Understanding what it means to forgive others

 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving  each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Few things are more like Jesus than a willingness to forgive those who have wronged us. We don’t forgive because we don’t believe they deserve it and often that is right. We don’t forgive because we are bitter at some offense and don’t want to give up our right to that bitterness. We don’t forgive because it is, frankly, unnatural to us to do so. Why would I forgive someone who has hurt and harmed me? Or someone close to me?

And so we often allow offenses to fester for years, sometimes decades. In some cases the one who hurt us has gone to the grave and we still carry that offense and still deal with anger and bitterness. The dilemma we have with the act of forgiveness is that we often don’t want to do it but we know God commands us to do it. It can be one of the hardest acts of obedience that we ever have to take depending on the offense.  

There are some myths that surround the issue of forgiveness which also get in our way. The first myth is that someone must ask for forgiveness before we grant it. If only life was that simple. One of the most difficult things about forgiveness is that those who have hurt us rarely apologize to us, ask forgiveness or acknowledge the depth of their hurt to our hearts, souls or bodies. In fact, we don’t forgive primarily for the individual who wronged us but for our own sake. When we refuse to forgive, we allow ourselves to be incarcerated in a cell of bitterness even while we have the key to unlock the cell door - forgiveness - but we choose our dingy cell to the joy of sunlight, freedom, and peace. The one who wounded you may well not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to forgive them so that you don’t live life in the prison of bitterness.

Myth two: Forgiving means forgetting. Our memories don’t work that way. We don’t forget moments or periods of intense pain. They are indelibly locked in our brain. The pain we feel when we remember those events may start to fade with time, and the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives. but we will not forget. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Rather, it is to be free of the bitterness and hate that we feel for those who wronged us. The more freedom we experience, the more healing we can experience. As we heal the memories don’t go away but the pain associated with them starts to recede. 

Myth three: Forgiveness relieves us of the pain of the wounds inflicted on us. Not so. The pain only recedes with the passage of time and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. As we heal, the pain may become less painful and there may come a day when there is no pain left. But that only happens when we choose to forgive and give up our bitterness.

Myth four: It is easy for a Christian to forgive. Not so. Forgiving others is one of the most difficult things we will ever do, and the greater the wound the harder it is to forgive. This was the topic of one of Jesus’s parables: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. As Jesus was dialoguing about this parable, He had this conversation with Peter: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” - Matthew 18:21-23

Why would Jesus say this? He said it because of how hard it is to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness is a process of forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving until finally we don’t need to forgive any longer. It is a hard discipline that must be exercised time and again until the pain has receded and the bitterness is gone. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do. The command to forgive is one of the hard sayings of Jesus because it goes against everything inside us.

Is this not why holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom forgave those who committed the most heinous crimes against her? Her father and her sister Betsie died at the hands of the Nazi's and she endured the infamous Ravensbruck prison camp. Years later she recounts the day she forgave her SS guard.

“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pained, blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message Fräulein”, he said “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.

I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your Forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

Ultimately we forgive because He commands it and Paul reminds us to forgive as God in Christ forgave us. And it is in that hard act of obedience and a lessening of our pride and will that we start to find obedience, healing, and in many cases, relational healing as well. Is there someone that you need to forgive today and will you do that in this lenten journey?

Father, help me though your Spirit take the step of forgiveness that I need to take and in so doing lesson my bitterness and allow me to start healing. This is a hard step but one that you command me to take. So I will do it. Amen.

The question for today: Is there someone that I need to forgive?

The most amazingly Jesus like attitude I have seen in a very long time

 

We live in a deeply divided world where Jesus and the Gospel take second place to our attitudes, politics, friendships and life perspectives. It should be the other way around. Here from the heart of a young woman we see the Jesus perspective that our society and our church so often lacks. It is profound and it can be life changing. Watch this 90 second statement that says more than most of us have said in a lifetime.

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The challenge of forgiving ourselves

The lack of self forgiveness often has devastating results on our relationship with the Father and our own involvement in ministry. We have become convinced that He cannot truly forgive our sin. It was too egregious, too serious. And so we live our lives in silent confession, hoping that He can forgive but never really feeling forgiven. This directly involves our involvement in any kind of Christian service because we don’t feel that God could, should or would use us. So we live quietly in the shadows, never being all in and always feeling inadequate and unworthy.

If this applies to you, I want you to listen very carefully to several truths. First, God’s grace always exceeds our sin. You cannot out sin God’s ability to forgive. Paul makes this clear when he says that, “where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20) There is no sin that God cannot or will not forgive. He sent His one and only son that, “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) God is in the business of forgiving because of the death and resurrection of Christ on the cross.

Second, you cannot separate yourselves from God’s love. Again Paul says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God, and he is also interceding for us.” - Romans 8: 31 - 34

Third, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

For many of us, one of the greatest struggles of our lives is to forgive ourselves for choices we have made, actions we have taken or perhaps words we have said. The thing about past sins is that they can be as real to us today as they were then. Often they are secret sins, but the problem is that we know and, in spite of confessing them to God many times over, we cannot forgive ourselves. 

Fourth, who are we to deny God’s work of forgiveness by refusing to forgive ourselves? If He has forgiven us, we must do the same. Satan will always sow seeds of doubt in our mind regarding our sin but 1 John 1:9 makes it clear that when we confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness. All of it! Every last bit of it. 

If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, ask God for His help. Sometimes it helps to do something to intentionally experience what God has already done for you. Take a piece of paper and write on it those sins that continue to bother you. Then as you thank God for  His forgiveness, put that paper in your fireplace or burn it in your sink (don’t burn down the house). As you clean the sink of the ashes, you are reenacting what God has done with your heart. Thank Him, and every time you remember that sin again, think of the ashes in the sink that you cleaned up. Whatever you do, don’t live in guilt when God designed you for freedom, and don’t live in the shadows when God designed you for the light.

Four myths about forgiveness

There are many mistaken notions about forgiveness which, if not understood, can cause us to question whether we have truly forgiven those who have wronged us. Almost all of us carry with us wounds inflicted by another. Some of those wounds go back to our childhoods and are intensely painful to remember. Often we wonder how old we will be before we are freed from their grip. I want to look at four myths about forgiveness that are not Biblical and should not cloud our understanding of this important issue. 

Myth one: Someone has to ask for forgiveness before we give it. If only life was that simple. Here is one of the most difficult things about forgiveness: those who have hurt us rarely apologize to us, ask forgiveness or acknowledge the depth of their hurt to our hearts, souls or bodies. In fact, we don’t forgive primarily for the individual who wronged us but for our own sake. I wrote in a recent blog post that when we refuse to forgive, we allow ourselves to be incarcerated in a cell of bitterness even while we have the key to unlock the cell door - forgiveness - but we choose our dingy cell to the joy of sunlight, freedom and peace. The one who wounded you may well not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to forgive them so that you don’t live life in the prison of bitterness.

Myth two: Forgiving means forgetting. Our memories don’t work that way. We don’t forget moments or periods of intense pain. They are indelibly locked in our brain. The pain we feel when we remember those events may start to fade with time and the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives but we will not forget. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Rather, it is to be free of the bitterness and hate that we feel for those who wronged us. The more freedom we experience, the more healing we can experience. As we heal the memories don’t go away but the pain associated with them starts to recede. 

Myth three: Forgiveness relieves us of the pain of the wounds inflicted on us. Not so. The pain only recedes with the passage of time and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. As we heal, the pain may become less painful and there may come a day when there is no pain left. But that only happens when we choose to forgive and give up our bitterness.

Myth four: It is easy for a Christian to forgive. Not so. Forgiving others is one of the most difficult things we will ever do and the greater the wound the harder it is to forgive. This was the topic of one of Jesus’s parables: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. As Jesus was dialoguing about this parable, He had this conversation with Peter: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” - Matthew 18: 21 - 23

Why would Jesus say this? He said it because of how hard it is to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness is a process of forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving until finally we don’t need to forgive any longer. It is a hard discipline that must be exercised time and again until the pain has receded and the bitterness is gone. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do.

5 Practical Indicators of Spiritual Transformation

Spiritual transformation is the goal of our lives as Christ followers - something all healthy church leaders think about for the congregation they lead. I am often asked whether spiritual transformation can be measured. The answer is yes! In fact, there are some practical indicators of spiritual transformation in the life of a believer and corporately as a congregation. These five indicators, or their lack, speak directly to whether spiritual transformation is taking place.

The first indicator is kindness. This is about being friendly, generous, and considerate to others - those we naturally like and those we don't. Kindness is a trait of God and is often translated "loving kindness" in the Old Testament. It is God's posture toward us, and therefor as we become transformed by Him, we grow in our loving kindness toward others. It is an attitude that is reflected in our words and actions toward those around us.

Congregations characterized by kindness indicate a high level of spiritual transformation. They are generally peaceful and friendly and exhibit love for one another. They care about one another and show that care in practical ways. You cannot be kind and ignore the needs that those around you may have. Kindness and grace have much in common. 

The second indicator is forgiveness. Those who are quick to forgive - and willing to forgive even the hard things and hard people exhibit the character of God. This is not a human trait but a divine one. Untransformed people hang on to their grievances and bitterness, while transformed individuals choose to forgive, leave their bitterness and hurt behind and live in God's forgiving grace. 

Forgiveness is not easy and often must be done repeatedly, hence the words of Jesus that we must be willing to forgive many times. In forgiving, we shed our bitterness and choose to live in peace.

How many congregations are characterized by factions, gossip, harsh attitudes, and conflict? These are all indicators of a people in need of God's transformation. Churches can be mean places with mean people! Where forgiveness is the hallmark, however, none of the above are usually present because an attitude of forgiveness rules them out. Every time we forgive, we demonstrate the attitude of God toward us. And we choose His way over our way.

The third indicator is generosity. This is an unselfish attitude toward others characterized by generous attitudes where we think the best, generous actions where we help those in need - or those we simply desire to bless. If a selfish attitude is all about me, a generous spirit desires to bless others. It is an unselfish life. Generous people always want the very best for others.

Congregations marked by generosity are contagious because generosity is contagious. Generosity of spirit, time, encouragement, help and forgiveness. This is something you feel and experience from someone who has it and congregations who live it.

Then there is the indicator of humility. Not thinking too highly of ourselves. In fact, this is one of the most powerful traits of one who has been transformed because they understand that life is not about them. Humility indicates that we focus not primarily on ourselves but on Jesus and others. We don't need to fight for our own way or prove ourselves to others. It is a heart at peace because we have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide.

Congregations marked by humility have very little conflict, look out for others, and are not pretentious but service oriented. Humble congregations are those that are focused on God, His will, and plans and serve others generously. Even other congregations in the community need help. Pride says life is about us. Humility says we are here to serve.

Finally, there is the mark of patience. Here is something to consider. Impatience is a sign that my needs were not met, that my agenda was not kept, that someone did not live up to my expectations, or that someone's spiritual life is not growing at the pace I want. The common word here is "my" and "I," which is not an indicator of transformation. It focuses on myself and what I want without appreciating others and their situations. Patience is a character trait of God, who is infinitely patient with us on a daily basis.

Congregations marked by patience are generally full of grace and give one another great latitude. They are understanding, kind, and not easily irritated. Oh, and they are patient with their leaders, and their leaders are patient with the congregation. What a joy that would be in many congregations.

Can spiritual transformation be measured? It can be! By the growth of these traits in ourselves and in our congregations. It is hard work, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, it is all about becoming more about Jesus.

TJ Addington is the lead at Addington Consulting. We solve dysfunctional cultures and teams and help you build healthy, scalable organizations of clarity, alignment, and results. If the pain is high, you need Addington Consulting. tjaddington@gmail.com

tjaddington@gmail.com

Six questions to ask in any reconciliation process

Trying to reconcile broken relationships is a tough job. In conflict, things are said, actions taken, motives judged, offenses given and received and by the time you are finished a great deal of damage has been done. Like divorce: If you were not enemies before the divorce you may well be when the contentious process is concluded. By that time, both parties see one another through a lens of suspicion, mistrust and often anger and even the most innocent actions are seen from a negative perspective. 

There is nothing easy about trying to bring peace to a broken relationship and those who try are to be commended. As Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers! It is a humbling, difficult process that involves our hearts, our minds and our future commitments. To say nothing of the necessity to forgive those who we believe have hurt us badly. In our humanity we want our pound of flesh even if we keep that private. 

In any reconciliation process it seems to me there are six questions that need to be explored. There is no guarantee as you enter such a process that reconciliation will be possible but working through these six questions gives it a chance. 

First: Do I truly want peace with the party I am in conflict with? Our natural response to that is "of course." But that is not necessarily true. Conflict brings with it pain and hurt and in the wake of that conflict it is often more comfortable to nurse our pain than to extend forgiveness for another's actions and ask for forgiveness for our part in the conflict. Often, one or both parties resist any reconciliation because they don't want to contemplate the forgiveness issue. 

Reconciliation is rarely successful until both parties desire to reconcile - to the extent that they can. Often this first question is the most difficult and requires the most work. No matter how bad the conflict, when both parties come to the conclusion they want peace, the outcome is usually positive.

Second: What are the issues? Because conflict creates relational chaos it is necessary to try to identify the issues that created the conflict and the further issues that ocurred during the conflict. Making a list of these issues helps to separate those issues from our emotions and give us a clearer picture of what happened and after it happened how one or both parties contributed to further issues. Usually it takes a third party to walk the two parties in conflict through this exercise - and those that come. 

Having identified the issues the third question: What can be resolved? When you can isolate the issues involved there are usually a number that can be resolved quickly. Often, they include assumptions one party made along the way regarding the actions of the other. Sometimes, a long period of conflict is found to have been the result of a simply misunderstanding that escalated because of incorrect assumptions. If two parties are open and humble, many issues can usually be resolved through honest conversation and careful listening.

The fourth question: What issues cannot be resolved? There are often issues that it is not possible to resolve. Often, because of the lens through which we see the opposing party and our inability to hear or believe their explanation. Sometimes the events are too murky and shrouded in emotion to resolve. This does not mean that these issues will never be resolved but only that they cannot be resolved at this time. Record these and leave them for another day or agree at some point to let them go. 

Question five: Where can forgiveness be extended or asked for? Here is where significant closure starts to take place. When we forgive we give up our offense and when we ask for the same we humble ourselves and admit that we too are fallible. Asking for forgiveness creates an atmosphere that breaks down barriers leading the other party to do the same. Asking and extending forgiveness often breaks the dam of animosity. It also often makes the issues that cannot be resolved mute. They no longer matter because a level of relational peace has been attained. 

Question six flows out of the other five: Can we agree to live in peace and without rancor? This is a decision to cease hostilities and agree to live at peace. This means that we will not speak ill of the other party, that we will no longer nurse anger or resentment and that we will lay down our animosity in exchange for peace. This can be a hard decision even after this process because it requires us to give up the bitterness we have nursed, the attitude of entitlement we have toward the hurt that has been inflicted on us and lay it all down. Like the first question this is an act of the will. 

None of this is easy. It is a choice and a hard choice but it brings amazing freedom and blessing. "Blessed are the peacemakers."

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