The most difficult conversations that we need to have often fill us with anxiety and angst. The possibility of conflict or anger can give us knots in our stomach. Yet, the most difficult conversations are often the most important and most people can learn how to navigate them. This is what I have learned about that navigation.
First, it is important to separate our relationship (good or bad) with the individual we are talking to from the issue at hand. Issues are neutral, just what currently is and it is the issue that we want to focus on. This takes it out of the realm of relationship and focuses the conversation where it really belongs.
Second, It is important to be clear on what issue(s) one is going to address. Clarity in these conversations is very important. Rather than beating around the bush it is important to clearly state the issue in a definitive way. "My concerns are that you are not paying attention to the team you are leading which is causing conflict among team members," for example. Before you talk, be sure that you can clearly articulate what your concerns are and that we have thought through how you will present the concerns in a way that will be clearly understood.
Third, manage your emotions. This is not always easy but to the extent that one can have a conversation around issues without it becoming emotional on your part you are far more likely to have a productive conversation. Emotions elevate the tension in the room while keeping them under control brings the tension down. The one we are talking to may get emotional but our job is to keep our emotions under control.
Fourth, state facts as you see them but do not go to motivations. We never truly know motivations and even if we suspect they are problematic it is best to keep to facts. When addressing things that you suspect to be true but don't know say something like, "My perception is that you do not enjoy leading a team which is why you have not paid it proper attention, is that correct?" This gets at the issue but avoids making a definitive statement that may or may not be true and it invites a response which should lead to a dialogue.
Fifth, invite a response. You might say, "These are the issues that concern me, how do you see it?" This allows a conversation to begin which can lead to some kind of clarity through the next strategy.
Sixth, ask questions, listen carefully and don't interrupt. Questions invite exploration of the issues at hand. Listening shows respect - and it may take some patience. If you don't agree with the perspective of the other individual don't debate them, Rather, simply restate how you see it. Unhealthy individuals will often try to rope you in to a debate because they can manipulate through wearing you down. Don't go there. Simply restate what you believe to be true. One interesting question to ask is, "If you were in my shoes, how would you handle this?"
Seven, ask them to think through your concerns and that you desire a further conversation to bring the issue to resolution. If you have already thought through the options you are willing to put on the table state these clearly. Don't beat around the bush, just clearly state the options you see as possible. If what you want is a resignation, make the options as unattractive as possible.
If I could name one thing that is absolutely critical in these conversations it is maximum clarity. We often fail to be absolutely clear out of fear but clarity is what the other party needs if there is going to be resolution. Ambiguity on our part invites an ambiguous response.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
leave when they want you to stay rather than when they want you to leave
One of the toughest issues for leaders is to know when to leave. In both the church and broader ministry world I have watched way to many leaders stay beyond their effectiveness and literally have to be pushed out of their leadership role because they hang onto it so tenaciously. Many around them know it is time but they refuse to acknowledge that. It puts both the board and the organization in a tough place. How do we move a leader on who needs to move on?
A friend recently observed that if we leave when our constituency wants to stay we are always welcome back. On the other hand if we leave when they finally convince you to leave the situation is much different because we have overstayed our welcome and created issues in the process.
How do we know when it is time? First when we have taken the ministry as far as we can take it there is no question it is time. We may have literally run out of ideas and ability to take the ministry to the next level. That is not a criticism of us it is just the reality of how we are wired. We have done what we could do and now it is time for someone else to step in who has the ability to take what we have led to the next level.
Second, when we start to get feedback from staff that we are not moving ahead and they get restless we need to pay close attention. Staff are a barometer of how we are doing in many cases. Often leaders feel this restlessness from their staff but choose not to give them permission to speak candidly and honestly to us. Thus they may be talking to one another but not to us, not because they would not if asked but because we have not given them permission. We become the last ones to know what they are really thinking.
Third, since most of us report to a board if we are in a senior position there needs to be an opportunity from time to time to candidly discuss our leadership and how we are doing as leaders. Don't wait to have this discussion when things are going badly. Start this discussion when things are going well in order to establish a culture where honest and candid dialogue can take place. That allows us to talk together over time which makes it more likely we can be honest about our leadership.
There is a key principle that all leaders need to understand but that many do not. What we lead does not belong to us. We are stewards for a season. Seasons have a beginning and an end. And as stewards rather than owners we need to place the needs of the ministry above our own preferences or desires. Knowing when to leave a ministry is about understanding what the ministry needs rather than what we want. That is a crucial distinction.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
A friend recently observed that if we leave when our constituency wants to stay we are always welcome back. On the other hand if we leave when they finally convince you to leave the situation is much different because we have overstayed our welcome and created issues in the process.
How do we know when it is time? First when we have taken the ministry as far as we can take it there is no question it is time. We may have literally run out of ideas and ability to take the ministry to the next level. That is not a criticism of us it is just the reality of how we are wired. We have done what we could do and now it is time for someone else to step in who has the ability to take what we have led to the next level.
Second, when we start to get feedback from staff that we are not moving ahead and they get restless we need to pay close attention. Staff are a barometer of how we are doing in many cases. Often leaders feel this restlessness from their staff but choose not to give them permission to speak candidly and honestly to us. Thus they may be talking to one another but not to us, not because they would not if asked but because we have not given them permission. We become the last ones to know what they are really thinking.
Third, since most of us report to a board if we are in a senior position there needs to be an opportunity from time to time to candidly discuss our leadership and how we are doing as leaders. Don't wait to have this discussion when things are going badly. Start this discussion when things are going well in order to establish a culture where honest and candid dialogue can take place. That allows us to talk together over time which makes it more likely we can be honest about our leadership.
There is a key principle that all leaders need to understand but that many do not. What we lead does not belong to us. We are stewards for a season. Seasons have a beginning and an end. And as stewards rather than owners we need to place the needs of the ministry above our own preferences or desires. Knowing when to leave a ministry is about understanding what the ministry needs rather than what we want. That is a crucial distinction.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
The secret sauce to long term ministry success. It may not be what you think
What is the secret sauce to long term ministry success. It is not strategy. It is not brilliance. It is not the latest idea from a high profile ministry leader. It is not the ability to gather a large number of people.
There are three components that make up the secret sauce of long term ministry success: The right people, trusting relationships and shared values. With those three ingredients there is no telling what can happen.
The right people are those who are good at what they do, team focused, kingdom minded and humble. That last descriptor is a non-negotiable because without humility there will not be team and collaboration.
Trusting relationships built over time are critical for long term success. Such relationships are built by time together, common objectives, a humble stance that values other members of the team and cares about the whole more than my part.
Then there is the key ingredient of shared values. This is one of the most absent ingredients in ministry organizations. Shared values are like cement in an organization. They also provide the non-negotiables that everyone is committed to. As Henry Cloud says so well, "Leaders get what they create or allow." Culture is created by shared values and where those are clear the secret sauce is present.
We often go after strategies and doing things before we create the environment or ethos that can make those strategies successful. The secret sauce must precede action. Where it does not one gets confusion and often ministry conflict. Get the sauce right and there is significant potential.
There are three components that make up the secret sauce of long term ministry success: The right people, trusting relationships and shared values. With those three ingredients there is no telling what can happen.
The right people are those who are good at what they do, team focused, kingdom minded and humble. That last descriptor is a non-negotiable because without humility there will not be team and collaboration.
Trusting relationships built over time are critical for long term success. Such relationships are built by time together, common objectives, a humble stance that values other members of the team and cares about the whole more than my part.
Then there is the key ingredient of shared values. This is one of the most absent ingredients in ministry organizations. Shared values are like cement in an organization. They also provide the non-negotiables that everyone is committed to. As Henry Cloud says so well, "Leaders get what they create or allow." Culture is created by shared values and where those are clear the secret sauce is present.
We often go after strategies and doing things before we create the environment or ethos that can make those strategies successful. The secret sauce must precede action. Where it does not one gets confusion and often ministry conflict. Get the sauce right and there is significant potential.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
IF can be a dangerous word
How often we think, "If I had...., If things had been different..., If I had known..." Or some variation on that. There are all kinds of ifs in life but none that matter much. They don't matter because we need to live in reality, with what is, rather than what might have been.
In fact, If can be a dangerous word because it allows us to live in the world of what is not rather than what is. As someone has wisely said, "Don't resaw the sawdust." It is a waste of time. What is not a waste of time is focusing on what is and how we make the most of what God has given us.
This applies to leadership as well. "If that gift had come in...., If that individual had not done what they did....and the list goes on. Leaders don't deal in ifs but in reality whether good or bad. When we deal in reality we can focus our attention on what we need to do today rather than what we wish had been the case in the past.
Wise individuals leave the ifs alone and deal with the present reality. They don't live in the what if world but in the current reality.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
In fact, If can be a dangerous word because it allows us to live in the world of what is not rather than what is. As someone has wisely said, "Don't resaw the sawdust." It is a waste of time. What is not a waste of time is focusing on what is and how we make the most of what God has given us.
This applies to leadership as well. "If that gift had come in...., If that individual had not done what they did....and the list goes on. Leaders don't deal in ifs but in reality whether good or bad. When we deal in reality we can focus our attention on what we need to do today rather than what we wish had been the case in the past.
Wise individuals leave the ifs alone and deal with the present reality. They don't live in the what if world but in the current reality.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Every ministry architect needs a general contractor
If there is a secret to the significant change that the EFCA mission has walked through in the past eleven years it is that I did not attempt to do it alone but was joined at the hip with another - and then surrounded by a great senior team. Let me explain.
Like many leaders I am what I call an architect by wiring. God has given me the ability to see what can be and look five to ten years in the future. Like an architect I can envision what the ministry could be and the macro pieces that will be needed to see it happen. God has given the ability to think conceptually - which is what architects do. Many senior leaders have similar wiring. It is simply how God made me.
Architects, however have a different skill set than does a general contractor. Those who are wired as general contractors have the unique ability to take what the architect has drawn and ensure that it is translated into reality. Architects draw pictures while general contractors run process, hire sub contractors and make sure that the right thing is done at the right time so that things are done in order and properly. No architect is successful without a requisite general contractor and general contractors rely on the architect for the picture of what could be.
If you translate this into my world as a senior leader who paints the picture I need a general contractor who can help translate that picture into reality by finding the right people and running the right process to build what is on the picture one step at a time. If the skill of the architect is the picture, the skill of the general contractor is process.
Ministry leaders like me need a general contractor like my sidekick Gary Hunter whose complimentary skills in running process can bring a ministry structure and strategy to reality. The partnership between myself and Gary were and are critical in building a fabulous senior team and running the change process we have been through. I could not have done it alone and I never ignore the counsel of my partner.
Senior leaders who operate without a partner to help build what they envision find themselves in trouble on a regular basis. The two skills are different but both are necessary to see success. It takes a non-threatened senior leader, however, because the general contractor's influence is found throughout the ministry. They may not be in front but they make it happen.
If you are a senior leader, do you have a general contractor beside you whom you work with, listen to and empower? If not you are missing one of the key secrets of long term success.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
Like many leaders I am what I call an architect by wiring. God has given me the ability to see what can be and look five to ten years in the future. Like an architect I can envision what the ministry could be and the macro pieces that will be needed to see it happen. God has given the ability to think conceptually - which is what architects do. Many senior leaders have similar wiring. It is simply how God made me.
Architects, however have a different skill set than does a general contractor. Those who are wired as general contractors have the unique ability to take what the architect has drawn and ensure that it is translated into reality. Architects draw pictures while general contractors run process, hire sub contractors and make sure that the right thing is done at the right time so that things are done in order and properly. No architect is successful without a requisite general contractor and general contractors rely on the architect for the picture of what could be.
If you translate this into my world as a senior leader who paints the picture I need a general contractor who can help translate that picture into reality by finding the right people and running the right process to build what is on the picture one step at a time. If the skill of the architect is the picture, the skill of the general contractor is process.
Ministry leaders like me need a general contractor like my sidekick Gary Hunter whose complimentary skills in running process can bring a ministry structure and strategy to reality. The partnership between myself and Gary were and are critical in building a fabulous senior team and running the change process we have been through. I could not have done it alone and I never ignore the counsel of my partner.
Senior leaders who operate without a partner to help build what they envision find themselves in trouble on a regular basis. The two skills are different but both are necessary to see success. It takes a non-threatened senior leader, however, because the general contractor's influence is found throughout the ministry. They may not be in front but they make it happen.
If you are a senior leader, do you have a general contractor beside you whom you work with, listen to and empower? If not you are missing one of the key secrets of long term success.
All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence, are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.
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