One of the key elements of Emotional Intelligence is the
ability to negotiate relationships. It is the inability to negotiate relationships successfully that
is at the root of a great deal of unnecessary conflict. One of the critical
skills of good EQ is being self-defined. A self-defined individual can tell you what they think even when they know that you will disagree
with their position. They don’t insist that you see the world as they do, and
they are OK if you don’t.
However, the second part of self-definition is also important. I can
disagree with you and still be in a relationship with you. Think about that in
terms of the political divisions that are tearing up America and much of the
world.
This is what it means to be able to negotiate relationships in a healthy
way. Poor EQ will state a position and insist that you agree with it. If you
don’t, you are marginalized and demonized. After all, you don’t get it. Good EQ,
on the other hand, can negotiate relationships with people who
are very different from us. This skill is needed in a diverse world, whether
inside or outside the workplace. The ability to disagree, engage in honest, candid dialogue, and still stay connected would prevent a lot of conflict.
This ability for leaders is crucial to creating cultures of open and candid dialogue. By taking a position that may not be popular (which is how all innovation or improvement usually begins) a leader is encouraging others to do the same. It is then in the clash of these views and perspectives that the best solutions are typically found. The alternative is the common groupthink behavior that stifles and hinders progress.
To this point, healthy leaders don’t have a problem with apologizing when
necessary. Even when they don’t really need to, they do it because it will alleviate
stress or controversy. I recall a time when I made what turned out to be a
controversial decision (the right decision, but one that was hard for my
organization to swallow). Being a blogger, I wrote a blog post for my staff
entitled “Just get over it!” My intention was to explain the decision further
and then encourage people to move on.
Unfortunately, many took offense at the blog title. I apologized (though
I didn’t need to, but I wanted to lower the angst) and wrote a new blog titled
“Build a Bridge and get over it.” It was a way to apologize for how my prior
communication had come across and give me another chance to move us forward. It
worked, but I had to apologize for it to work.
Healthy leaders keep short accounts. One of my practices is to “Walk
toward the barking dog.” If I have offended someone or created an issue, rather
than walking the other direction, I will engage the individual, seek
understanding, and do whatever is necessary to put the issue to rest so we can
move on.
These may seem like small things, but they are not. Much of our leadership capital is based on relationships. The
ability to negotiate healthy win-win relationships is a key to good leadership
and reflects good EQ.
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