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Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Five ways we can create conflict when trying to avoid it

 


It is ironic, but there are many ways to seek to avoid conflict that actually creates it. Think about this:

One: When we try to please others by not telling them what we really think in an attempt to keep the peace, we often unintentionally create a later conflict since our words do not match our true thoughts. Our true convictions come out at some point, and the lack of honesty on the front end creates conflict on the back end.

Two: When we tell one person one thing and another a different thing in order to keep the peace, we eventually create conflict because the two versions don't match up. One of the signs of good EQ is the ability to be defined by what we believe, no matter what the response might be. And to stay in a relationship with those who might disagree with us at the same time. 

Three: When we simply avoid the issues and pretend that they are not there, the end result is far deeper conflict than we could have wished for. Sweeping issues under the rug only leave them for another day when the number of undressed issues is now larger and the potential conflict equally larger. Church boards are often guilty of this. The thinking is that "If we ignore the issues, they will go away." They don't go away. In fact, they get worse, and when you finally do confront them, they are now larger issues than they were.

Four: When we engage in passive-aggressive behavior, hiding our true thoughts and allowing them to emerge in other ways creates even greater conflict because it is disingenuous. This strategy is all too common, and it creates relational chaos since one thing is said, but another thing is lived out. 

Five: When we lie about the conflict or issues that are causing division to get our way, we create larger issues in the future when the truth comes out. This tactic is not uncommon if one wants to create sympathy for their own point of view. However, eventually, truth prevails, and at that point, we now lose our own credibility.

There are many ways to create conflict by avoiding it. There is no upside to not putting issues on the table. We may think there is, but our strategies to avoid conflict actually make even deeper conflict inevitable. Boards and staff teams are guilty of this all the time, and it does not yield healthy results.




Thursday, March 17, 2022

Lessons I have learned in working with church conflict

 

After many years of working with churches that find themselves in conflictual situations, I have concluded that there are six non-negotiable principles for a successful outcome.

First, an outside facilitator is usually necessary. The nature of conflict is that people take sides so it becomes very difficult for anyone from within to play the role of a neutral mediator. In fact, the larger the conflict the more critical it is that the individual you bring in is trusted by both sides to have the best interests of the church at heart. The sooner you bring someone in when it is clear that the situation is dangerous the better.

Second, the issues that are fueling the conflict need to be brought into the light. Conflict thrives in the shadows, in gossip, in cliques, in assumptions and behind the scenes. Bringing all the competing agendas, attitudes and positions into the light and allowing all members of the congregation to understand what is being said, what is happening and what the issues are takes the mystique out of the situation and allows everyone to respond from a position of knowledge. It also removes the power of those who have an agenda but have not been willing to make it public but have instead been putting on pressure from behind the scenes. Getting everything on the table allows all stakeholders to understand what is going on and to have a voice in solving the issues. Ironically, those who are most vociferous in their opinions overplay those who agree with them when in fact, if all facts were known, the majority would not agree. 

Third. Reconciliation is always preferable to disunity. This is actually a hard concept for many who have taken a position in church conflict. First, our natural tendency is to take a hard line and once we have told others about our own line-in-the-sand it is humbling to change our position. Second, the longer conflict goes on, the more we see the members of the opposing side as evil, dishonest, disingenuous, people with bad motives and once we demonize people it is hard to ever think that reconciliation is possible. 

To not be willing to consider reconciliation is to make a mockery of God's reconciliation with us and His call for us to be reconcilers. Speaking of church conflict, this is what Paul had to say to the Corinthians. "I appeal to you brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)." 

In Ephesians 4:1-6 Paul writes, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Having said that, I acknowledge that sometimes it is not going to be possible to reconcile and stay together. Sometimes it means that we part ways and speak well of one another.

Fourth, ground rules need to be established. One of the most incendiary fuels in all conflict is the absence of ground rules - what is acceptable and what is not. For a list of the ground rules that I recommend, see my blog, Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner. Or if you want to keep it very simple, look back at the passage in Ephesians 4:1-6 where he says be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. When you think about it, these characteristics are almost always lacking when conflict is taking place. What gets in our way? Pride, wanting to get our own way, anger, and our emotions.

Five, you probably will not convince everyone. There are people who don't want to reconcile. There are people whose pride is far greater than their humility and they have no desire to seek a win/win solution. In working with churches in conflict, I don't do very much to try to convince the unconvincible even if they have the loudest voices. I am looking for people of peace and reason who are willing to work together to see the church come together in unity. This does not mean that the issues that have caused disunity are swept under the rug. To the contrary, as principle two states, they are all on the table and those that need to be addressed are addressed. To do that successfully, however, it requires men and women of peace and reason, whose personal agendas do not cloud their emotions.

Who is most likely to leave in church conflict? Those who have taken a hard stand and cannot or will not compromise that stand. Frankly, it is good for them to leave because they will simply contribute to ongoing conflict if they are not willing to come together with the rest of the congregation.

Sixth: It is a process. Church conflict does not start overnight and it does not get settled overnight. It may take a year in some cases to bring the church back to health. The benefits of doing so far outweigh the trauma of either a church split (which damages churches for years to come) a powerplay by a faction in the church (which causes huge trauma to a church and a significant lack of trust) or not dealing with it at all which dooms the church to later issues.

What is needed for a healthy process is a willingness of the congregation to work together recognizing that how they handle their differences will either enhance or diminish the reputation of Jesus. If His reputation is at stake - and it is - I will do all I can to enhance it.



Additional blogs on church conflict:

Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner

8 Reasons in my experience that churches experience major conflict

Church conflict: Finding the core issue and the common source

Seven things to understand about church conflict

Church conflict, christian character and the reputation of Jesus


Saturday, March 5, 2022

Seeking a life of Peace in a world of conflict




We live in an increasingly fractured world: Divided by politics, race, international conflicts, and personal slights and offenses that become the grounds for division. The sad thing is not that such fracturing is commonplace but that it has become commonplace among God’s people and in our families and congregations. We divide over theological and personal differences; over politics; over offenses that we experience and won’t give up. We are a divided people and relational conflict is commonplace.


And we have our principles, convictions and beliefs and these often cause us to double down, refuse to forgive or to look for ways of relational peace rather than division. Our world has always been divided. But: into that divided world came a Savior whose purpose was to bridge the gap between God and ourselves and between us and those around us.


To be like Jesus is to be a peacemaker. Jesus Himself said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” To follow God is to join Him in bringing peace to our fractured world.


The world of Jesus’ day was a world of conflict and division as well. Jews and Gentiles didn’t get along. Slaves and free did not relate. Men and women were divided by how one treated the other. The differing ethnic groups that made up those ancient cities gave all kinds of reasons to live with division. And finally, the socio economic differences between rich and poor, entitled and those without power all contributed to a world of division and conflict. And into that brew comes Jesus, the One who consistently subverts the status quo and says to them all “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” 


I am sure that many who heard that statement were shocked because they had their convictions and their principles and they were sure they were right and therefore had no obligation to work toward relational peace. Yet, Jesus said, to be like God you must be a peacemaker. That is who He is. 


Jesus was called the Prince of peace. Paul writes this about His death on the cross. “For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one spirit.”  Ephesians 2:14-18


The common word in these verses is “peace.” Peace with God and peace with one another based on Christ’s work on the cross. At the cross, says Paul, Jesus destroyed the hostility between us and God and the hostility between us and our neighbor. Jesus came to bring peace and calls us to join Him in seeking peace wherever possible. 


How do we do that in a world that is so divided? Here are some of the principles Paul gives us.

  • Be devoted to one another in love.
  • Honor one another above yourselves.
  • Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.
  • Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
  • Live in harmony with one another.
  • Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position.
  • Do not be conceited.
  • Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
  • Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.
  • Do not take revenge.
  • Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

All of these instructions are found in Romans 12 and Paul sums it all up when he says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”


Jesus is calling us to a life of less conflict and more peace. To avoid division wherever possible and to contribute to peaceful relationships, especially among members of God’s family but also beyond.


As we let go of our egos and as we elevate Christ rather than ourselves, we are called here to do all we can to live in harmony, peace, and love with one another. So our question today is twofold: First, who am I divided from or have conflict with? Second, what can I do to seek to bridge that gap, just as Jesus gave His life to bridge the gap between God and us and between us together?


Peacemaking is not an easy task. It may mean that I have to forgive. It may mean that I have to humble myself to have a conversation I don’t really want to have. It may mean that I need to lay aside my pride and find ways to bless others who irritate us or who have offended us. It may mean that I need to be more tolerant of others' political choices and bless them in spite of those differences. It might mean that God is calling me to bury the hatchet of conflict and division and embrace others as Christ went to the cross to embrace me. 

As we follow in the footsteps of Jesus on His way to the cross, let's also follow in His footsteps in making peace where we currently experience conflict. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.”


Father, help me to become a person who loves peace and who is committed to making peace where there is division. In the words of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:


“Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.” Amen.


The question to consider today: Is there a relationship or situation where I can contribute to peace?


Friday, September 17, 2021

Practicing "normalizing conversations" when there is conflict

 


There are many things that can introduce conflict or awkwardness into relationships: disagreements; words spoken; actions or even second hand conversations that come back to us. It can cause us to back away from a relationship, suspect that others don't have our best interests in mind and create an invisible wall between two individuals. It happens in families, among friends and in the workplace - anywhere we have key relationships.


It is also very easy to allow that conflict, misunderstanding or break in the relationship to linger, leaving a break in the relationship. The truth is, however, that in most cases, this break in relationship can be resolved. And we should always try.


This is where normalizing conversations come in. Rather than live with our perceptions or assumptions about where the other individual is coming from, or the awkwardness that has been introduced into the relationship, normalizing conversations can clarify and remove relational walls that have been created. It is a courageous decision we make to seek peace, clarity and understanding by candidly talking to another about the events that have transpired.

Unaddressed issues between individuals create walls and distance while discussing those issues can remove those walls and bring parties closer together.

A normalizing conversation is very simple. It is taking the step to initiate a conversation in order to understand one another and remove the invisible wall that has been created by words, actions or assumptions. Choosing to initiate a conversation with another to clarify issues and create understanding  is a courageous and peacemaking practice. And too rare.

A normalizing conversation is not a confrontation but a conversation. It may or may not result in agreement but it can result in understanding. Because you have invited the other individual to be candid with you as you are with them, it removes future awkwardness in the relationship even if you did not come to agreement. It is simply a conversation to "normalize" what has become problematic.

The major barrier to such conversations is our own fear. In my experience, our fear is usually unfounded and we find the other party relieved to be able to lower the walls and understand each other. Even if the conversation is hard, it opens up the ability to communicate and creates greater understanding and that by definition almost always lowers the relational walls. It is about calming the relational waters.

I will often start such a conversation with something like this. "I know that there has been some awkwardness over (whatever the issue it is) and that it has impacted our relationship. Can we have a candid conversation about this issue and simply try to understand one another? I don't like where we are and really want to see if we can better understand one another." In almost every circumstance this leads to a productive conversation and usually the lowering of walls.

Monday, September 14, 2020

Practicing space and grace in a time of division and conflict

Our world is increasingly polarized, and it is easy for us to judge others who don't believe what we do politically, theologically, or in how they choose to live their lives. When my kids were teenagers, they told us that their friends' parents believed we were bad parents because of how we raised the boys and what we allowed them to do. In fact, we can find many reasons to judge one another within the body of Christ. Even what a speaker wears on the platform can become a subject of judgment and public comment.


The tendency to judge others for their convictions or lifestyle choices is nothing new. It happened in the church in Rome, and Paul devoted considerable attention to this topic in Romans 14 and 15. The controversy was over whether people could eat food offered to idols as the pagans regularly did, how one practiced the sabbath, and other issues where people's convictions differed. 


Paul counseled the believers in Rome to extend to one another space and grace. Space to make decisions based on their conscience in areas where there is no obvious right or wrong, and grace to resist the temptation to judge or look down on others for their choices. Paul reminded the Romans of three things in this regard.


First, we all make choices that we believe honor God, so why would we judge one another? "For none of us lives to himself alone, and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." Romans 14:7-8


Second, we will give an account of our choices to God one day. It is not our place to judge others but to ensure we live in a way that pleases God. For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.


"You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. It is written: 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me;  every tongue will acknowledge God.' So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another." Romans 14:9-13


Third, Paul uses the example of Christ, who accepts us, to encourage us to accept one another. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, to bring praise to God." Romans 15:7.


There is a wonderful beauty in the church when we can encourage one another, accept one another, and give the space and grace that Jesus gives to us. The world has enough divisiveness, and we are called to unity, peace, grace, and patience with one another. That is a congregation that is inviting and loving.


As we enter a divisive campaign season, argue over whether one's church should meet in person and navigate the views on Covid, space, and grace that are desperately in need. We cannot control what others do, but we can influence our own attitudes.








Wednesday, February 5, 2020

A no nonsense policy to deal with interpersonal conflict and gossip in the workplace



Few things destroy the health of a team or workplace more than that of triangulation and poor conflict resolution practices. In too many places, rather than resolving interpersonal conflict in a healthy manner, staff make it worse by talking to others about the one they have conflict with, gossiping with their "friends" about another individual which results in alliances being formed against other staff member(s). 

This is made worse when a staff member makes assumptions about another's motives and starts to see them through a negative lens no matter what they do. It is a lose lose proposition for the relationship and the greater team as the fallout spills over to others. 

Unfortunately many workplaces accept this is a part of their culture but they need not do so. 

Recently in working with an otherwise great organization, these issues came to the forefront and were poisoning relationships between good people. The first thing I did was to run a series of reconciliation meetings in line with my blog entitled, The Six Questions to ask in any Reconciliation Process. Not surprisingly what staff members believed to be irreconcilable differences were surprisingly easy to  clear up using this process.

When I asked how each of them had contributed to making the conflict greater, the consistent answers were:

  • I talked to others but not to the one I had an issue with
  • I assumed poor motives of the one I had conflict with
  • I created alliances with those who were my friends against the other individual
We then instituted a new policy with staff. 


We are committed to the highest level of relational health in our organization. The following is our conflict resolution policy.

When there is a conflict or personal issue between staff members it is the responsibility of those who have an issue to speak directly to the staff member with whom they have an issue. 

It is not permissible to talk to other staff members about issues one has with another staff member or to speak negatively about other staff members. This constitutes gossip,causes division, encourages others to take up another's offense and results in greater conflict and ill will. Violation of this policy can be grounds for dismissal.

If resolution is not found in a conversation with the staff member one has an issue with, the only individual it is permissible to speak with about that situation is one's supervisor. The supervisor will seek to find resolution between the two parties. Staff members involved will be expected to abide by the requirements of the supervisor for resolving the presenting issue(s). 

If necessary, the supervisor may choose to bring a higher organizational leader into the conversation to ensure resolution.

We take great pride in a culture that is healthy to work in. This policy is designed to ensure that relational health is maintained, cultivated and issues that may arise resolved in a healthy manner.

Leaders who are proactive in laying out expectations and the consequences of violating those expectations create a much different and much healthier culture than those who do nothing.


Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Why the minority voice often wins on church boards and within congregations and what to do about it


It is very frustrating to those that make up the majority when a minority voice is able to determine the outcome of church issues. This can take place at the board level or within congregations, even when the polity is one where the majority should be able to move forward. Unfortunately, it is all too common, and church leaders often allow it to happen. In my experience, there are a number of tactics that are used to manipulate a larger group by a minority group.

One. Our voices will be loud, and we will therefore give the impression that we are many. This works well behind the scenes when there is conflict over a decision and in congregational meetings where loud voices often rule the day. 

Two. We will declare that many agree with us with the implication that if you try to move forward, you will "split the church" or cause "serious conflict and division." Now I have done a great deal of conflict resolution in churches, and I have never encountered a situation where this was actually true. I have seen pastors and boards try to push things through when a majority were dissenting (it was not pretty), but when a few voices declare that there are many with them, I am often skeptical. However, this tactic often works because leaders and congregations don't want to cause undo conflict, so they back off with only the word of a few that they actually have strong support.

Three. If you move forward with that decision, we will leave. So let's call that for what it is: congregational blackmail! Since it is considered wrong to "push people out of a church," this threat is used against the majority because the minority can claim that they were indeed pushed out. What actually happened was that the minority simply chose to leave because they didn't desire to stay. 

This is often a threat that works, but it is nothing less than congregational blackmail. The same can be said for those who declare that if you move forward, they will withhold their funding. That is financial blackmail. All threats no matter what they are, by a minority voice to block the majority should be considered blackmail and should be called exactly that - in public where appropriate.

Four. If you move forward, there will be a lot of people who will be angry. Given what I said in one and two, it is unlikely that a lot of people will be angry. Also, any time you make any decisions in a church, someone is likely to disagree, but if that is the criteria by which we make decisions, no decisions would be made. While this strikes fear in many congregants, it is emotional blackmail by those using the tactic.

One of the fundamental reasons that all these threats work is that most people are conflict resistant. They don't want to have to negotiate conflict, they are afraid of conflict, and they especially don't like conflicts in the church with people they know. Unless leaders understand this and speak to it, such threats often work to the chagrin of the majority of the congregation or board. Fear keeps leaders and congregations from moving forward in the face of threats. 

So how do you counter these tactics? Especially when you have an entrenched individual or group where dialogue and reasoning has not done anything to change their minds?

First, I would suggest that you look at the tactics of the minority group and ask whether they fit any of the scenarios above. Perhaps I have missed something but be willing to name the tactic that is being used for what it is. Explain to the individual or group involved that their tactics are not fair or honest and see if reasoning will change their behaviors.

Second, if reasoning fails, which it often will, I would encourage the board or leadership to share with the congregation what they believe to be true. That you believe this is a minority view, that you have tried to reason with them, and that you believe that for the good of the ministry, the church needs to move forward. It is possible to say these things in a way that does not disparage but does speak the truth. If leaders are cowed, the congregation will be as well. If leaders are courageous and forthright, the congregation is likely to follow. 

Third, if this is a significant decision and there is no clarity on what is actually happening, bring in a third party to ascertain what is really going on. It is not hard for a disinterested and experienced third party to evaluate the situation and determine the actual facts rather than hearsay. 

Finally, in all of these discussions, remember that what is at stake is the health and effectiveness of the Body of Christ, The Bride. Don't compromise the work of God out of fear! 


TJ Addington (Addington Consulting) has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

"Creating cultures of organizational excellence."




Monday, November 26, 2018

Three ways that organizational conflict can be a help rather than a hinderance

Typically, we think of conflict as a negative event when it occurs. The truth, however, is that conflict is often a blessing in disguise and being aware of its potential up side can help us leverage it in productive ways. Consider these up sides of conflict.

One: Conflict is often an early warning system that the organizational system needs revamping
Organizations don't just grow, they change. Their environments change, their needs change and the organizational structure that worked at one time no longer works as it did. The reason is simple: What got you to here got you to here. It will not get you to there.

When the old way of doing things has run its course and is no longer working, conflict often occurs. There may be disagreements on strategy, tension between leaders or teams, frustration with work flow and substandard results. All of these, and other manifestations of conflict are warning you that it is time to relook at how you are doing things and what you are doing. In this case, conflict is warning you that things need to change! If you don't ignore the warning sign it can help you move forward. If you ignore it, the conflict will become worse.

Two, conflict may be telling you that greater clarity is needed
When there is not organizational clarity, leaders, teams or individuals step in and provide their own clarity. Inevitably this will result in conflict as competing ideas of who we are and what we are about collide with one another. In this case, the conflict is telling you that you need to clarify your clarity so that alignment is possible and everyone is working toward the same goals.

Ironically, the process of refining your clarity may bring greater conflict as ideas and people vie for their definition. This is good as it is in the clash of ideas that the best ideas are born. But until you come to agreement on who you are and what you are about you will never get alignment and without alignment you will never reach your organizational potential. In this case the conflict is telling you that you don't have adequate alignment and agreement.

Three: Conflict may be telling you that there are individuals who are not operating from a place of healthy EQ (Emotional Intelligence)
Healthy EQ is essential for healthy organizations. People who have unhealthy EQ can be defensive, closed to feedback, create conflict with those around them and are often responsible for relational issues with those around them. When there is a pattern of relational conflict around an individual you are probably dealing with an EQ issues that needs to be resolved.

It is easy to overlook these situations out of fear of conflict. Yet their behaviors are creating conflict already and disempowering those who are impacted by their relational issues. Not to deal with this is to sentence those in proximity to the effects of their behavior. 

When conflict pops up in your organization don't assume it is a bad thing. It is probably telling you something and understanding what it is saying can be valuable to your ongoing success.