Signs of good and bad EQ

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

I just wish someone would listen

I am currently staying at a hotel in Kinshasa, Congo, a sprawling city of some 12 million people. My hotel stay has been both a blessing (running water, electricity, a toilet and air conditioning) and a lesson in patience (worst internet service ever, marginal food and terrible service).

The service thing! What is that? It seems to be non-existent in my hotel. That I am paying to stay here seems to staff a privilege rather than the right to expect service. 

The other day I needed TP which had not been restocked by the maid cleaning the room. I made three calls to the front desk with them telling me each time it was on the way. When it never arrived I went down the front desk in person, told them I was not leaving until the TP arrived and just waited. The front desk guy calls the general manager of the hotel (I guess it takes his OK for everything) who OK'd the TP. Three hours of frustration and no one cared. Time after time I have been told that something cannot be done.

Another thing. The guy who runs the hotel is Chinese (like many enterprises in Congo, the hotel is owned by a firm in China) who doesn't speak French and the folks who work in the hotel don't speak Chinese so communication is a constant issue. And of course almost no-one speaks English notwithstanding the fact that they have contracts with the US Embassy and the UN. All of which means that getting a problem explained from English to French to Chinese back to French and back to English is well - a recipe for major frustration. The guy who actually runs security for the hotel (a big deal in Kinshasa) has to speak to the General Manager through an interpreter which seems just a mite bit scary. I'm thinking the US Embassy would not like that scenario.

So I could go on but will forgo my other issues like the day it took all afternoon and conversations with eight people to get a room change. (Yes it came down to the GM in the end. He must be a really busy guy because it is a big hotel.) But I found myself really wanting to just talk to someone who would listen about the frustrations I had. I tried numerous times but everyone seemed to shrug their shoulders and say sorry and do nothing about it.

Then riding up the elevator last evening I met a guy from France who runs the hotel's restaurants and told him my list of woes about the service in the hotel. This guy (Angel) stayed on the elevator until he got to my floor, listened carefully, apologized profusely and told me the inside story. Evidently I was not the only one who experienced frustration and the GM who had to be called to give me TP was just yesterday dispatched home and a new GM has arrived to whip the place into shape.

The fact that I found someone who would genuinely listen to me, respond non-defensively and really care - and told me to call him if I encountered any more issues evaporated most of my frustration.

Which got me to thinking about a principle. When people are frustrated for whatever reason, if there is no one to listen and dialogue that frustration can turn into anger, bitterness and untrue assumptions. I see it in churches all the time. But when a leader will sit down and genuinely listen, be non-defensive and genuinely want to understand it makes all the difference in the world. You may or may not be able to solve the problem but listening and understanding is half the battle.

Until Angel came along, no one listened or seemed to care which caused frustration. His listening and and non-defensive attitude made all the difference. A lesson for all of us. Next time I have a problem Angle is my phone call rather than the front desk. And he does speak English. 

Oh, now I know why I should have paid attention to my French classes in Junior high. But I guess it is too late.

Growing our leadership effectiveness

For those leaders young or mature who desire to grow their effectiveness - and the need for growth never diminishes as long as we are leading - here are some suggestions.

Spend time with other good leaders
It is amazing what even excellent leaders learn in dialogue with other good leaders. In fact, it will rub off both ways. Really good leaders are really good thinkers and I always learn new insights when I am around other good leaders. 

Reflect often
Leaders are busy and busyness robs us of the opportunity to reflect on critical issues we are facing. Simply slowing down for a day or a season so that one has time to reflect will harvest many ideas that would not otherwise come.

Stay focused
The best leaders do a few critical things well and don't allow themselves to be distracted by the ancillary or urgent in place of the important. One of the benefits of reflection is that it allows focus. Lack of reflection leads to lack of focus. Put on paper those truly important things for you to pay attention to and keep that in front of you.

Know what your big rocks are
There are big rocks, little rocks, pebbles and sand. For leaders, the majority of their time needs to be on the big rocks rather than the place that many leaders gravitate too. It is part of staying focused.

Think future
Leaders must lead their team or organization into the future. That means we need to be identifying the way forward. No one else will think of the future for us. Again time for reflection becomes critical.

Don't ignore threats
Effective leaders have a radar for threats to the health of their team or the success of the organization. Often threats are not pleasant but the more effectively they are addressed the better the future. This is an area of needed growth for many.

Read selectively
Maybe ten percent of what is on the market in the leadership arena is worth reading. Swap articles and blogs with other leaders you know that will stimulate your thinking. we are looking for that one good idea that is worth applying - in our way.

Lead from who God made you to be
God wired and gifted us uniquely. The more we understand our own gifting the better we will lead - if we are willing to lead out of those strengths. We can never lead like someone else. We can learn from them but we must lead from who God made us to be. The more we understand us, the better we will lead.

From the archives: Life as a journey from brockeness to wholeness

There are many ways of looking at the journey of life but I am convinced that one of the most important is seeing it as a journey from brokenness to wholeness through our walk with Jesus. One of the ironies of age is that the older we grow the more cognizant we are of our own sinfulness and inherent brokenness. That in itself is a great blessing because it sets us on a path toward the kind of life wholeness that Jesus came to bring. 

One of the most encouraging things Jesus said was that he had come so that we could "have life and have it to the full." The New Living Translation puts it this way. "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." Jesus desires to enter into our brokenness and bring wholeness - in all areas of life and in all those places where our own fallen nature and sin has brought pain or lessened the joy of life. 

We often look at our sinful tendencies with despair, knowing how often we fall into them and hurt ourselves. Jesus, however, looks at them with hope - the hope that comes from knowing that He came to lift us out of that misery and lead us to a life of greater and greater satisfaction in Him as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit to move from sinful tendencies to righteous tendencies. Jesus is under no illusions as to who we are by ourselves. He has a high and amazing view of who we can be - and are - through His redemption of our lives:

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1:11-14)."

We need to start seeing ourselves as Jesus sees us and in response to his high and exalted view of who He has made us to be, press into those areas where we still live with brokenness and work with Him toward greater wholeness. It is not necessary to live with the disappointment of our brokenness. Rather we can see life as a journey with Christ toward wholeness and do our part in putting off those things that hold us back and put on those things that are like Him and will lead us forward. 

Let's get practical: What is the one thing God has been talking to you about regarding your need to move from brokenness to wholeness? Are you/we willing to focus on that one thing for the next month and allow Him with your cooperation to take the next healing step of your journey? 


There will be a day when we are completely whole - when we see Jesus face to face. The greatest gift we can give to Him and to ourselves until that day is to keep walking from what we were to what God created us to be. It is a journey of hope, healing, anticipation, ever increasing joy as our hearts become more like His heart. Remember we were made in His image and while that image was compromised by sin, He came to reclaim us and His image in us.

Seven internal threats to any ministry organization

Every organization faces threats to it's existence and future health. Leaders are often aware of external threats such as funding and the effectiveness of their ministry. We often spend less time considering the internal threats that lurk and threaten the ministry's future, whether under our tenure or our successor's tenure. These threats are often more dangerous than external threats.

Lack of clarity 
Few threats are more dangerous that a lack of missional clarity. Diffusion of focus means that different leaders within the organization will choose their own focus leading to multiple agendas and the resulting silos within the ministry. This is a serious threat because it divides the ministry from within. Many well meaning but disparate agendas cannot substitute for a clearly articulated vision, mission, common guiding principles, and clearly delineated culture.

Undefined DNA
Every organization has a culture, a DNA. Unfortunately, many have multiple cultures which means they don't really have one culture. This is not only confusing to staff but differing cultures will bring division and conflict within the organization. Ironically, it is something that we can control and create if we choose to.

Overlooked behaviors
Especially in ministries but in many business settings, we overlook behaviors that are toxic to the health of the organization. Either we don't want to lose the person (in spite of their behavior), don't want to deal with it (conflict avoidance) or just become used to it even when it is destructive to others and ultimately to the organization. When we overlook unhealthy behaviors we allow those behaviors to sabotage the organization and we send a message that such behaviors are OK.

Lack of a leadership bench
This one is very dangerous. The test of great leadership is not what happens when we are leading but when we leave because it reveals what we did or did not leave behind. The most important thing we can gift the organization with is the next generation of leaders. Not only is it dangerous to ignore this but it is selfish because someone will inherit what we leave behind.

Inadequate focus on real results
All organizations are busy with a great deal of activity. The question, though is not whether we have activity but whether we have results based on our clarity (see above). Most ministries assume that the results are good but do not have a realistic mechanism for ensuring that they actually are. Remember, activity does not equal results. It may just equal activity.

Poor staff development
Every organization says that its people are its most important asset but many do little in the way of coaching, mentoring and developing. To not place significant and intentional emphasis on what truly is your most important asset is to rob your staff of becoming all they could become and to shortchange the impact of your organization.

Lack of focus on healthy teams
Organizations are made up of groups and those groups are either healthy teams or dysfunctional teams. Aligned, results oriented healthy teams working synergistically together under good leadership are the building blocks of a healthy and productive organization. Unless there is health at the team level there will not be health at the organizational level.

The good news about internal threats to our success is that we can do something significant about them. We cannot control external threats but we can contain internal threats. 

Spiritual Narcissism - From the archives

One could immediately say “that is an oxymoron,” and they would be right. However, as unhealthy and destructive as narcissism is, adding the spiritual component to it is even deadlier. My observation is that there are a disproportionate number of “spiritual narcissists” who find their way into Christian ministry. Perhaps it is easier to get away with this behavior in the church where we are reticent to name unhealthy behavior for what it is. Unfortunately they leave relational havoc in their wake wherever they are found. That is a consistent pattern.

Narcissism is really pride gone amuck without the counterbalance of humility. It can be very subtle or it can be “in your face.” Often times it is hidden behind a compelling personality that draws others to them but often in unhealthy ways such as emotional triangulation where I draw you into my orbit by creating a bond with you against another individual or group. The bond and friendship, often very close, lasts as long as you agree with them and once you start to disagree or think independently you find yourself on the outside.

What are the signs of narcissism? Consider these.

• The inability to admit that one was wrong.

• The deflecting of any criticism back to you or others. In this scenario, whenever you seek to confront behavior that is unacceptable it somehow becomes your fault and your issue, not theirs. Narcissists are unable to see and accept their own faults.

• Strong reactions when confronted with behavior that is unhealthy. These individuals will go to great lengths to prove to you and others that it is not about them but about you. They are fighters and it is not always fair. Any criticism of a narcissist is immediately resisted because life is all about them.

• The tendency to draw others in to emotional triangles as a means of keeping them on “their side.” Narcissists are experts at drawing others into their stuff at least for a time. These “friends” often pick up the offense and join the narcissist in their fight. Narcissists are intuitive experts in finding people who are willing to side with them and take up their cause – regardless of the facts in the case.

• Inability to give up a fight over something – they need to win. There are no simple conversations with a narcissist. They love long dialogue and debates because they have something to prove and a lot to lose.

• The tendency to draw lines and demonize those who don’t agree with them. With a narcissist, you are either their good friend or their worst enemy.

• The inability to reason with them – every issue becomes complicated and drawn out because they cannot just say, “I was wrong” and must somehow justify their actions and rightness no matter how absurd the line of reasoning is. When everything is complicated with an individual and you are unable to make headway through long dialogue there is a good sign that you have narcissistic tendencies on your hand.

• The need to defend one’s reputation at all costs by proving that others are wrong.

• The ability to maneuver situations to suit them, make themselves look good and engender compassion for their situation.

·  Wherever you have a narcissist, you have complicated relationships where alliances are formed and where people eventually get hurt and discarded when they no longer toe the line. One narcissist on a team can cause havoc with the whole team and often people don’t really understand the dynamics of what is happening. By definition, a narcissist will divide people into those who are with them and those who are against them which divides teams and causes ugly division.

The spiritual narcissist is one who not only has tendencies like these but who then brings Scripture and God into the equation. Not only are they right but God is on their side! Any disagreement becomes grounds for “reconciliation between brothers” which really means, “You need to agree with me.” For narcissistic leaders, it often means, “God is leading me (and therefore you) in this direction and you must follow.” Those who question or don’t wholeheartedly follow become marginalized. When you confront, “you are not loving.” When you have a disagreement, “brothers need to live in unity.” When you discipline for behavior that is not healthy, “you don’t have grace.” In other words, you never win, you are always the one who is at fault and not only have you violated them but Scripture or God as well. You cannot win for losing!

All of this can make one crazy and wonder if it is indeed them that are at fault – after all narcissists are experts at making you feel that way. Ironically, a narcissist finds great pleasure in causing you pain while those they inflict it on are actually sensitive to the very issues raised because their own humility is greater than that of the narcissist.  This is where being wise as serpents and innocent as doves comes into play. We need to understand the MO of a narcissist and insist that the behavior is unacceptable no matter how much they deflect issues back to us.

God never wastes anything in our biography. That is grace

I love the stories of Biblical characters because in them we find God’s grace in action. They are real, often gritty, have issues, failures and questions but God uses them in amazing ways. One such story is that of Moses, one of the towering figures in the Old Testament and one of the most ordinary of human beings to ever live. That his ordinariness could be used in extraordinary ways is all grace! The kind of grace that God extends to every one of us.

You remember the setting well. Pharaoh is fearful that the Israelites are becoming too numerous so he subjugates them to a life of slavery. In addition, he tells the midwives to kill all the male babies that are born to keep the population down. Their response is to claim that the babies are born before they can get there and refuse to carry out his order. So Moses is born, put in a reed basket and just happens to be found by Pharaoh’s daughter and just happens to become an adopted member of their family. The child born to be a slave is instead raised in a Palace.

Now that may sound like a good deal to us but it caused all kinds of issues for Moses. He knew who he actually was. He knew he did not deserve the palace. He knew he was now living in a family that was keeping his own people in subjugation. He knew that he should do something but didn't know what or how until one day when he was forty he took matters into his own hands, killed an Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew and had to run for his life.

Think about Moses situation. He had identity issues. He had anger issues. He was a felon on the run from the law. His life should have been one of slavery but it was the palace instead. Now he has lost everything and is a homeless guy. He had a deep sense of righteousness and justice but it all went wrong. If there was Prozac back in the day, Moses would have been on it. If there was anger management class back in the day Moses would be in it. This was not how life was meant to turn out.

Have you ever felt that way? Life didn't turn out the way it was supposed to? Life isn't fair? Did you ever think when you were young that you would still be struggling with the stuff you struggle with today? I thought when I grew up, that stuff would be gone but like Moses, we still carry a lot of issues around. Like him, we are profoundly human and profoundly flawed by sin. Like him our desire for justice and righteousness is often disappointed.  We know we are on God’s side of many issues but we still end up with the short straw like Moses did. And like him we wonder why.

Moses had every right to wonder where God was in this equation, just as we do. What he could not see and what we often don’t see is that God is not limited by our failures, sin or situation. In fact, he is the only one who can take every failure, setback, and situation and redeem it for his purposes. That is grace. That is God.

Life is not the series of random events that it often seems to be. In each of our lives there is an unseen hand that is weaving a tapestry that on the back side which we see is jumbled and messy and hard to figure out but on the front side which we will see in eternity is beautiful and exquisitely woven, the colors perfect, the lines impeccable. We see the back side in all of its chaos but God sees the front in all of its beauty. That was what God was doing in Moses’s life and that is what he is doing in our lives.

Think about Moses biography: It was the very biography that would enable him to carry out his greatest assignment, the deliverance of his people from Egypt. His palace experience gave him insight into how to deal with the Pharaoh. His experience with injustice gave him empathy for his people. His failures made him rely on God rather than on himself.  In every way, his biography became the foundation for what God eventually called him to do.

What Moses did not realize was that God was going to take his whole biography, his birth that should have been death, his palace experience and training, his sense of injustice at the Egyptians and even his profound sense of inadequacy and use it for his purposes to bring the people out of Egypt.

Consider your journey and your biography. I am sure it did not go as you thought. I am sure that like me you have regrets. I am sure we have all experienced pain. But remember this. It is the grace of God that none of our biography is ever wasted. God takes it all and redeems it all for his purposes. That is grace. That is our God.