Learning to say no more often

Many of us say yes to invitations, obligations, and favors too easily. In doing so, we rob ourselves of the time, energy, and opportunity to do far more important things. 

Why do we do it? Often, because we are well-meaning, it is hard for us to say no. We like to be liked, and our willingness to say yes may make us popular with the one who asked. We want to be needed, and the request validates our importance. We like to have influence, and this is an opportunity to be influential. 

Unlike many commodities, time is the one thing that you cannot get back. Money comes and goes, but time simply goes. Every time we say yes to an obligation, we write a "time check." It serves as a time check for both the event we've committed to and the time required for our preparation. The obligation may seem small, but when you add this obligation to many others it starts to add up.

How does one be more discerning in determining what to say yes to? Several suggestions:

One: Practice not saying yes immediately. Instead, say, Thanks for that invitation. Let me take a look at my schedule. That answer allows you to think about the invitation and determine whether you want to make the time investment.

Before responding, consider the time you would be obligated to spend and whether this obligation interferes with more important activities, such as time with your spouse, family, close friends, hobbies, rest, or ongoing education. It is easy to say yes, but there is a tradeoff for every yes you give. Does the tradeoff make sense, or is it a distraction from more important priorities in your life? Many people have a plan for your life, but your inner compass on what is most vital for you can only be made by you. 

Remember that your calendar tells the story of your priorities, and often, our priorities are not well thought out when it comes to how we spend our time. We should be as careful about how we spend our time as we are about how we spend our money. Or more so because you cannot recover time.

Three: Practice the art of saying no more often. A no can be a positive thing - a gift to you. It gives you time to pursue those most important relationships, priorities, and goals that you have. It saves us from the trap of being overcommitted, over tired, and frustrated by our lack of time for the things and relationships that are most important to us.

Every time you say no for a good reason, you give yourself a gift. And the opportunity to invest your time in things that are close to your heart.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Leaders need to stay in their lane too!

One of the things about leadership is that they have the authority to speak into the affairs of others. This can be helpful if they do it judiciously. However, when a leader gets out of their lane and into areas that are the responsibility of others; go around supervisors to give direction; micromanage the work of others or get into areas that are not in their skill set they hurt the organization they are leading.

Leaders have a lane just like others in the organization and they are most effective when they stay in their lane. Many leaders, however, believe that everything that happens is their responsibility (bad assumption) so they feel compelled to poke into the work and strategies of others (bad behavior) and in doing so cause problems for the staff and therefor the organization.

It takes some careful thought to determine what one's lane is, especially in leadership where our authority gives us options. Many of those options are not good options, however, because they do not fit our unique skill set. We need to determine the specific work we will do as leaders given our wiring and the team we have around us. Often other team members can speak into the answer through their observations of what we do well and what we do poorly. Of course this only works if we are willing to listen to feedback about our best play.

I once did a staff audit of a church and almost to a person they pointed to their senior pastoral leader as the one who caused the most dysfunction on staff. He was a great preacher and therefor thought he was good at everything. Actually, he created a highly toxic workplace because he refused to stay in his lane or to listen to his senior staff or board about how he disempowered others. The result was a major exodus of key staff members that was unnecessary had he listened and been disciplined to stay in the lane he was made for.

One of the reasons that leaders are apt to stray from their lane is that they have seen success in some area and assume that they will be successful in other lanes as well. Unfortunately that is a poor assumption. We are generally successful at two or three things that define our lane and much poorer at everything else. Those things that are not strengths (we each have a few strengths) are weaknesses (of which we all have many). Learning to stay in our strengths and out of our weaknesses is a key to great leadership.

In my own leadership, it was often the people around me who were best at helping me understand my strengths and my lane. As a leader of a large organization, we talked openly about the unique role I could play and then empowered members of a senior team to play their unique role. Even as the senior leader, I had a lane and we were most successful when I stayed in that lane.

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