Signs of a toxic ministry leader

Yes, they do exist, and in too many places. Ministry is a place where almost anyone who has some skill can set themselves up for leadership in some manner. And in ministry, we often seem to give toxic leaders a pass because they preach well or because in the name of "grace" we are afraid to call them on what is candidly just bad behavior.

Here are some signs of toxicity in ministry leaders. Toxicity is about an ongoing pattern of behavior that is abusive, disempowering, and violates the Biblical standards of those who are called into Christian leadership (elders and deacons). 

• A pattern of treating people poorly, using them for their own purposes and marginalizing or demonizing those who disagree with them. Toxic leaders leave a trail of bodies in their wake - hurt and wounded.
• An inability to apologize or wrongs committed, an inability to admit poor behavior and an unwillingness to ask forgiveness or seek reconciliation. In conflict, it is always the other person who was in the wrong.
• A pattern of anger, abusive words or threats that create a culture of fear and intimidation where people are afraid to speak their minds and when they do are marginalized.
• A pattern of narcissistic behavior where the leader needs to be right, does not like when people challenge him, is defensive and demeans those who disagree with him. Arrogance rather than humility is the operative word and attitude.
• A pattern of skating ethical edges.
• A pattern of unaccountability. They insist that people are accountable to them but are essentially unaccountable themselves. Often this means living by different rules and standards than are demanded of others.
• A lack of grace in dealing with those around them, especially staff.
• A pattern where words (and messages) do not match the leaders behavior behind the scenes. 
• A pattern of dishonesty which is necessary for toxic leaders who either lie about what happened when confronted or skew the truth significantly (untruth) to make them appear to be in the right and the other in the wrong.
• When confronted, they portray themselves as the victim rather as one who needs to take responsibility. Even apologies, when given are skewed to paint themselves as the one aggrieved.
• There is a lack of personal and ministry transparency.

I was once in a meeting with a pastor who exhibited many of these behaviors. We were attempting a reconciliation with a staff member he had mistreated and then fired. When I suggested that his behaviors would not have been tolerated in the organization I lead he said, "I didn't do to him anything that he didn't do to me." As if that was justification. 

In another instance I spent two hours with a ministry leader whose behaviors fit these patterns and he spent the entire evening recounting how every issue his leaders had talked to him about were someone else's problem. Not once in two hours did he take any personal responsibility for any of his own behavior. It was all about him.

Grace does not give leaders a pass for behavior that is outside the biblical norms for what is expected of a Christian leader. In my experience in church consulting the harm that is done by toxic leaders is very great and leaves a terrific amount of pain and anguish in its wake. 

It is one thing for people to suffer pain from those who don't know Jesus but when the perpetrator is a Christian leader it is even more deeply painful and disillusioning.  I have interviewed many such individuals and it will be years before they are whole again. After all they suffered from one who represented himself as an undershepherd of Jesus. 

I don't care how good a preacher one is, how brilliant a strategist or how big an organization one can grow. If our behaviors are not consistent with our message and the One we serve, we should not be leading - or allow others who are toxic to lead. This is a significant blind spot in the church today.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The insider movement and Islamic ministry

There is a great deal of conversation in mission circles around the insider movement when doing evangelism with Muslims. The insider movement is not simply a phenomenon in ministry to Muslims but to Hindu's as well and is often defined by a scale of C1 to C6 depending on how "insider" it is. These practices have become divisive in the missions community as well as with churches who support those who are proponents of the practice.

ReachGlobal is not part of that movement and we don't even use the term. Rather we have a biblical and practical framework from which we approach ministry to Muslims (and and the principles would apply in ministry to Hindus and others. 

Biblical Framework

• You only come to God through Jesus.
• The Bible is the final and complete revelation.
• Jesus was both human and divine.
• The Godhead is of a Triune nature, Father, Son and Holy Spirit
• A Kingdom Community (church) is a fellowship of believers in Jesus Christ committed to gathering regularly for biblical purposes under a recognized spiritual leadership.
• Mohammed is not God's prophet and the Koran is not God's Scripture.

Practical Convictions

• Muslim ministry demands a flexibility to allow individuals to move toward Christ and followership.
• We need to trust the Holy Spirit in the process of helping new believers make decisions about how they respond to Islamic culture and religious practice.
• Our primary identity is that we are followers of Jesus.
• We encourage approaching people from their own context and framework of thinking to initiate conversation about the Gospel.
• Baptism will come about as a natural part of spiritual growth and followership of Christ.
• While we seek to approach people from their context, we never hide our followership of Christ or full commitment to the Gospel.
• We consider it inappropriate to pretend that we are something we are not, ie. followers of Islam, in order to share the Gospel.
• We encourage the use of Biblical translations that accurately reflect the intent of the original text.
• Our focus in on the centrality of the Gospel.

I realize that some who read this blog have differing convictions but we believe that the above reflects a Biblical framework for doing evangelism with Muslims.

Graciousness is a mark of a good leader

Many leaders run so hard and are so consumed by success that they run over people in the process. After all, it is results that matter! Not so. It is people that matter first, starting with those who serve as our staff and colleagues. If we disempower our staff and treat them poorly we have failed as healthy leaders. 

Leaders can mistreat staff in many ways: curt words, not having time to listen, lack of empathy, giving ultimatums, threats, intimidation, course language, dismissal of other viewpoints, demeaning language, marginalization, and I could go on. I have seen all of this and more in Christian organizations. I was once in a reconciliation meeting between a leader and one of their staff members who had been subject to much of the above. When I told the leader that this kind of behavior would not be acceptable in the organization I led, he said, "Well I didn't do anything to him that he didn't do to me." So much for leadership.

Good leaders are gracious. They treat people well and care about them. They truly see people as their most important asset. They are kind, gentle, caring and empathetic even as they provide clarity and leadership. They are not pushovers but nor do they practice pushing over. 

I am often surprised when organizations put up with leadership behavior that is substandard because the leader "delivers." In other words, they give the leader a "pass" on behaviors that are truly not acceptable because they deliver results. No leader is exempt from treating those around them well. Results as the expense of people are not acceptable results - in my view. And they don't reflect the character of Jesus. Graciousness is a mark of a good leader. 

Foolishness and wisdom

The book of Proverbs has much to say about the foolish and the wise, as do the other books of Wisdom. I define wisdom in this manner: 

Wisdom is the ability to look at life situations and relationships from God's viewpoint and to respond in prudent ways that are consistent with His character. Wisdom takes into account potential solutions and unintended consequences, often by thinking gray. It then charts a course of action that is most likely to be productive and to minimize unintended consequences.

By definition, foolishness is the flip side of wisdom so we are foolish when we don't act wisely. And there is indeed a great deal of foolishness even among God's people and yes among leaders. Much conflict in local churches, for instance, is the result of foolish behavior that does not reflect God's viewpoint, character or prudent words or actions.

Responding to life situations in wisdom often requires time, prayer, thought and counsel. The foolish respond quickly and usually without the above. The wise individual restrains his emotions, anger and words in a tough situation while the fool does not. The wise take advice from those who will be honest while the foolish listen to those who will tell them what they want to hear. The results for both are predictable. Foolishness can be incredibly destructive.

All of us have joined the ranks of the foolish from time to time. None of us wants to live there. As you walk through your day today, think wisdom.

Reminder. My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Five presuppositions that help us deal with disillusionment with God

We may not admit the truth even to ourselves, but disillusionment

with God is not uncommon among ministry leaders. And when it comes, it is often accompanied by an underlying anger that spills over in unexpected ways, onto unsuspecting people. Our personal issues with God become toxic as we struggle with the disconnect between our theology and painful personal experience. From this dissonance flows a poisonous mix of anger and bitterness. After all, there is no anger more personal than anger at God—anger that He allows or even causes circumstances that we believe He should not.

This is a dangerous moment for leaders because the relentless undercurrent of anger hurts those we lead, and our followers end up walking on eggshells around us. Where can we go for restoration in those situations? We go back to five basic truths and principles that must drive our spiritual leadership and must be the presuppositions from which we think, live, and minister. These core truths are what help us move toward God rather than away from Him when suffering comes our way.

One: God is good all the time, even though we live in a fallen world. We can always count on His goodness; we must trust in it, for if God is not good, nothing proclaimed in Scripture about Him can be trusted (see Romans 8:28-39; Psalm 23).

Two: God’s goodness does not preclude us from suffering. Indeed, we share in the fellowship of His sufferings (see Philippians 3:10), and our scars become trophies if we trust Him in the midst of our pain. 

Three: God’s ways are indeed inscrutable to human eyes—majestic,

eternal, sovereign, and divinely good in ways that we cannot understand this side of eternity (see Romans 9; Job 38-42).

Four: God has an eternal purpose in all things that transcends our limited understanding. That purpose is good and will be fulfilled as the glory of God becomes known across our globe. Often failure and pain are the antecedents to amazing glory and eternal success (see Isaiah 40).

Five: We play a humble part in God’s eternal purposes and cannot take personal responsibility for the completion of His plan. When we carry a burden of responsibility that He was meant to carry, we become weary, disillusioned, and often angry. We must leave His purposes and His burdens in His hands and watch Him unfold His inscrutable plan through us (see Ephesians 2:10).

Ed Stetzer interview with ebola survivor's family

Ebola and the Glory of God: An Interview with Nancy Writebol's Family (including Nancy's Comments)

Nancy Writebol has been released from the hospital. I interviewed her family about how they've dealt with the situation. |

Ed Stetzer

Why mission agencies do not pay ransom for staff who are kidnapped

The news that ISIS had demanded ransom for James Foley has raised the issue in the media about whether such payments should be made. Many countries quietly do just that. It is also an issue in the mission community since many staff work in places that put them at risk for kidnapping for ransom.

Most mission agencies at least in the United States have a policy that they will not pay ransom for kidnapped staff. It is based on the premise that however we handle the situation, we cannot put other missionaries at risk by our actions. Paying ransom simply encourages terrorist groups to repeat their actions since it pays off. This is why Somalia terrorists keep hijacking ships in the Indian Ocean. They have learned from experience that the companies will settle and it becomes a money making enterprise.

Mission agencies do have resources at their disposal for the negotiation or rescue of kidnapped staff. These are highly trained professionals who come out of the security world. If handled well, there is a very high probability of a positive outcome for kidnapped staff. Of course, groups like ISIS may change that equation as their ruthlessness is second to none. Good agencies have well thought out plans for crisis situations and update those plans regularly as threats emerge.

In today's world it is critical that we pray for the safety of our missionaries and national partners. It is an increasingly unsafe world where the tentacles of evil can reach almost anywhere. That is not to say we should live in fear but it is to say that we should pray for God's protection. 

If womens voices were heard in the church, it would be far healthier

Most churches have all male leadership - which I understand as most (but not all) evangelicals in the US are of the complimentarian rather than the egalitarian perspective. I do not intend to enter that debate here but to suggest that it often leaves out a significant voice in the average congregation. Men and women often process situations and issues differently. Thus, when the voice of women (50+ percent of a local church's constituency) is not heard, there is often a serious deficit in wisdom, decision making and perspective.

Not long ago I consulted with a congregation that had experienced major problems. In interviewing many people I found that the women in ministry positions (paid and volunteer) had a far better grasp of the issues in the church than the elders did. Yet they had never been asked for their perspective or wisdom. Ironically, there was more hands on ministry taking place among the women than the men, yet there voice was not valued or heard by the majority of the male leadership. 

Thankfully, that has changed and there is now a leadership community that includes both men and women - even though the church is complimentarian in its theology. They have found a forum to include both the voices of men and women without violating their theology. It indicates wisdom because no church will be healthy without the voice of both men and women being heard in appropriate settings.

It saddens me when women are marginalized in the church. In most churches they are the group that prays the most, serves the most and in many ways cares the most. Yet their voice is often not heard. Wisdom would be to ask the women ministry leaders in every congregation if they feel heard, valued and included. And, to ask them what issues they see that should be heard and considered by the leadership. You might be surprised by the wisdom you hear!

I suspect that Jesus listened far more carefully to the women who followed him and gave them far more respect than many male church leaders do. It gives one pause.

Reminder. My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

I feel like a failure as a leader

In my role as an organizational leader or consultant with other organizations it is not unusual to tell leaders that they are not in their ideal lane or playing to their skill set. This may be a pastor who cannot and does not manage staff, organizational leaders that are ineffective in determining how to accomplish their vision or leaders who have no idea how the shadow side of their strengths disempowers others. Often, the conversation about "lanes" and sweet spots is a result of being asked to help solve issues within the organization that are a result of a leader being out of their lane.

Here is the common but totally wrong response: "I have failed as a leader." Why wrong? Because all of us will generally be substandard at those things God did not wire us to do. We were wired on purpose by God to do the "good works" he designed specifically for us and gifted for that purpose (Ephesians 2:10). Of course we will be successful if we apply ourselves at those things He designed us for and conversely we will be poor at those things He did not design us for.

When we are not in our lane, and don't do well, the solution is not to work harder, longer or try to learn a new set of wiring. Rather it is to acknowledge how God created and designed us and get into a role that is inside the lane He designed us to play. When we work in the wrong lane we frustrate ourselves and those around us. When we run in the lane He designed us for we flourish and do well. 

Getting in our lane requires us to understand first what we are not good at and accept it. Some years ago I interviewed many members of an organizations staff and then shared with the leader what he was really good at and what he was really bad at. One of his first concerns was that his staff not know the weaknesses he had! The humor in it was that I knew about those weaknesses because his staff shared them with me. Yet he was not comfortable admitting that he had weaknesses. This is not only insecurity but bad theology because God gave us a gift or gifts but not more than a few. My staff will readily tell me what I don't do well and they work hard to keep me out of those lanes so their lives are easier!

It also means that we focus on those things we are good at and allow others to do what we are not good at. Usually, when leaders get into things that they are not gifted for they create chaos and disempowerment by doing so. Staff want to say, "Don't do that! You just put your nose into things that I can do very well and which you don't. Stay in your lane!" If you are a secure leader, simply ask your staff for examples where you operate out of your lane of giftedness and create problems for them. Pastors are often guilty of disempowering staff by getting into things that others are tasked with and which others also do much better than they.

If you are out of your lane, don't feel like you have failed as a leader. Rather, work to get into a place where you are playing to your strengths and don't assume you should be great at everything. You are not. No one is. Often our failure is simply in not understanding or accepting the lane God made us for. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Thoughts on Fergusun

A moving blog from the Gospel Coalition

A surprising map of the world's most and least religiously diverse countries

See this very helpful article on religious diversity across our globe. You may well be surprised.

A surprising map of the world's most and least religiously diverse countries

It was not a surprise to God

I have a dear friend who I had the joy of leading to Christ many years ago. This week I received news that he has been diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer - although treatable. He had gone in for surgery on a disc and in the course of the surgery they discovered a tumor from the unknown cancer. Upon awakening the doctor had to tell him that the rather routine surgery had discovered something really serious. My friend's reply to this surprise was "Well, God was not surprised!"

That response is one that applies to all of the surprises in life and leadership. We may be surprised but God is never surprised. That truth can give us confidence to trust Him for the very things that cause us anxiety and concern. Nothing surprises God and therefore we can be assured that He can help us work through our issues as a sovereign and faithful God.

Think of the largest issues you have faced - or face right now. The news may seem overwhelming as for my friend. Then remember: God was not surprised. In fact, nothing happens in our lives, good or bad, which does not first pass by the hands of God and which He does not use to build our faith. He knows, He cares and He superintends the outcome for His purposes. That ought to give us a quiet settled confidence not matter the situation. 

A life posture of humility

Scripture has a great deal to say about humility as this trait is deeply valued by God as opposed to a posture of pride. Psalm 131:1 says it well: my heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty. I do not concern myself with great matters, or things too wonderful for me."

Humility is a posture toward God and life. It includes the concept that there are many things we don't know and many things that we cannot know in relation to God who knows all things. Above all it is a posture of trust in God rather than in ourselves.

Psalm 131:2 says, "I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." Humility is dependence on God, just as a young child is dependent on its mother and trusts his/her mother for one's daily needs. 

We often think that the best and brightest are those who know all the answers, are self sufficient, self made and have it all together. God says  not! The best and the brightest understand that a posture of humility rather than pride is what God looks for. And that is based on a posture of dependence on God rather than independence from Him.

Our hope is not in ourselves. Our wisdom comes from above. Our provision is a gift of God. As the Psalmist concludes, "put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore. It is a life posture of humility.

Change is often necessary but the process we use will either create greater unity or dissention

Bringing change is a tricky business. Often the need for change, whether in a church or organization is profound. The world never stops changing and therefore while our eternal truths remain the same, change is inevitable. However, many change processes are deeply flawed and lead to the ministry taking steps back - and conflict rather than the intended result of leading it forward in unity.

I watch this often in churches where a pastor, often new decides that new ways of doing ministry are needed. What they often forget is that those who have been there a long while are used to what is. It is comfortable for them and most people simply don't like change. Here are some of the mistakes I watch in churches and organizations make leaders bring change.

1. They move too quickly. Just because the leader is ready to bring change does not mean their people are. Fast change is usually going to bring conflict, misunderstanding and even deep division within the organization. I have watched congregations literally lose half of their people when quick changes were made.

2. They don't talk and dialogue with their people at length before the change. People have strong opinions and feelings. If one can present a case for change that makes sense, most people will go with you but only if they have been part of the process and understand the end goal. The less dialogue up front, the more resistance there will be. Because that resistance is often an emotional response, it can cause emotional responses that are strong.

3. They don't take into account the various constituencies of the group. Sometimes it is wise to move in new directions without disenfranchising those who are vested in a different paradigm. Examples in the church might be worship styles or a desire to start small groups. Simply chopping out the old and putting in the new when it disenfranchises a significant segment of people is not wise. This is where patience and process is needed to get where you need to go without creating conflict and irritation.

4. They don't admit when significant resistance comes that the execution might be flawed. Sometimes one needs to take a step back before one can make a step forward. If people are balking it probably means that the change has been too fast, that process was not run and that some "compromises" need to be made. One can only move as fast as the organization is willing to follow. Significant resistance is a sign that you may need to evaluate the plan. I am not talking a few loud voices but significant groups.

5. They see resistors as "evil" or "bad" rather than understanding that often this is not the case. This further divides the group into those who support and those who oppose which then fractures relationships. When we categorize people we lose relationship and relationships are keys to major change. This is further complicated when leaders start to discount the opinions of those who resist.

Change is always an art. It is the art of helping people see where we could go and that in order to get there change is needed. But, the five mistakes above can be deadly if they are not taken into account. It is the job of leaders who bring change to ensure that it is done in a timely, wise, relational and healthy way so that the end product is both greater effectiveness and greater unity.

Transitioning: How to transition well when it is time for a leader to leave their position

This is a podcast from Leary Gates and guest Roger Thompson on what it means to transition well. Going out at the top of your game!

Podcast on transitioning

Endless emails and church/staff conflict

It is not unusual when working with a troubled church to read endless emails regarding whatever it is that has created conflict. Even more interesting to me is when there is dysfunction on a church staff and staff members who work in close proximity to one another are exchanging lengthy emails rather than walking down the hall (or to an office next door) to have a conversation. 

Email dialogues are rarely helpful for resolving conflict. In fact, I would posit that they actually raise the level of conflict because it is easier to state things in non-negotiable language in an email than it is in person or on the phone. Thus the dialogue often becomes even more strident in email conversations (confrontations). In addition, emails are often written in the heat of the moment lacking the gift of reflection. Even worse, emails can be copied to many others which now widens the potential conflict rather than keeping it between two parties. Word to the wise: never put in an email anything you don't want the world to hear because they may.

Emails do not allow one to sit down face to face and seek clarification, look one in the eye and listen carefully, empathize or challenge points of view in a personal way. I will often receive emails asking for an answer or seeking my perspective and I will reply, "It sounds like this is a conversation, not an email." Then I will schedule a phone call.

People with good emotional intelligence are not afraid of conversations. Often email exchanges are a substitute for a conversation out of fear or an unwillingness to dialogue with someone that we know disagrees with us. Ironically, personal conversations tend to diminish rather than increase the level of conflict. Especially if the two parties are at least willing to listen to each other and seek understanding. Email missives are a cowards way out of a personal conversation where we are more accountable for our words, body language and attitudes.

When there is conflict, walk down the hall, pick up the phone or make a Skype call rather than write down words you cannot retract and which may polarize rather than heal. In fact, this is my practice whenever I hear that there are people who have issues with me. Rather than wonder or make assumptions I pick up the phone and seek to resolve whatever it is that has caused a disruption in the relationship. 

In conflict, have a conversation rather than sending an email.

We are entering a new Dark Age with ISIS: The face of evil. Warning on graphic images

This is the face of ISIS, perhaps the greatest threat to humanity on our globe today because of the utter inhumanity toward anyone who does not fit their brand of Islam. The genocide and killing reminds me of the second world war whether from Stalin or Hitler except this time there are no world powers seriously seeking to check their progress. 

To ignore the actions ISIS when we know what they are doing is akin to those who ignored the actions of the Nazis in their extermination of the Jews. Some knew and chose not to act. Today those directly threatened are Christians, other minorities and anyone who does not adhere to the barbaric form of Islam represented by these evil individuals. If we think they are not a threat they have managed to take over towns and cities from near Aleppo in Syria to the outskirts of Baghdad in Iraq. They have their sights set on Lebanon and Israel and the United States. 

ISIS forces are barbaric. Killing is their specialty. If the evil one came to "kill, steal or destroy, (John 10:10), these are the evil one's children. ISIS is saying to Christians and others, convert or be killed! Kurdish officials are warning of genocide.

This is no longer an Iraqi problem. It is a humanitarian disaster, it is genocide before the eyes of the world and it is a movement that will threaten the entire globe with no regard for human life if not stopped. It is the very face of evil. How can the world watch and not act in the face of this kind of evil - or will we simply watch as the world did in Rwanda until the killing was over and the blood defiled all those who knew but did not act?

See these articles for more information or google ISIS and your heart will be broken. Please be aware of graphic images. You are looking into the face of evil personified!

The Daily Caller (CNN Videos)

National Review

Mail Online

CNN World

The Long War Journal

CNN

Reminder. My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

A nasty job done well

There are times when leaders, whether boards or senior leaders must tackle what can be fairly be called a nasty job. It may involve dealing with moral failures, financial downturns and the resultant decisions that must be made or moving someone out of an organization. Or perhaps dealing with a recalcitrant board member or individual who is hurting the organization. It is a nasty job because it is delicate, will not be received well, could have significant repercussions and on the surface it looks like there are no great outcomes and significant risks - but it must be done.

No one signs onto leadership for the nasty jobs but they are part of the equation from time to time. It is easy to become discouraged when faced with a messy situation. And not without reason as many messy situations are handled in a messy matter further complicating the picture. But that is not a necessary outcome. It is possible to handle nasty jobs well and in the meantime honor people and protect the organization. Here are some thoughts in dealing with messy or complicated situations.

1. Never act in haste unless you must. Take the time to ensure that you understand the situation as well as you can. Hasty action is usually a result of our own anxiety and will often have unintended consequences.
2. Never act alone. The more messy the situation the more important it is to have multiple counselors. You may also want to find a trusted outside counselor who you trust as they do not have a stake in the situation or outcome.
3. Work a process. To the extent that you can, engage in dialogue with the individual who you need to deal with (if it is an individual). When we are anxious we tend to make assumptions, send letters and emails. Try to stay in dialogue and be clear with the individual what you need, don't say things that don't need to be said and keep the circle of those involved as small as possible. You can make the right decision but fail in running a good process. It takes time to get to where you need to go so be patient in the process.
4. Make prayer central. It is amazing how sensitivity to the Holy Spirit's counsel can help navigate tough issues. There is power in a groups wisdom when each member of the group is also listening to the Holy Spirit along the way. You may be surprised at the insights He brings to the process.
5. To the extent that you can, and depending on the circumstances, treat individuals involved with utmost respect and fairness. In messy situations it is easy to get angry and express that anger but in dealing with it this is rarely helpful. 

I have been a party to helping many churches and organizations deal with messy and sometimes nasty jobs. it is a great gift when the end result is one of success because it was handled well. That is always the goal when faced with a nasty job: Can we handle it well!

How to spot a manipulative church leader

Unfortunately there are unhealthy, manipulative and narcissistic church leaders. This article by Donald Miller is worth reading.

How to spot a manipulative church leader 

Nobody has talked to us about Jesus before!

Friends of mine recently had dinner with the wife's employers (another husband and wife). They asked the husband what he did for a living and he told them that he worked for an agency that planted churches around the world and introduced people to Jesus. At the end of the evening the couple said to my friends, "No one has ever talked to us about Jesus before."

Yes, this was in the United States! They knew about religion but no one had talked to them about Jesus. We assume that in a "Christian" country (it is not), that Jesus is well known. That assumption is wrong. Sure people know the name but there are many like those above who have never been told that the Gospel is about a relationship with a person - Jesus.

Far from being offended, this couple was intrigued. I am sure it will lead to further conversation. As you interact with people, don't assume that they understand that Christianity is about a Savior with whom they can relate and enter into a personal relationship because of the incarnation. It is a life changing revelation!

Dirty church politics

If there is one thing I hate and I have to believe that Jesus hates as well is dirty politics in the church. Dirty politics where people with a hidden agenda use underhanded tactics including rumors, lies, gossip and manipulation of the church constitution at times to get what they want. One only has to read the book of Ephesians to know that there is nothing spiritual, God like or righteous in using unrighteous means to achieve one's will.

I was the victim of dirty politics in a church I served. I know how it felt and for years afterwards there were people who spread lies about me and my ministry. Their politics split the church. Unfortunately it is no unusual.

Here are some of the common characteristics of dirty politics.

First, there is a hidden agenda behind the scenes which is not stated because they know they would be discredited if it was. They have the conversations behind closed doors with those they are in alignment with but are never upfront about what they think or intend to do. It may be to derail the leadership direction of the leaders or be as blatant as forcing a pastor out.

Second, there are unrighteous things said. By unrighteous I mean falsehoods, rumors and outright lies. Information is passed along which is damaging to others that has never  been verified. Think of how often God says in the Scriptures that he hates falsehood. When this is present, evil is present.

Third, while they may use spiritual language the real issue is power. If it was about ministry they would be willing to state their position publicly so everyone knows. Anyone who does not do that is playing power politics with a hidden agenda and that is almost always about power, not true concern for the church nor concern for truth.

Fourth, these are people who are arsonists. They light fires with gossip and lies and then are not to be found when someone tries to figure out where they came from. In other words they refuse to be accountable for their words or actions which is power and unrighteousness combined. 

How do you know when this is taking place in your church? When there is gossip going around about leadership. When there are power plays in meetings. When common language is used which clearly indicates that there is a faction talking. When the issues are not clearly stated up front. When conflict starts to erode the congregation. When you start to hear common language from diverse people.

One of the best ways to counteract this is simply to tell the congregation what is taking place, what is being said and simply ask them if that is what they want. Chances are the perpetrators will run for the hills because they don't want a public debate. If they thought they would win that way they would do it. Rather they are using underhanded means because they know that the bulk of the congregation would not be in agreement with. It is unrighteous and cowardly behavior. We see it all the time in politics but it has no place in the church.

Be smart,  be truthful, be wise but don't let those who play by dirty politics to determine the direction of the church. In almost every instance where they succeed the church loses. Why should we be surprised? There is nothing righteous about their behavior!

See also  Hearing the voice behind the voices.

Husbands who abuse and church leaders who don't act or downplay the abuse

I am reposting a blog from Elisabeth Klein with permission entitled Churches, Wake Up to Abuse. This is a real issue and one that many church leaders do not take seriously enough.

I am a very grateful girl. My pleas for help were misunderstood for a dozen years. And now, in this safe place, I can honestly say that I am grateful that they were.  Hear me out.

Because my experience is one of not being helped and being helped, I know both sides of the continuum because I experienced both sides of the continuum firsthand.

I do not wish it on anyone else, of course. I wish every pastor and church leader and adult ministries director and small group leader understood the difference between marriages going through a rough patch and marriages that are characterized by abuse or addiction issues. But that is not the case.  I hear stories all the time of women who went to their church for help, thinking it was their safest place, and not getting it.

In fact, I’m reading Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood’s A Cry for Justice right now. These people get it.  This is an all-too-familiar cycle that already-abused women suffer through at the hands of their church leadership. Please read this with an open mind and heart…if you are a church leader, does this sound like you?

“1. Victim reports abuse to her pastor/church leader.

2. Pastor/church leader does not believe her claims, or at least believes they are greatly exaggerated. After all, he “knows” her husband to be one of the finest Christian men he knows, a pillar of the church.

3. Pastor/church leader minimizes the severity of the abuse. His goal is often, frankly, damage control (to himself and to his church).

4. Pastor/church leader indirectly (or not so indirectly!) implies that the victim needs to do better in her role as wife and mother and as a Christian. He concludes that all such scenarios are a “50/50” blame sharing.

5. Pastor/church leader sends the victim home, back to the abuser, after praying with her and entrusting the problem to the Lord.

6. Pastor/church leader believes he has done his job.

7. Victim returns, reporting that nothing has changed. She has tried harder and prayed, but the abuse has continued.

8. Pastor/church leader decides to do some counseling. He says “I will have a little talk with your husband” or “I am sure that all three of us can sit down and work this all out.” Either of these routes only results in further and more intense abuse of the victim. This counseling can go on for years! (One victim reported that it dragged on for nine years in her case).

9. As time passes, the victim becomes the guilty party in the eyes of the pastor/church leader and others. She is the one causing the commotion. She is pressured by the pastor/church leader and others in the church to stop rebelling, to submit to her husband, and stop causing division in the church.

10. After more time passes, the victim separates from or divorces the abuser. The church has refused to believe her, has persistently covered up the abuse, has failed to obey the law and report the abuse to the police; and has refused to exercise church discipline against the abuser. Ironically, warnings of impending church discipline are often directed against the victim!

11. The final terrible injustice is that the victim is the one who must leave the church, while the abuser remains a member in good standing, having successfully duped the pastor/church leader and church into believing that his victim was the real problem.”

In my first twelve or so years of asking for help, this was my cycle, and it happened several times.  I can gratefully say that I did eventually get the help that I (and my marriage) so desperately needed, but I need you to hear me.  The above cycle is real. The above cycle happens more than you want to believe. The above cycle absolutely MUST STOP.

If you are a pastor or are in church leadership, I believe that God is counting on you to wake up and to get this right.  His children are in need of your help, your intervention, your wisdom, your prayer, your support.  If this sounds like how you’ve handled these situations in the past, it’s not too late to make living amends by doing research and changing your approach.  Please. On behalf of every woman who is dying (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) in her marriage, I am begging you to do things differently from this point forward. Marriages and hearts and lives are at stake.

Two questions I’d like to leave you with from A Cry for Justice:

Do I see abuse in the same light as the Lord does, or have I been guilty of minimizing or even denying it?

Have you ever considered that the Pauline exception of abandonment just might include the emotional, spiritual, or financial abandonment often faced by victims of domestic abuse?

Please allow me to pray for you as you lead and counsel and offer support:

Jesus, I lift up every pastor and church leader who comes in contact with a woman in an abusive or addiction-fraught marriage. Please open their eyes and minds and hearts to the realities of these women. Please give them the humility to admit if they’ve been wrong and the courage to course-correct. Please give them the wisdom they need to stand up and fight for these women, for their children, even for their husbands. Please do something, Jesus. We need you.  These women and children need you.  Amen.

Recommended resources:
A Cry for Justice by Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer
Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage by Elisabeth Klein
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger

The art of critical analysis and distinguishing between what is and what we wish it to be

It is very easy to assume that all is well in our ministries, on our boards or with our ministry teams whether or not it is actually true. One of the deficits of ministry leaders is that we are often not very skilled at critical analysis and don't take the time to evaluate deeply our actual health from what we wish that health to be. We tend to look at our ministries through rose colored glasses, assume the best and do not have mechanisms to verify the actual situation.

In my work with churches, for instance, boards often assume that all is well with the staff until one day they get a wake up call and realize that there are all kinds of dysfunction on staff due to poor leadership of their senior pastor in that arena and they have a major problem on their hands. Their assumptions were wrong and they had not done due diligence to monitor what was compared to what they assumed it to be. In most of these cases the problems had been brewing for years and it was still not identified and dealt with.

The same is true for boards themselves where we assume all is well and one day realize that we have not been guarding the unity of the board and have been living with unhealthy relationships and practices and there is now division. It did not happen overnight. We were simply blind to it. 

I could give many other examples but it comes down to this. Are we paying attention to the various aspects of our ministry and asking the hard questions as to what is really happening or are we assuming the best and glossing over the problems. Critical analysis is not always easy, it can be threatening, and it takes time but it is the only way to ensure ongoing health and effectiveness.

For boards and senior leaders: Don't just take everyone's word that all is well. Ask the hard questions and find ways to verify. This is one of our jobs. We celebrate success and progress but we are also always alert to what is "under the hood" and where the issues are that need to be addressed. It is learning to distinguish between what really is and what we wish them to be.

Understanding one of the most important countries in Africa

Every now and then a book comes along that is truly outstanding and this is one. Congo, often called the heart of Africa, has been a place of mission activity for many, many years. It is one of the richest countries in the world in natural resources but a failed state. It has suffered one of the longest civil wars, dictatorships, has a legacy of slave trading going back to when it was a possession of King Leopold of Belgium. It is also a place where the church is growing and flourishing and where there is a deep desire for the Gospel to transform the country and it is a country in need of transformation.

In many ways Congo is a metaphor for much of Africa and this book will keep your attention as it unfolds its history through the eyes of those who lived it. I highly recommend it to everyone who wants to learn more about Africa and to all who support mission efforts in Congo it is a must read.

Congo: The Epic History of a People, by David Van Reybrouck.

How to destroy a good decision

The answer is very simple: Run a bad process! I have come to the conclusion that it is easier to make the right decision than it is to run the process necessary to carry it out well. And good decisions, executed badly hurt your organization in a significant way.

Take for example a decision to let a staff member go who is under performing and creating significant issues for the rest of the staff. At some point after trying to coach and having been candid with the staff member to try to help them grow you make the (right) decision that they need to leave your team. The easy part is done.

The hard part is the process by which you make the transition. Do you know who their constituency is that may take up their cause? Is there a way to help them go to another job rather than just leave the present job? Can you convince them to not "burn" your ministry on the way out because of anger? If challenged, can you demonstrate that you ran proper process before you made your decision? Is that process documented so that you are not running into legal trouble? Are there timing issues involved? Do you know how their responsibilities will be handled when they are gone? Have you thought through your communication plan? Are there people you need to talk to personally? Are there any unintended consequences to what you intend to do?

Good decisions handled badly destroy whatever forward process your decision was meant to bring. Even a bad decision handled well is better than a good decision handled badly. 

Often we put great care into getting our decision right but are careless in the execution of the decision. The truth is that often we need to put more time into the process than the decision itself. Making good decisions and running good process are both critically important.

What I have learned from leaders who have failed or disappointed me

Like most of us who have been around a while I have seen my share of Christian leaders who have failed the test of leadership. This has included affairs, financial misappropriation, addictions, extreme narcissism, unwillingness to be accountable to their boards, staff abuse, plain poor leadership and the list could go on. Just do a Google search and there is no lack of  high profile leaders whose lives have come undone.

As in all of life there are lessons to be learned here and these are some of the lessons I have learned.

One. All of us have feet of clay and struggle with our own shadow side. Leaders do as well. No one is exempt from one's lower nature or the normal temptations of life. Thus while we hold Christian leaders to a higher standard, they too will fall in a fallen world. While disappointed, I am no longer surprised. But for the grace of God go I.

Two. That being the case I no longer place any individual on a pedestal believing they are different. The higher one places them the further they fall and the greater the disappointment. I pray for leaders in my life but recognize that they are subject to the same life issues that I am. I refuse to become a groupie of the latest high profile Christian leader.

Three. I cannot outsource my relationship with God to others. I am personally responsible for my life, my spiritual growth, the use of my gifts and how I use my life for God. Thus when a leader falls, the truth is that it does not impact my spiritual life and I do not become disillusioned. 

Four. I recognize that one of the reasons leaders fail is that they get caught up in their own success and people no longer tell them the truth. I am committed to being respectful but absolutely honest with leaders around me, resisting the temptation to treat them differently or to be less than candid. What they do with it is their business. Mine is not to contribute to the problem.

Five. I must guard my own life so that the common factors that contribute to leadership failure do not become my experience. This includes accountable relationships, encouraging my staff to be candid and upfront, living with humility and being deeply aware of my own shadow side and vulnerabilities. No one is exempt from the issues that contribute to failed leadership. 

World conflict, the gospel and our personal response

It is easy to watch the news of the various conflicts in our world such as that between the Palestinians and Israel or Russia and Ukraine and simply think about who are the good guys and the bad guys, informed by our political persuasion or where we are from. I believe that for believers, the issues are more complex than this.

I am not naive about world realities. Those movements who engage in ethnic cleansing, the eradication of believers or those not like them (ISIS) or who simply disregard human life for their own purposes are quite simply evil and must be dealt with if we believe in the sanctity of human life. The purpose of government is to maintain peace and there are times when evil must be addressed whether the genocide in Rawanda or the Nazi aggression in the Second world War. 

Certainly I have strong feelings on many matters informed by my own world view. I am an avid reader of history and world events and see issues from the perspective of my Third Culture upbringing. As one involved in the proclamation of the Gospel, however, I have a higher interest and that is seeing the Gospel spread. Ultimately the hope of our world is not in any political system or government but it is quite simply Jesus. 

Yesterday I wrote this letter to a friend in Russia (who is ethnically Russian) who is engaged in ministry there and was pointing out atrocities of the Ukrainians against the Russians. Of course the perception in most of the west is that the aggression in this region was initiated by Russia upon Ukraine.

I am grieved about the loss of life on both sides in this conflict. I know that all of us have our personal opinions on where the most culpability lies. War is a dirty business and the innocent are the biggest losers. I believe the Gospel is the only true answer to our world’s conflicts including this one.

As I travel and do ministry abroad I don’t do so as an American citizen but as an ambassador of the Gospel and therefore never engage in public political discussions (even though I have convictions on them). I am praying for the advance of the Gospel in Russia and Ukraine. As you may remember my wife’s father was from Ukraine and most of her relatives reside there.

I also pray that Russian and Ukrainian believers will not be divided by what their governments do, good or bad. We are citizens of the Kingdom of Jesus and He is the one who unites us.

Our world is a complicated place, diminished and wounded by sin. I grieve for the loss of life in Gaza and in Israel. I pray peace as Paul told us to pray. I pray for God's will to be done on earth as it is in heaven as Jesus taught us to pray. I know there are aggressors and I know that many innocent people are caught in the crossfire.

If we look at the situation in Israel there are no simple answers either. Both Israel and the Palestinians have been involved in horrific actions against one another and there is enough blame to go around and neither government is righteous and no government will be until Jesus returns. Jesus died equally for the Israelis and the Palestinians. He cares about justice and mercy and walking humbly before God and that applies to nations and individual.

I am often asked in third world countries about the politics of America and the perception that Americans are all about wars, drones, bombs and aggression. My standard answer is that I am not here to represent any government and there are no righteous nations. The hope of the world is Jesus. I do have political opinions but they have never appeared on this blog in my role as one involved in world missions. I leave that to others and my government does not necessarily reflect my convictions. 

There are people called into the political arena (Daniel in the Old Testament was one). I pray for them and I pray for righteous decisions to be made in a complicated, broken and often brutal world. My role is to champion Jesus.

The future of evangelical denominations. Which will thrive and which will not

Are denominations a thing of the past and destined to disappear? Certainly many of the main line denominations have been in decline for decades now and while they may have money they have fewer and fewer churches and congregants. Some are already relics and irrelevant although they don't seem to know it yet. Their decline has little to do with where denominations are but much to do with their theological drift and the long ago loss of the Scriptures as truth. Yes they are a thing of the past.

What about denominations in the evangelical world? It depends! Denominations that are primarily about structure, institution and authority are likely to become increasingly irrelevant in today's world where churches can choose their affiliation, if any. On the other hand denominations that are movements driven by vision and common purpose (broadly defined) will not dissappear. Movements grow while calcified structures die.

Here are the characteristics that I believe will define growing denominational movements.

1. They are all about the proclamation of the Gospel and are rooted in the authority of Scripture.
2. They have an ethos that encourage local churches to flourish and minister in their unique ways without control.
3. They welcome innovation, new ways of reaching people and new forms rather than trying to fit people and congregations into a specific structures or philosophy.
4. They guard the theological integrity of the movement through ordination - one of the few structures that do matter.
5. They encourage movements within the movement which naturally occurs as visionary pastors become movement leaders and plant other congregations that look like them - or not.
6. They value the Bride over the brand (denomination) and have Kingdom hearts that work with, bless and champion other evangelical churches and groups for the spread of the Gospel and reaching whole communities. They are non-territorial.
7. They are vision driven rather than structure driven. Structures simply serve mission and vision. Structures in growing denominational movements will be kept to a minimum and only what is helpful to the movement.
8. Their leaders are people with kingdom hearts whose sole purpose is to see the Gospel expand and local churches and their leaders reach their full ministry potential. They lead out of influence rather than authority 99% of the time.
9. Denominational movement leaders are not the experts but are skilled in helping congregations and their leaders ask the right questions and can point people in the right direction when that is desired. 
10. They are constantly guarding against the movement becoming about structure and institution. They guard the missional ethos.

What I am describing are movements, rather than what we typically think of when we hear the word denomination. There will always be movements. Old ones die and new ones emerge. Denominations that are movements rather than institutions are far more likely to thrive and survive in the coming decades. 

Leadership board time outs for reflection

Many church and ministry boards would benefit from a periodic "time out" from their regular agenda to talk to God and themselves about their ministry. Even in good board work we get caught up in the routine which can mask issues or opportunities that would help us clarify, move forward and become healthier. Here a few but powerful questions that can be used in a "time out" session where decisions are not going to be made but rather where dialogue can take place without the press of other business.

1. Where are we seeing God work in significant ways and how might we leverage that work?
2. Has God been speaking to any member of the board about any aspect of our ministry? What are they hearing or sensing from God and do others have the same sense? And then press into this in prayer.
3. How are we doing as a board relationally with each other, in the way we do our work together and in moving the ministry forward in an intentional manner?
4. Are there any elephants that we have allowed to fester - things that we know need to be addressed by that we are afraid to verbalize. What are they? Once named, elephants are simply issues that can be talked about.
5. Have we become complacent in any area of our leadership work? In what areas? How can we do better?

You may have other key questions that can be used to spark conversation but taking time out to simply reflect can spark thinking, debate, prayer and dialogue. Most importantly it may help the ministry significantly move forward.

No time to think

This insightful article from the New York Times talks about the frenetic schedules we keep and hints at why we do so. It is well worth reading and thinking about - if you have the time! The deficit of thinking time is one of the epidemics of our time, and leaders are not exempt!

No Time to Think 

When failure is not failure

Many of us in Christian ministry have very high standards for ourselves, often too high. We are not able to relax in the fact that we cannot do everything to perfection and some things not even in the ballpark. Yet we often live with a sense of failure when something does not go right, if we don't get something right or when others tell us that we simply don't have the skill to do something. 

In real life that is normal. Why do we who are in ministry need to perform to standards that are not normal? Yes we serve the perfect God who always gets it right but that same God gave us specific gifts (Ephesians 2:10), called it good and was content that he wired us for a few things and not all.

In my work with staff of ReachGlobal and other ministries one of the key issues is always helping leaders understand their gifting, play to their strengths and get out of areas where they are not gifted. Often what I get when we talk about the latter areas is a sense of failure on their part. But it is the furthest thing from failure. It is simply recognizing how God did and did not gift them. Half of success is knowing what we are not good at so that we can focus on those things we are good at. 

The most successful people I know are those who can tell you the instant you ask what they are not good at and what they are good at. And rather than a sense of failure on the former they are fulfilled and happy and vow that they will stay in their lane of gifting because that is what God made them for. 

Real failure for many is never admitting that they are not wired for certain things. Success is knowing what we are wired for and playing to our strengths. That is when failure is not real failure but rather success. It took me some time to learn this but when I did it was liberating.

How people respond to organizational change and why it matters

Many are familiar with the bell curve that describes how people respond to change: innovators; early adapters; middle adapters; late adapters and laggards. In my experience in the change process I have another set of suggested categories to watch for. Where individuals are on this continuum from change resistors to evangelists for change makes a great difference when you are considering them for leadership positions either on staff or a board.

Resisters. Like the laggards on the bell curve, these are people who will actively resist change because they are simply wired that way. This is the individual who told me, "T.J., you can bring whatever change you want to the organization but don't expect me to do anything different." No rationale is going to change the mind of a resister.

Protectors. The protector is also highly resistant to change but for another reason. They believe in the status quo, the way things have been done in the past and they will actively try to protect "what is," rather than embrace "what could be." This was the individual who told me and many others that the changes I was bringing to ReachGlobal would destroy the mission. 

Cynics. This group is simply cynical about change unless the proposed change is their idea. They tend to view change as "the flavor of the month" and are often vocal about their opinion. Cynics generally don't trust leaders so proposals brought by leaders are quickly discounted.

Loyal followers. These individuals have a deep commitment to the organization and team. They accept change if there is a good rationale for it. These are staff who say, "Just tell me which direction we are going and I will go with you." 

Idealists. This is an interesting group with an upside and a downside when it comes to change. When creating change one inevitably creates a gap between what is and what should be. Idealists are highly impatient to get to what should be and believe that we should be there now. On the up side, they want the change. On the down side they can become highly critical that we have not arrived. Thus on any day they can be either an ally or a critic.

Realists. This group is supportive of change, realizes that it will take time and process and is generally comfortable with that process. They are helpful in realistically figuring out how to get there and can live with the tension of what is and what should be.

Change agents. These individuals not only support proposed changes but will be active agents in helping the organization get there. They are your front lines in speaking a new language, setting a new course and helping redesign philosophy and strategy.

Evangelists. These are the champions of change who publicly and privately live the change out, help others understand and get there and advocate for the new direction.

In my experience it is the realists, change agents and evangelists who will help drive change while the resisters, protectors and cynics will actively undermine change. Loyal followers and idealists will go with you but will not drive change. 

Think about the implications of these eight ways that people respond to change in terms of who you hire, who you put into leadership and who you ask to serve on a board. One church leader, after hearing these descriptions aptly commented, "no wonder so many boards are stuck." He is right. Resisters, protectors and cynics must be managed but beware of allowing them into positions of leadership and influence! 

Assumptions and facts: Get them in the correct order

It is easy to draw assumptions and even easier to draw bad assumptions based on either a lack of facts or selective facts. It is human nature to make assumptions quickly about people or situations. Mature individuals, however are circumspect, think grey and get the relevant facts before drawing any conclusions.

Think about this: How often have you heard something and drawn negative conclusions about an individual or organization without knowing the full story? Why is it that we are far more likely to draw a negative rather than a positive conclusion? And how often have you been wrong when you heard "the rest of the story?"

Good counselors know this and when one party comes in to complain about the other they resist the temptation to believe everything they hear as the full story. It is rarely the full story and without all the facts, impossible to know.

I like to practice the art of thinking grey, keeping an open mind, when I am given one sided facts. If it matters to me I will make the necessary inquiry to ascertain their veracity which is usually a personal conversation with someone. If it does not matter or pertain to me I simply recognize that I don't know the full details and don't desire or need to know them.

Correct assumptions come from knowing the facts first. Incorrect assumptions come from getting facts and assumptions in the wrong order. Resist the temptation as incomplete or wrong facts will lead to the wrong conclusion.