Staying away from those whose presence brings with it controversy, conflict and division

As you read the following description, think about whether you have met people like them. 

When they are present, they bring with them controversy, conflict and dissention. They seem to be most interested in themselves rather than in others and in their wake they leave broken relationships, confusion and people taking sides. They can be brilliant, visionary, persuasive and win the debate but when they are gone things get much more peaceful. You don't get the full affect of their presence until they are gone. 

Paul talks about these kinds of people in 1 Timothy 6:4-5. "He is conceited and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction..."

Whether clothed in great vision, God talk, or success, stay away from people whose presence creates envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction. Why? Because none of these character traits come from God. They come from selfish individuals and the Evil One, but not from the God of peace. They are not healthy!

Usually these individuals suffer from narcissism. The very fact that they are willing to create controversies and divisions is that they believe themselves right, want people to agree with them and marginalize those who don't. Often the conflict and division they bring revolves around them getting their way.

Healthy individuals are people of peace, are gracious, speak kindly, are not naturally suspicious and don't create strife. Nor do they divide people. In fact, they do all they can to bring people together.

I love to hang with the latter. I have learned not to hang with the former. One brings life and the other diminishes healthy relationships. And that raises the question of which category we fit into.

The benefits of acknowledging and embracing your weaknesses

Successful people change in ways that allow them to continue to take advantage of their strengths while compensating for their weaknesses and unsuccessful people don't....beneficial change begins when you can acknowledge and even embrace your weaknesses.

Ray Dalio in Principles

I don't know anyone who does not embrace their strengths. All of us are good at some things and when we are operating in that sweet spot it is fulfilling and relatively easy. In fact, it is so easy "in the sweet spot" to forget that all strengths have a weak side and that if we don't understand, embrace and acknowledge our weak side, it can hijack our strengths!

So what are the benefits of acknowledging and embracing your weaknesses? 

Self Knowledge

Understanding ourselves is the single most important key to long term success. To often we assume that we know ourselves when in fact we know the up sides of who we are but intentionally or unintentionally ignore the down sides. This leads to a highly inaccurate understanding of who we really are which will get us into trouble at some point. 

I may be highly strategic and aggressive in my leadership role but if I don't also understand that I am also impatient with others and prone not to listen carefully there is likely to be a price to be paid. A thorough understanding of myself gives me the information I need to play to my strengths and be aware of my weaknesses which is the first step toward managing them. Remember that we often tend to exaggerate our strengths in our thinking and minimize our weaknesses. 

Appreciating others

Too often there can be a narcissistic tendency among those with strong gifts because they have achieved an element of success and start to believe their own press. In the process they devalue others who don't have the gifts they have. This is the opposite of what happens when we acknowledge and embrace our weaknesses.

In embracing our weaknesses we understand that we need others around us whose strengths are the complement and solution to our weaknesses. And our strengths to their weaknesses. This is the foundation of a healthy team and a deeper appreciation for others. I am great at the big picture and overall strategy but not always at the details. Where would I be without those who are brilliant with the details! 

The most successful people are not those who can do everything. They are those who can build a great team around needed skills that compensates for the weaknesses inherent in us all.

Managing our weaknesses

There is no possibility of dealing with our weaknesses unless we first acknowledge and embrace them. I don't believe that we can very often turn a weakness into a strength. Our strengths can be honed and developed because the hard wiring for that strength is part of who we are. However, we often have a need to grow in our areas of weakness so they don't hurt us and more often we must manage those weaknesses so that they don't hurt us or others. This is not possible unless we have an accurate picture of both our strengths and weaknesses. Together they describe who we are and who else we need around us.

Living in personal freedom

A trap that many of us fall into is that of the expectations of others and a personal need to prove that we are highly competent, successful people. This is why we often tout our strengths and ignore our weaknesses. Who wants to advertise their weaknesses?

Except, while we often ignore our down side, those around us already knows what they are. we fool ourselves perhaps but not others. We can live in denial while those around us know the emperor has no clothes! And usually that "pretending" on our part takes a toll. Why not embrace what others already know: Our areas of strength and our areas of weakness. There is freedom in honesty and freedom in not having to prove ourselves in areas where we cannot. And don't need to.

The journey to personal maturity is equally a journey of embracing and growing our strengths and of embracing and managing our weaknesses. The first without the second will not end well.

How much narcissism do we live with?

We would probably be surprised if we understood God's perspective on our narcissistic tendencies. All of us have them even though we would never want to be labeled a narcissist in the clinical sense of the term. Synonyms include vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism and egoism. The common theme is that it is all about "me" and "self." In its extreme form this presents itself as a clinical dysfunction. You probably know someone who displays these characteristics in an extreme form.

At a more subtle level, however, narcissism is something that dogs many of us and we might never notice it. Is my drive to succeed in ministry really about me (self-absorption) or about God? Is our tendency to hold on to material things with a tight hand (often being stingy with God and others about self-centeredness and fear of not having enough or about generosity and an open hand? Does our desire or need for the applause of others, fancy titles, or authority reflect Jesus or our own egotism? Even overconfidence in our decisions can reflect a significant level of narcissism which is why supremely confident leaders rarely listen to the advice or push back of others. 

On the part of leaders, here are some of the behaviors that reflect a level of narcissism.

• Taking credit for work performed by others
• Needing the limelight
• Not listening to the input of others
• Needing to get one's way
• Supreme confidence in all decisions
• A need to be at the center of attention
• Being stingy on thank you's and platforming others
• Insecurity with staff who are better at something than themselves
• Poor treatment of others
• A critical spirit
• Using others for our own agendas
• Defensiveness
• Focus on ourselves and our issues to the exclusion of  the needs of others.
• Quick anger when things don't go our own way
• Being jealous of the success of others
• Needing to be in charge
• Not apologizing for failures

It is worth thinking back over the past month and asking ourselves what decisions reflected narcissistic tendencies and which reflected a generous spirit that looks like Jesus? We are by our lower nature intrinsically selfish (narcissistic) and it is the Holy Spirit's work in our lives that moves us from a focus on self to a focus on Jesus and others. But it is a long journey of a deeper understanding of who we are, what motivates us and where we reflect our own interests more than those of Christ. All of us live with narcissism. The question is how aware we are of it and what we are doing about it. 

Posted from Grand Rapids, MI

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

• 
  

Spiritual Narcissism - From the archives

One could immediately say “that is an oxymoron,” and they would be right. However, as unhealthy and destructive as narcissism is, adding the spiritual component to it is even deadlier. My observation is that there are a disproportionate number of “spiritual narcissists” who find their way into Christian ministry. Perhaps it is easier to get away with this behavior in the church where we are reticent to name unhealthy behavior for what it is. Unfortunately they leave relational havoc in their wake wherever they are found. That is a consistent pattern.

Narcissism is really pride gone amuck without the counterbalance of humility. It can be very subtle or it can be “in your face.” Often times it is hidden behind a compelling personality that draws others to them but often in unhealthy ways such as emotional triangulation where I draw you into my orbit by creating a bond with you against another individual or group. The bond and friendship, often very close, lasts as long as you agree with them and once you start to disagree or think independently you find yourself on the outside.

What are the signs of narcissism? Consider these.

• The inability to admit that one was wrong.

• The deflecting of any criticism back to you or others. In this scenario, whenever you seek to confront behavior that is unacceptable it somehow becomes your fault and your issue, not theirs. Narcissists are unable to see and accept their own faults.

• Strong reactions when confronted with behavior that is unhealthy. These individuals will go to great lengths to prove to you and others that it is not about them but about you. They are fighters and it is not always fair. Any criticism of a narcissist is immediately resisted because life is all about them.

• The tendency to draw others in to emotional triangles as a means of keeping them on “their side.” Narcissists are experts at drawing others into their stuff at least for a time. These “friends” often pick up the offense and join the narcissist in their fight. Narcissists are intuitive experts in finding people who are willing to side with them and take up their cause – regardless of the facts in the case.

• Inability to give up a fight over something – they need to win. There are no simple conversations with a narcissist. They love long dialogue and debates because they have something to prove and a lot to lose.

• The tendency to draw lines and demonize those who don’t agree with them. With a narcissist, you are either their good friend or their worst enemy.

• The inability to reason with them – every issue becomes complicated and drawn out because they cannot just say, “I was wrong” and must somehow justify their actions and rightness no matter how absurd the line of reasoning is. When everything is complicated with an individual and you are unable to make headway through long dialogue there is a good sign that you have narcissistic tendencies on your hand.

• The need to defend one’s reputation at all costs by proving that others are wrong.

• The ability to maneuver situations to suit them, make themselves look good and engender compassion for their situation.

·  Wherever you have a narcissist, you have complicated relationships where alliances are formed and where people eventually get hurt and discarded when they no longer toe the line. One narcissist on a team can cause havoc with the whole team and often people don’t really understand the dynamics of what is happening. By definition, a narcissist will divide people into those who are with them and those who are against them which divides teams and causes ugly division.

The spiritual narcissist is one who not only has tendencies like these but who then brings Scripture and God into the equation. Not only are they right but God is on their side! Any disagreement becomes grounds for “reconciliation between brothers” which really means, “You need to agree with me.” For narcissistic leaders, it often means, “God is leading me (and therefore you) in this direction and you must follow.” Those who question or don’t wholeheartedly follow become marginalized. When you confront, “you are not loving.” When you have a disagreement, “brothers need to live in unity.” When you discipline for behavior that is not healthy, “you don’t have grace.” In other words, you never win, you are always the one who is at fault and not only have you violated them but Scripture or God as well. You cannot win for losing!

All of this can make one crazy and wonder if it is indeed them that are at fault – after all narcissists are experts at making you feel that way. Ironically, a narcissist finds great pleasure in causing you pain while those they inflict it on are actually sensitive to the very issues raised because their own humility is greater than that of the narcissist.  This is where being wise as serpents and innocent as doves comes into play. We need to understand the MO of a narcissist and insist that the behavior is unacceptable no matter how much they deflect issues back to us.

Can I disagree with you and still keep my relationship with you?

One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to disagree with someone and still remain connected relationally. All too often, Christian leaders are unable to do this because they are threatened by those who do not agree with them. I have seen numerous cases, for instance, where a leader or member of a church is marginalized by the senior pastor when that individual disagrees with them.


Leaders who are unable to maintain relationship with those who disagree with them usually divide people into two camps: those that are for me and those that are against me. To live in the first camp usually means to agree with their leader. One gets moved to the second camp when one disagrees with their leader. It is a black and white, for and against world view that damages relationships, hurts the leadership potential of the leader who chooses to marginalize others and divides organizations and congregations. 


Often, church boards are divided by this thinking as the pastor divides in his mind and therefore his relationships those that are for him and those that are against him. It is a toxic behavior.


Here is an interesting question: What lies behind this kind of marginalization of someone who disagrees? I would suggest two answers: insecurity and pride.


Insecurity compels many leaders to need to be right. Anything that challenges their rightness becomes a threat and thus their marginalization of those who disagree with them. The need to be right and its resulting behaviors often masks great insecurity.


Pride and at its worst, narcissism, can also be at the root of this behavior. By definition, a narcissist must be right and anyone who challenges their world view is disregarded, marginalized (ignored) or becomes the enemy. To put it in Facebook terms they are summarily defriended.


This is obviously a tricky issue to confront as the moment one does, one is likely to be marginalized. Boards, because of their authority, can, if they are willing, confront the behavior of a leader. If he or she responds, it will be the kindest thing they ever did. If the issue is narcissism, it is unlikely that there will be any change and the board then has a deeper problem to deal with.


All of us, however, should ask ourselves the question as to whether we exhibit this kind of behavior. It divides, assigns ill motives and hurts teams and organizations. Lets make sure that we are not guilty.

Pride and Christian Leadership

Personal pride and Christian leadership are fundamentally incompatible with one another. 

Signs of pride are easy to spot:

• Loving the praise we get from others
• Name dropping - we are on the in with the big shots
• Letting others know how big and successful our ministries are
• Not listening to others - we have the answers
• Letting others know we are in charge
• Taking credit for success
• Blaming others for failure
• Ignoring our shadow side
• Narcissism (there is a lot of it in Christian leadership) 
• Elevating ourselves
• Defensiveness (pride central)
• Putting others down

Think about this: Pride elevates self but we are to elevate Jesus. Pride says "I accomplished this" when in reality anything of spiritual significance was accomplished by God's power. Pride says, "I made something of myself" when in fact God gave us our skills and wiring as a gift to be used for Him. Pride thinks that our success is a reflection of our greatness when in effect, it is simply a gift from God.

If anyone had a right to pride it was Jesus but where do you see it? He claimed to speak the words of the Father, do the will of the Father and gave all the glory to the Father. He lived for the Father's glory rather than His own. When His disciples vied for position and glory He rebuked them saying that they were living by the world's values not kingdom values. 

The life of Jesus was one of humble dependence and servant leadership. Paul had the same mindset committed to boasting about one thing only - the cross of Christ. He took no credit for his accomplishments, great as they were but gave all the credit to God. He knew that "when he was weak, then he was strong," because it was all about God's power, not his wisdom or power. 

Why is there so much pride, so many egos and may I say it, narcissism among Christian leaders? It does not square with the life of Jesus or the life of Paul or the teaching of Scripture. We are nothing without God. My ability to write blogs and books is simply a gift I have been given. The leadership skills I have were also a gift from God to be used in trust for Him. What do I have to boast about except that God was gracious to me? And if I do take the credit am I not stealing credit from the One who rightly deserves all of it?

It is no wonder that many Christian leaders have major blow ups in their lives and ministries. Pride elevates self and minimizes Jesus and the greater the elevation of ourselves and the minimization of Jesus the more dangerous territory we are in. Narcissism is the ultimate elevation of self and rejection of Him. Once it becomes about us we have lost all ability to lead on His behalf. It is not that God abandons us, we have abandoned Him for all practical purposes.

It was pride that caused Satan to rebel against God. It was pride that prompted Adam and Eve to eat of the tree. It is pride that causes us to elevate ourselves but to the extent we do we are minimizing God. And that is a dangerous path to walk. Our hearts are indeed deceitful above all things. Guarding our hearts against pride is job one of anyone in Christian leadership. 

Relational Intelligence

I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence. 

Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.

Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.

Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.

One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.

Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."

Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.

I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos. 

We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health. 

Good relational intelligence:

• Does not get pulled into others issues
• Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
• Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
• Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
• Is not threatened by disagreement
• Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
• Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
• Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
• Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
• Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
• Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
• Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
• Treats everyone with dignity

Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.

The issue of staff loyalty

"Are they loyal to me?" is the question that many leaders ask themselves about their staff. Sometimes in conflictual situations, a leader will either ask or demand loyalty of their staff. In negotiating through conflict I have often heard the charge, "he or she is not loyal to me as their leader," which usually means they don't belong in the organization anymore.

I believe, by the way that loyalty is a good thing and that healthy organizations and leaders have a great deal of loyalty. There is a difference, however between loyalty and subservience. 

When I hear this kind of thing I always ask the question, "What is your definition of loyalty?" Some of the more interesting and problematic responses I have received are "that he/she agree with me," or "that they do what I tell them to do and how I tell them to do it." For others it means, "never question my decisions (implicitly or explicitly)." I find these problematic definitions because they remove the autonomy of thinking from the staff member and insist that they allow their leader to think for them. That, by the way is how cults start. And how many dysfunctional staffs operate.

In my experience, the removal of staff on a charge that they are not loyal is usually more of a reflection on an insecure or narcissistic leader than it is on the conduct of the staff member. Unless one  can demonstrate that an individual's behavior is harmful to the organization, labeling someone as "disloyal" and marginalizing or firing them is a reflection of an unhealthy leader rather than an unhealthy staff member who may simply be thinking for himself/herself and expressing themselves honestly. Beware of leaders who have a pattern of dismissing or marginalizing people on the basis of a lack of loyalty.

There are gradations of loyalty. Our highest loyalty cannot truly be to any person but it is to God. Thus, if any individual, leader or not, asks us to violate a moral or ethical standard or skirt the truth our loyalty to God trumps our willingness to do as we have been asked even if out of "loyalty."

Our next highest level of loyalty is to the mission of the organization we work for. If I don't believe in the mission of my organization and cannot be loyal to that cause I am in the wrong spot. So while I work for the most empowering leader ever, I do not serve because of him but because of the cause of the organization. He makes it a joy to work for the organization and I might not be there under another leader.

So what about loyalty to our leaders? One dictionary defines loyalty as "Faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend."  Notice that it is couched in the term faithfulness and only to a person or cause that is "deserving of fidelity." In other words, loyalty cannot be demanded but it can be deserved and earned.

But take this one step further. What does faithfulness to a leader entail? It certainly means that we want the very best for them and for the organization they lead. Thus there will be times when we specifically do not agree with them if a decision they are making is going to hurt them or the organization. Loyalty by definition speaks up (respectfully) when one is concerned about and issue. It does not stay passively silent and supportive. Loyalty means that my leaders trusts me to be supportive of him/her and the organization, and not to do anything that would undermine it or them. 

In our organization, I would want these characteristics from our staff: Loyalty to the cause, respect for and cooperation with those who lead, and nothing that undermines either the mission or those who lead including cynicism and mistrust. Honesty and candidness in communication with the best of the organization always in mind. 

I also have a set of expectations for leaders toward those on their teams. Loyalty and respect go two ways.

Leaders who demand loyalty no matter what are merely looking for "yes" people who will do their bidding. Healthy leaders want to be respected but they want their staff to be honest, candid and to think for themselves - and speak up when needed. Unhealthy leaders categorize staff into two camps: those for me or against me - a dysfunctional definition of loyalty and disloyalty. Those who do this lose the support of healthy staff and build a staff of people who know that they cannot cross their leader.  

Five danger zones for leaders that contribute to leadership failure

I have spent a great deal of time lately mulling over the propensity of otherwise good leaders to crash and burn after years of effective leadership. we have examples in Scripture of leaders like King Saul and there are many contemporary examples. But what are the factors and symptoms that most often contribute to good leaders who get themselves into trouble?

One. We neglect our inner life for too long a period of time. This is usually not by design but the busyness of life (leaders are busy) and the demands that are either self imposed or other imposed (and not regulated) cause many leaders to run faster and faster until they are exhausted and the shallowness of a neglected inner life catches up. We can easily rationalize our busyness by thinking that what we are doing we are doing for God but He does not ask us to do anything at the expense of our inner spiritual lives.

Schedule, a fast pace of life fueled by the "importance" of what I am doing are deadly to healthy leaders. Because our outer life is simply a reflection of our inner lives, neglect of the former spells trouble for the latter. The antidote is actually to slow down and do less activity, more introspection and spend more time with God. He does not feed our ego as our activity and other people do but He feeds our tired and hungry hearts. 

Two. We start to believe our own press. People tell us we are good leaders and somewhere along the way we begin to believe that we are better people and leaders than we really are. Our humility erodes and our pride increases until we end up with a highly over inflated view of our leadership, self importance and value to the organization we lead. 

Belief in ourselves, our abilities, when they become over-inflated, cause us to make decisions without adequate input from others (we know the direction, we know the truth north) and even make over-calculations as to the impact of those decisions. After all we have a history of making good calls so this one must be a good one as well. 

The antidote is never to believe the press others give you but to cultivate a thorough and accurate self knowledge that is based on deeply understanding one's wiring, dark side, propensity to sin and the "real truth" about who we are. The more press we get, the more time we need to access who we truly are because the accolades from others are never a true picture of who we really are. It is only a public persona that others see. They see the good but we know the dark side. What we want to maintain is an accurate picture of who we are which is rarely the inflated picture others have of us as leaders. The loss of personal humility is deadly to any leader.

Three. We stop listening to the people who will tell us the truth and start listening to those who tell us what we want to hear. This is a very dangerous place to be. Those who tell us what we want to hear simply stroke our egos and opinions which only works to prove to ourselves what we want to think or hear. It is false knowledge that begins to skew our view of reality. When our view of reality becomes skewed, we see life through a faulty lens which blinds us to the dysfunction in our lives and causes us to make decisions that are based on skewed data. 

Once a leader gets to this stage, they are headed for trouble because they no longer listen to truth tellers, even those who have been truth tellers and counselors in the past. Because they trust their own judgments, they are able to discard those who don't agree with them and seek counsel from those who will agree with them. 

This is complicated by a fourth characteristic. Leaders at this stage often divide people into two camps, those who are for them and those who are against them. After all, with an inflated view of our own self importance and value, those who disagree with us must not understand how God is using us! And in getting in our way they are also getting in God's way. Often those who share opinions or counsel that the leader does not want to hear are marginalized and put into the enemy camp effectively preventing them from ever speaking into their lives again. I have had this happen to me on a number of occasions. 

This becomes a self fulling prophecy of leadership implosion unless it can be halted. The antidote is to surround ourselves with wise, Godly people who have permission to speak into our lives and whose counsel we will never disregard even when it is hard to hear.   The best counselors are those who have had a history of giving us wise counsel in the past, before we were in the place we are today. When leaders crash and burn and others look back they almost always see an individual who has isolated herself or himself, stopped listening to those they used to listen to and increasingly narrowed their list of friends or counselors. 

Fifth, leaders who crash and burn have usually isolated themselves from others. Often this is because they no longer feel they need to be accountable, or are running too fast to stay in relationship, or are unwilling to be transparent in their relationships out of a desire to control their image. This isolation also involves keeping others at arms length so that it is not easy to "reach" them. Often, the knowledge that my opinion may cause them to marginalize me will keep me from speaking up, and the strong personality of an isolated leader can keep me from pressing in.

Image control naturally leads to isolation since transparency is a prerequisite of close relationship and transparency gets in the way of image control. The need to control image is a sign of one who has become isolated and that isolation will eventually hurt them. God designed us for relationship and community and that community keeps us from going in directions that are unhealthy. Isolation removes the protection of deep friendships and community and sets us up for trouble.

All of us need others in our lives who will speak truth, hold us accountable, help us in our journey of faith and give wise counsel. When we cross a line where we are too important or too busy to cultivate those relationships we will find ourselves in dangerous waters. If you are a leader, pay attention to these five characteristics. We are all susceptible to them. They are very dangerous, each of them. In combination they are deadly.

Ask yourself these questions on a regular basis:
1. Am I too busy for my inner life?
2. Am I starting to believe my own press?
3. Have I marginalized people I listened to in the past?
4. Am I dividing people into camps: for me and against me?
5. Am I becoming isolated?

Angry leaders

Consider this scenario. A ministry leader walks up to one of his staffers in a group of individuals, points his finger at his chest and says,  "I am in charge here and don't ever tell (name withheld) what they can or cannot do." 


What has just happened? The leader has used his anger as a means of power, control and intimidation and done so in a public manner. Whether or not he had reason to confront the other staff member is not the issue. The way he did it was wrong.


There are a segment of leaders in ministry and business who lead out of anger. Those who work for them know that if they cross them, they will face the wrath of the leader. It may be in the form of a threat (I could fire you), in the form of an angry response (Don't ever cross me again), in the form of marginalization (those who are not for me are against me), or in the form of embarrassment (like the example above where there is a public rebuke). Raised voices, high emotion, inability to dialogue, pronouncements of what you will or will not do, clear anger and implied threats are all part of leading by anger. There are many other examples but the key principle is that the leader is using anger as a means of holding power over others, controlling others or intimidating others.


Often times staff members are not immediately aware that their leader is using anger to control them. What they feel is an uneasiness with the leadership style they are experiencing. Here are some of the warning signs that their leader is leading out of anger.


Staff feel like they are walking on eggshells around their leader. Fear of a leader's response is a clear indicator of leading by fear. Staff members are careful about what they say, how they say it and often simply keep silent because they don't want to be the subject of the leader's wrath. Often in these situations staff do not know which of their leader's personalities will show up on any given day.


A leader often lets staff know who is "in charge." Those who lead from anger often use their leadership "authority" to control and manipulate their staff. Subtle or not so subtle reminders of their authority communicates to the staff that they better "toe the line" of whatever the leader desires or become the subject of their anger. 


Anger surfaces when one tries to discuss with the leader behaviors that are unhealthy or issues that the leader feels strongly about. It is not uncommon for staff members to try to talk with leaders who lead out of anger about behaviors that hurt them or the team. What they typically get is a predictable angry response along with a reminder of who is in charge or, defensiveness tinged with irritation. If this becomes a pattern, you know you have a very unhealthy leader on your hands.


A leader divides people into two categories: those who are for them (friends) and those who are against them (enemies). Those who lead from anger, by nature see people as either for them or against them. By definition, those who are for them agree with them and don't cross them while those who disagree with them and cross them are moved to the "enemy" camp. Thus angry leaders build two camps: friends and enemies and you are in one or the other and there is no in between. Often, a staff member who starts out as a friend ends up as an enemy when they find their voice and start to stand up to their leader.


There is a bully factor to the leader. Angry leaders need to have their own way and will use whatever tactics they need to in order to achieve it. It can be a tactic of power (I can fire you) or a tactic of manipulation (I should just resign) or something else but it is manipulation to achieve their ends. Sometimes it is ingratiating (I am so glad I can trust you unlike the others) or the opposite (I am starting to question your effectiveness and loyalty). Whatever the tactic, staff members leave their interactions with a vague feeling that they have been used, manipulated or bullied into line.


Angry leaders are are very hard to please. Angry leaders are often driven leaders whose primary concern is how they look, how their ministry succeeds and when  their expectations are not met you know it! Because life and ministry is about them, anyone who does not contribute to their success by their definition is marginalized, criticized or even discarded. Whenever there is high staff turnover one needs to turn over the rocks and look underneath to determine why. When there is a history of staff leaving or being terminated it is a clue that not all is right. 


Angry leaders lack humility and often display arrogance. Angry leaders are rarely collegial but believe that they have the answers. They often make strong statements about people (often unkind) and situations. Because they are not open to feedback and dialogue when it does not agree with their conclusions it is difficult if not impossible to change their minds. Anger and arrogance are twins.


Here is what one needs to know about leaders who lead from anger. They are deeply unhealthy individuals who create a toxic environment for staff and therefore for the church or organization they lead. Their anger stems from deep and unresolved personal issues and at their core they are deeply insecure people who get their security from their ability to control others. It is a no win situation for staff because they will not change the equation by confronting the behaviors - in fact confrontation brings out the worst. And, the lack of emotional health in the leader will infect the rest of the organization.


The obvious question is what does one do? If you are a board member who sees these kinds of behaviors you have a responsibility to ensure that your leader gets help. Your responsibility is to ensure health in the organization and this is a major sign of dishealth. Even though boards like to give their senior leader the benefit of the doubt, unacceptable behaviors must be dealt with.  If you are a staff member caught in this situation and see no hope of change, I would leave before the dishealth of the leader creates discouragement and cynicism in you that compromises your future ministry. If those who have the authority to act (boards) do not, take charge of your own life before you are hurt and compromised.


I am always puzzled why boards, who often know of deep issues in a senior leader do not confront them, require them to get help and if the behaviors continue fire them. We allow behaviors in the church and in Christian organizations that even the secular world would consider unacceptable and beyond the pale. There are toxic workplaces that exist right under the noses of boards who either are clueless or choose to ignore it. In the process they hurt staff, ministry effectiveness and the constituency they serve. 

Reality Distortion Fields

The phrase was coined by members of Steve Jobs teams when he wanted to convince them that something they all knew to be false was indeed true. They would quietly whisper, "beware of the reality distortion field, don't get caught in it." Steve, with his powerful, over the top persuasive abilities was able to convince a lot of people a lot of things a lot of the time and it all fit his version of reality, his reality distortion field.


The truth is that we all have reality distortion fields which allow us to see reality on our terms. Healthy individuals keep those distortion fields to a minimum while unhealthy individuals allow them to grow and expand until they are literally living in an alternative reality - often quiet separated from reality. 


Some years ago, I was asked by a pastor and board to determine why he and the board were experiencing so much conflict. I interviewed board members, staff members and finally the pastor himself. He was amazed that people felt the way they did about him as he had been living with a picture of himself that was quite different than the picture others had. His distortion field (the level of distortion between his view and reality) would have caused him to likely lose his job if he had not rectified the problem quickly because it was at the root of the conflict between he and the board and staff. 


I have seen reality distortion fields become pathological when an individual becomes so disconnected from reality (yes in ministry) that they actually believe their unhealthy treatment of others is OK and that those they mistreat are actually OK with it as well. Of course, when you do your own inquiry one finds out that this is not the case at all but the defensive mechanisms of the one with a significant reality distortion field protects him or her from the guilt they ought to have for their behavior. Reality distortion fields always provide the perpetrator of poor behavior an alternative explanation which absolves them and places the blame on others. 


Usually, reality distortion fields are allowed to grow (often in leaders) because those around them do not have the courage to confront and tell the individual the truth. There is a reason for the lack of courage. These individuals are very hard to get through to. Their defensiveness is massive and they don't want to hear a version of truth that messes with their reality distortion field. However, the logical outcome of their progression into non reality is narcissism where they can justify anything and eventually implode but only after hurting a great many people. 


I asked one board whose pastor exhibited these tendencies why they had not done a job review in decades. The answer was that the senior pastor was too defensive and threatened by it so they held off, allowing the senior pastor's behavior to escalate and continue to hurt others. This particular pastor would use threats against those who tried to penetrate his defenses. The board actually thought that if they pushed their pastor he would quit since he had threatened on a number of occasions to do so. Ironically it would have been the best thing that could have happened to the church.


Those who live with reality distortion fields are crazy makers to those around them. They so distort reality that those who live in reality start to wonder if they are somehow going nuts and may even be to blame for the chaos that they see around them! It is like the inmates of an insane asylum convincing the staff that they ought to trade places because it is really the staff who are living with reality distortion fields and not the inmates. If you have ever lived or worked close to one with a reality distortion field you know exactly what I am talking about!


If you have a situation like this in your ministry please deal with it. The longer you wait the more distortion takes place and the more distortion takes place the more people get hurt. 

Our unlimited capacity for self-deception

Humans have an unlimited capacity to deceive themselves about themselves and others. Often that self deception is our personal spin control not only to make ourselves look better to others but even to ourselves. It can be conscious or unconscious.


Robert Trivers writes this in his new book, The Folly of Fools: The Logic of Deceit and Self-Deception in Human life. "We deny the truth to ourselves. We project onto others traits that are in fact true of ourselves - and then attack them. We repress painful memories, create completely false ones, rationalize immoral behavior, act repeatedly to boost positive self-opinion, and show a suite of ego-defensive mechanisms (p. 2)."


In other words, we have an amazing capacity to subvert truth to fit our preferred version of reality. It is directly tied to the sinful human condition and reflective of the truth Paul made in Romans 3:10ff where he says "There is no one righteous, not even one;" and goes on to describe the fallen human condition.


Consider instances where you are trying to get to the bottom of a conflict. Explanations of individuals on both sides make logical sense at first blush. Both sides blame the other and exonerate themselves. Of course, both cannot be true and upon further examination it becomes clear that both parties have constructed a view of reality - and of the other party - that makes them look innocent and the other look guilty. Clearly there is spin, reconstruction of reality and self deception going on. All of us are capable and all of us deceive ourselves in some areas of our lives.


We have all met people who were self deceived and particularly in conflict situations I have a healthy skepticism of what I hear until I have heard all sides. It is easy to listen to one party whose explanation makes all the sense in the world and come to conclusions that are erroneous because of their ability to spin their version of truth. In conflict situations, always keep an open mind until you have heard from all sides. 


There are also people who literally live in an "alternative universe" and have such a skewed version of reality that they are disconnected from seeing how their own actions, attitudes and conclusions hurt other people. They may divide people into camps, those who are for them and those who are against them and fully believe that they are right in spite of any rational attempts to convince or show them otherwise. 


This is pathological in nature but it is also an extreme version of self deception. Attempts to help them see an alternative reality are often fruitless because their personal defense mechanisms of self-deception are so strong. Often it is hiding deep insecurities and the self-deception is a way of coping with and covering those insecurities or unresolved issues. Unfortunately, that self-deception is projected onto others who are often hurt in the equation.


The most important questions we can ask, however, is about where we deceive ourselves. Where do we construct personal rationalisms for behaviors, habits or sin in order to allow us to continue those unhealthy practices and still feel good about ourselves? Where do we stretch the truth, accomplishments, or righteousness in order to try to look better to other people? 


Why is this important? First, because truth matters and the more truth we understand about ourselves the healthier we are. Second, because self-deception unchecked leads to a life of untruth or lies which can become second nature if we allow it. Third, because our own self-deception is harmful to us and often harmful to others. 


God is a God of truth and we are easily deceived. It is why David prayed, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24). It is God who helps us understand the inclinations and deceptions of our own hearts as we develop the discipline of introspection and evaluation on our part. 

What gets pastors into trouble with their congregation

Pastoring today is one of the most challenging jobs on our planet. You have as many expectations as you have parishioners, there are strong opinions on almost everything, church unity is easily disrupted and spiritual battles are always being fought. 


All of that is true but it is also true that pastors can cause pain for themselves if they do not pay attention to a set of core disciplines or practices. Those non-negotiable core disciplines include the following:


One: Not putting adequate time into message preparation. Yes I know that the seminary lingo that one should put an hour into every minute of speaking is generally impossible and that the bar on preaching has been raised dramatically in the past three decades as good preaching and teaching has become available to anyone who looks via radio and the Internet. 


However, when I hear complaints regarding preaching it is almost never that their pastor does not live up to some well known and gifted speaker. Rather it is that they do not preach messages fully rooted in Scripture and applicable to the real issues of life. Our people will give us great grace in not being the greatest preacher in the world but they will not forgive us for not rooting our messages solidly in God's Word and making its application to real life clear. Preaching rooted in God's word has power regardless of the skill of the speaker as God's Word changes lives. Pop theology and psychology does not change lives - the Word does.


Two: Not building strong team among staff and volunteers. Disunified staff or lack of alignment of staff and key leaders causes lack of unity and alignment in the church. Too many pastors see the job of building a strong team as an afterthought rather than a central part of their role. It matters because a cohesive staff is necessary for a missional direction and well planned ministry. Lack of staff unity or alignment will eventually cause a lack of unity in the church that will come back and bite the senior leader.


Three: Not being able to articulate a clear vision and direction for the church. When there is not clarity over who we are or where we are going, churches start to drift and that drift is uncomfortable for many in the congregation even if they cannot articulate it. For leaders in the congregation (elected or not) it is a huge issue because they understand that clarity of direction is key to getting healthy ministry done. Congregations are not looking for pastors who have the leadership skills of some high profile mega church leaders but they are looking for clarity of direction - and they have every right to expect that from their leader.


If a pastor is not gifted in defining a clear vision and direction, it is critical that they bring around them people who can help them do so. When this is not done well, congregations not only drift but they turn inward and conflict often results. Lack of direction will eventually compromise a pastor's ministry.


Four: Poor Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Poor EQ translates into poor relationships, defensiveness, inability to develop a culture where robust dialogue is encouraged, a need to be right, being unapproachable, inability to deal with people who disagree with them, personal insecurities, hubris, narcissism and so on. EQ issues will catch up with a pastor because their ability to lead always comes back to healthy relationships and personal influence. Where healthy relationships are not the norm, conflict results, good people gravitate out of the church and the culture of the church starts to reflect the dysfunction of the senior leader. In addition, healthy people spot poor EQ easily and are often not interested in working closely with leaders of poor EQ.


Healthy and wise pastors pay a huge amount of attention to these four areas because the lack of health in these four will, without question, compromise their leadership and may even become the cause of having to leave their church. When pastors get into trouble it is not always the fault of others. It can be the inattention to key issues of leadership that define their role. These four are always central.

Boundaries matter

All of us have boundaries in our personal lives, our work and our relationships. Those boundaries are designed to keep us in moral, ethical, legal and healthy places. When we start to violate those boundaries and play with the boundary lines we are in dangerous territory.

How well we keep our boundaries is a matter of our humility. Pride says, "those boundaries don't matter for me." Humility says, "Those boundaries apply to me just like they apply to others and they are there for my own good." The human heart has endless ability to move the boundary markers in our own lives and to rationalize the decision. It is the nature of sin to think that the rules don't apply to us. It is actually narcissism - the rules don't apply to me, I am above them.

In ancient times, boundaries were marked by stones and it was a major offence to move a boundary stone: they were sacred and immovable. So it should be in our lives. The ethical and moral lines laid down in Scripture are there for our protection and represent the immovable boundary stones of a righteous God. We have other boundary stones in our workplaces that are equally immovable. The moment we start to move the stones, our hearts are in jeopardy and the deceit of pride has reared its dangerous head. God says the markers matter. The evil one says they don't - at least for us.

We ought to ask ourselves periodically if we are playing with any boundary markers in our lives. Have we moved any? Are we skating across any? Are we thinking that any of them don't apply to us? None of us is exempt from moving the markers. All of us are tempted to do so. But it never turns out well and once we have moved one it is easier to move another and another and another. The boundaries in our lives matter and the wise humbly acknowledge that they apply to them not just to others.

If any markers have been moved the smartest thing we can do is repent and put them back where they originally belonged. Boundaries matter.

Signs you work in a toxic workplace

Too many people work in toxic environments that destroy their joy, kill their creativity and cause great anxiety. Unfortunately this also happens in the ministry marketplace. Toxic workplaces rob us of the satisfaction that God intends for us to experience in our work. Staying too long in such an environment can bring with it depression, cynicism, a mistrust of others and “coping behaviors” that are unhealthy. If the following descriptors are true of your workplace you ought to consider whether it is time to leave.

Lack of respect from your supervisor or leadership. Respect means that you are valued, that your opinions are taken seriously, that you are not taken for granted and that you are acknowledged for your contribution. Lack of respect eats away at our sense of self-worth and that you are not valued for your work. Lack of respect is often a sign of arrogance or even narcissism in a leader who needs to devalue others in order to add value to themselves.  

Abusive behavior. I just spoke to an individual who has been the target of profane laced diatribes by a well known Christian leader whose conversations to those outside his organization are spiritual and uplifting! His words to his own employees are often demeaning, caustic, often angry and certainly don’t fit the definition of uplifting and encouraging. Abusive behavior whether with words or actions create uncertainty, anxiety and loss of respect.

Unpredictability. A hallmark of stable work environments is an element of predictability in leaders. You understand what their values are, what you can expect from them, where the organization is going and what is expected of you. Leaders who are unpredictable and whose behaviors or values or direction is subject to regular change create anxiety in their staff. That unpredictability is not just a “behavior quirk,” but often a symptom of an unhealthy leader. His or her unpredictability creates instability among staff and that instability is destructive to a healthy workplace.

Leading by fiat. This is the leader who rather than building a shared leadership culture and team simply tells people what to do, how to do it and expect others to jump at their command. They don’t respect boundaries, time, and opinions of others and treat employees as their servants. One thing they rarely keep are the best employees who refuse to be treated like chattel and who want a voice in the work they are doing. This environment leads to high turnover as the best choose to leave if indeed they come in the first place.

Cultures of fear. Unhealthy leaders often create a culture of fear where staff feel that they need to walk on eggshells, cannot be honest with their views and live with constant anxiety that they will not live up to their leader’s expectations. Ongoing or regular fear on the part of staff is a sign of a toxic environment which usually goes back to the leader. Another way of saying this is that where there is constant “drama” there is something toxic taking place.

Narcissistic leaders. The theme here is that it is all about the leader. They take the credit when things go well and blame others when things go south. They are always right and as long as you agree with them you are on the inside. Once you choose to disagree you are marginalized, demonized and placed on the outside. With a narcissistic leader you are either good or bad and that is determined by whether you agree with or challenge them. Narcissistic leaders create paranoid workplaces.

Lack of trust. Where there are significant trust issues in an organization, it is usually a symptom of deep leadership issues. Mistrust indicates that there is not a true team, that collaborative leadership is not possible and is usually a symptom of leaders who are unhealthy. Healthy leaders create trusting cultures and model what trust looks like in their relationships, behaviors and conversation. Lack of trust is deeply toxic and has the affect of creating deeper mistrust.

Bottom line? If you work in a toxic workplace you often don’t even realize how much anxiety you live with or how unhealthy your environment is until you choose to leave and all of a sudden realize that you feel free and are no longer carrying the heavy burdens you have been living with. If your workplace is characterized by any of the seven descriptors listed above, you ought to seriously consider leaving. Life is short and God wants us to use our gifting in positive, meaningful ways that bring joy and satisfaction rather than fear and anxiety. Choose to be courageous and find a healthy workplace.

TJ Addington (Addington Consulting) has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

"Creating cultures of organizational excellence."