Egos, defensiveness and leaders

The defensiveness of many leaders to being challenged significantly affects a healthy culture because it shuts down needed discussion and dialogue and keeps staff from speaking fully and truthfully to leaders. In these situations, leaders must either learn new skills or be replaced if a healthy culture is a goal. Where there is not a free and welcome exchange of ideas, you have leaders who need to control others rather than release them. They shut down important candid dialogue, and their ego issues destroy and prevent a healthy culture.

When leaders cannot be challenged, and there is no free exchange of views, ideas, and opinions, a healthy culture cannot exist. In this context, ego becomes the enemy!

Ego is the enemy of good leadership and a healthy culture. Humility is your friend, while ego and pride are your enemies. Why do I say this? Ego causes leaders to overestimate their ability and underestimate the input of others. As a result, ego-driven leaders limit the input from others, don’t engage in robust dialogue, and listen to others poorly.

A fundamental principle of healthy leadership is the commitment to the mindset of "Nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide." Many leaders feel the need to prove themselves, which can lead them to exploit and pressure others to achieve their desired results. This behavior often results in impatience, anger, and a lack of forgiveness towards those who let them down.

What they risk losing is their pride and their agenda. Their leadership is often motivated more by their desire to succeed than by the organization's mission. Ironically, this drive is often fueled by personal insecurity, which hinders them from listening to others or considering advice that does not align with their views. As a result, their ability to access diverse wisdom and perspectives is severely limited.

Ego has a particularly insidious side; it can give rise to narcissism, where life revolves entirely around oneself. While one might believe this behavior stems from a place of security and confidence, it more often originates from deep insecurity. The outward confidence in one’s correctness and the bravado that comes with it often serve as a facade to conceal underlying insecurity.

Over time, the outward displays of confidence and bravado become protective barriers created by the insecure person within. These walls often prevent individuals from recognizing what is happening around them and understanding their role in contributing to organizational dysfunction.

I have had memorable conversations with leaders after conducting extensive interviews within their organizations. What stands out in these cases is the leaders' absolute denial of reality and difficulty in allowing outside perspectives to penetrate their protective walls. Their responses often include disbelief (my staff must be mistaken, or you, as a consultant, misunderstood), anger at their staff for expressing such views, or outright belligerence (I don’t care; I am the leader and will do it my way, regardless). In these situations, the protective barriers are so thick that the culture is unlikely to improve without a change in leadership. The problem is that such behaviors harm everyone around them, creating significant toxicity within the culture.

Ego issues fueled by insecurity hinder individuals from perceiving reality accurately. Secure individuals listen attentively, are willing to admit their mistakes, and are committed to addressing their blind spots and the more challenging aspects of their leadership. They can do this because they are comfortable in their skin and exhibit more humility than pride.

The more secure I feel, the more open I can be. In contrast, the more insecure I feel, the more I tend to hide my deficiencies and weaknesses. As a result, I cling to my ego, feeling that I have too much to prove and too much to lose.

The irony is that our staff knows our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and deficiencies. When we deny who we are and pretend to be someone we’re not, they can see that we are not being authentic. Insecure and ego-driven leaders often fail to recognize that their refusal to accept reality breeds cynicism among their team members. This cynicism is harmful to a healthy workplace culture, and the leaders themselves foster it.

The adverse effects of ego are numerous. It prompts individuals to belittle others to elevate themselves. Those with inflated egos tend to blame others for their failures and take credit for achievements that belong to someone else. This mindset hinders honest and open discussions because leaders feel too insecure to address differing opinions. An ego-driven person often lacks respect for their staff and disregards the commitments outlined in the Leadership Contract. By trying to elevate themselves, they inadvertently diminish those around them.

In instances where I’ve shared the results of Culture Audits with senior leaders who were perceived by others as unhealthy or lacking leadership skills, they have been utterly shocked and disbelieving of the interview findings. This reaction highlights their poor self-awareness, understanding of those around them, and their resistance to engaging in open and honest dialogue with colleagues.

In one instance, individuals had been telling the leader for decades that he should step aside and take on a different role due to his inadequate leadership abilities. Instead of heeding the advice of the many who expressed their concerns, he listened only to the few who praised him as a great leader and stubbornly refused to step down. In the meantime, the organization suffered a severe decline; key staff members became disillusioned and left, and there was an urgent need to re-envision the mission and plan for the future.

The individual's deep-seated insecurity and ego blinded them to the realities of their abilities, the needs of the organization, and the feedback from those around them. This organization faced multiple issues that required attention, and it is unlikely to make progress with this leader in position. It is a tragic example of how ego can undermine the development of a healthy culture. A resolution is unlikely to be achieved in situations like this unless boards take action.

Unfortunately, even when a board is in place, there are often inadequate feedback mechanisms to assess the health of the organization's culture. Typically, problems become severe before any effort is made to understand what is happening. During this time, valuable staff members leave, demoralizing the remaining employees. In the case mentioned above, exit interviews with staff revealed significant issues with the senior leader, yet there was a lack of initiative to address the situation. Consequently, the cost to the organization was substantial. Ego can truly undermine a healthy culture.

A leader's maturity can be gauged by their willingness to engage in open and honest dialogue about any issues that affect the team or organization's success. The most effective leaders encourage and promote candid discussions surrounding important topics because they understand that open dialogue leads to the best solutions. They do not shy away from being challenged; rather, they welcome it.

As a leader, do you promote open and honest dialogue? Do you encourage a genuine exchange of ideas and allow your team members to challenge you? If your answer is no, what insecurities are holding you back? Are you afraid of not having all the answers or not getting your way? Whatever the fear may be, it often stems from your own insecurities, and these insecurities can significantly impact your leadership.

The correlation between Emotional Intelligence and organizational culture

 It is a given that the Emotional Intelligence of an organization is the sum of the EQ of its members. In other words, the organization's EQ reflects the general emotional health of its people. When I ask people about the culture of their workplace, they can quickly identify the positive and the negative aspects of their organization. What they often don't realize is that they are describing the EQ of those who work there. 

In effect, the EQ of the organization (which reflects the EQ of the individuals within the organization) creates the organizational culture. There is a direct correlation between EQ and culture. So, if one is going to change the organizational culture, it becomes necessary to grow the EQ of its members. 

For instance, if one has a culture that is rife with gossip, backstabbing, unhealthy competition, conflict, and people taking credit when they should not or blaming others when they are to blame, one has a dysfunctional culture that reflects poor Emotional Intelligence among its members. The core issue is not the culture but the people who make up that culture and their level of emotional health.

The lower the EQ of the staff, the more dysfunctional the organization is. The higher the EQ of staff, the healthier the organizational culture. And the culture almost always reflects an organization's leadership as people take their cues from leaders.

Because we don't often think of organizational culture as related to the EQ of its members, we become frustrated with our inability to deal with issues in our organizational culture. However, by teaching and coaching in EQ, we can directly impact the culture of the organization in healthy ways. 

One issue that is often ignored is this: The EQ of leaders has a disproportionate impact on the organization as they are the ones who set the standard for behavior. They set the tone for how others are treated, how they serve, and how they lead from a place of humility. 

Some behaviors need to be illegal in an organization because they are antithetical to healthy relationships and interactions. As someone has said, Culture is what we create or allow. In creating a healthy culture, we model good EQ. In disallowing unhealthy behavior, we set a standard for what personal and relational health looks like.

It is instructive to look at your own organization and ask what the corporate EQ quotient is. Are you intentionally creating a healthy culture, or are you allowing things that hurt your culture?

All cultures have positive and negative aspects to them. Take a moment and think about the problematic areas of the culture of your team or organization, and armed with that knowledge, do some teaching and coaching in the requisite areas of EQ that are involved in the problematic areas.

For examples of the signs of good and poor EQ, click here.

Self awareness in life and leadership

Self awareness is the ability to understand how our actions, words, and attitudes impact those around us. This is true in our marriage, relationships, leadership roles and with the colleagues we work with. This is one of the most important elements of EQ (Emotional Intelligence) because where there is low self awareness, relational issues usually ensue while a high level of self awareness usually leads to a higher level of relational health.

How often in a marriage relationship one of the parties says or does something that causes irritation to the other without them being aware of how their behaviors impacted the other. A marriage relationship is a journey toward greater self awareness so that they minimize relational issues between spouses. 

For leaders, self awareness is a significant factor in their leadership success. I have on occasion worked with leaders who have a very low level of self-awareness. The result is high turnover of staff, a high level of frustration over the unpredictable actions of the senior leader and the loss of the best staff. Why? Because a lack of self awareness prevented the leader from understanding how their actions or words impact those around them. Don't be one of these leaders!

One of the marks of leaders with low self awareness is that they move through life at a fast pace, making decisions on the fly, changing their mind quickly and all the while thinking they are pretty good leaders. After all they do stuff - a lot of stuff. The problem is that because they don't pay attention to how their action impacts others it creates chaos around them.  

Here are some suggestions for raising you level of self awareness.

First, slow down and think carefully about the unintended consequences of your decisions, who they impact and who needs to be consulted. Talking with those affected by your decisions will raise you level of self awareness because you will hear from your relevant staff. 

Second, listen more than your talk. Those with low self awareness at less likely to be listeners and more likely to be talkers. The only route to understanding and avoiding unnecessary issues is to learn to listen carefully to those around you. The less we listen the more likely it is that we will create issues.

Third, ask a lot of questions. Want to know what the unintended consequences are or what people are actually thinking? You need to ask questions - lots of them and then listen and dialogue. My observation is that those with low levels of self-awareness don't ask many questions. They just act - to their own detriment.

Four, invite those around you whom you trust to give you feedback on your words, attitudes and actions. This will not happen without an invitation and an openness to hearing what they have to say without defensiveness. 

Five, create an open atmosphere on your team where all can speak their minds honestly. I call this robust dialogue where any issue can be put on the table with the exception of a hidden agenda or a personal attack. Anything else is fair game.

The question is often asked as to whether an individual with low self awareness can grow in this area of their EQ. I believe they can, to a certain degree. But I also believe that whether or not they grow in this area, they can manage their issue by practicing the above actions. These practices will help mitigate against creating issues for people around you.

Understanding what good and bad EQ (Emotional Intelligence) look like

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

Creating cultures of excellence
AddingtonConsulting.org

Self evaluation and personal growth

In the busyness of life, the hectic schedules we keep, and the many obligations we agree to, one thing often suffers self-evaluation and personal growth. We are too busy to consider and running too fast to be purposeful in our own growth. In this, we pay a personal price.

The price is that we miss out on personal perspective and growth that can give us greater personal health and happiness and can improve our relationships and life impact. How many times do we say to ourselves, "I wish I had known that when I was younger." An investment in our personal growth today can have a significant impact in the years to come. What we don't learn today will cost us in the years to come. It is the law of returns.

Growth always starts with self-evaluation. Taking the time to thoughtfully consider our lives, Emotional Intelligence, where we are going, relationships, work, finances, marriage, and the major building blocks of our lives. And then being brutally honest with ourselves regarding the state of our lives. 

In self-evaluation, journaling is a powerful tool. When we put on paper with our own hands the reality of our lives, good and bad, it is also imprinted in our brains. It clarifies what it is we are considering and demands action - a plan or strategy for growth. To journal, one must set aside time, quiet the mind, and think clearly. The opposite of the cacophony of daily life.

In addition, a periodic review of one's journal reminds us of our past thinking and often of our progress. It is a reminder and an encouragement. 

Intentional reading on subjects that will help us think more deeply, along with conversations with trusted friends, provides us with both insights and a mirror with which to see ourselves. Of course, there is no better mirror than scripture as it places in front of us the character, wisdom, and teaching of God. And, as the book of Hebrews says, it probes deeply into our hearts. For me, the simple act of blogging creates space in my life to think more deeply than I otherwise would.

Evaluation is understanding where we are, whereas growth is doing something about it. Again, I come back to putting thoughts on paper. I cannot reflect in my journal without also thinking through and writing down solutions, modifications, or new commitments. It is a natural part of the writing process. And again, looking back on our journal entries in months to come, we are reminded of our plan and can celebrate whatever growth has occurred. 

This simple blog required me to carve out an hour of my time, but it also caused me to think and put on paper simple thoughts of self-evaluation and personal growth. Without making space for it in my day, there would be no blog. Without making space in our day or week for personal growth, there will be far less growth than there could be. I wish I had known that when I was younger...

Emotional Intelligence and it's correlation with organizational culture.

It is a given that the Emotional Intelligence of an organization is the sum of the EQ of its members. In other words, the organization's EQ reflects the general emotional health of its people. When I ask people about the culture of their workplace, they can quickly identify the positive and the negative aspects of their organization. What they often don't realize is that they are describing the EQ of those who work there. 

In effect, the EQ of the organization (which reflects the EQ of the individuals within the organization) creates the organizational culture. There is a direct correlation between EQ and culture. So, if one is going to change the organizational culture it becomes necessary to grow the EQ of its members. 

For instance, if one has a culture that is rife with gossip, back stabbing, unhealthy competition, conflict and people taking credit when they should not or blaming others when they are to blame one has a dysfunctional culture that reflects poor Emotional Intelligence among its members. The core issue is not the culture but the people who make up that culture and their level of emotional health.

The lower the EQ of the staff, the more dysfunctional the organization is. The higher the EQ of staff, the healthier the organizational culture. And the culture almost always reflects an organization's leadership as people take their cues from leaders.

Because we don't often think of organizational culture as related to the EQ of its members, we become frustrated with our inability to deal with issues in our organizational culture. However, by teaching and coaching in EQ we can directly impact the culture of the organization in healthy ways. 

All cultures have positive and negative aspects to them. Take a moment and think about the problematic areas of the culture of your team or organization and armed with that knowledge, do some teaching and coaching in the requisite areas of EQ that are involved in the problematic areas.

For examples of the signs of good and poor EQ, click here.

Learning to disagree and remain relationally connected

Being able to disagree with another individual and remain relationally connected is a unique skill that gives one greater influence. Too often, we allow different opinions to separate us from others, which limits our influence and creates unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, when two people disagree and allow their differing opinions to create division, others often line up behind one or the other, and the result is a division of many rather than of two. Thus, learning to disagree and remain relationally connected is even more critical if we desire to be people of peace.

Fundamental to this skill is the ability to separate our opinions, however strong, from relationships. Ideas and convictions are things that define us as us. They allow us to be self-defined people rather than defined by others. Self-defined individuals understand who they are, what they think, and what their convictions and values are. However, just as they do not allow others to define them, they do not insist that others also agree with them. They know who they are and allow others to be self-defined as well. 

For many, agreement on issues is the basis of a relationship. But this is a fragile basis for any friendship or working relationship. First, because there will come a time when there is a major disagreement that will compromise the relationship. Second, it does not allow both parties to be self-defined. Usually, it is the dominant individual who will define the relationship with weaker individuals simply agreeing. Third, this kind of relationship fundamentally ignores the healthy boundaries of self-definition that allow individuals to be who they are rather than to be what someone else is. Finally, it does not respect the opinions of others but requires them to agree with us. In this respect, there is not the humility to allow others their own convictions.

Collegial relationships should be based on mutual respect, common interests or goals, and the conviction that we need one another to achieve the best outcomes. It should not be based on the need to agree with one another all the time. If I can separate my convictions from the ability to remain relationally connected, I can retain the ability to stay connected, have influence, and keep others from taking sides and dividing the group. 

In my own consulting, I make it a high priority to stay connected to those who might disagree with my recommendations. I want to unite others rather than divide them. And I want to remain connected whenever possible.

Managing anxiety in our leadership roles and saving us from ourselves

On a regular basis, leaders are confronted with situations that cause anxiety. How we learn (and it is learned) to handle that anxiety is one of the key factors in how well we will lead over the long haul. Those who don't handle anxiety well will sabotage their leadership either through emotional responses that are inappropriate or through inner turmoil that eats at their gut - and often both. It is one of the reasons some very bright people choose not to lead. When someone says, "It's not worth the hassle," what they are often saying is that "I don't have the tools to manage the anxiety that comes with leadership."

Anxiety is the uncertainty that comes from any number of situations leaders face. It can be conflict within the team that needs to be resolved, actions or words of a team member that we assume are disloyal to us, seemingly dumb things that someone may have done or situations we just don't know how to confront. I can think of a long list of people and situations that caused me anxiety as a leader, especially as a young leader. That anxiety, however, must be managed if we are to act with discernment and wisdom rather than with an emotional, angry or knee-jerk response.

How do we manage our emotions in these situations and save ourselves from ourselves? Here are some suggestions:

One: Don't act precipitously. Acting out of our initial response will usually exacerbate the situation rather than resolve it.

Two: Manage your anxiety - it is wasted energy. I often simply visualize a drawer in my mind where I place those things causing me anxiety and lock it until it is time to deal with the issue.

Three: Don't assume you have all the facts. This is why time is on your side. Often when acting out of emotion we are also acting out of factual ignorance. Getting the whole story often puts things into perspective.

Four: Don't assume ill motives. When we get all the facts we often discover that the motives of others were not poor whether what they did was wise or not.

Five: Consult with a trusted colleague to get a different perspective on the issue and ensure that you are taking a wise course to address it.

Six: Think through how you want to approach the issue with the individual(s) involved for the most positive outcome. This takes time. Don't address it until you have a plan for your approach.

Seven: Have a conversation with the individual(s) involved. A conversation is different than an attack. Often in talking the situation out we come to understanding and mutually agreeable solutions.

Eight: Consider what everyone can learn from the situation. In other words, assigning blame is often not as healthy as just seeing what lessons can be learned moving forward.

Nine: It goes without saying for Christian leaders that asking for God's wisdom in the situation is critical. 

Posted from Oakdale, MN

For more help in understanding emotions in leadership, my new book Deep Influence deals with this in greater depth.

How much narcissism do we live with?

We would probably be surprised if we understood God's perspective on our narcissistic tendencies. All of us have them even though we would never want to be labeled a narcissist in the clinical sense of the term. Synonyms include vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism and egoism. The common theme is that it is all about "me" and "self." In its extreme form this presents itself as a clinical dysfunction. You probably know someone who displays these characteristics in an extreme form.

At a more subtle level, however, narcissism is something that dogs many of us and we might never notice it. Is my drive to succeed in ministry really about me (self-absorption) or about God? Is our tendency to hold on to material things with a tight hand (often being stingy with God and others about self-centeredness and fear of not having enough or about generosity and an open hand? Does our desire or need for the applause of others, fancy titles, or authority reflect Jesus or our own egotism? Even overconfidence in our decisions can reflect a significant level of narcissism which is why supremely confident leaders rarely listen to the advice or push back of others. 

On the part of leaders, here are some of the behaviors that reflect a level of narcissism.

• Taking credit for work performed by others
• Needing the limelight
• Not listening to the input of others
• Needing to get one's way
• Supreme confidence in all decisions
• A need to be at the center of attention
• Being stingy on thank you's and platforming others
• Insecurity with staff who are better at something than themselves
• Poor treatment of others
• A critical spirit
• Using others for our own agendas
• Defensiveness
• Focus on ourselves and our issues to the exclusion of  the needs of others.
• Quick anger when things don't go our own way
• Being jealous of the success of others
• Needing to be in charge
• Not apologizing for failures

It is worth thinking back over the past month and asking ourselves what decisions reflected narcissistic tendencies and which reflected a generous spirit that looks like Jesus? We are by our lower nature intrinsically selfish (narcissistic) and it is the Holy Spirit's work in our lives that moves us from a focus on self to a focus on Jesus and others. But it is a long journey of a deeper understanding of who we are, what motivates us and where we reflect our own interests more than those of Christ. All of us live with narcissism. The question is how aware we are of it and what we are doing about it. 

Posted from Grand Rapids, MI

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

• 
  

What are the things a leader needs to communicate to his people to ensure that he is getting the truth

Without truth from others, a leader is left only with his/her assumptions or perceptions and that is a dangerous place to be. So how does a leader ensure that their staff and friends tell them the truth? It is an important question that has huge ramifications. What we don't know will hurt us. What we do know can help us - if we pay attention!

Leaders either encourage or discourage their staff from sharing truth with them. On the negative side, they discourage the truth by sending messages that "You should not go there," or, it is not safe to talk about these things because if you do your leader becomes defensive. Truth is an important commodity that can either be mined or easily ignored.

How do we encourage truth? First, we encourage "robust dialogue" where we tell our team that any issue can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. Second, when people share openly, we as leaders respond with a non-defensive attitude that conveys "I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose." It is the attitude and reaction of leaders that either encourages or discourages honest and candid dialogue among a team.

Leaders can also ask critical questions such as "Is there anything I do that you wish I would do differently," or, "If there was one thing that you wish I did differently, what would it be?" designed to help mine for truth. Ironically, many leaders are afraid of truth when truth is their largest gift. I may or may not agree with what is shared but I would certainly desire to know what people think than not. 

Leaders set the standard for how candid their staff can be with them. I have worked for leaders who did not want honesty and those who did and I will not work for those who don't ever again. As a leader I want to know what people are thinking, what suggestions they have and what their perceptions are. Without that I cannot lead well. I don't have to like what I hear to appreciate it deeply. My expectation is that my staff will tell me the truth whether it hurts or not. Those who don't are the poorer for it.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Listening to voices that make us feel uncomfortable

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned as a leader is to listen to voices and opinions that make me feel uncomfortable. It is not that I need to agree with them but I do need to listen to them and evaluate the perspective I am hearing. 

Think of the complexity of the world in which we live. We have perspectives of men and women (often different), first and second generation immigrants (often different), the outlook of various racial groups (witness Ferguson) and significant differences in the outlooks of differing age groups. It is in this environment that we are called to do ministry and advance the kingdom of Jesus - together.

I think it was no accident that Jesus brought together the most amazing group of disciples that would never have bonded apart from Him. He was making the point that in Him we can become one. In Him there is no Jew or Gentile, male or female, free or enslaved. In Him we  are one. The challenge of course is in living that truth out in the real life ministries we are a part of. Not easy indeed but possible if our vision is on the family God is intent in creating as His family. 

That means, however that we need to listen to the voices that make up the family we are a part of. All of us seen from our own perspective while Jesus desires us to see from His perspective. And His perspective takes in all of His people and their views and unique outlooks on life. Can it be uncomfortable? Yes! Can it help us grow and expand our views on life and ministry? Absolutely! It is our unity in our diversity that makes us the strongest as God's family. In that sense I love to be made uncomfortable because it helps me understand Him in a fuller way and the family of God in its fullness. 

The theology of the priesthood of all believers is a powerful reason to listen to fellow believers and seek to understand their perspective. They like us have the Holy Spirit dwelling in their hearts and it is us together that make up the wonderful and diverse family that is His family.

Pay attention to the EQ of those we interact with and save yourself great frustration

Think about the most problematic people you have dealt with and then consider the energy, time and frustration you experienced in trying to negotiate the relationship. Chances are good that you were dealing with individuals who had significant EQ deficits. Too often in these cases we deal with them as if they were rational, normal and reasonable individuals and we constantly hit the wall of frustration.

I am not suggesting they are "bad" people. I am suggesting that one needs to take the EQ of others into account in how we interact with them. Take for instance an individual who constantly brings up issues that they endlessly debate but they never seem able to come to resolution and put it to rest. Why get drawn into a conversation that never gets resolved? You are dealing with someone who is unable to resolve issues and their need to endlessly discuss them does not mean that we need to discuss them.

Here is a principle to keep in mind. The more frustration one experiences in dealing with another, the greater the likelihood that we need to reassess how we interact with them. And often, limit our interaction. Unhealthy individuals seek to draw others into their dishealth because that is where they are comfortable. Healthy individuals see this for what it is and refuse to get pulled in. Often the only way to do that is to limit one's exposure to those individuals and not get pulled into debates. I for one will not waste my time and energy trying to reason with unhealthy individuals. They are not open to reason.

That last statement is an important indicator of emotional health. You can have a productive conversation with a reasonable individual. Conversations with unreasonable people never seem to get anywhere. So why get pulled in? 

One can save themselves a lot of frustration by simply paying attention to the emotional health of those we interact with and modify our own interaction accordingly.

One of the most important attributes of leaders

One of the most important attributes of leaders is flexibility. I am not talking the physical kind but the flexibility to adjust their preferred plans in order to meet the needs of those they lead. Some things are not negotiable but there are far more things that are negotiable than most leaders recognize. 

In my upcoming book, Deep Influence, I write this about leaders and flexibility: 

"Leaders with high EQ are both self-defined and flexible. Their self-definition becomes a compass directionally, but within that direction they are highly flexible. For some, leadership is telling others what they will do and getting his way. For healthy leaders, the direction setting process includes other key stakeholders, leaving flexibility for them to choose strategies that will take the organization that direction.

In most situations where leaders are inflexible and need to get their own way, the inflexibility is not worth the effort it requires or the problems it causes. God’s design of church leadership as a team is based on the value of the counsel of multiple wise leaders. 

Many of the conflicts in which leaders find themselves are a direct result of either poor self-definition or inflexibility to negotiate a common course of action. The leader who is self-defined while also engaged in healthy relational dialogue is a master at flexibly helping other good people come to a common strategy that allows the ministry to move in the preferred direction. Black-and-white individuals tend to polarize rather than bring people together."

I encounter too many leaders whose inflexibility creates conflict which hurts their leadership and the organizations they lead. Ironically flexibility in how we achieve our ends gets us further and faster than inflexibility and the need to get our way! 

Flexibility also communicates that we are in this together and is is about us rather than me. Inflexible leaders irritate the very people they lead while flexible leaders are seen as reasonable and team players. Flexibility is also about humility. Pride says I need to get my way. Humility says I will work with others to achieve the ends but I am flexible in the way we get there. One polarizes and the other unites.

My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Good EQ in crisis situtations

It is in crisis situations that our EQ and character are truly forged. Whether it is a situation where we have some control or one where we are in a position of no control, what we do, what we say, how we manage our emotions and the actions we choose to take say much about our Emotional Intelligence and character. 

Here are some of the EQ tests that crisis brings:

• Am I able to manage my anxiety and emotions when I face uncertainty, am angry or otherwise disappointed? It is not that we don't feel those emotions but keeping our powder dry is critical to responding well.

• Am I able to control my conversations and words? Words are powerful things and what is spoken cannot be taken back. There are many instances where keeping our own counsel is far wiser than not.

• Am I able to be patient enough to let matters play out when that is a necessary part of the equation? Impatience almost always works against you while patience almost always works for you. Impatience prompts actions and words that are problematic while patience allows others to come to the same conclusions you may have.

• Am I trusting God in the situation or trying to solve an issue myself? When we get in front of God we inevitably cause ourselves problems.

• Am I able to treat those involved with dignity or in my anxiety to solve something will I hurt someone that I should not? How we treat people matters and in a crisis it is easy to forget that.

Wise individuals learn that acting out of fear, anxiety, or without thinking through the ramifications is unwise. The wise manage their EQ even when under pressure.

Why defensiveness can be deadly

Defensiveness seems to be common among ministry leaders. I believe that this is because it is very difficult for them to separate themselves from their ministry and therefor any perceived disagreement with something in the ministry is seen as a personal attack against them. Whatever the reason for defensiveness, it can have deadly consequences.

Defensive behavior can take many forms. It can be anger, the shutting down of discussion, using one's authority to intimidate staff, communicating by body language that one is unhappy that a topic has been broached, marginalizing people who disagree with them. All of us are guilty of it from time to time but healthy individuals work hard to live non-defensively with a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude.

Why is defensiveness so unhealthy?

First, it comes from our own dishealth or poor EQ. Not once in the gospels do you see Jesus defensive no matter what the pharisees goaded Him with - and they tried hard! He listened to them, He was rarely reactive and when He was it was never without a purpose (driving the moneylenders from the temple). He often responded to the goading of the Pharisees with a question. On the other hand the Pharisees were continually displaying defensive attitudes. 

Defensiveness is part of our sinful nature and the need to prove something or to be right or to keep our pride. It is really self righteousness. Non-defensiveness, on the other hand is not worried about any of those things. It comes from a healthy place that is self-defined but not needing to prove anything. For healthy people, life is a journey toward not needing to prove things to others. We are OK with their opinions because we are OK with ourselves and our positions. 

Second, defensiveness hurts relationships. For those of us who are married, think of how damaging some of our conflict with our spouses has been because neither of us was willing to admit fault or give on our position! Defensiveness pushes others away while non-defensiveness invites them into relationship. 

Third, defensiveness hurts us. Usually we are defensive over something because we don't want to be challenged, and know that there is some truth in what is being said. Why would we be defensive if there is not some truth involved?  If we listened and asked some questions it might be that we would learn something. We have everything to gain by listening and nothing to lose. 

Again, I would look to the example of Jesus in the Gospels and the Fruit of His Spirit and ask whether defensiveness should be part of our lives.