Leaders who neglect this discipline pay for it dearly

There is one discipline that no leader can do without but too many try. It is that of developing meaningful relationships with key staff and leaders or people of influence in their organization. For instance, I regularly talk with pastors regarding board members that they are having difficulties with and inevitably there is also an absence of a meaningful relationship.

This is not about lobbying these individuals. It is about understanding them and they us which only happens in the context of time together. Relationship is the foundation of understanding and where we have meaningful relationships we are willing to give others the benefit of the doubt rather than judging their motives.

My take is that many leaders are so busy doing their thing and building whatever they are building that they are too busy to be bothered by the time and attention it takes to develop meaningful relationships. Eventually this catches up with them when fault lines appear in the ministry and the very people who the leader needs to help them through have lost their confidence and there is no relational glue to hold it together.

This also pertains to leaders with their key staff. It is easy to neglect relationships with staff members, just assuming that all is well. But in the absence of relationships those staff members have no great incentive to stand by their leader when there is difficulty or conflict. This often catches senior leaders by surprise but it is often too late by the time they realize the situation.

All good leadership is based on relational equity. Without relationship there is little or no equity. If you lead anything, make sure that the discipline of meaningful relationships is high on your agenda.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The Rise of the Dones, why bright and committed believers are leaving the church today

A very insightful article as to why some of the best and brightest are just done with church. It could be coming to a church near you or yours.

The Rise of the Dones

Coming on January One

It is not out till January one but I have the first copies and it looks great. Thank you NavPress and Tyndale. 

Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

What I know about leadership today that I didn't know then

Learning to lead well is something that is learned the hard way over time. I took time recently to consider what I know today that I didn't know well enough as a young leader. It is a long list that simply says how little I knew about good leadership as a young leader. The raw stuff was there, but there was and is much to learn. If you fit that young leader category, these may be things to consider.

• Many issues are not as urgent as I think they are. Relax, and don't equate all issues to having the same urgency. 

• Flexibility is critical for good leadership. Most of life is not black and white, and compromise is critical in getting things done. 

• Necessary or desired changes do not need to take place immediately. As a leader, I can only move as fast as those I lead can follow. I need to be patient and sensitive in leading through change.

• I don't need to take differences personally. It is about the mission, not about me. Pushback and disagreements are healthy as long as we can come to healthy solutions.

• The key to everything is relationships. It pays to develop relationships even with those who disagree with me. Mutual respect and understanding come through relationships.

• Anxiety is wasted energy. Don't worry about things that one cannot control. The worst is unlikely to happen anyway.

• I can be wrong, and it does not hurt my leadership. Develop a "nothing to prove and nothing to lose attitude," and one gains freedom.

• Just be me. I cannot lead like anyone else. God made me who He made me, and I need to lead from who He made me to be. Learn to be comfortable in one's own skin.

• Don't die on anthills! It is painful and unnecessary. There are some hills to die on, but not very many. Be wary of which one you take your stand on.

• Don't judge motives. We usually don't know what they are, and almost always, when we attribute poor motives to others, we are wrong.

• Relationships are everything. Influence comes through relationships, so press into those hard with those one needs to work with, even if they seem to be detractors. 

• I should never measure myself against others. That is a false measurement. I should measure my own progress and whether I am better today than I was yesterday. 

• My own inner life must take precedence over all other things. The healthier I am emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, the better my leadership. The inner life always comes first.

• I don't need to change the world - and cannot. What God does want me to do is influence my small corner of the world.

• God is sovereign. When I carry around great anxiety and worry, I am trying to do His job. I can relax knowing that He is always ultimately in control.

• Not all things get fixed on this side of heaven. God is always sovereign, but He does not force people, and there are situations and people issues that I will not be able to fix.

• Humility is at the core of all good leadership. Arrogance and thinking more of myself than I should get me into trouble. We all overestimate our gifts and importance and underestimate our faults and shadow side.

• Emotional intelligence matters a lot. The more I grow my EQ, the better my relationships, leadership, and personal health.

• God died for the Bride and not the brand. God wants me to focus on His kingdom and not my particular evangelical brand. I should appreciate all of his players and not just a few.

• I don't need to compete but to be faithful. I am not in competition with others but rather called to be faithful to what He wants me to do. 

• It is OK that not everyone likes me. In fact, if everyone likes me, I am probably not leading well. Popularity is not the end goal of leadership.

• I am only good at a few things. It is how God created me (Ephesians 2:10) and is why I need others around me. Their gifts make up for my many deficits.

• I can never give enough credit away. As a leader, I give credit to the team and take responsibility for the failures. It is what leaders do.

• God can guard my reputation. This means I don't need to - even when people are obnoxious or hurtful.

• If I am threatened by others, that is my problem, not theirs. The question is, "why do they threaten me, and what does that say about my own inner health?" To the extent that I lack personal security, I must press into those EQ issues.

• Perceived failures are usually just opportunities for growth. What we define as a failure, God is simply using to grow us into who He wants us to be.

• God can superintend my ministry path. He knows where I will be most useful and influential. I don't need to seek success but be faithful to where He has called me.

• Position does not equal influence. I can have as much influence as He wants me to have from whatever position or platform God' gives.

• Success must be measured from His perspective rather than from the world's perspective. God does not measure success the way the world does. My job is to use the gifts and opportunities He puts in front of me for maximum Kingdom advantage. 

TJ Addington is the lead at Addington Consulting. We solve dysfunctional cultures and teams and help you build healthy, scalable organizations of clarity, alignment, and results. If the pain is high, you need Addington Consulting. tjaddington@gmail.com

tjaddington@gmail.com

Characteristics of gracious leaders

I love meeting gracious leaders. There is a quality about them which endears them to both insiders and outsiders alike. They possess a set of important characteristics that all leaders can emulate and learn from. Here are some of the most important.

When they are with you they are focused on the conversation rather than thinking about other things. Being present in the moment when with others is a discipline that says, "you are important," "I am interested in what you are saying." Too many leaders do not allow themselves to be fully present but are rather obviously thinking about other things.

Gracious leaders like to listen and ask questions. In other words they are focused outwardly toward others rather than inwardly toward themselves. They engage in your life, your ministry, your family and you!

Gracious leaders are generous in their praise, thanks and appreciation and sparing in criticism. When they do need to press into an issue they do it gently and clearly but you always get the sense that they care about you and want you to succeed.

They don't hold grudges and have short memories about negative events in the past. Gracious leaders have a way of focusing on the positive while not ignoring the negative. They keep short accounts, let you know what you think even when course corrections are needed and then move on.

The language of gracious leaders is uplifting, encouraging and life giving. That last quality is critical. Think about those you interact with that discourage or drain you. Gracious leaders are the opposite. After interactions with them you are filled and encouraged because gracious leaders are life givers rather than life takers. You want to be around them as a result.

Gracious leaders may be busy but they are never too busy to take the time to stop, acknowledge others and to interact with them. They give the impression that their staff and constituency is supremely important and do so because it is genuinely true as outward focused individuals.

Gracious leaders can be gracious with others because they are comfortable in their own skin and at home with themselves. In other words they have paid attention to their own hearts and inner lives and as a result that healthy inner life spills out in their relationships with others. Their graciousness is both a discipline (how I treat others) and a habit (because they are healthy internally). 

In many ways the Fruit of the Spirit encompasses the character of a gracious leader. It is a worthwhile exercise for leaders to regularly ask themselves if their relationships are characterized by the fruit of love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. The more we focus on these and develop our inner lives around them the more gracious we will become.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The scourge of sex trafficking: It is happening right now somewhere near you!

One of the great scourges of our day is the trafficking of women and children around the world for the purposes of prostitution and pornography. And it is probably taking place in your community whether in the open or behind the scenes through Craigslist, Backpage and a host of other internet portals. In fact, while we hold the slavery trade of the past as abhorrent, it is estimated that there are more slaves trafficked today than at the height of the slave trade. 

And in many places in the world it is out in the open. This picture from Mong Kok, in Hong Kong at the entrance to a brothel on a public street.

The globalization of our world and the ability to ship goods, services and people around the world has only heightened this scourge. Trafficked women can be found not only in the large cities of our world but in places like North Dakota where the oil fields are bringing in men from across America to work. In other words, this is not an isolated phenomenon to places like Bangkok but it is ubiquitous wherever there are men who are willing to pay for sex. 

Consider these statistics from Equality Now:

• At least 20.9 million adults and children are bought and sold worldwide into commercial sexual servitude, forced labor and bonded labor.
• About 2 million children are exploited every year in the global commercial sex trade.
• Almost 6 in 10 identified trafficking survivors were trafficked for sexual exploitation.
• Women and girls make up 98% of victims of trafficking for sexual exploitation.

What lies behind these statistics are lives ruined, people made in the image of God desecrated and untold misery. They are someone's daughters, boys and girls. Unfortunately in many countries there is little done other than lip service to the problem as corrupt and complicit authorities either profit from this trade or have compromised themselves in it and will not speak out. 

Christ followers have long been the conscience of social ills of our world. This is not an issue we should be ignorant about or afraid to talk about. Pressure needs to be put on governments world wide to actually act rather than sign UN treaties on the matter and then turn a blind eye. Ways must be found to rescue these individuals and help them rebuild their lives, one at a time, into what God designed them to be.

If you want an accessible book to help understand the problem of global sex trafficking, I recommend Slavery Inc. the untold story of international sex trafficking by Lydia Cacho

The International Justice Mission IJM is on the forefront of dealing with this evil issue. Their web site is a great resource. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

When making decisions are you thinking five years ahead?

All leaders make decisions on a regular basis. Often, however we are thinking of the present as we do so - which is legitimate. But, every decision made now has implications for the future which is why we should apply the five year test: "How will our current decision affect us five years from now?" In other words, good decisions are not only made for the present but must take into consideration the future as well.

Let me give an illustration from the world of missions. A mission agency decides that to make significant inroads in a majority world country it will start paying pastors what seems like an insignificant amount of money per month (say $150). They jubilantly watch all kinds of individuals sign up, start churches and they think, "Wow, a small investment for a great return." Yet five years later it has now become a burden to the agency as they can no longer sustain what they once thought was a strategic decision and they have discovered that these churches only reproduce themselves when there is another $1,800 to invest.  Had the decision been made with an eye to the future it might have been evident what the unintended consequences are. 

Many decisions have long term consequences so a good question on major decisions is not simply, "What is the impact now" but also "what will be the impact five years from now." 

This is just as powerful a practice in our own personal lives. Decisions about time with family have long term consequences as do financial decisions and any number of other personal decisions. Wise individuals take the long view of life rather than simply living in the moment. The long view requires more discipline but in the end it is far more productive and rewarding.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.