough." On the one hand we feel we need to prove ourselves. On the other hand we know we are not good enough. That double bind can lead alternatively to having impossibly high standards for oneself and unhealthy behaviors since we don't respect ourselves. It is a painful and confusing place to live.
Even more serious is the impact on one's relationship with God. How many people are still trying to earn God's favor by their service, obedience and energy, even after they are Christ followers? Yet the whole premise of grace is that we cannot and need not earn His favor. His forgiveness and grace was bought on the cross in His death and resurrection. It is freely given to people who don't deserve it.
Not only that but there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. His love is free and unconditional to all who choose Him. Not once in Jesus' ministry did he shame or show dissaproval to those who came to Him in faith. Rather he freely forgave, never shamed but accepted them and called them to a life of followership and obedience.
Think about this: There are many churches that are performance based - rules, regulations, expectations about all kinds of issues that are just plain legalism. That conditional acceptance is toxic, antithetical to grace and creates wounded faith and graceless Christianity.
Those who grow up in homes where there is unconditional love find it much easier to understand the love of Jesus. After all, they did not need to live up to some standard for their parents to love them. Those who grew up with conditional love often see God as a God of conditional love who is performance rather than grace based. A sad legacy of conditional love in childhood.
If you are a parent, think carefully about the messages you are sending your children. If you grew up with toxic love, do what you need to do to get free so that you can accept yourself, live without the need to prove something to others or to God and to relax in the freedom of Grace.
Conditional love by parents is toxic love which causes all kinds of personal dysfunctions on into adulthood. It impacts one's view of themselves and one's view of God in deeply negative ways. Many struggles that last long into adulthood can be traced back to conditional love by parents.
Those who grew up with conditional love often believe they are never good enough: for themselves; for others and for God. This drives them to prove to all three that they are in fact good enough. How many men, for instance, are driven to prove to their fathers that they are worthy of their father's approval and love - sometimes long after their father has died! Driven people who have something to prove are often trying to prove something to parents who did not unconditionally love them. They also live with the daily private pain that they don't measure up. A legacy of a shame based rather than grace based upbringing.
That pain leads to lack of self acceptance, a drive to prove oneself, and living with a deep wound in the soul. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors and addictions that come from the pain of never being "good enough." On the one hand we feel we need to prove ourselves. On the other hand we know we are not good enough. That double bind can lead alternatively to having impossibly high standards for oneself and unhealthy behaviors since we don't respect ourselves. It is a painful and confusing place to live.
Even more serious is the impact on one's relationship with God. How many people are still trying to earn God's favor by their service, obedience and energy, even after they are Christ followers? Yet the whole premise of grace is that we cannot and need not earn His favor. His forgiveness and grace was bought on the cross in His death and resurrection. It is freely given to people who don't deserve it.
Not only that but there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. His love is free and unconditional to all who choose Him. Not once in Jesus' ministry did he shame or show dissaproval to those who came to Him in faith. Rather he freely forgave, never shamed but accepted them and called them to a life of followership and obedience.
Think about this: There are many churches that are performance based - rules, regulations, expectations about all kinds of issues that are just plain legalism. That conditional acceptance is toxic, antithetical to grace and creates wounded faith and graceless Christianity.
Those who grow up in homes where there is unconditional love find it much easier to understand the love of Jesus. After all, they did not need to live up to some standard for their parents to love them. Those who grew up with conditional love often see God as a God of conditional love who is performance rather than grace based. A sad legacy of conditional love in childhood.
If you are a parent, think carefully about the messages you are sending your children. If you grew up with toxic love, do what you need to do to get free so that you can accept yourself, live without the need to prove something to others or to God and to relax in the freedom of Grace.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Looking and praying for open ministry doors
Those of us who are engaged in ministry whether in the local church, missions or elsewhere are always looking for ways and opportunities to minister more effectively and reach more people with the Good News. We have our strategies and our plans - all good. But a huge part of that strategy out to be a specific prayer and an intentional practice.
The prayer is that God would open specific doors of opportunity. The practice is that we are always looking around us for the doors He is opening. We do not open doors to ministry opportunity. God does. Our job is to be praying that He would do so and aware when He does.
Paul recognized this in his ministry. In 1 Corinthians 16:9 he says that "a great door for effective work has opened to me." Later he writes "Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me (2 Corinthians 2:12)." In Colossians 4:3 he says, "pray for us, too that God may open a door for our message"
Paul recognized that it was God who opened ministry doors and he intentionally prayed that He would. And he constantly watched for the opportunities that God presented.
One of the common lessons in mission work is that the door we think will be open is often not while an unexpected door we never thought about is. Unless we are watching and praying we can often miss the real opportunities where God is opening a door.
All of this is a reminder that we join God in His work. It is not our work.
The prayer is that God would open specific doors of opportunity. The practice is that we are always looking around us for the doors He is opening. We do not open doors to ministry opportunity. God does. Our job is to be praying that He would do so and aware when He does.
Paul recognized this in his ministry. In 1 Corinthians 16:9 he says that "a great door for effective work has opened to me." Later he writes "Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me (2 Corinthians 2:12)." In Colossians 4:3 he says, "pray for us, too that God may open a door for our message"
Paul recognized that it was God who opened ministry doors and he intentionally prayed that He would. And he constantly watched for the opportunities that God presented.
One of the common lessons in mission work is that the door we think will be open is often not while an unexpected door we never thought about is. Unless we are watching and praying we can often miss the real opportunities where God is opening a door.
All of this is a reminder that we join God in His work. It is not our work.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Those who lead from the second chair
These are special people! Because they are not the senior leader, they don't get the public recognition that senior leaders get, yet their fingerprints are on everything the organization does and they are often more involved in the details and issues than the senior leader.
These are the executive pastors, and the group of leaders who work with Senior leaders.
It takes a special kind of individual to lead from the second chair. Humility because they won't get the limelight. Servant spirit because they serve both the senior leader and those they supervise. Flexibility because they don't always have the last word. Intuitive ability because they need to exegete the thinking and mind of the senior leader regularly. Courage because they often need to deal with tough situations. Collegial spirit because they work in tandem. High capacity because they must get involved with a wide variety of issues. Patience because they are often dealing with busy and sometimes distracted senior leaders.
Large organizations cannot exist in health without those who lead from the second chair. In fact, if a senior leader looks good - guess why that is? I often get recognition (as a senior leader) for things in ReachGlobal. The truth is that it is those who lead from the second chair who should get the bulk of the credit, not me. In our case this includes 13 individuals.
If you are a senior leader, never forget that it is not about you! And always remember the second chair leaders who make so much possible.
These are the executive pastors, and the group of leaders who work with Senior leaders.
It takes a special kind of individual to lead from the second chair. Humility because they won't get the limelight. Servant spirit because they serve both the senior leader and those they supervise. Flexibility because they don't always have the last word. Intuitive ability because they need to exegete the thinking and mind of the senior leader regularly. Courage because they often need to deal with tough situations. Collegial spirit because they work in tandem. High capacity because they must get involved with a wide variety of issues. Patience because they are often dealing with busy and sometimes distracted senior leaders.
Large organizations cannot exist in health without those who lead from the second chair. In fact, if a senior leader looks good - guess why that is? I often get recognition (as a senior leader) for things in ReachGlobal. The truth is that it is those who lead from the second chair who should get the bulk of the credit, not me. In our case this includes 13 individuals.
If you are a senior leader, never forget that it is not about you! And always remember the second chair leaders who make so much possible.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Issues that put a leaders job at high risk
Leaders live with a higher level of job risk than many others. Ironically, once they achieve a leadership role they often relax rather than pay the close attention they need to critical issues that contribute to the kind of healthy leadership that leads to longevity. I have watched leaders ignore these issues and be surprised when they lost their leadership role often in less than pleasant circumstances.
The risk increases with one's leadership tenure because the demands of a growing ministry become higher and the tendency to relax and lose focus also increase. If you lead, whether a team or division or organization, think about how you are doing in the following areas which are critical to leadership longevity.
Defining clarity. The first job of a leader is to provide maximum clarity to the organization or part of the organization they lead as to what they are about. The second job is to ensure that there is full alignment around that clarity and the third job is to ensure that there are results based on that clarity. When a leader fails to continue to provide significant clarity the organization or team starts to wander and staff become restless - a dangerous symptom for a leader.
Focusing on the missional agenda of the organization. While this may seem obvious it is easy over time to slip from leading to managing the status quo. Once we stop leading toward greater effectiveness we essentially plateau the organization or part of the organization we lead. The lack of forward progress and pro-active leadership becomes an irritant to other good staff who look to their leader to provide direction and lead boldly.
Leading a healthy team. Again, this may seem obvious but all too often, leaders start to neglect the health, unity and strength of their team. This may be because they are not working with their team to drive the missional agenda forward and the team starts to wonder what their real agenda is. It is also possible that leaders start to focus on their agenda rather than the team's agenda and the team starts to feel that they are not a priority to their leader anymore. When leaders start to lose the confidence of their team they are in a dangerous place.
Dealing with critical organizational issues. There are always issues that if ignored will hurt the organization or if pursued will help the organization. Many of them can be difficult: staff who don't belong anymore; structures that don't work well; paradigms that our outdated and need to change and other threats or opportunities.
Often, leaders tackle such issues early in their tenure but tend to move toward comfort later in their tenure - leaving critical issues untended to. This is why new leaders often need to clean up messes or issues ignored by their predecessor. When we stop being aggressive about critical organizational issues we have moved from leadership to management of the status quo. Good staff notice and become discouraged because they want to give their time and energy to something of significance.
Ensuring that the organization delivers on its mission. I am frankly amazed at how many leaders (and their boards) do not look realistically at what they are accomplishing relative to their stated mission. Because our bottom line is not financial like the business world it is easy to gloss over substandard results. Poor results are frankly the outcome of the previous issues not being properly addressed. Eventually this catches up to a leader as boards and/or staff start to ask hard questions.
Focus and vigilance are hallmarks of good leaders. Once we lose our edge it is hard to get it back. If we lose the confidence of our core team we can no longer lead well and we are in a risky place. Leaders can relax in who they are but they cannot relax in leading well and staying energized in that role. Like the proverbial frog in the kettle, it is easy to lose our edge and not even know it until we lose key staff, the confidence of our team or of our board and we find ourselves sidelined.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Nine overlooked but unhealthy character issues in leaders
Leaders often get a pass on character issues that are not blatantly sin but are problematic nevertheless. This is especially true of leaders who can produce results and it is not uncommon for results to trump character in our evaluation of leaders.
The problem is that these overlooked character issues do in fact matter. Allowing them to continue is dangerous for the leader as these traits generally grow rather than diminish if not checked. It is also dangerous for the organization and in fact puts the organization at risk both of a problematic culture and the possibility that their leader will get himself/herself into trouble because of these character issues.
Supervisors, colleagues and boards all should be aware of these problematic behaviors and find ways to press into them when they see them - for everyone's sake. No matter how good someone is, these behaviors are a loss for everyone!
Never being wrong. This may mean a lack of admission, blaming others when things go wrong, spiritualizing them away or not apologizing to those for whom wrong decisions had a negative impact. Not admitting errors or bad decisions is a sign either of an insecure or prideful leader. Often the two go together.
Spiritualizing everything. This behavior is problematic on two counts. First, people usually spiritualize when something goes wrong and they don't want to take personal responsibility. Second, it is the "God card." To push back on something that God is "responsible for" is pretty hard. Lot's of things are not spiritual. They are what they are and they are the results of decisions we have made.
Manipulative behavior. If you feel manipulated in a relationship it is probably present. This can take many forms but its design is to use you for their purposes. Manipulative behavior is really about using others for outcomes we want and is thus a violation of the free will of other people. It is wrong, violates other people and a sign of a personality disorder in the one who uses it.
Exaggeration. This is usually about ministry results or it may also be about ministry possibilities or plans. Exaggeration is dishonesty whether through overly optimistic thinking or wanting to paint a picture so good that it violates truth. It is salesmanship over the top rather than truthful and factual and it goes to the heart of what it means to speak truth and to avoid untruths.
Information withholding. This is actually a form of control and manipulation. As a leader, if I withhold information that could and should be known by others I have power that they don't have. It is very effective and very unhealthy. Some leaders will share information that makes them or their cause look good but carefully withhold information that would do the opposite. It is a dishonest, manipulative and self serving behavior.
Unwillingness to listen. This behavior conveys an arrogance that I have the answers, I know the direction, I don't need you and you have little to contribute to my thinking. Eventually this behavior and attitude will contribute to problems if not a train wreck. Those who will not listen carefully to others are displaying a dangerous autonomy.
Anger if crossed. This is both a sign of self importance and entitlement - how dare you disagree with me - and well as manipulative - this is what happens when you cross me. Autonomous people don't like to be challenged and autonomous people are dangerous in leadership. Anger shuts down alternative views and robust dialogue.
For or against mentality. This behavior rewards those who agree with and push the agenda of the leader and punishes those who disagree or speak candidly. Those who agree are insiders while those who disagree find themselves outsiders. Like, anger, this behavior shuts down alternate views and robust and healthy dialogue.
It is not uncommon for those with this behavior to reward their inner circle with gifts, compliments and praise while being critical and cool toward the outsiders. Again, this is manipulative behavior designed to allow the leader to get his/her way and accomplish their agenda. They have the skill of making insiders feel very good and outsiders very bad - even abandoned.
Self importance. All of this is about an inflated self importance and the assumption that "I am the one who can make this ministry flourish." Without me it will fail or be much less than it is with me. Self importance must elevate self and to do that it must also devalue others and their contribution. When it becomes about the leader, healthy team is impossible.
These behaviors are antithetical to the leadership style and teaching of Jesus. They are also destructive to team and devaluing of others. When we choose to overlook them we end up hurting the ministry we represent and the staff who are impacted.
The problem is that these overlooked character issues do in fact matter. Allowing them to continue is dangerous for the leader as these traits generally grow rather than diminish if not checked. It is also dangerous for the organization and in fact puts the organization at risk both of a problematic culture and the possibility that their leader will get himself/herself into trouble because of these character issues.
Supervisors, colleagues and boards all should be aware of these problematic behaviors and find ways to press into them when they see them - for everyone's sake. No matter how good someone is, these behaviors are a loss for everyone!
Never being wrong. This may mean a lack of admission, blaming others when things go wrong, spiritualizing them away or not apologizing to those for whom wrong decisions had a negative impact. Not admitting errors or bad decisions is a sign either of an insecure or prideful leader. Often the two go together.
Spiritualizing everything. This behavior is problematic on two counts. First, people usually spiritualize when something goes wrong and they don't want to take personal responsibility. Second, it is the "God card." To push back on something that God is "responsible for" is pretty hard. Lot's of things are not spiritual. They are what they are and they are the results of decisions we have made.
Manipulative behavior. If you feel manipulated in a relationship it is probably present. This can take many forms but its design is to use you for their purposes. Manipulative behavior is really about using others for outcomes we want and is thus a violation of the free will of other people. It is wrong, violates other people and a sign of a personality disorder in the one who uses it.
Exaggeration. This is usually about ministry results or it may also be about ministry possibilities or plans. Exaggeration is dishonesty whether through overly optimistic thinking or wanting to paint a picture so good that it violates truth. It is salesmanship over the top rather than truthful and factual and it goes to the heart of what it means to speak truth and to avoid untruths.
Information withholding. This is actually a form of control and manipulation. As a leader, if I withhold information that could and should be known by others I have power that they don't have. It is very effective and very unhealthy. Some leaders will share information that makes them or their cause look good but carefully withhold information that would do the opposite. It is a dishonest, manipulative and self serving behavior.
Unwillingness to listen. This behavior conveys an arrogance that I have the answers, I know the direction, I don't need you and you have little to contribute to my thinking. Eventually this behavior and attitude will contribute to problems if not a train wreck. Those who will not listen carefully to others are displaying a dangerous autonomy.
Anger if crossed. This is both a sign of self importance and entitlement - how dare you disagree with me - and well as manipulative - this is what happens when you cross me. Autonomous people don't like to be challenged and autonomous people are dangerous in leadership. Anger shuts down alternative views and robust dialogue.
For or against mentality. This behavior rewards those who agree with and push the agenda of the leader and punishes those who disagree or speak candidly. Those who agree are insiders while those who disagree find themselves outsiders. Like, anger, this behavior shuts down alternate views and robust and healthy dialogue.
It is not uncommon for those with this behavior to reward their inner circle with gifts, compliments and praise while being critical and cool toward the outsiders. Again, this is manipulative behavior designed to allow the leader to get his/her way and accomplish their agenda. They have the skill of making insiders feel very good and outsiders very bad - even abandoned.
Self importance. All of this is about an inflated self importance and the assumption that "I am the one who can make this ministry flourish." Without me it will fail or be much less than it is with me. Self importance must elevate self and to do that it must also devalue others and their contribution. When it becomes about the leader, healthy team is impossible.
These behaviors are antithetical to the leadership style and teaching of Jesus. They are also destructive to team and devaluing of others. When we choose to overlook them we end up hurting the ministry we represent and the staff who are impacted.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Grace Magnets
Want to be a magnet of grace like Jesus? Consider these attitudes!
- Yes I will forgive you
- I am so sorry for what you are walking through. How can I help?
- I accept you for who you are including your brokenness.
- I want the best for you.
- I will tell you the truth but always with grace - like Jesus.
- There is no sin that is not redeemable. Will you let me walk you toward Jesus and wholeness?
- You can tell me anything about yourself and I will still love you and accept you.
- You are important. There are no little people with God. Others may not feel you are important but I do.
- I will not judge you for choices you make even though they are not the choices I might make.
- I will not play the Holy Spirit in your life but will point you to Jesus and Scripture.
- If I need to confront you I will do it with humility and grace knowing how broken I am.
- I will be transparent with you about my own life and struggles.
- I will choose to love you even if you betray me.
- I want you to see Jesus in me.
- I will be there for you in times of difficulty and trouble.
- If you are one of the "least of these," I will treat you like one of the "greatest of these."
"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14)."
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