Leaders have an interesting dilemma when it comes to their relationships with those they lead. Certainly, all healthy leaders want a deeply collegial relationship where there is a high degree of trust, collaboration and friendly relationships. However, a leader is not “one of the boys or girls” even though many leaders try to be that out of their need for popularity or affirmation.
Leaders who want to be the “best friend” of those they lead actually lose much of their leadership capital and it confuses roles. There is a difference between “best friends” and “leader.” The “best friend” role is based solely on relationship and common personal interests and no leader who leads an organization of any size can be best friends with all those they lead. Leadership is based on common agreement to a missional agenda, not that we are all best friends.
Leaders press into issues that are sometimes uncomfortable and need to say things that are defining and keep the team focused on the missional glue that holds them together. To the extent that I as a leader need to be “liked” by those I lead, I will avoid those conversations that would prevent me from being “one of the boys.” This is a reflection on the insecurity of a leader more than anything else – and many ministry leaders are deeply insecure.
Wise leaders actually have a sense of a certain “social distance” that they maintain with those they lead. There are situations where I am “one of the boys” but I am always the leader of those I lead. That is the role that my team needs me to play and wants me to play. They are less interested in whether I am their best friend than they are concerned that I am leading the organization in ways that allow us to accomplish the work God has called us to tackle together.
Leaders are neither simply “one of the boys or girls,” nor are they dictators. They develop highly collegial, missionally minded team where the strongest glue is the common ministry they are committed to. But they play the role they are called to play – that of leading the team and keeping the team focused. They do not allow their personal insecurities to cause them to default from leadership to merely friendship. The two are not one and the same!
3 comments:
Tim, this is an area I've come to understand a bit differently. I think we err if we think, as a leader, than I cannot be vulnerable and expose struggles. I am just like everyone else in that I am a sinner and I have my areas of struggle. In that realm, we are equals, we are friends who share life together. I need the prayer and support and even rebuke of people I share life with - and they don't need to be peers in authority and leadership. If a leader is fearful of being seen as weak, then he has a bigger issue than maintaining social distance.
That does not mean our roles are the same. I may have God given authority that I must exercise, even among those I share life's struggles with. As you note, I cannot be afraid to speak because I fear hurting feelings. My role as a leader also means there may be some specific issues (that I am struggling with) that I should not share while in process, because they involve leadership decisions that will impact my fellows.
I'm not sure I’m making sense here, but you get the drift, I think.
I understand the principle of what you are saying. From my observation and experience it is much harder on the mission field. Beijing in a city with not a lot of foreigners, teammates not only become good friends, they become like family. I don't think that this should be avoided. I think that leaders on the field need to be extra aware of what you are saying so that when leading the leader is able to make the right decisions even if it has the potential risk of hurting the friendship.
Jason
Thomas said:
Tim, I understand what you are saysing but I do not agree on that one with you. To me it seems that Jesus is and was the ultimate leader and he WAS best friends with his disciples - he even selected THREE best friends out of the twelfe (how about the battle within the group...)
Jesus said: You are my friends and he shared with them life, recreation time and ministry time - the good times, the bad times and the ugly times. A leader who is too distant from his followers sets himself up on a higher plattform. Jesus did the opposite - he served his disciples by washing them their feet. I believe it's time that we start learning to serve those we lead.
Post a Comment