Newsflash: There are often people in a church who are bullies and get away with it because church leadership is too nice to call them out on their destructive behavior. Often, we know something is not right, but how do we know when behavior has crossed a line and is unacceptable? Here are some behavioral signs that you may be dealing with a bully.
They have to get their own way. If a group decision is not their liking and they insist that things are done their way, beware.
They intimidate to get their way. It can be intimidation in attitude, not letting go of an issue, constantly pushing, or threats of some sort.
They triangulate others into their orbit to put pressure on leaders. Talking about their "concerns" (nothing other than manipulation), they develop a group that they rope into their point of view, so now there is a group dynamic to the bullying.
They criticize others, usually leaders in private, seeking to undermine the authority of a leader or leaders. Those they talk to often take up the offense or cause without any reason.
No matter how much attention they are given or how many conversations one has with them, they do not move off their position. It is their way or no way.
They often raise their issues in congregational meetings, seeking to force the hand of leadership. Nor are they nice about what they have to say.
They do not respect authority. Especially church authority - unless they are in church leadership, in which case they demand others respect their authority.
They cloak their concerns and language in spiritual terms. When behaviors don't match the words, don't be fooled. This is not spiritual. It is about power and getting one's way.
When confronted, they deny, fight back, or lie. They are not willing to be held accountable.
They hurt people who get in their way but are never wrong and rarely apologize. After all, it is about them, not others.
Why do bullies get their way in many churches? Because they can and because fellow Christians are not very smart about what is happening. After all, would a fellow Christian have ulterior motives??? The answer in many situations is "absolutely." Don't be fooled, don't be intimidated, and don't allow these kinds of behaviors in your church. It is divisive, dangerous, ungodly, and evil. Call it for what it is.
By the way, the Apostle Paul warned of those who create division in the church. That is what Bullies do, but our unwillingness to confront sin often lets them get their way. In fact, in many cases, we would never put up with that behavior in the workplace, but we do it all the time in the church. Sad.
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2 comments:
I see this type of bullying with people in leadership towards members more than I see it member to member or member to leader. Leaders can be quite manipulative in “handling” people and turning other leaders and members against a member. I aw this time and time again in a fundamentalist church I was involved in for over 40 years. I no longer attend that church.
As a former clergy spouse I can tell you that I have encountered many bullies in church. I used to call them the Kings or Queens of the congregation. Heaven help the poor clergy person who tried to address their behaviour. It did not go well for those clergy. I also had the misfortune to watch a Bishop who took over a thriving diocese and destroyed it. He was a terrible bully.
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