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A blog centered around The Addington Method, leadership, culture, organizational clarity, faith issues, teams, Emotional Intelligence, personal growth, dysfunctional and healthy leaders, boards and governance, church boards, organizational and congregational cultures, staff alignment, intentional results and missions.
Showing posts with label deep friendships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep friendships. Show all posts

Sunday, September 7, 2025

How many friends do you have who have no agenda except to be your friend?




We all need deep friendships. People who love us, who want the best for us, who encourage us, and whose friendship is mutual. In a discussion about friendships this evening, one of those I was talking to said, "I sat down and tried to make a list of all my friends who didn't have an agenda for me, and I came up with two names." This individual knows many people, but he has come to realize that most of them have some sort of agenda in their friendships.

This is not unusual, but it is sad. 

Now, agendas by themselves are not bad. Whether in business or ministry, we often find ourselves aligning with people and colleagues who share our values or have something to contribute to our work. This is normal, and it is right and can be very helpful. We all need others who can contribute to our work and whom we can, in turn, add value to. It is multiple relationships and synergies that allow leaders to get critical work done. 

But that leaves an essential question for each of us as individuals. Those with an agenda may be friendly, but do they count as true friends?

What makes a true friend? A true friend cares deeply about us. One who will tell us the truth when we need to hear it. One who will challenge our thinking with their own and one who will come alongside us when we are hurting or in trouble. In other words, they love us for who we are, overlook our quirks (which we all have), and will help us become a better version of ourselves through their interactions with us.

These are friendships without agenda except to be a friend. In these relationships, there is deep trust, a willingness to speak encouraging words, and even hard words, where we know there is no ulterior motive except to be a blessing to us. In their company, we can be ourselves, share our deepest thoughts, and know we are safe in their presence. 

Take a moment and make a mental or written list of those kinds of friendships in your life. And then think about your friendships with others. Who are you friends with like that? Do you have an agenda in those friendships apart from just being a friend? 

Life is filled with agendas. Where do we have friendships without an agenda? If you were to crash and burn from issues in your life, who would be there for you because they are simply good friends? It is in the hard times that we find out who our true friends are. That has certainly been true for me. 

A great example of this was The Inklings, a literary group at Oxford where a group of writers, including C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, developed a genuine bond that lasted for almost 40 years and shaped iconic works such as The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia. They met regularly at a local pub and gave one another support, encouragement, and constructive criticism for their writings. They were people of differing temperaments and had disagreements, and were a source of significant mutual influence with one another. 

It is worth considering the true nature of your friendships. Why do they exist? What is their purpose? Do they have an agenda? And would they be there if life came apart? And who are you that kind of friend for? 






Thursday, June 25, 2015

The critical role that deep friendships play in the lives of healthy leaders

One of the key indicators of a leader's success is the depth of the friendships they have.  While not always true, one of the observations I have made in dealing with healthy leaders is that they have a set of deep friendships. On the other hand, many leaders who burnout or flameout do not have those deep friendships. 

I think there is a correlation here and it centers around a leader's willingness to be transparent and truly authentic with other trusted individuals. Those who resist authenticity often resist deep friendships because those relationships are based on authenticity and a willingness to reveal the true us. This is why putting leaders (any leader) on a pedestal is dangerous. Pedestals keep others at a distance and allow a leader to live without true authenticity. 

It is in the context of deep friendships that we allow others to see all of us because we also know that they love us and our shadow side (we all have one) will not deter their love. In fact, the more authentic we are with others, the more respect we gain. Those friendships are also critical in our own spiritual journey because it allows others to speak into our lives on issues that we might otherwise ignore. And all of us have issues we want to ignore.

The authenticity of deep relationships invites counsel, insight, a shared spiritual journey and ultimately the accountability that comes from having friends who love us and will tell us the truth. Those who are afraid of this tend to keep others at a distance while those who value this intentionally develop deep friendships. 

Deep friendships are an anchor in our lives to honesty, growth, the accountability that comes from relationship and the truth about ourselves. Healthy leaders know that they vulnerable due to their leadership position and the fact that their staff will not always tell them the truth. In addition, success can go to our head and it often does. Key friendships are anchors to reality that every leader needs.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.