Growing health and effectiveness
Sunday, September 14, 2025
How self definition can impact your leadership
Sunday, September 7, 2025
How many friends do you have who have no agenda except to be your friend?
Wednesday, September 3, 2025
In any church conflict it is important to find the core issue and the common source
Saturday, August 30, 2025
Six non-negotiable principles for a successful outcome in church conflict
After many years of working with churches that find themselves in conflictual situations, I have concluded that there are six non-negotiable principles for a successful outcome.
First, an outside facilitator is usually necessary. The nature of conflict is that people take sides, making it very difficult for anyone within to play the role of a neutral mediator. In fact, the larger the conflict, the more critical it is that the individual you bring in is trusted by both sides to have the best interests of the church at heart. The sooner you bring someone in when it is clear that the situation is dangerous, the better.
An outside facilitator must come with a neutral stance and be willing to genuinely listen to all sides, with the desire to find the truth. When I have played this role, I made it clear to the board as a precondition that I would listen attentively, gather information, and share my conclusions with the congregation without seeking board approval for that report first. If they were unwilling to agree to this, I would not help them because factions often exist on the board level as well and I had to be impartial in my findings and recommendations.
The board and the congregation still had to decide whether they would accept my recommendations but I needed the ability to share what I learned openly and honestly. The rest was up to them - and I was of course willing to help them with the next steps.
I cannot overemphasize that a neutral outside individual or individuals can be critical in church conflict resolution. When I held that role, I had to convey some difficult messages to various groups within the church, and I needed to do so honestly, fairly, and without worrying about how people would react. When reporting back to the congregation, I would always ask them how candid they wanted me to be. They would say very candid and I would respond, "I will do that but understand that I will likely make all of you unhappy with something I say." Getting their permission to speak freely and warning them that my findings and recommendations might not be pleasing to them gave me the freedom to speak openly and gave them a heads up that it might not always be to their liking.
Here is the thing. Spin does not work in conflict. Only truth works - hard as it might be to hear.
Second, the issues that are fueling the conflict need to be brought into the light. Conflict thrives in the shadows, in gossip, in cliques, in assumptions, and behind the scenes. Bringing all the competing agendas, attitudes, and positions into the light and allowing all members of the congregation to understand what is being said, what is happening, and what the issues are takes the mystique out of the situation, allowing everyone to respond from a position of knowledge. It also removes the power of those who have an agenda but have not been willing to make it public, instead exerting pressure from behind the scenes. Getting everything on the table allows all stakeholders to understand what is happening and to have a voice in resolving the issues. Ironically, those who are most vociferous in their opinions often exaggerate their support when, in fact, if all facts were known, the majority would not agree. Bringing the issues, actions, and words out of the shadows is key to successful resolution.
Third. Reconciliation is always preferable to disunity. This is actually a hard concept for many who have taken a position in church conflict. First, our natural tendency is to take a hard line, and once we have told others about our own line in the sand, it is humbling to change our position. Second, the longer the conflict persists, the more we tend to view members of the opposing side as evil, dishonest, and disingenuous, with bad motives. Once we demonize people, it becomes difficult to envision reconciliation as a possibility.
Not being willing to consider reconciliation is to make a mockery of God's reconciliation with us and His call for us to be reconcilers. Speaking of church conflict, this is what Paul had to say to the Corinthians. "I appeal to you brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)."
In Ephesians 4:1-6 Paul writes, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Having said that, it may not be possible to reconcile and stay together. Sometimes it means that we part ways and speak well of one another.
Fourth, ground rules need to be established. One of the most incendiary fuels in all conflict is the absence of ground rules - what is acceptable and what is not. For a list of the ground rules that I recommend, see my blog, Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner. Or, if you want to keep it very simple, look back at the passage in Ephesians 4:1-6, where he says to be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. When you think about it, these characteristics are almost always lacking during conflict. What gets in our way? Pride, wanting to get our own way, anger, and our emotions.
Five, you may not convince everyone. There are people who don't want to reconcile. There are people whose pride exceeds their humility, and they have no desire to seek a win-win solution.
In working with churches in conflict, I don't do very much to try to convince the unconvincible, even if they have the loudest voices.
I am seeking individuals who are committed to peace and reason and are willing to collaborate in promoting unity within the church. This does not mean that the issues that have caused disunity are swept under the rug. To the contrary, as principle two states, they are all on the table, and those that need to be addressed are addressed. To do that successfully, however, it requires men and women of peace and reason, whose personal agendas do not cloud their emotions.
Who is most likely to leave in a church conflict? Those who have taken a hard stand and cannot or will not compromise that stand. Frankly, it is good for them to leave because they will simply contribute to ongoing conflict if they are not willing to come together with the rest of the congregation.
Sixth: It is a process. Church conflict does not start overnight, and it does not get settled overnight. In some cases, it may take a year to bring the church back to health. The benefits of doing so far outweigh the trauma of either a church split (which damages churches for years to come), a power play by a faction in the church (which causes huge trauma to a church and a significant lack of trust), or not dealing with it at all, which dooms the church to later issues.
What is needed for a healthy process is a willingness of the congregation to work together, recognizing that how they handle their differences will either enhance or diminish the reputation of Jesus. If his reputation is at stake—and it is—I will do all I can to enhance it.
Friday, August 29, 2025
Ten principles for handling conflict in the church
One: Disagreement and expressing that disagreement is not wrong. Some are afraid to share their opinions because they have been told that to do so is gossip. It is not. All of us have the right to share our views in the church, provided we do so in a healthy manner. It is unhealthy to try to shut down discussion in the church. It is OK to talk. It's OK to express our views. It is OK to differ with others.
Two: Gossip is sin. Gossip is "idle talk or rumor, especially about personal or private affairs of others" (Wikipedia). Gossip differs from sharing our opinion, as it concerns the motivations or actions of others and is generally destructive in nature. Scriptures are clear that gossip is wrong. Gossip includes questioning the motives of others, passing along third-party information as fact, and denigrating others. Disagreement or stating our views is not gossip; it is simply expressing what we think.
Three. Robust dialogue is healthy. Robust dialogue means that we can discuss any issue, except for personal attacks or hidden agendas. There are differing views within congregations on a variety of issues. It is good to talk about those things, but to do so without personal attacks, hidden agendas, or language that inflames rather than informs. Healthy leaders invite healthy dialogue and listen to those who speak.
Four: Unity in diversity is critical. Unity within the body of Christ is a high value in Scripture. Congregations are made up of different views, opinions, social and ethnic backgrounds, but it is the Holy Spirit that binds us together as one. Each of us has the same Holy Spirit in his or her heart , and that spirit is a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. If we live in His Spirit, we can have differences and still remain united as one body. As Paul put it in Ephesians 4:3, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."
Five: Being able to disagree and stay in relationship is good Emotional Intelligence and demonstrates the work of the Holy Spirit. Each of us has preferences and opinions on many things in the church. What we want to be able to do is state those positions while remaining in fellowship and friendship with those who hold differing positions. This is not always easy, but it is Biblical.
Six: By extension, marginalizing or demonizing those who disagree with us is bad Emotional Intelligence and does not reflect the Holy Spirit. It is one thing to disagree with someone. It is another to believe that they are bad people because they think differently and to allow our differences to shatter our relationships, trust, or to see them as evil. This does not reflect the will of the Holy Spirit.
Seven: Taking on the offense of others is foolish and wrong. My best friend has an issue with someone in the church, so out of friendship, I take up their offense and allow their issue to become my issue. This is foolish and wrong because I have allowed my friend to alienate me from others when I have no personal reason to do so. Nor can I resolve an issue that is not my issue. It happens in families and congregations, and it contributes to greater conflict.
Eight: The church is the Bride of Christ, and therefore, we must display the attitude of Christ toward one another even when we differ from one another. The church is unlike any other organization, for it is the Bride of Jesus and His chosen instrument for reaching the world. We of all people need to be His people in good times and in hard times. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Nine: Forgiveness is often needed when we have conflict. We need not apologize for having differing views and perspectives but we do need to apologize when our words, attitudes or actions get the best of us and we say or do things that are not pleasing to God. I have often had to apologize in times of conflict. God is pleased when we keep short accounts and forgive those who need forgiveness and seek forgiveness when we need it.
Ten: Pray diligently! When we focus on ourselves we want to be right and win. When we focus on God we start to see those who differ with us in a different light and desire God to win. In prayer, our hearts are often softened and changed, our humility is increased and our desire for a Godly solution is heightened.
There will be conflict this side of heaven. Lets do all we can to handle it well.
Sunday, August 24, 2025
When we take on the issues of others rather than keeping our own counsel
Saturday, August 23, 2025
When none of your options are good options
Wednesday, August 13, 2025
A quick start to understanding the culture of the organization you are a part of
Take a moment to reflect on the organization you are part of. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no. You might also consider asking a few colleagues to do the same and then compare your responses. Be honest, and don't worry about your answers. If you are a leader, remember that your staff as a group may have a different perspective than you do. But questions like these can help you at least think more deeply about the culture that currently exists in your organization. Answer with a simple yes or no.
- We have a remarkably healthy culture in our organization.
- Most relationships here can be characterized as healthy.
- I genuinely enjoy working here and intend to remain with the organization.
- We can engage in robust dialogue where any issue can be discussed openly without personal agendas or hidden attacks.
- Staff members are listened to and actively invited to participate in decision making where appropriate.
- Some individuals here do not treat others well, showing unkindness and creating difficulties for their colleagues.
- Our mission, values, direction, and expected behaviors are clearly defined.
- I can articulate our mission, values, direction, and behaviors quickly.
- There is alignment throughout the organization concerning these principles.
- There are some areas with an unhealthy culture within the organization.
- All people on our staff have an appropriate voice at the table.
- We confront and address toxic behaviors effectively.
- Our staff is highly engaged in their work.
- I would describe our leaders as humble, approachable and non-defensive.
- My supervisor knows the name of my spouse (if married) and my children.
- There exists an underlying level of cynicism among staff members towards leaders.
- My supervisor often engages me in meaningful dialogue and listens rather than issuing unilateral directives.
- I feel empowered to perform my job effectively, with minimal micromanagement.
- There are individuals in the organization whose competencies are questionable and who create challenges for those around them.
- At times, I feel more like a means to an end rather than a unique individual with particular gifts and abilities.
- My strengths are fully utilized in my work.
- I am free to share any concerns regarding the company with my supervisor without holding anything back.
- I believe I am compensated fairly for my contributions
- If there were a job opening, I would encourage my best friend to apply.
- I would appreciate discussions about the importance of a healthy culture and its implications for our organization.
- If asked, I could identify at least three areas of our culture that could be improved.
- The dominant culture actively works to welcome, include, and appreciate members of minority cultures within our organization.
- Knowing what I know now, I would apply for my job again.
- We strive to ensure that our portrayal aligns with our true identity.
- We allow poor behavior to go unchallenged.
- I would describe our leaders as level five: humble, serving their staff well, open and non-defensive, and contributing to a great workplace.
- We have unspoken rules that are only revealed when one crosses a hidden line.
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Saturday, August 9, 2025
Healthy cultures are built by humble leaders

Healthy leaders can build amazingly healthy cultures if they set their minds to it and make it a priority. There are several traits of healthy leaders that can directly contribute to making the culture you have better, healthier, more effective, and better serve your mission. It starts with a posture of humility.
If ego is the enemy, then humility is your best friend. While some may view humility as a sign of weakness, it is, in fact, a sign of strength: the strength to see things as they truly are, the strength to listen to perspectives we may not naturally agree with, and the strength to accept difficult feedback. At every level of life, humility represents strength under control. Only truly strong individuals can embody humility.
Humble leaders embrace the belief that they have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide. They don't need to be defensive. Instead, they focus on guiding a mission rather than pursuing a personal agenda. They lead collaboratively, recognizing that diverse perspectives contribute to the best solutions.
A key trait of a humble leader is their genuine care and concern for others. Unlike ego-driven leaders, who use people to achieve their own goals, humble leaders prioritize serving others. They strive to help individuals reach their full potential while working towards a shared mission. This approach fosters an environment where people are valued, their talents are nurtured, and the collective mission is successfully achieved. Humble leaders genuinely value and care about their team members!
The humility of leaders fosters a culture of humility throughout the entire organization, creating a powerful ripple effect. When an organization believes it has everything figured out and acts from a place of pride, it often becomes resistant to change. In contrast, organizations embodying corporate humility are more likely to seek better solutions and embrace innovation and new ideas. There is no substitute for humble leadership.
Monday, August 4, 2025
The secret of being a self defined leader who can also stay in relationship
One of the key elements of Emotional Intelligence is the
ability to negotiate relationships. It is the inability to negotiate relationships successfully that
is at the root of a great deal of unnecessary conflict. One of the critical
skills of good EQ is being self-defined. A self-defined individual can tell you what they think even when they know that you will disagree
with their position. They don’t insist that you see the world as they do, and
they are OK if you don’t.
However, the second part of self-definition is also important. I can
disagree with you and still be in a relationship with you. Think about that in
terms of the political divisions that are tearing up America and much of the
world.
This is what it means to be able to negotiate relationships in a healthy
way. Poor EQ will state a position and insist that you agree with it. If you
don’t, you are marginalized and demonized. After all, you don’t get it. Good EQ,
on the other hand, can negotiate relationships with people who
are very different from us. This skill is needed in a diverse world, whether
inside or outside the workplace. The ability to disagree, engage in honest, candid dialogue, and still stay connected would prevent a lot of conflict.
This ability for leaders is crucial to creating cultures of open and candid dialogue. By taking a position that may not be popular (which is how all innovation or improvement usually begins) a leader is encouraging others to do the same. It is then in the clash of these views and perspectives that the best solutions are typically found. The alternative is the common groupthink behavior that stifles and hinders progress.
To this point, healthy leaders don’t have a problem with apologizing when
necessary. Even when they don’t really need to, they do it because it will alleviate
stress or controversy. I recall a time when I made what turned out to be a
controversial decision (the right decision, but one that was hard for my
organization to swallow). Being a blogger, I wrote a blog post for my staff
entitled “Just get over it!” My intention was to explain the decision further
and then encourage people to move on.
Unfortunately, many took offense at the blog title. I apologized (though
I didn’t need to, but I wanted to lower the angst) and wrote a new blog titled
“Build a Bridge and get over it.” It was a way to apologize for how my prior
communication had come across and give me another chance to move us forward. It
worked, but I had to apologize for it to work.
Healthy leaders keep short accounts. One of my practices is to “Walk
toward the barking dog.” If I have offended someone or created an issue, rather
than walking the other direction, I will engage the individual, seek
understanding, and do whatever is necessary to put the issue to rest so we can
move on.
These may seem like small things, but they are not. Much of our leadership capital is based on relationships. The
ability to negotiate healthy win-win relationships is a key to good leadership
and reflects good EQ.
Friday, August 1, 2025
Becoming aware of our own Leadership derailers
If you lead others, there is a good chance that you also struggle with leadership derailers. Actually, every leader does. The question is not whether they have potential derailers but whether they know what their derailers might be.
Derailers are behaviors, words, actions, or responses that prevent us
from acting maturely as leaders. For
instance, the CEO who does not like to be challenged and responds defensively
when they are, shutting down critical discussions that senior teams need to have, is dealing with derailment behavior. His/her defensive behavior is a derailer. The behavior is immature leadership, which could threaten their ability to lead well.
Leaders who do not accept and even solicit feedback from others exhibit
derailing tendencies. Their lack of receptiveness to the input of those they
work with prevents them from seeing themselves clearly and the state of the
organization they lead. Their inability to listen to others and accept feedback
creates a toxic environment because candid dialogue cannot be had, and real
issues cannot be addressed.
Ironically, it takes the input of others to help us understand our
derailing tendencies, where our leadership is coming from immature emotional
intelligence rather than mature. It highlights the importance of leaders
being inquisitive about their own emotional intelligence, receptive to feedback
from others, and committed to addressing the derailing tendencies that
negatively impact their team members.
Here is something to consider. Most derailers are not about competency but rather about the emotional intelligence of the leader and how their EQ hurts their leadership, the organization, and those they work with.
It is relatively easy to recognize the derailers in other leaders because we have experienced them. It is often harder to see them in ourselves because we are used to our tendencies. This is where we need people around us who we give permission to speak into our lives and leadership.
Leadership derailers can be simple, such as the tendency to not solicit feedback from others or ask the kinds of questions that would give us insights into what is truly happening in the organization or team we lead. They can also be more complex, such as narcissistic tendencies that elevate our own leadership at the expense of others. In either case, it comes down to an EQ issue where we have a needed growth opportunity. Derailers hurt our leadership, and they hurt those we lead if not recognized and addressed.
When I led teams and
organizations, I would periodically ask my associates if I did anything that
really irritated them. Is there anything I am doing that you think others
should do? Is there anything you wish you could discuss with someone, but haven't felt free to do so? In this way, I was being proactive in
soliciting feedback and permitting them at the same time to speak candidly.
In the Intelligent Leadership coaching of the John Mattone Global
organization, we help leaders understand their leadership styles' relative
maturity or immaturity to move toward healthier leadership. This is achieved
through a combination of healthy discussions, testing, 360-degree feedback,
personal development plans, and a coaching process designed to foster the
learning of new behaviors.
The challenge for anyone who leads others is to give permission and opportunity for those around us to speak candidly with us about potential derailers in our leadership. It could make the difference between a highly successful leadership tenure and one that comes off the tracks prematurely.
Tuesday, January 21, 2025
Evangelical deconstruction: not of faith but of the church.
- Senior church leaders who are narcissistic to the core create a toxic atmosphere on staff while proclaiming the love of Jesus from the stage.
- The end result of narcissistic leaders is that many people get hurt: run over, marginalized, and, if they disagree with something, run out. No one cares.
- Church boards do not hold such leaders accountable, allowing the toxicity to continue and hurting people. It is easier not to rock the boat, especially if the numbers are growing!
- On Sunday mornings, the church presents a "face" by what happens on the stage. It is happy, optimistic, faith-filled, and Spirit-led. Behind the facade is a toxic staff and a board that facilitates the toxicity to continue. In other words, there is no alignment between the stage, the staff, and the board regarding health or spirituality.
- Rather than focusing on the two cardinal commands for the church to love God and love people, the staff creates programs that give people the illusion that these things are happening. Still, it is about the program, not about individual practice.
- There is little to no disciplemaking strategy in the church, even though the mandate to create disciples is central to the mandate Jesus gave the church.
- While the church is always looking for volunteers for their programs, there is not a culture where people are invited to find their gifts and use them for the Kingdom in meaningful ways. Instead, come to the welcome center, and we will tell you where you can fit. All ministry is tightly controlled.
- The prayer and spiritual commitment of staff and board are virtually nonexistent. There is no time for such things or that great an interest. There is too much time on programming to spend extraneous time on spiritual issues.
- The stage is performance rather than worship. The difference between a rock concert and worship has become blurred. Teaching is a TED Talk of self-help rather than an exposition of the Scriptures.
- First impressions give the impression that we are one happy family, while the reality behind the scenes is much different. In fact, if you choose to challenge the system, you quickly find that you are no longer a part of the family, and you are discarded. Over time, the bodies pile up on the side of the road.