Think about the most problematic people you have dealt with and then consider the energy, time and frustration you experienced in trying to negotiate the relationship. Chances are good that you were dealing with individuals who had significant EQ deficits. Too often in these cases we deal with them as if they were rational, normal and reasonable individuals and we constantly hit the wall of frustration.
I am not suggesting they are "bad" people. I am suggesting that one needs to take the EQ of others into account in how we interact with them. Take for instance an individual who constantly brings up issues that they endlessly debate but they never seem able to come to resolution and put it to rest. Why get drawn into a conversation that never gets resolved? You are dealing with someone who is unable to resolve issues and their need to endlessly discuss them does not mean that we need to discuss them.
Here is a principle to keep in mind. The more frustration one experiences in dealing with another, the greater the likelihood that we need to reassess how we interact with them. And often, limit our interaction. Unhealthy individuals seek to draw others into their dishealth because that is where they are comfortable. Healthy individuals see this for what it is and refuse to get pulled in. Often the only way to do that is to limit one's exposure to those individuals and not get pulled into debates. I for one will not waste my time and energy trying to reason with unhealthy individuals. They are not open to reason.
That last statement is an important indicator of emotional health. You can have a productive conversation with a reasonable individual. Conversations with unreasonable people never seem to get anywhere. So why get pulled in?
One can save themselves a lot of frustration by simply paying attention to the emotional health of those we interact with and modify our own interaction accordingly.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
What is on your bucket list?
I suspect for frequent international travelers something like this may well be on the bucket list.
What It's like to Fly the $23,000 Singapore Airlines Suites Class
One of the most important attributes of leaders
One of the most important attributes of leaders is flexibility. I am not talking the physical kind but the flexibility to adjust their preferred plans in order to meet the needs of those they lead. Some things are not negotiable but there are far more things that are negotiable than most leaders recognize.
In my upcoming book, Deep Influence, I write this about leaders and flexibility:
"Leaders with high EQ are both self-defined and flexible. Their self-definition becomes a compass directionally, but within that direction they are highly flexible. For some, leadership is telling others what they will do and getting his way. For healthy leaders, the direction setting process includes other key stakeholders, leaving flexibility for them to choose strategies that will take the organization that direction.
In most situations where leaders are inflexible and need to get their own way, the inflexibility is not worth the effort it requires or the problems it causes. God’s design of church leadership as a team is based on the value of the counsel of multiple wise leaders.
Many of the conflicts in which leaders find themselves are a direct result of either poor self-definition or inflexibility to negotiate a common course of action. The leader who is self-defined while also engaged in healthy relational dialogue is a master at flexibly helping other good people come to a common strategy that allows the ministry to move in the preferred direction. Black-and-white individuals tend to polarize rather than bring people together."
I encounter too many leaders whose inflexibility creates conflict which hurts their leadership and the organizations they lead. Ironically flexibility in how we achieve our ends gets us further and faster than inflexibility and the need to get our way!
Flexibility also communicates that we are in this together and is is about us rather than me. Inflexible leaders irritate the very people they lead while flexible leaders are seen as reasonable and team players. Flexibility is also about humility. Pride says I need to get my way. Humility says I will work with others to achieve the ends but I am flexible in the way we get there. One polarizes and the other unites.
My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
In my upcoming book, Deep Influence, I write this about leaders and flexibility:
"Leaders with high EQ are both self-defined and flexible. Their self-definition becomes a compass directionally, but within that direction they are highly flexible. For some, leadership is telling others what they will do and getting his way. For healthy leaders, the direction setting process includes other key stakeholders, leaving flexibility for them to choose strategies that will take the organization that direction.
In most situations where leaders are inflexible and need to get their own way, the inflexibility is not worth the effort it requires or the problems it causes. God’s design of church leadership as a team is based on the value of the counsel of multiple wise leaders.
Many of the conflicts in which leaders find themselves are a direct result of either poor self-definition or inflexibility to negotiate a common course of action. The leader who is self-defined while also engaged in healthy relational dialogue is a master at flexibly helping other good people come to a common strategy that allows the ministry to move in the preferred direction. Black-and-white individuals tend to polarize rather than bring people together."
I encounter too many leaders whose inflexibility creates conflict which hurts their leadership and the organizations they lead. Ironically flexibility in how we achieve our ends gets us further and faster than inflexibility and the need to get our way!
Flexibility also communicates that we are in this together and is is about us rather than me. Inflexible leaders irritate the very people they lead while flexible leaders are seen as reasonable and team players. Flexibility is also about humility. Pride says I need to get my way. Humility says I will work with others to achieve the ends but I am flexible in the way we get there. One polarizes and the other unites.
My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Lord have mercy!
For my sin and brokenness
Lord Have Mercy
For my pride and self sufficiency
Lord Have Mercy
For my neglect of You
Lord Have Mercy
For the horrors in the Middle East
For my pride and self sufficiency
Lord Have Mercy
For my neglect of You
Lord Have Mercy
For the horrors in the Middle East
Lord Have Mercy
For those who are victims of Ebola and fear
Lord Have Mercy
For those who suffer serious illness
Lord Have Mercy
For the divide in our country
Lord Have Mercy
For the marginalized and broken
Lord Have Mercy
For Christians under persecution
Lord Have Mercy
For those who suffer unjustly
Lord Have Mercy
For the brokenhearted
Lord Have Mercy
It is an ancient phrase found in the Psalms.
We need it daily more than ever.
Take a moment and listen to this wonderful song
and ask the Lord for Mercy where you need it today.
A cogent response to the Supreme Court's refusal to get in the way of Gay marriage
See this short article in MOOR to the POINT
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Honoring the past while building for the future in the local church
I have a bone to pick with two groups in the local church. The first is with those who are so intent on preserving the past that they do not allow the church to move forward into the future. It is a recipe for a slow death and a slide into irrelevance. In fact, a focus on the past is one of the hallmarks of an institutional church that is inward looking and protective of anything that threatens the status quo. The past is the past and is not the path to the future.
The second is bone to pick is with those in the church (often pastors and leaders) who exclusively focus on the future to the marginalization of the past. Here are leaders who in their drive to be relevant to the next generation focus all energies and programming to the next generation at the expense of those who have come before - think older than 55. Just as the first group marginalizes the next generation, this group marginalizes the prior generation and have an attitude of, be flexible, get with it or find another place to worship.
Neither option is balanced and both marginalize people that God loves and are important to Him.
I believe that we ought to honor the past while building for the future. Honoring the past means that we listen to the older generations who built the church, listen to their perspectives, seek to meet their needs and actively work to engage them in mentoring and coaching the younger generations. Because they are not the future does not mean they are no longer relevant and all of us find ourselves in that category sooner than later as we age.
Building for the future is absolutely critical as our challenge in the church is always to reach the next generation. That will mean that our ministry needs to be relevant to those upcoming generations. But, not to the marginalization of those who have come before. It saddens me when in our pragmatic culture we are willing to marginalize whole segments of our churches because they don't meet our targeted audience. I just cannot see Jesus doing that.
I talk to many seniors in local congregations who feel marginalized and unimportant to the ministry of the church. And I am not talking about selfish people. They simply wish the church cared about all people rather than some people. They want the next generation reached for Jesus but also want to be valued and engaged. It is all about honoring the past while building for the future.
My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
The second is bone to pick is with those in the church (often pastors and leaders) who exclusively focus on the future to the marginalization of the past. Here are leaders who in their drive to be relevant to the next generation focus all energies and programming to the next generation at the expense of those who have come before - think older than 55. Just as the first group marginalizes the next generation, this group marginalizes the prior generation and have an attitude of, be flexible, get with it or find another place to worship.
Neither option is balanced and both marginalize people that God loves and are important to Him.
I believe that we ought to honor the past while building for the future. Honoring the past means that we listen to the older generations who built the church, listen to their perspectives, seek to meet their needs and actively work to engage them in mentoring and coaching the younger generations. Because they are not the future does not mean they are no longer relevant and all of us find ourselves in that category sooner than later as we age.
Building for the future is absolutely critical as our challenge in the church is always to reach the next generation. That will mean that our ministry needs to be relevant to those upcoming generations. But, not to the marginalization of those who have come before. It saddens me when in our pragmatic culture we are willing to marginalize whole segments of our churches because they don't meet our targeted audience. I just cannot see Jesus doing that.
I talk to many seniors in local congregations who feel marginalized and unimportant to the ministry of the church. And I am not talking about selfish people. They simply wish the church cared about all people rather than some people. They want the next generation reached for Jesus but also want to be valued and engaged. It is all about honoring the past while building for the future.
My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
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