The Advent Series #8. Who do You need to be Reconciled with?

 

Who do You need to be Reconciled with?

Think for a moment about how divided our society is. We are deeply divided by politics, preferences, and theology, and division has become more common than unity or peace between individuals. What is most interesting is that these divisions are also common among God's people and Jesus came to bring peace between us and God and between us and other members of His family. 

In fact, think of the significance of the announcement to the shepherds in Bethlehem on the eve of Jesus' birth. And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today, in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign for you: You will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Peace is one of the most elusive of humanity's desires. It has always been so since our forefathers left the garden. And into a world of conflict, the Savior came to be our peace (Ephesians 2:14) and reconcile us to God. And, to reconcile us to one another (Galatians 3:26-29). The words and message of reconciliation and peace blanket the New Testament.

Think about this. Jesus became man and died so that we could be reconciled to God. And then He called us to be reconciled to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ and to live at peace to the greatest extent of our ability with all people. If Jesus cared so deeply about reconciliation, we should as well - starting with our families where estrangement is so common, our churches where unity is often compromised, among fellow believers where we are too quick to live with critical spirits, and a society that loves to divide rather than unite.

And the thing about Advent is that God did not wait until we asked for reconciliation. He took the first step. He came to us when we were not looking for Him. He humbled himself (Philippians 2:1-11) rather than waiting for us to humble ourselves. What gets in the way of our taking the first step? Ego and pride. This is why it is so fascinating that Jesus describes himself as "gentle and humble in heart" (Matthew 11:29). 

And we are called to emulate that humility in our relationships with one another. "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross." (Philippians 2:5-8).

And God did not wait until we asked for reconciliation. He took the first step. He came to us when we were not looking for Him. He humbled himself (Philippians 2:1-11) rather than waiting for us to humble ourselves.

This raises some questions worth considering:

• Is there someone I am estranged from that I can attempt to be reconciled to?
• If there is, am I, like Jesus willing to humble myself and take the first step even if I am the aggrieved?
• Are there ways that I can help bring reconciliation between others who are estranged?
• How can I help bring reconciliation between races and people groups who live in estrangement?

Reconciliation is a deeply Christian value rooted deeply in the incarnation where the God of Scripture did what no other God of any religion had ever done: Became a creature so that the creatures could be reconciled to the Creator. Every time I pray for reconciliation, attempt reconciliation, or humble myself to bring reconciliation, I mirror the character of Jesus. The mark of a believer is that he/she has been reconciled to God in Jesus and in turn, brings reconciliation between peoples who are in conflict.

Father, thank you for taking the step that brought me into a relationship with you. Give me the humility and courage to reconcile with those I have differences with to the extent that I can. Help me to emulate you in bringing peace to a divided world. Amen.

De-escalating conflict through normalizing conversations

 Many things can introduce conflict or awkwardness into relationships: disagreements; words spoken; actions or even second hand conversations that come back to us. It can cause us to back away from a relationship, suspect that others don't have our best interests in mind and create an invisible wall between two individuals. It happens in families, among friends and in the workplace - anywhere we have key relationships.

This is where normalizing conversations come in. Rather than live with our perceptions or assumptions about where the other individual is coming from, or the awkwardness that has been introduced into the relationship, normalizing conversations can clarify and remove relational walls that have been created. It is a courageous decision we make to seek peace, come to clarity and understanding by candidly talking to another about the events that have transpired.

Unaddressed issues between individuals create walls and distance while discussing those issues can remove those walls and bring parties closer together. These conversations can prevent years of suspicion and misunderstanding from robbing people of relationship.

A normalizing conversation is very simple. It is taking the step to initiate a conversation in order to understand one another and remove the invisible wall that has been created by words, actions or assumptions. Choosing to initiate a conversation with another to clarify issues and create understanding  is a courageous and peacemaking practice. And too rare.

A normalizing conversation is not a confrontation but a conversation. It may or may not result in agreement but it can result in understanding. Because you have invited the other individual to be candid with you as you are with them, it removes future awkwardness in the relationship even if you did not come to agreement. It is simply a conversation to "normalize" what has become problematic.

The major barrier to such conversations is our own fear. In my experience, our fear is usually unfounded and we find the other party relieved to be able to lower the walls and understand each other. Even if the conversation is hard, it opens up the ability to communicate and creates greater understanding and that by definition almost always lowers the relational walls. It is about calming the relational waters.

When we resist such conversations because we are convinced we are right and others are wrong (and I have done that), we rob ourselves and those around us of the synergy that can come from peace and cooperation rather than conflict and a broken relationship. In fact, it does not matter if we were right or wrong. What does matters is that we work to the best of our ability to resolve unresolved issues. Relational discord has no upside but relational peace always does.

What is needed is a spirit of humility by both parties to seek to understand and be understood. In the end, it is usually our pride that keeps us from pressing in and seeking to resolve these matters. If you have a conflict that has resulted in a broken relationship, take the risk of a normalizing conversation. 

A willingness to reconcile is a sign of Christ in us

I have written recently on the propensity of people to cancel out those they disagree with, the lack of kindness and love among church board members and evangelicals at large. It is as if the church has lost the ability or desire to be peacemakers in the midst of conflict. To be willing to take on the humility of Jesus who "made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross" (Philippians 2:7-8). All for our benefit

How often we are unwilling today to initiate a conversation to say "I am sorry." How often we are unwilling to enter into a conversation to resolve conflict and differences. We would rather walk away - and in that act - we carry our animus and bitterness or sense of offense with us. How often we are unwilling to take the first step toward reconciliation. Instead we insist that the other party do so. How often we refuse to forgive one another and instead carry our offenses with us.

In doing so we drop friendships, leave churches, leave conflict unresolved, carry a burden Jesus never intended us to carry and deny the power of God who came to reconcile us to Him and then to one another. In fact we are told that we are ministers of reconciliation just as Jesus was with us (2 Corinthians 5:11-21). And, He took the first step when we didn't deserve it. Otherwise there would have been no reconciliation with Him. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

Yet, too often we refuse to reconcile and hang on to our pride. I have done it and you have done it and it is a denial of the One who chose to forgive us when we didn't deserve it. So we cancel one another, split congregations, leave churches, refuse to talk to those we have differences with (unless they repent) and in the process deny that Jesus is Lord in our own lives. 

I am sad for the church today with its conflict and strife. I am sad for my heart when I contribute to the same. In fact, in my Easter journal entry I wrote down these commitments regarding how I want to treat fellow believers:

In my relationships with other believers,

• My goal is to understand and seek peace
• To refrain from judging when it is not necessary or productive
• To think the best rather than the worst
• To forgive freely even when I am hurt
• To ask forgiveness when I have hurt others
• To pray God's blessing on those I would rather cancel
• To ask God to change me before I ask Him to change others
• To be as gentle, patient and kind with those who irritate me as God is with me
• To seek to apply the Fruit of the Spirit with those who I don't like as well as those I do like
• To think about my relationships in light of eternity
• To give up my "rights" to my attitudes, judgements, harsh words, gossip, hard feelings and desires for retribution in pace of the attitudes of Jesus

In several conversations over these issues, people have said to me. "I am not ready to do that," or "that is too hard." Or, "I don't want to do that and don't intend to." There have been times when I have said that as well so I do not and cannot cast stones. 

But whenever we choose the route that is easiest rather than the route that Jesus calls us to and which reflects His character toward us we choose a life of bondage over freedom.

Here is the thing. The evil one comes to steal, kill and destroy - and that includes our friendships, relationships, the unity in the church and our own well being. The good shepherd on the other hand comes to bring life and life abundant (John 10:10). This includes reconciliation of relationships, something that is often difficult without the help of the Holy Spirit. 

Years ago, I held on to an offense that I felt justified about. Another brother in Christ said to me, "you are the more mature one here, go and make it right." It made me angry because I was the one who was wronged. But he was right and I eventually did so. Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall see God." Why? Because that is the nature of who God is and He calls us to the ministry of reconciliation.

Who is it that we need to be reconciled with today? Are we willing to act and encounter His freedom in our lives, or will we refuse and live with a burden of our own making? It is always our choice.

But it is a choice! Either way it is a choice!

Six questions to ask in any reconciliation process

Trying to reconcile broken relationships is a tough job. In conflict, things are said, actions taken, motives judged, offenses given and received and by the time you are finished a great deal of damage has been done. Like divorce: If you were not enemies before the divorce you may well be when the contentious process is concluded. By that time, both parties see one another through a lens of suspicion, mistrust and often anger and even the most innocent actions are seen from a negative perspective. 

There is nothing easy about trying to bring peace to a broken relationship and those who try are to be commended. As Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers! It is a humbling, difficult process that involves our hearts, our minds and our future commitments. To say nothing of the necessity to forgive those who we believe have hurt us badly. In our humanity we want our pound of flesh even if we keep that private. 

In any reconciliation process it seems to me there are six questions that need to be explored. There is no guarantee as you enter such a process that reconciliation will be possible but working through these six questions gives it a chance. 

First: Do I truly want peace with the party I am in conflict with? Our natural response to that is "of course." But that is not necessarily true. Conflict brings with it pain and hurt and in the wake of that conflict it is often more comfortable to nurse our pain than to extend forgiveness for another's actions and ask for forgiveness for our part in the conflict. Often, one or both parties resist any reconciliation because they don't want to contemplate the forgiveness issue. 

Reconciliation is rarely successful until both parties desire to reconcile - to the extent that they can. Often this first question is the most difficult and requires the most work. No matter how bad the conflict, when both parties come to the conclusion they want peace, the outcome is usually positive.

Second: What are the issues? Because conflict creates relational chaos it is necessary to try to identify the issues that created the conflict and the further issues that ocurred during the conflict. Making a list of these issues helps to separate those issues from our emotions and give us a clearer picture of what happened and after it happened how one or both parties contributed to further issues. Usually it takes a third party to walk the two parties in conflict through this exercise - and those that come. 

Having identified the issues the third question: What can be resolved? When you can isolate the issues involved there are usually a number that can be resolved quickly. Often, they include assumptions one party made along the way regarding the actions of the other. Sometimes, a long period of conflict is found to have been the result of a simply misunderstanding that escalated because of incorrect assumptions. If two parties are open and humble, many issues can usually be resolved through honest conversation and careful listening.

The fourth question: What issues cannot be resolved? There are often issues that it is not possible to resolve. Often, because of the lens through which we see the opposing party and our inability to hear or believe their explanation. Sometimes the events are too murky and shrouded in emotion to resolve. This does not mean that these issues will never be resolved but only that they cannot be resolved at this time. Record these and leave them for another day or agree at some point to let them go. 

Question five: Where can forgiveness be extended or asked for? Here is where significant closure starts to take place. When we forgive we give up our offense and when we ask for the same we humble ourselves and admit that we too are fallible. Asking for forgiveness creates an atmosphere that breaks down barriers leading the other party to do the same. Asking and extending forgiveness often breaks the dam of animosity. It also often makes the issues that cannot be resolved mute. They no longer matter because a level of relational peace has been attained. 

Question six flows out of the other five: Can we agree to live in peace and without rancor? This is a decision to cease hostilities and agree to live at peace. This means that we will not speak ill of the other party, that we will no longer nurse anger or resentment and that we will lay down our animosity in exchange for peace. This can be a hard decision even after this process because it requires us to give up the bitterness we have nursed, the attitude of entitlement we have toward the hurt that has been inflicted on us and lay it all down. Like the first question this is an act of the will. 

None of this is easy. It is a choice and a hard choice but it brings amazing freedom and blessing. "Blessed are the peacemakers."

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Smelling Good, Looking Great and Divisive Attitudes

This blog was written by Edmund Chan of Singapore, Leadership Mentor at Covenant EFC and Founder of the Global Alliance of Intentional Disciplemaking Churches

“Oh, for God’s sake, stop it!”

That’s what the Apostle Paul said, with compassionate apostolic authority. And he meant it. Well yes, Paul didn’t put it exactly like that. But I think it captures rather accurately his keen sentiments.
[And by putting it in street vernacular, I don’t mean that Paul was using the Lord’s name in vain! It was quite literally “for God’s sake”, and theirs!]

You see, these were two Christian women. One was named “Smell Good” and the other was named “Look Great”. Both were friends of the Apostle Paul. And both couldn’t get along; such that it was affecting the church. Perhaps you know them by their Greek names: Euodia (“Smell Good”) and Syntyche (“Look Great”)!

With great names like “Smell Good” and “Look Great”, and being persecuted Christians in the first century church (and being friends and co-labourers with Paul), I would be rather surprised if I were told that there was a dark rivalry and relational friction between them.

Fact is, there was!

They couldn’t get along with each other; in spite of the common trials they face and the common faith they share! The Bible is silent on the exact nature of the disagreement. Euodia and Syntyche were probably in some sort of power struggle over an issue that boiled down to influence, or perhaps a preferred comfort zone; simply a personal preference for how something should be done. [Often, big quarrels stem from small things!]

Even though Paul did not treat this matter as he would false doctrine or teaching, neither did the Apostle ignore this fracture within the fellowship. Phil. 4:2-3 “I ENTREAT Euodia and I ENTREAT Syntyche TO AGREE IN THE LORD. 3 Yes, I ask you also, true companion, HELP THESE WOMEN, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.” (emphasis mine). 

The word “entreat” is “parakaleo” in the Greek (used 109 times in the NT). “Parakaleo” is often used to mean “encourage” or “exhort”. But in this case, the ESV has captured the nuance rightly with “I entreat (beg!) you”. 

The point of this passage is more than just about Paul wanting two women to get along. Rather, it about the Gospel. 

The revelation of the Gospel comes with the GRACE and CALLING of God to live and labour as a redeemed and transformed covenant community. This call is vital and congruent with the responsibility to proclaim this Gospel of LOVE. And just how can they do so when there is bitterness and divisiveness? In Philippians 4, Paul asks these women to ‘be of the same mind IN THE LORD’. 

We might disagree but never disengage. Disagreement happens. It’s not wrong. The diversity of views is healthy; it’s the divisiveness of personalities that is troublesome. Neither be discouraged by the diversity not disrupted by the divisiveness. 

The important thing is to deal compassionately (and humbly!) with the differences and be reconciled “with one mind” over what’s important! Whatever the dispute was, it was not to sidetrack them from the work of the Gospel and the unity of faith in it. No dispute is worth the division. 

Euodia and Syntyche had to learn from their apostolic mentor about getting along. About taking responsibility for their part in their dispute. About laying down their pride, without the self-righteous attitude: ‘well, I hope she’s listening!’ We might ‘look great’ or even ‘smell good’.  But if we do not embrace a MEEKNESS that brings a fragrance and not a fracture to the covenant community, they are but empty accolades. Don’t be divisive.

For God’s sake, stop it!