Handling stress in a healthy manner

Stress is debilitating condition. It robs us of joy, sleep, peace, concentration, causes changes in our body that can affect our health and is strong enough to lead to a shortened life! Many of us live unnecessarily with high levels of stress - especially in ministry.

Stress has many causes but at its core it is caused by something or somebody which is a danger to our well-being, to the well being of something or someone we care about.

For instance, because I love my organization or church, a threat to their health can be a cause of stress. If there is a danger to someone I love (disease, a marriage coming apart and so on) I can equally live with a level of stress.

By itself, stress is a good thing in that it can be an early warning system to us that something is not right and needs attention. However, if not managed well it can lead to inappropriate responses on our part, anger, depression and any number of negative responses.

I want to deal specifically here with stress that is caused by a threat to us individually. It could be someone who is angry with us and wants our hide, a supervisor who is unhappy with our performance, a staff member who has gone negative, or a perceived threat to our well being. As you read this think about the stresses you currently face.

Stress will be with us as long as we are alive but there are tools that we can develop and practice which can help us manage it. Below are some of the tools I have found to be helpful.

First, it is helpful when faced by a threat that causes anxiety to ask the question, what is my part of the equation? If someone wants your hide, is there a way that you have contributed to the others anger? Is there a piece of you that has contributed to their anger? If so, can you de-escalate their emotions by a conversation and trying to come to an understanding. We always have the choice with other people to escalate or de-escalate the passions.

Second, perceived threats tend to loom larger in our minds than they should. It is the fear mechanism that kicks in. Ask yourself, "what is the worst thing that could happen in this situation? Usually the worst thing that could happen is not as bad as our emotions would paint it.

Third, consciously work to "keep anxiety low." I actually say that to myself from time to time. The truth is that the worst that could happen is rarely as bad as what we think. Further, why worry about something that could happen when it has not happened? Keeping our anxiety low is critical because in a state of high anxiety our own responses are likely to be less than healthy in a stressful situation.

Often the worst that will happen is that someone will not like us or will speak ill of us. Unfortunately this is a fact of life - even in ministry. The truth is, however, that our reputation is ultimately in the hands of God. Not us. I don't know anyone who has accomplished something in ministry who does not have their detractors. Ultimately we play to an audience of one: God. If we are motivated by the applause of others we have the wrong audience in mind

Fourth, find counsel. When under stress, our own perspective or response is often not as dispassionate and level as it could be. Bringing a trusted wise adviser into the equation is exceedingly helpful. This is not about lobbying others to take our side or to "get back" at whoever is causing us anxiety. It is quiet, confidential, Godly counsel from someone who can give us perspective and counsel.

Fifth, don't go defensive with the one who is unhappy with you. Defensiveness is never a helpful response. You may not agree with what someone says but a defensive posture is really an attempt to protect oneself, keeps us from listening and is a barrier to communication. Healthy individuals deal with conflict from a non-defensive posture with an attitude of 'nothing to prove, nothing to lose."

What if there is some truth in the accusations against you? Own them. It's OK, none of us respond perfectly. Your willingness to take a non defensive posture will significantly lower the level of anger against you because it is an unexpected response which says, "I am not going to do battle with you."

A non-defensive response, even when accusations are not true from your perspective significantly lowers the level of the conflict and can lead to a conversation with a more dispassionate tone. Even though it is a normal human emotion, defensiveness rarely if ever helps, only hurts.

A non-defensive response can be as simple as "tell me more" about why you feel that way? Or, "share with me what you would have done?"

Sixth, intentionally give the situation to God. The older I get the more I appreciate the sovereignty of God. He ultimately has control of my job, my reputation and the circumstances I face. In fact, many years ago I went through a difficult period when many untrue things about me were intentionally spread. God used that to bring me to where I am now. He has the ability to take even the worst and unfair situations and redeem them for his purposes.

Stress and anxiety are really a test of our faith. Do we believe God is sovereign, that He is good, that He has our best in mind and that even if the worst happened (above) He will still be on the throne and look out for us? Stress asks the question, "Do I really believe what I preach and teach or believe?"

Finally, it is helpful to separate the conflict from who you are. My identity is not in my job (if I feel it is in jeopardy), it is not my reputation (I cannot fully control that), but it is my identity in Christ. Conflict and difficult situations come and go, but my core identity as a member of God's family does not. No one can take that from me - ever.

Stress is an opportunity to trust God, act wisely, de-escalate passions, leave our reputation in God's hands and remember that no one can take away our core identity. If people or life is unfair, God is not. He is good all that time and he is sovereign forever.

Accidental Pharisees

This book will challenge you, irritate you, perhaps make you mad in places but it will certainly cause you to think and evaluate. I highly recommend Larry Osborn's new book. Accidental Pharisees: Avoiding Pride, Exclusivity, and the Other Dangers of Overzealous Faith.

Change and its effect on people

We often wonder why there is such resistance to change. The answer lies in how people are made, and how they are influenced by others in regard to change. In general, people are change-resistant rather than change-friendly.

Those who introduce change are called innovators. Innovators are those who dream up new ways of doing things (2.5% of the population). Those who embrace change first are the early adapters - they see a good idea and adopt it (13.5% of the population). 34% of our population are called the early majority. They are more deliberate in thinking through the innovation but, after consideration, will adapt. Then there are the late majority individuals (also 34%) who will be skeptical of the innovation but eventually respond after seeing the benefits. Finally there are the laggards (traditionalists) who will probably never respond. For Laggards (16%) innovation is a bad thing.

Notice that the percentage of folks who can be labeled as "change-friendly" (innovators and early adapters) is only 16 percent: those who could be labeled as "change-cautious but open" equal 34 percent (early majority); and those who are change-skeptical or change averse equal 50 percent (late majority and laggards). This explains why even the best ideas will be met with caution, skepticism or negativity by the majority of any group.

There is nothing inherently "good or bad" about how people respond to change; it is how they are wired. A lot of obstinate behavior we see regarding change does not come from bad attitudes (although some does) but rather from how people are hard-wired to respond to change.

This illustrates the challenge for leaders to help people move in new directions, knowing that the majority of their people are not in the innovator or early adapter category. Almost any major change you can make is going to be greeted by these responses, at least in the beginning.

The statistics on change come from the groundbreaking work of Everett M. Rogers in his book Diffusion of Innovations, a must read for those who are change agents.

Handing over the keys to ministry

Handing over the keys of ministry to others is one of the hardest things we do whether it is in the development of young leaders, in church ministry or in missions.

A frustration of young leaders the world over is the time it takes for someone to trust them enough to give them significant ministry responsibility. Those of us who are blessed with ministry responsibility often think that our younger leaders are not ready - and we wait - often too long to give them the ministry keys.

In local churches the issue is often whether to hand over ministry responsibility to volunteers. In missions, it is whether to hand over ministry to our national partners. In both cases we are far too slow compared to what happened in the early church.

The result of our caution is often that qualified leaders become disheartened and discouraged while we leave ministry opportunity on the table. In the early church the workers were the new converts who were quickly given appropriate ministry responsibility. After all there was not much of a bench available.

However, the model went back to Christ himself who after three years with His disciples was willing to trust His most precious possession, that which He died for, His church to eleven disciples who were the most improbable individuals from the worlds (or our) point of view.

Jesus was willing to trust the Holy Spirit and these twelve men, knowing that they would screw up from time to time, which they did. Paul did the same thing. He found faithful men and women, built into them while he was in a city and then turned the ministry over to them - trusting them and the Holy Spirit.

One of the principles I have observed in both the local church and on the mission field is that the longer we refuse to turn over the ministry keys, the less likely it is that there will be a successful transition. Our lack of trust fosters an attitude of dependency on the part of those who we lead. The longer we lead the more that dependency grows - unless our younger counterparts break away in frustration to get in the game.

Given the example by Christ and in the early church our reluctance to share ministry responsibility and turn it over to others is an indictment on ourselves. Especially in light of the theology of Ephesians 4:12 where the responsibility of church leaders is to equip others for ministry and to then deploy them.

We can all cite instances when handing over ministry was premature. The key is to start handing over responsibility and see how it is handled. As people prove to be capable and faithful, we hand over more.

The fact that they make mistakes should not deter us. Most of the Epistles in the New Testament are meant to clean up one mess or another, but that did not deter Paul from handing over ministry. Sure stuff happens. But that is the way we learn and leaders grow. That is how we learned and grew! We learn from experience and mistakes along with a few victories.

The best leaders and mentors I know follow the example of Christ and Paul. They find good people, give them responsibility and take a risk. It is always risky but Jesus took a risk with us! Lets be willing to take that risk with others.

Every believer is a theologian

One of the unfortunate results of our western emphasis on education is that we create professional theologians while the average believer knows very little basic theology. Yet, an understanding of God, of His Word and of His desired work in our lives is not the purview of theologians but of each one who follows Him. Every believer is a theologian as one who follows Him. How deep our theology is however, is another matter.

Here is an example. When reading a book the first chapter is pretty important as it sets the stage for everything else the writer has to say. The same is true with Scripture. In Genesis chapters 1 - 3 lay the framework for what God intended for His creation, a world gone wrong and the beginning of His meta story to redeem and ReImage images destroyed in the fall. If we are to understand the rest of the story properly we need to understand the theology in these chapters.

Yet, most believers don't see themselves as part of a bigger story (Ephesians 2:10). For most of us, it is our story we focus on rather than God's story of which we are called to be divine players.

Or take the fact that every man, woman and child is made in His image, tarnished as the image became in the fall. If that is true, how can we marginalize anyone we meet? Every person, no matter how flawed and sinful is made in His Image and is a potential son or daughter of the king. If we understood that fact we might even treat one another in the church with greater kindness: Theology made practical!

How do I share my faith without a basic understanding of theology? It may be why many believers don't. They don't have much to say because they don't understand their God and His plan very well. Yet all of this is within our grasp through the study of His word and the reading of others who study His word (the second must not substitute for the first). 

Paul, a learned man did not shy away from explaining the basics of the faith with theological terms when writing to those who were not learned. His message, and theology was accessible to those who served in Roman government as well as to the cobbler in Corinth. In fact, he assumed that Christ followers must and should understand the basics of their faith and of God. It is when we don't understand that we move away from the way of God (hence the Galatians) and from healthy faith.

When professional theologians (pastors and teachers) do not continually point their people back to Jesus and His word and encourage them to explore Him themselves they do their people a disservice. Every believer, by virtue of being a believer is a theologian. Hopefully we are growing theologians who thirst to know and understand the amazing One who has changed our lives for eternity and who has asked us to join Him in His plan to change a world gone wrong.

Transformed leaders

What does a transformed leader look like? Consider this: Leaders who know who they are in Christ, know what they have been called to do, have the skills to do it and the spiritual character to sustain them.

Knowing who we are in Christ is a a core requirement for spiritual leaders. It is an understanding of His Grace and the ability to live in His grace which allows Christian leaders to create an environment of grace in their ministries. Many ministries lack a culture of grace because their leaders don't know who they are in Christ. It is not enough to have leadership skill. It matters that we lead out of a deep understanding of our position in Christ are living in the daily grace of God.

Transformed leaders also know what they have been called to do. This means that we know how God created and wired us, know what our strengths are and are not and are clear on our personal assignment and priorities. This is about leadership clarity. Many leaders do not have personal clarity (how they are wired) and therefore do not have leadership clarity (what they should be doing). Leaders who do not know what they have been called to do cannot help others understand what their calling is. 

Transformed leaders have the skills to do what they are called to do. While we take this for granted the truth is that many leaders fail to continue to grow and hone their skills. Leaders who continue to grow and develop grow teams and individuals who are growing and developing. 

None of this is possible without the spiritual character to sustain us as leaders. It goes to the hidden practices of Christian leaders: what they are doing behind the scenes to develop their character, stay connected to Christ and living in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is overwhelmingly a lack of spiritual character that causes Christian leaders to fail, burn out and crash. The ongoing development of our hearts, motives, priorities and vision is all related to our connection to Jesus and spills over in all of our leadership and relationships. 

The gift of failure and pain

I was young when I went through the dark night of the soul – four years – my first pastorate. In that four years, my dreams were shattered, my heart was broken, my self worth was nearly destroyed, my reputation vilified by a powerful few. There have been other periods of great pain, none as great as the first but still they tried my soul and tested my faith and calling.

Those periods felt like failure. In reality they were the necessary steps toward success. There is no success without pain for pain, rightly handled is one of the non-negotiables of success and growth.

How thankful I am for them. How deeply I don’t want to repeat them. But failure and pain I have found to be a great gift for through them I have become what I am and without them I would still be what I was.

Faith does not grow in the comfort zone but in the red zone, where we are forced to confront our inability and learn His ability. In fact, it is my conviction that those who know Christ most intimately have learned that intimacy on the anvil of failure, suffering and pain because in the dark night of the soul they have been forced to cry out to God and in doing so, learn that He is sufficient, good, powerful and the only one who can ultimately be the source of our strength.

There is no growth without pain. It may be pain inflicted upon us by others, brought upon us by ourselves, or simply the circumstances of life. One giant of the faith wrote, “God cannot use a person greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” I believe that with all my heart and it is why we should see pain as our friend, not our enemy.  We don’t look for it but we thank God for it. It is the maker of character and faith if we treat it well. It is the maker of bitterness and cynicism if we treat it badly.

It was in pain that I learned to pray for my enemies – a supernatural lesson. It was in pain that I understood that God loved me unconditionally and that there was nothing I could do to make him love me more and nothing I could do to love me less. It was in pain that I learned to empathize with the humanness of others. It was in pain that I learned the grace of Jesus. It was in pain that I learned to live by faith. It was in pain that I understood my human limits and the unlimited goodness of Jesus.

Without pain. Without suffering. Without failure I would be much less than I am today. God grows us in the red zone, not the comfort zone.

Peter understood this well and he was a recipient of great pain and great grace. “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trains. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:6-7).

Father, thank you for the gift of failure, pain and suffering. For wrapped in the sorrow of these gifts is an even greater gift of love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, grace and the most precious gift of all,  knowing you more intimately so that we can follow you more closely and love you more deeply