Self disclosure

You see them on television, calmly smoking cigars, wearing sunglasses as they play for high stakes in poker tournaments. The one thing that is true for all of them is that you cannot tell what they are thinking. There they are, stoic, hiding their emotions and their intentions. Which is why we call people who hold their cards close to their vest good poker players. Many of us can do it well if we choose.

There is a place and a time for keeping our cards close to our vest. But, people with good emotional intelligence, especially leaders do that only rarely. The truth is that it is very frustrating to work for someone or with someone who does not disclose what they are thinking and in appropriate ways, what they are feeling.

One of the key elements of emotional intelligence is that of being self disclosing. That is, being up front and clear as to what we are thinking so that others know where we are coming from, what our expectations are, where we are going, and what our intentions are.

The poker player mentality is that of secrecy and non-self disclosure. If you know someone like that or report to someone like that you know how frustrating that is. It is frustrating and it is unfair to others because it does not allow for honest and transparent dialogue or give others the information they need to work with or for someone who does not disclose their thoughts, emotions or intentions.

This does not come naturally to everyone but it can be learned. If you wonder how well you do on that score, ask those around you if you give them the kind of feedback and information you need as to what you are thinking or intending. And then be intentional in expressing your opinions, thoughts, observations and intentions. In the vast majority of cases, clear self disclosure is far better than holding your cards closely.

Self disclosure is closely tied to the ability of others to trust us. If I do not know what someone else is thinking and cannot seem to get that out of them, it will be very hard for me to trust them with responsibility because I don't know what I am working with. Holding your cards closely works well in poker but not in real life.

Minding the gap between truth we believe and how we live

Paul speaks often of "authentic" or "sincere" faith. Why does he use these adjectives in describing our faith? He does so because there is often a significant gap between what we say we believe and how we actually live.

Those who have traveled much have met a British woman who seems to have something of a monopoly in speaking to us on public subways. Perhaps the most often heard reminder from this woman as train doors open is "Please mind the gap." The gap is the space between the train floor and the station floor.

Paul is encouraging us to mind the gap between what we profess to believe and how we actually live in speaking of authentic faith. I believe that closing that gap is one of the ongoing disciplines and challenges of following Jesus. The smaller the gap, the more authentic our faith is. The larger the gap, the less authentic our faith.

Paul's advice to his protege, Timothy, was to "Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely" (1 Timothy 4:15-16). Our life and our doctrine are integrally connected. Fine doctrine means nothing when it is not connected to a life that lives that doctrine out.

Large segments of evangelicalism have substituted knowledge of God for life with God where our life practices mirror our theological understanding. To the extent that what we know or believe to be true does not match our daily lives there is a gap and it is this gap that must be minded. It is then that our lives actually mirror Jesus and lives that mirror Jesus draw people to Him. 

This is not about legalism. It is about authentic living where we live with Jesus and bring our practices and thinking into conformity with His practices and thinking. The practical question that deserves thoughtful consideration is "where is there a gap between the life and practices of Jesus and what we are taught in Scripture with my own life?" And what am I actively doing through the power of the Holy Spirit to mind the gap?

Pretense, the enemy of authenticity

The enemy of authenticity is pretense, pretending to be what we are not! It is nothing less than dishonesty which compromises our personal integrity and causes us to live with personal dissonance. 

This was the problem with the Pharisees in Jesus' day. They worked hard to "look and play the part," but that is exactly what they were, actors, playing the part, rather than authentic people of God. It is interesting to me that the only people Jesus was "hard on" were the Pharisees. He hated their hypocrisy.

There are many practices that believers are "supposed" to follow. The "rules" that govern how we live, act, talk and behave. Often we are no different from the Pharisees. We play the part even though it does not reflect the real us. And many of the rules have nothing to do with God but are as man made as those of the Pharisees.

Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts that leaders can give their teams. Authentic men and women have problems, experience spiritual highs and lows, make mistakes, need to ask forgiveness, and don't need to pretend that something is not what it really is. What you see is what you get. People can relate to that because that is real life. People cannot relate to perfection (and of course that is a lie anyway).

Authentic people don't do appearances for appearance sake. Jesus certainly didn't. In fact, he went out of his way to tweak the minds of the Pharisees by breaking stupid man made rules. Authenticity is not about legalism or "keeping the rules." It is about being serious about our followership of Christ in a real way, caring about the important matters of the heart and living in the transformational power of the Holy Spirit - the opposite of trying to keep up appearances.

Authenticity is about living honestly. Being honest with ourselves about our followership and where we come up short and honest with others. If there is one thing that turns off non-Christ followers, I think it is the lack of transparency and honesty among those who tell them that they ought to follow as well. People see through pretense.

Pretense actually breeds legalism and more pretense  After all, if my role model is someone who pretends to have it all together, I may well decide that I need to pretend to have it all together as well. And keep the silly rules that accompany such pretense.  Pretense is a prison because it is not real, cannot be sustained and requires way too much effort to keep up the pretense.

Authenticity on the other hand is freedom. What you see is what you get and I don't need to spend energy trying to look like something I am not. Funny thing is that the only people who get ticked off with authenticity are those who are putting up a pretense themselves. Authenticity puts a lie to their lack of authenticity, hiding behind legalism and false spirituality. Jesus was the greatest threat to the Pharisees - and they knew it which is why they had it in for Him.

Here is an interesting question: where in my life do I feel a need to pretend I am something I am not? Why do I have that need? Something to ponder as we live out our faith.