The challenge of forgiving ourselves

The lack of self forgiveness often has devastating results on our relationship with the Father and our own involvement in ministry. We have become convinced that He cannot truly forgive our sin. It was too egregious, too serious. And so we live our lives in silent confession, hoping that He can forgive but never really feeling forgiven. This directly involves our involvement in any kind of Christian service because we don’t feel that God could, should or would use us. So we live quietly in the shadows, never being all in and always feeling inadequate and unworthy.

If this applies to you, I want you to listen very carefully to several truths. First, God’s grace always exceeds our sin. You cannot out sin God’s ability to forgive. Paul makes this clear when he says that, “where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20) There is no sin that God cannot or will not forgive. He sent His one and only son that, “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) God is in the business of forgiving because of the death and resurrection of Christ on the cross.

Second, you cannot separate yourselves from God’s love. Again Paul says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God, and he is also interceding for us.” - Romans 8: 31 - 34

Third, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

For many of us, one of the greatest struggles of our lives is to forgive ourselves for choices we have made, actions we have taken or perhaps words we have said. The thing about past sins is that they can be as real to us today as they were then. Often they are secret sins, but the problem is that we know and, in spite of confessing them to God many times over, we cannot forgive ourselves. 

Fourth, who are we to deny God’s work of forgiveness by refusing to forgive ourselves? If He has forgiven us, we must do the same. Satan will always sow seeds of doubt in our mind regarding our sin but 1 John 1:9 makes it clear that when we confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness. All of it! Every last bit of it. 

If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, ask God for His help. Sometimes it helps to do something to intentionally experience what God has already done for you. Take a piece of paper and write on it those sins that continue to bother you. Then as you thank God for  His forgiveness, put that paper in your fireplace or burn it in your sink (don’t burn down the house). As you clean the sink of the ashes, you are reenacting what God has done with your heart. Thank Him, and every time you remember that sin again, think of the ashes in the sink that you cleaned up. Whatever you do, don’t live in guilt when God designed you for freedom, and don’t live in the shadows when God designed you for the light.

Four myths about forgiveness

There are many mistaken notions about forgiveness which, if not understood, can cause us to question whether we have truly forgiven those who have wronged us. Almost all of us carry with us wounds inflicted by another. Some of those wounds go back to our childhoods and are intensely painful to remember. Often we wonder how old we will be before we are freed from their grip. I want to look at four myths about forgiveness that are not Biblical and should not cloud our understanding of this important issue. 

Myth one: Someone has to ask for forgiveness before we give it. If only life was that simple. Here is one of the most difficult things about forgiveness: those who have hurt us rarely apologize to us, ask forgiveness or acknowledge the depth of their hurt to our hearts, souls or bodies. In fact, we don’t forgive primarily for the individual who wronged us but for our own sake. I wrote in a recent blog post that when we refuse to forgive, we allow ourselves to be incarcerated in a cell of bitterness even while we have the key to unlock the cell door - forgiveness - but we choose our dingy cell to the joy of sunlight, freedom and peace. The one who wounded you may well not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to forgive them so that you don’t live life in the prison of bitterness.

Myth two: Forgiving means forgetting. Our memories don’t work that way. We don’t forget moments or periods of intense pain. They are indelibly locked in our brain. The pain we feel when we remember those events may start to fade with time and the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives but we will not forget. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Rather, it is to be free of the bitterness and hate that we feel for those who wronged us. The more freedom we experience, the more healing we can experience. As we heal the memories don’t go away but the pain associated with them starts to recede. 

Myth three: Forgiveness relieves us of the pain of the wounds inflicted on us. Not so. The pain only recedes with the passage of time and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. As we heal, the pain may become less painful and there may come a day when there is no pain left. But that only happens when we choose to forgive and give up our bitterness.

Myth four: It is easy for a Christian to forgive. Not so. Forgiving others is one of the most difficult things we will ever do and the greater the wound the harder it is to forgive. This was the topic of one of Jesus’s parables: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. As Jesus was dialoguing about this parable, He had this conversation with Peter: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” - Matthew 18: 21 - 23

Why would Jesus say this? He said it because of how hard it is to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness is a process of forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving until finally we don’t need to forgive any longer. It is a hard discipline that must be exercised time and again until the pain has receded and the bitterness is gone. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do.