Learning to say no more often

Many of us say yes to invitations, obligations, and favors too easily. In doing so, we rob ourselves of the time, energy, and opportunity to do far more important things. 

Why do we do it? Often, because we are well-meaning, it is hard for us to say no. We like to be liked, and our willingness to say yes may make us popular with the one who asked. We want to be needed, and the request validates our importance. We like to have influence, and this is an opportunity to be influential. 

Unlike many commodities, time is the one thing that you cannot get back. Money comes and goes, but time simply goes. Every time we say yes to an obligation, we write a "time check." It serves as a time check for both the event we've committed to and the time required for our preparation. The obligation may seem small, but when you add this obligation to many others it starts to add up.

How does one be more discerning in determining what to say yes to? Several suggestions:

One: Practice not saying yes immediately. Instead, say, Thanks for that invitation. Let me take a look at my schedule. That answer allows you to think about the invitation and determine whether you want to make the time investment.

Before responding, consider the time you would be obligated to spend and whether this obligation interferes with more important activities, such as time with your spouse, family, close friends, hobbies, rest, or ongoing education. It is easy to say yes, but there is a tradeoff for every yes you give. Does the tradeoff make sense, or is it a distraction from more important priorities in your life? Many people have a plan for your life, but your inner compass on what is most vital for you can only be made by you. 

Remember that your calendar tells the story of your priorities, and often, our priorities are not well thought out when it comes to how we spend our time. We should be as careful about how we spend our time as we are about how we spend our money. Or more so because you cannot recover time.

Three: Practice the art of saying no more often. A no can be a positive thing - a gift to you. It gives you time to pursue those most important relationships, priorities, and goals that you have. It saves us from the trap of being overcommitted, over tired, and frustrated by our lack of time for the things and relationships that are most important to us.

Every time you say no for a good reason, you give yourself a gift. And the opportunity to invest your time in things that are close to your heart.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

How self definition can impact your leadership

A key component of healthy individuals is that they are self-defined. I define a self-defined individual as one who understands who they are, is comfortable with who they are, and can clearly articulate their own positions in a way that does not force others to agree and does not demonize those who disagree. 

It is the ability to say, "This is what I think (and why), now tell me how you see it." In doing this, you have made your position clear along with the rationale and have opened the door for honest conversation that can hopefully lead to a better or shared understanding. And if not, you have made your position clear, so there is no misunderstanding.

Because a self-defined individual is secure in their own skin, they can encourage dialogue even with those who might strenuously disagree with them. Some people are unable to do this. They can state their position, but cannot stay connected relationally with those who disagree with them - thus, the conversation is over without resolution.

The ability to have a position and stay connected with those who disagree is a key component of healthy relationships. It is usually in ongoing dialogue that one comes to mutually acceptable conclusions, as long as we are dealing with people who have a level of EQ health. Discussions with those who lack EQ often go nowhere. Thus, our ability to understand the EQ of those we are dealing with becomes a factor in how we deal with them.

Self definition requires leaders to think well before they state a position. But their flexibility and invitatin for dialoge also leaves the doow open for further discussion and in some cases a moification of their views. This is why a non-defensive attitude is so critical. For instance, if staff know that they can honestly push back without repercussions and know they will also be heard, it is often possible to come to a more refined position that works for everyone.

Self-definition is a powerful leadership tool because it goes to the values, convictions, attitudes, and actions that a leader has, and the more consistent these are, the more security those who work for them have. They know what to expect. They know that the principles and convictions are what drive you as a leader, and they know that these are not going to change.

The self-definition of a leader becomes a secure foundation for those who work for them. They know that the key values and principles will not change, giving them security to model the same. They also know that they will get the same version of the leader today as they did in the meeting yesterday. They don't need to wonder which version they will get.

Leaders who lack self-definition and are unpredictable are challenging to work for because there is no accurate compass for others to follow. This is the case with leaders whose idea of the day becomes their mantra until the next thought pops up. Unpredictable leaders are difficult, if not impossible, to follow. 

Being self-defined also means that we can separate ourselves from the issues of others and not fall into the trap of enmeshment or triangulation in relationships. We take responsibility for the problems we have with others and seek to help them resolve their issues, but we can separate ourselves from those problems and not become drawn into them.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

How many friends do you have who have no agenda except to be your friend?

We all need deep friendships. People who love us, who want the best for us, who encourage us, and whose friendship is mutual. In a discussion about friendships this evening, one of those I was talking to said, "I sat down and tried to make a list of all my friends who didn't have an agenda for me, and I came up with two names." This individual knows many people, but he has come to realize that most of them have some sort of agenda in their friendships.

This is not unusual, but it is sad. 

Now, agendas by themselves are not bad. Whether in business or ministry, we often find ourselves aligning with people and colleagues who share our values or have something to contribute to our work. This is normal, and it is right and can be very helpful. We all need others who can contribute to our work and whom we can, in turn, add value to. It is multiple relationships and synergies that allow leaders to get critical work done. 

But that leaves an essential question for each of us as individuals. Those with an agenda may be friendly, but do they count as true friends?

What makes a true friend? A true friend cares deeply about us. One who will tell us the truth when we need to hear it. One who will challenge our thinking with their own and one who will come alongside us when we are hurting or in trouble. In other words, they love us for who we are, overlook our quirks (which we all have), and will help us become a better version of ourselves through their interactions with us.

These are friendships without agenda except to be a friend. In these relationships, there is deep trust, a willingness to speak encouraging words, and even hard words, where we know there is no ulterior motive except to be a blessing to us. In their company, we can be ourselves, share our deepest thoughts, and know we are safe in their presence. 

Take a moment and make a mental or written list of those kinds of friendships in your life. And then think about your friendships with others. Who are you friends with like that? Do you have an agenda in those friendships apart from just being a friend? 

Life is filled with agendas. Where do we have friendships without an agenda? If you were to crash and burn from issues in your life, who would be there for you because they are simply good friends? It is in the hard times that we find out who our true friends are. That has certainly been true for me. 

A great example of this was The Inklings, a literary group at Oxford where a group of writers, including C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, developed a genuine bond that lasted for almost 40 years and shaped iconic works such as The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia. They met regularly at a local pub and gave one another support, encouragement, and constructive criticism for their writings. They were people of differing temperaments and had disagreements, and were a source of significant mutual influence with one another. 

It is worth considering the true nature of your friendships. Why do they exist? What is their purpose? Do they have an agenda? And would they be there if life came apart? And who are you that kind of friend for? 

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

In any church conflict it is important to find the core issue and the common source

If you are a leader whose church is in conflict, there are two issues it is helpful to understand. First, what is the actual reason for the conflict, and second, who is at the center of the conflict? 

Understanding the true nature of the conflict is often difficult because the presenting issues are often not the real issues. If one tries to solve the presenting issues without understanding what the actual issues are, there will not be a resolution, because even if you solve the presenting issues, the core issue remains untouched.

I am convinced that most church conflict has nothing to do with the surface or presenting issues and everything to do with power and control issues that lie behind the surface issues. This has to do with decision-making power in the church and control of the church. It is an agenda to force a certain decision or direction hidden behind other presenting issues. Often it is cloaked in spiritual language such as the "good of the church," but at its core, it is about power and control.

How does one know if they are working with the presenting issue or a deeper control issue? One of the key markers is whether those who are complaining and making noise are open to rational discussion and compromise, or if they insist on getting their way. If it is the latter, you are most likely dealing with a power issue, and unless you cede to their demands, the conflict will not stop. If you do cave to their demands, you have allowed power brokers with an agenda to win the day and that is always unhealthy in the church.

Often in church conflict it feels like everyone is involved because loud voices prevail. The truth of the matter is that power games in the church are rarely widespread, but like power games everywhere, can be traced back to an individual or a small group of individuals. I call these the voice behind the voices. Power games in the church are never a general group but always have an individual or a small group of individuals behind them and there is usually one central figure. They usually stay in the background and feed discontent, but the common voice one hears from others is an indicator that this is not random conflict but has a leader or leaders behind it. Common language and common attitudes are clear indicators.

How do you determine who is at the core of the conflict? Listen to the language, have a lot of conversations, ask a lot of questions, and eventually you connect the dots toward a common source. Unless you understand the real issue and can deal with the common source, one has no chance of mitigating the conflict.

We are often naive in the church regarding conflict. We too easily believe presenting issues, not wanting to believe that power politics might be present in our congregation. In addition, we are too slow in dealing with the true source of the conflict because we are dealing with people who hide behind spiritual language. None of that, however, changes the damage that they are doing to the church. Power politics in the church destroys unity, hurts leadership and people with agendas hurt the body. The proof that you are dealing with power politics is when you get to the core group and they will not live under the authority of the pastor or elders. Those who don't respond to appropriate authority are playing power politics. 

The ultimate power play is simply to call for the resignation of the pastor and the board. Here is where motives are nakedly plain. I was the pastor of a church where this once happened and church chairman in another church where it happened. In both cases, the real issues had been revealed, and the core parties had been exposed. Their last stand was to try to force the leadership out of office. When they lost their bid, they left the church, clearly unwilling to live under authority. When someone pulls a power play in the church and walks when they lose it is an indication this was about power and control in most instances.

The bottom line? As Jesus said, be innocent as doves and wise as serpents. Don't be fooled! Be smart. Be wise. Be prayerful. Act carefully.

It is often helpful to get outside counsel from someone who can give objective feedback and who does not have a stake in the outcome. That is often a threat to the dissenters who are counting on their influence to win the day, and now there is a new level of accountability.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.