Grace Killers to Avoid

 A culture of grace is often missing among God's people. And it is a big disconnect for those of us who represent the King of Grace - Jesus. I am talking about the ability and willingness to give one another the benefit of the doubt, accept that others are not perfect and are in need of grace and extending it even as we desire it to be extended to us.  

Here are seven common grace killers:

Critical spirits and sharp comments. When we allow ourselves to have critical spirits toward others we set ourselves above them in our attitude and demeanor. When we make sharp comments we compound our error and in essence demean others. Even when it is necessary to have a difficult conversation one can speak graciously with truth and ever conscious of our own issues. All of us live under God's grace which He extends daily. To follow Him is to extend that same grace to others. 

Playing the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Needing to fix other people's issues is far more about us than it is about them. It is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict each of us about areas in our lives that need renovation. Sure there are times when we need to talk to others about issues in their lives but we ought to do it with great care. I have found that praying for others is often a far better approach than trying to fix others. God is perfectly capable of getting anyone's attention but He does it with amazing mercy and love.

Expecting others to live by our own convictions. Believers have a wide variety of convictions and practices that fall into the grey zone between what God commands and what He leaves to our conscience. Each of us makes lifestyle choices in those areas where God has not spoken clearly. When we are critical of those who make different choices than we do we are imposing legalism on them and moving from grace to control. We are also again playing the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives. 

This extends to our theology. There are many points of theology - beyond the pillars of what it means to be evangelical that Christians differ on. When I insist that others slice and dice their theology they way I do I am arrogantly suggesting that I have a corner on truth and they do not. What is it in me that does not allow others to come to their own conclusions on issues that are not clear in Scripture? One day we will all stand before God and realize how little we actually knew of Him. Yet we are unable to be flexible with the convictions and practices of others.

Gossip and talking to others about issues rather than to the one we have an issue with. This is a huge grace killer and ubiquitous among God's people. Gossip is no different than writing a critical email and copying it to the world. Its ripples continue on and is a way to lift ourselves up by demeaning others. At its heart it is pure judgement and is from the Evil One rather than the One who gives life (John 10:10). Untold harm is caused to reputations and relationships when we engage in this grace killing behavior.

Assuming ill motives on the part of others. This is a grace killer because we are usually wrong (the motives were not poor) but our assumption about motives (as if we can know the heart of another) causes us to think poorly of them. Grace says that I will not assume the motivation of others because I cannot know it unless they tell me. Giving others the benefit of the doubt is about grace. Only God knows the heart.

Holding on to bitterness and choosing not to forgive. Lack of forgiveness and bitterness is at the root of a great deal of relational dysfunction and critical spirits. It not only kills grace in the relationship but in our own spirits that are poisoned by our refusal to forgive and let go. We become a prisoner of our own bitterness and the poison of that bitterness spreads to others around us. It is our choice to forgive or not to forgive but it is God's command that we do.

Lack of empathy and understanding. It is easy to become impatient and critical of others because we don't understand what they are dealing with in their own lives and we have not taken the time to find out. All of us live with either public or private pain from time to time and our lack of empathy for the issues others struggle with often cause us to be impatient and critical. The truth is that if we had to walk in their shoes we would probably  be struggling with some of the same things.

The Fruit of the Spirit is all about grace in our relationships. The fruit of our lower nature is not about grace but about us. In every relationship we have the choice of extending and living out the Grace God extends to us or conversely, choosing the selfish route of judgement and critical spirits. 

I would sum up the attributes of grace this way:

I will be slow to judge and criticize

I will be patient and forbearing with others

In my words and attitudes I will seek to encourage and lift up rather than discourage and tear down

I will not judge motives

I will forgive easily

I will allow the Holy Spirit to convict others rather than playing that role myself

I will be empathetic and understanding

I will seek to display the Fruit of the Spirit in all of my relationships and interactions

I will choose to assume the best

I will refrain from gossip

How to kill the passion of your staff

 Why do some ministry staff have a high and contagious level of passion for what they do, and others have low and noncontagious levels of passion?

Indeed, some of it concerns how individuals are wired personally. But, much of it has to do with the ministry environment in which they work - for environments and culture will either fuel or kill passion in those who work in them.

Passion killers are those things that will diminish rather than fuel ministry passion.

There is the passion killer of ambiguous missional purpose. Organizations that do not have a compelling reason for existence that everyone understands and shares will diminish rather than fuel passion for ministry. General ministry purpose yields general ministry efforts with general ministry results. A lack of focus and clear definition of what we are all about will generate little passion. No wonder such a high percentage of churches exist without much excitement or energy around them.

There is the passion killer of control and micromanagement. Good people want to be developed, empowered, and released rather than controlled or micromanaged. Control diminishes passion by devaluing people and saying, "I can't trust you to do your job by yourself." It disempowers, discourages, and diminishes enthusiasm for one's work over time. Leaders who control or micromanage, by definition, kill passion.

There is the passion killer of poor leadership. Leaders set the pace for the missional focus, health, level of energy and commitment, and the synergistic working of a team. Passion begins to diminish when leaders don't provide that kind of directional leadership and cohesion. Poor leadership yields poor followership, and teams rarely rise above their leader's passion, commitment, and example. For passion to remain high, it must start with the team leader.

There is the passion killer of living with the status quo rather than being willing to take a risk for ministry leverage. Organizations that will not take a risk diminish the passion of those who long to do something different to get greater ministry results. When the answer is "no," we don't do that here; passion leads to discouragement! Trying new things always fuels passion, while living safely does not. Safety over innovation kills passion!

There is the passion killer of unresolved conflict and lack of team cohesion. Teams, congregations, and organizations often live with high levels of negative stuff that is not resolved. Everyone knows it is present, but no one dares to face and fix it. Over time, that diminishes the passion of good people whose desire to see something happen for Christ is discouraged by the dis health they are surrounded by.

Then there is the passion killer of leaders who are coasting toward the end of their ministry life, who don't really know where to go anymore but are determined to hang on till the end, leaving staff without direction or real purpose. This is a real problem among pastors who have lost their ability to lead but don't know what to do next and simply hang on. They may be great people, but they are no longer leading, and their lack of leadership diminishes passion among those they should be leading.

There is also the passion killer of leaders who are more about building their own success and legacy than working as a team. These leaders may have narcissistic tendencies, and it is all about them. Their narcissism diminishes passion in others quickly as team members realize they are simply being used rather than part of a cohesive, unified ministry team. It is about the leader and not about the mission. Some very large organizations and churches suffer from this passion killer.

There is the passion killer of politics and turf wars. Politics kills passion because the energy of turf wars takes away from team spirit and common direction and pits groups against one another. It also fuels cynicism as good people wonder why their leaders put up with such silliness. 

Organizational culture and its leadership will either fuel or diminish passion. I would love to hear from readers about passion killers they have observed in their ministries.