Thirty three years ago November was the first Thanksgiving that Mary Ann and I celebrated as a married couple. We had almost no furniture (although a bunch of books) and a little apartment that we paid $90 dollars a month rent for. We wanted to so something special so a few days before Thanksgiving we went down to Micky's Diner, a fixture in downtown St. Paul and told the waitress that we would be there at noon on Thanksgiving and would take anyone who showed up to our house for a Thanksgiving feast.
We will never forget that dinner. First, it was amazing how much these folks ate! Then there was the transparency about their lives. One of the woman was a streetwalker, another guy lived in a building basement downtown where he would warm his food on a radiator. One guy was obviously casing our house and the others warned us about him (there was nothing to take and I didn't think he would want our books). When we had a short devotional after dinner, the tears rolled down faces as they sang songs they remembered from church as kids.
And then there was the con-man. His mother was in critical condition in Duluth, Minnesota and he had no money to get there. So I offered to buy him a Greyhound ticket. Thinking I was pretty smart, I took him to the station, bought the ticket and decided to wait till he got on the bus (If I was getting conned, he was at least going to Duluth). But I made the mistake of giving him the ticket and when I turned around he was gone! Oh well.
We will never forget that dinner. Or the individuals who joined us. Or the stories they told us. Or the sad circumstances that led to their situations.
Fast forward. Until a few years ago my wife worked as a school nurse in a middle class suburb of St. Paul with a student population of over 2,000 students. Every day she would come home with another story of kids in pain. Unplanned pregnancies, kids who had not eaten in days because their parents were on meth and all the money had gone to feed the addiction, kids who were shuttled from parent to parent, relative to relative, no one wanting them. Kids who were abused. No soap opera can compete with the stories Mary Ann heard.
Once Mary Ann threw a birthday party for a sixteen year old girl. She didn't know what to do. She had never had a birthday party in her life!
The kids called her their second mom! She always had food in her office for kids that were hungry. She would always listen and always tell them the truth. She loved them unconditionally and they know she was in their corner. She took parents to court to resolve issues and negotiated numerous "special plans" to help kids graduate. They loved their second mom!
Here is my point. We do not need to go to Mickey's diner to find hurting people. They are in our neighborhoods, our schools and our communities. Pain has no boundaries except those we erect because we "wall ourselves off" from the realities of our world, feeling much more comfortable in our Christian ghetto - commonly called the church!
Now that I think about it, the homeless guy, streetwalker, con-man and Mary Ann's hurting students sound like the folks Jesus intentionally went out of his way to meet and love. If we open our eyes, they are all around us, hopeless, hurting, alone, sad, and not knowing that there is One who loves them. When we choose to love the hurting - and the unlovable - they experience Christ's love. Messy work that will never leave us unchanged. That is the cool part. When we share the love of Jesus in tangible ways we become changed, we become a little bit more like Jesus. How cool.
Remember it was the pharisees who didn't want to engage the "sinners" of the world. Jesus engaged them all the time. He was hard on the pharisees because they were hypocrites. He was never hard on sinners, wooing them with his love, acceptance, grace and mercy. How are we doing? How is our church doing?
This is how Isaiah put it:
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Bold or timid church leadership
As one with leadership gifts, I can think of no arena more exciting to use them in than in the church of Jesus Christ. Amazingly. with all the ensuing challenges, difficulties and problems, Christ has chosen the local church as His means to reach the world with His good news. He has never given up on the church, and we can never give up on the church. Our challenge is to grow in our ability to lead well so that the leadership is a joy rather than a burden, and to lead in ways that allow Christ to fulfill His mission for our congregations in the expansion of His Kingdom.
Because many boards have not grappled with critical leadership issues, they live with a high degree of frustration. But there is hope. Over the past decade, I have watched many frustrated boards become energized, active and even high impact as they have made the choice to lead with greater boldness. This can be true for your board as well.
With many boards, there is a significant fear factor that prevents bold leadership. This is the church, after all. What if our decisions make some unhappy? Some probably will; leadership always gets 'pushback' of some kind. But consider the alternative!
Unfortunately, the local church, in general, is one of the most leaderless institutions in America. We have not learned to lead boldly, and we have paid too little attention to the selection of leaders. We have more fear than courage. You may take issue with me. However, think about it: Why is it that despite all of our churches, we make so little impact on our communities in terms of the gospel? Satan must rejoice over this general condition. Timid leaders don't threaten him. Bold and healthy leaders keep him highly occupied.
Almost without exception, congregations that are truly making a difference in their community and experiencing real life change within their body are led by a godly, healthy, bold, energized leadership team - pastoral and volunteer. Leadership matters. It matters to God because the quality of our leadership has direct impact on the depth of His disciples and the effectiveness of His mission.
Many of us do not have training in leadership (and seminaries are not stepping up to the plate). This is often true of pastors. Even though much of a pastor's ministry relates to leadership, few have received leadership training or mentoring. The good news is: We can learn to lead! There are few natural-born leaders. Most of us are 'leaders in training' and will always be learning to lead more effectively. As Paul said, if you are going to lead, "govern diligently" (Romans 12:8). Lead Boldly.
Because many boards have not grappled with critical leadership issues, they live with a high degree of frustration. But there is hope. Over the past decade, I have watched many frustrated boards become energized, active and even high impact as they have made the choice to lead with greater boldness. This can be true for your board as well.
With many boards, there is a significant fear factor that prevents bold leadership. This is the church, after all. What if our decisions make some unhappy? Some probably will; leadership always gets 'pushback' of some kind. But consider the alternative!
Unfortunately, the local church, in general, is one of the most leaderless institutions in America. We have not learned to lead boldly, and we have paid too little attention to the selection of leaders. We have more fear than courage. You may take issue with me. However, think about it: Why is it that despite all of our churches, we make so little impact on our communities in terms of the gospel? Satan must rejoice over this general condition. Timid leaders don't threaten him. Bold and healthy leaders keep him highly occupied.
Almost without exception, congregations that are truly making a difference in their community and experiencing real life change within their body are led by a godly, healthy, bold, energized leadership team - pastoral and volunteer. Leadership matters. It matters to God because the quality of our leadership has direct impact on the depth of His disciples and the effectiveness of His mission.
Many of us do not have training in leadership (and seminaries are not stepping up to the plate). This is often true of pastors. Even though much of a pastor's ministry relates to leadership, few have received leadership training or mentoring. The good news is: We can learn to lead! There are few natural-born leaders. Most of us are 'leaders in training' and will always be learning to lead more effectively. As Paul said, if you are going to lead, "govern diligently" (Romans 12:8). Lead Boldly.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tools for dealing with significant criticism
Everyone in leadership faces the challenge of those who are their critics whether for good reasons or not. The question is not whether we will face our critics but how we will respond to our critics and that response makes all the difference to our leadership.
Critics can be our best friends or become our worst enemies and which it is depends ironically not so much on them as it does on us. It often depends on how we react. Often even with the worst critic whose actions are unhelpful and whose bite is painful there is something for us to learn - if nothing else - how to respond to someone who is angry with us.
Job one with an angry, frustrated or critical individual is to de-escalate the situation. Usually angry people are frustrated. Something has punched their button.
Nothing brings down the level of frustration, anger or conflict like a non-defensive reaction: Something like, "I am really sorry I have caused you that frustration. I would never do so intentionally. Help me understand the issues and what you would suggest if you were in my place." That kind of response immediately takes the wind out of a critics sails, opens up dialogue and asks them for their counsel. It is so rare that it will surprise those who have significant issues with us.
Often times, people want to be heard, to be understood: they do not intend to hurt - even if their criticism hurts. Opening up a dialogue allows that to happen. Asking their counsel, whether you can follow it or not, allows them to be heard.
Asking the next question, "how can I rectify the situation" allows them to speak into the issue that has caused them angst and allows one to stay in relationship even if one cannot come to a fully satisfactory mutual solution. Most people can live with differences if we can stay in relationship with them. That is why defensive reactions are so deadly - they push people away rather than bring them closer together; from you rather than to you.
Further, explaining one's own self (without being defensive) often allows the other party to understand our heart, our perspective and the reasons behind our actions. If they realize that we are not meaning to cause them angst or hardship they will often soften their tone and attitude.
I personally see criticism and conflict as a challenge: Not to win the day necessarily but to do all that I can to win the person. If I want to win them rather than the argument my approach will be very different - and healthier. You won't win all over but you can increase your chances.
Critics can be our best friends or become our worst enemies and which it is depends ironically not so much on them as it does on us. It often depends on how we react. Often even with the worst critic whose actions are unhelpful and whose bite is painful there is something for us to learn - if nothing else - how to respond to someone who is angry with us.
Job one with an angry, frustrated or critical individual is to de-escalate the situation. Usually angry people are frustrated. Something has punched their button.
Nothing brings down the level of frustration, anger or conflict like a non-defensive reaction: Something like, "I am really sorry I have caused you that frustration. I would never do so intentionally. Help me understand the issues and what you would suggest if you were in my place." That kind of response immediately takes the wind out of a critics sails, opens up dialogue and asks them for their counsel. It is so rare that it will surprise those who have significant issues with us.
Often times, people want to be heard, to be understood: they do not intend to hurt - even if their criticism hurts. Opening up a dialogue allows that to happen. Asking their counsel, whether you can follow it or not, allows them to be heard.
Asking the next question, "how can I rectify the situation" allows them to speak into the issue that has caused them angst and allows one to stay in relationship even if one cannot come to a fully satisfactory mutual solution. Most people can live with differences if we can stay in relationship with them. That is why defensive reactions are so deadly - they push people away rather than bring them closer together; from you rather than to you.
Further, explaining one's own self (without being defensive) often allows the other party to understand our heart, our perspective and the reasons behind our actions. If they realize that we are not meaning to cause them angst or hardship they will often soften their tone and attitude.
I personally see criticism and conflict as a challenge: Not to win the day necessarily but to do all that I can to win the person. If I want to win them rather than the argument my approach will be very different - and healthier. You won't win all over but you can increase your chances.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A leadership fable
"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God which he bought with his own blood. I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears."
-Paul in his farewell address to the elders of Ephesus, Acts 20
'Pastor Bill' moved to Pennsylvania as the first pastor in a church plant. Soon after, staff members from the larger 'mother' church stopped by for a visit. Before they left, they said, "We're really praying for you."
At first Bill assumed that they were simply praying for ministry success. Soon, though, he began to realize that they knew something he didn't.
Bill noticed that at the leadership board level in the new church, an individual who was one of the founding members seemed to have veto power. He also noted that when decisions were made that "Chris" didn't like, Bill started to hear the board's confidential discussions become common knowledge among Chris' friends in the congregation, a violation of board policy. These friends would then lobby Bill and others to move in a different direction.
Over several years, Bill watched the elder-board meetings become increasingly difficult and sometimes downright ugly, with language and attitudes from several of the members that shocked him. As well, some on the board who had been close supporters began becoming distant and critical as Chris moved in on those relationships Bill could only conclude that his leadership was being undermined behind the scenes, slowly but surely. He came to deeply dread board meetings after becoming a target on numerous issues.
Pastor Bill was in a conundrum. The church was growing rapidly from a group of about 60 to well over 300. Most members had little idea of the pain behind the scenes, but Bill was increasingly discouraged. He began to see Chris as an arsonist who lit fires all over the church but was never around when the firemen came to extinguish them.
At one congregational meeting, after a vote to overwhelmingly support Bill against a group of dissidents headed by Chris, one of those who wanted Bill to leave loudly stated he was going to withdraw all financial support from the church because of its decision. He then stalked out of the auditorium.
Bill started to ask questions of pastors at the mother church and found that Chris had a problematic history there as well. In fact, the pastor had vowed that Chris would never serve in leadership there again. Chris and his friends were no longer even attending Bill's church but continued sowing seeds of discord and dissension among friends and acquaintances still there.
Eventually, Bill and his wife made the painful decision to leave. His board was not ready to place the two main dissidents under discipline, although board members had been strongly encouraged to do so by many from whom they sought counsel. Bill left, discouraged and clinically depressed.
The congregation was increasingly becoming aware of the underlying power issues. In response to Bill's leaving and the lack of resolution to those power plays, more than half of the congregation left after a series of congregational meetings even as Chris returned to the church and reclaimed a leadership role.
A new pastor was called, and he was out of the ministry within a short number of years. A third pastor was called, and he, too, left amid power issues within a short number of years.
Finally, the local bishop intervened on the same issue where the church board had not acted, insisting that Chris could no longer serve in any leadership position in the church. The church had churned up three pastors and left numerous wounded members it its wake. One individual who had watched the destruction observed that this church had hurt more people than it had helped.
How many of us have watched similar situations where leaders have not had the courage to confront toxic, divisive individuals who wound the sheep and divide the bride of Christ? Even those who hide behind a mask of 'spirituality' and 'concern' for the church. One of the primary roles of a shepherd is to protect the flock from harm. David actually fought lions to protect his flock, but we are often unwilling to confront divisive individuals who do as much damage as a lion loose among the sheep!
Those leaders' reluctance to confront was an egregious but common failure. Amazingly, church leaders often allow behavior to flourish that would not be permitted in the secular business workplace.
Conflict will occur in the church, even those with attentive shepherds. So how we handle conflict is important. The scriptural principle (see Matthew 18, 1 Corinthians 5, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 and Galatians 6:1-2) is to start gently and with prayer in the hope that we can persuade those causing harm to move away from their sin. If this is not successful, we are to apply successive steps of pressure, always seeking resolution and a restoration to fellowship. When all else fails, Scripture calls for the individual to be put out of the body - again, with the hope that this action will cause him or her to turn back to God. All confrontation is to be done in love, accompanied by firmness.
Most people do not like conflict and confrontation (beware of those who do). We live in a day of political correctness, where it is not popular to label behavior as "wrong." We are told that it not right "to judge" others. None of us sign up for leadership to deal with sinful people and ugly situations.
The question is: Do we love God's flock as much as He loves His flock? When we confront false teaching, sinful behavior or division in the body, we are simply acting on His behalf as shepherds of His flock and in obedience to His command in order to protect His sheep for whom He gave His life. Are we willing to put up with momentary discomfort in order to protect people for whom Jesus was willing to die? This is an unwelcome but necessary part of the leadership calling.
-Paul in his farewell address to the elders of Ephesus, Acts 20
'Pastor Bill' moved to Pennsylvania as the first pastor in a church plant. Soon after, staff members from the larger 'mother' church stopped by for a visit. Before they left, they said, "We're really praying for you."
At first Bill assumed that they were simply praying for ministry success. Soon, though, he began to realize that they knew something he didn't.
Bill noticed that at the leadership board level in the new church, an individual who was one of the founding members seemed to have veto power. He also noted that when decisions were made that "Chris" didn't like, Bill started to hear the board's confidential discussions become common knowledge among Chris' friends in the congregation, a violation of board policy. These friends would then lobby Bill and others to move in a different direction.
Over several years, Bill watched the elder-board meetings become increasingly difficult and sometimes downright ugly, with language and attitudes from several of the members that shocked him. As well, some on the board who had been close supporters began becoming distant and critical as Chris moved in on those relationships Bill could only conclude that his leadership was being undermined behind the scenes, slowly but surely. He came to deeply dread board meetings after becoming a target on numerous issues.
Pastor Bill was in a conundrum. The church was growing rapidly from a group of about 60 to well over 300. Most members had little idea of the pain behind the scenes, but Bill was increasingly discouraged. He began to see Chris as an arsonist who lit fires all over the church but was never around when the firemen came to extinguish them.
At one congregational meeting, after a vote to overwhelmingly support Bill against a group of dissidents headed by Chris, one of those who wanted Bill to leave loudly stated he was going to withdraw all financial support from the church because of its decision. He then stalked out of the auditorium.
Bill started to ask questions of pastors at the mother church and found that Chris had a problematic history there as well. In fact, the pastor had vowed that Chris would never serve in leadership there again. Chris and his friends were no longer even attending Bill's church but continued sowing seeds of discord and dissension among friends and acquaintances still there.
Eventually, Bill and his wife made the painful decision to leave. His board was not ready to place the two main dissidents under discipline, although board members had been strongly encouraged to do so by many from whom they sought counsel. Bill left, discouraged and clinically depressed.
The congregation was increasingly becoming aware of the underlying power issues. In response to Bill's leaving and the lack of resolution to those power plays, more than half of the congregation left after a series of congregational meetings even as Chris returned to the church and reclaimed a leadership role.
A new pastor was called, and he was out of the ministry within a short number of years. A third pastor was called, and he, too, left amid power issues within a short number of years.
Finally, the local bishop intervened on the same issue where the church board had not acted, insisting that Chris could no longer serve in any leadership position in the church. The church had churned up three pastors and left numerous wounded members it its wake. One individual who had watched the destruction observed that this church had hurt more people than it had helped.
How many of us have watched similar situations where leaders have not had the courage to confront toxic, divisive individuals who wound the sheep and divide the bride of Christ? Even those who hide behind a mask of 'spirituality' and 'concern' for the church. One of the primary roles of a shepherd is to protect the flock from harm. David actually fought lions to protect his flock, but we are often unwilling to confront divisive individuals who do as much damage as a lion loose among the sheep!
Those leaders' reluctance to confront was an egregious but common failure. Amazingly, church leaders often allow behavior to flourish that would not be permitted in the secular business workplace.
Conflict will occur in the church, even those with attentive shepherds. So how we handle conflict is important. The scriptural principle (see Matthew 18, 1 Corinthians 5, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 and Galatians 6:1-2) is to start gently and with prayer in the hope that we can persuade those causing harm to move away from their sin. If this is not successful, we are to apply successive steps of pressure, always seeking resolution and a restoration to fellowship. When all else fails, Scripture calls for the individual to be put out of the body - again, with the hope that this action will cause him or her to turn back to God. All confrontation is to be done in love, accompanied by firmness.
Most people do not like conflict and confrontation (beware of those who do). We live in a day of political correctness, where it is not popular to label behavior as "wrong." We are told that it not right "to judge" others. None of us sign up for leadership to deal with sinful people and ugly situations.
The question is: Do we love God's flock as much as He loves His flock? When we confront false teaching, sinful behavior or division in the body, we are simply acting on His behalf as shepherds of His flock and in obedience to His command in order to protect His sheep for whom He gave His life. Are we willing to put up with momentary discomfort in order to protect people for whom Jesus was willing to die? This is an unwelcome but necessary part of the leadership calling.
Monday, July 8, 2013
SDR: For mature audiences only
OK, I acknowledge up front that a few who read this blog will possibly be distressed by the language. That being said, I will write it anyway.Every organization should have a rule about bad stuff that happens - and it will. The bad stuff might be an employee who gets into trouble, a stupid decision that leads to unintended consequences or some other "bad news."
The rule is that leaders and supervisors and boards do not like surprises so when bad stuff happens - and it will, they need to be told immediately, no matter how bad the situation is.
In our organization we call it SDR. It is the Sh*t Disclosure Rule. I use SDR intentionally among our staff because it is something they will not forget - since that is not language we normally use.
What I tell them is that I recognize that bad stuff happens. When it does I want to know immediately, not later, not after they have tried to contain it but immediately. I will be more unhappy if I don't hear about it or if it comes later as a surprise. Likewise, if anything bad happens in my division of our organization, I send my boss an SDR email or make a phone call.
Why do I want to know? Because I don't want a surprise and because I want the option of either myself or another leader helping to manage whatever situation it might be. SDR goes with another embedded rule, "No surprises." No leader likes surprises or wants to hear from others what he or she should have heard firsthand from someone in the chain of supervision.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
When the church hurts people
A friend asked recently, do you have a book on Christ's love for the church? She is a pastor's spouse who is feeling deep ambivalence about her husband's ministry having experienced deep pain - inflicted by - yes - churches they have served.
She was looking for some reinforcement that Christ does in fact love His bride because her experience with the bride has been very painful and there are days that her love for the bride borders on something less than love.
It is deeply ironic that all to often the church which is here only because of the pure, unrelenting, grace filled and mercy bathed love of Jesus is a place of pain, hurt, dysfunction and sometimes actual abuse of those who are a part of it. Explaining this away with a casual "we live in a fallen world," while true, is a poor excuse since the body of Christ is a redeemed people who are supposed to look like Christ - exuding like him that pure, unrelenting, grace filled and mercy bathed love toward one another.
In his high priestly prayer of John 17, Jesus prays that those who believe in Him "may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me, and have loved them even as you have love me."
Our love and unity, according to Christ is the proof of His divinity. That is what He says. If that is true, then the corollary is also true: our disunity and our lack of love communicates that He is not indeed God. Love and unity in the church breeds faith in those who see it. Lack of love and disunity in the church breed atheism in those who see it. One is proof of His divinity, the other effectively denies his divinity. One reflects Christ and the other denies Christ.
How many churches reflect Christ? How many deny Him?
I have the privilege and opportunity to visit many churches. When I walk into some of them the welcoming, grace filled and loving culture is evident from the time I enter till the time I leave. There is a transparency among people, a felt unity and a highly engaged worship service - which happens when there is unity.
Others are cold, sterile, formal, non-transparent, filled with politics and congregations that are unresponsive when I speak (OK, maybe it is my preaching). Which of these kinds of churches is likely to attract people? Which is likely to be on that causes people pain? It is not hard to figure out.
I am not down on the church. Those that act like the Bride that they are are wonderful communities to be a part of because they reflect the grace, love and relationships of the who died for her. Those that don't act like the bride - they hurt people and they hurt Christ and they give His Bride a bad name.
I wish my friend did not need to find a book on Christ's love for the church. I wish the church so demonstrated His love, mercy, grace and character that it would be enough proof of His divine presence and power.
She was looking for some reinforcement that Christ does in fact love His bride because her experience with the bride has been very painful and there are days that her love for the bride borders on something less than love.
It is deeply ironic that all to often the church which is here only because of the pure, unrelenting, grace filled and mercy bathed love of Jesus is a place of pain, hurt, dysfunction and sometimes actual abuse of those who are a part of it. Explaining this away with a casual "we live in a fallen world," while true, is a poor excuse since the body of Christ is a redeemed people who are supposed to look like Christ - exuding like him that pure, unrelenting, grace filled and mercy bathed love toward one another.
In his high priestly prayer of John 17, Jesus prays that those who believe in Him "may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me." "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me, and have loved them even as you have love me."
Our love and unity, according to Christ is the proof of His divinity. That is what He says. If that is true, then the corollary is also true: our disunity and our lack of love communicates that He is not indeed God. Love and unity in the church breeds faith in those who see it. Lack of love and disunity in the church breed atheism in those who see it. One is proof of His divinity, the other effectively denies his divinity. One reflects Christ and the other denies Christ.
How many churches reflect Christ? How many deny Him?
I have the privilege and opportunity to visit many churches. When I walk into some of them the welcoming, grace filled and loving culture is evident from the time I enter till the time I leave. There is a transparency among people, a felt unity and a highly engaged worship service - which happens when there is unity.
Others are cold, sterile, formal, non-transparent, filled with politics and congregations that are unresponsive when I speak (OK, maybe it is my preaching). Which of these kinds of churches is likely to attract people? Which is likely to be on that causes people pain? It is not hard to figure out.
I am not down on the church. Those that act like the Bride that they are are wonderful communities to be a part of because they reflect the grace, love and relationships of the who died for her. Those that don't act like the bride - they hurt people and they hurt Christ and they give His Bride a bad name.
I wish my friend did not need to find a book on Christ's love for the church. I wish the church so demonstrated His love, mercy, grace and character that it would be enough proof of His divine presence and power.
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