Four reasons people don't fully embrace their God designed gifting and destiny

Many people have not yet stepped completely into their destiny and embraced who God made them to be. They are holding back, and in doing so and living cautiously they live with the sense that God has something more for them, that they are not truly fulfilled and that they are not using all of the gifts and wiring that God created within them. 

Why would people not fully embrace and live out the real them that God created and settle for something less than they know to be who they are? I believe there are four key reasons that we choose caution over all out destiny producing lives.

One: all of us suffer the wounds of life. Many times those wounds cause us to pull into our shell and protect ourselves. The wife who has been told by her husband for years that she is "stupid" and "incompetent." The pastor who has suffered wounds from his leaders and chooses to back off and lead cautiously. The woman who had an abortion in her youth and secretly believes that because of that act she will never be used by God.

Life brings with it wounds and those wounds, even without us knowing it can cause us to pull back from all God made us to be. In doing that we short circuit who God made us to be.

Two: The lies of the evil one: He does not want us to claim our destiny or fully live in the lane God created for us. Lies like, "He will never use you because of what you have done," "you are not worthy," "you will make a fool of yourself," "you are not qualified," and the lies in our head go on and on and cause us to pull back, live in caution and even fear. 

The evil one absolutely does not want any of us to step completely into our destiny and who God made us to be because it is then we are a direct threat to him. He will do all he can to keep us living in fear and caution.

Three: The expectations of others. Many of us are doing what we do because someone else had a plan for our lives - parents, spouses, or other well meaning people who told us what we ought to be doing but which leaves us with a quiet sense that we are not doing the right thing that maximizes our gifting and impact. Many people have plans for our lives but God's plan trumps them all. When we are in a role that is incompatible with the real us we live with frustration, anxiety and that vague sense of incompleteness. And it prevents us from fully embracing God's plan for our lives.

Fourth: Fear. Fear of failure, fear of allowing out voice to be heard, fear that we might be wrong, fear that others will take offense. Fear is the killer of faith which is why the number one command in scripture is "Fear not." Here is the irony: God never asks us to step into who he made us to be without promising to go with us, empower us and protect us. After all we are simply living out His will for our lives. 

Let me ask a personal and direct question. Are you holding back in your life? Are you resisting God's whisper to step out and be who God made you to be - completely? Do you have a sense that God has more for you but that it is you who is holding back? If so, the antidote to these destiny killers is to courageously step out in faith, in followership and in close connection with God and just go for it, trusting that God will go with you.

Cautious living leads to diminished joy and diminished impact. When we fully embrace our God given gifts and destiny the adventure begins and our joy increases. 

What has your ministry learned in the past five to ten years?

I had a great conversation with a ministry this week. They are ten years old and the goal of the conversation was to figure out how they could accomplish in the next two years more than they had in the past ten years. 

Now that may sound like an audacious goal, but not necessarily - because, when one stops and thinks about it, lessons have been learned positive and negative that could change the nature of how the ministry approached its next run and from those lessons extrapolate ministry strategy that is far more successful.

The answers to "what have we learned in the first ten years" filled a huge whiteboard several times over. The dialogue around those lessons started to clarify in these leaders minds, how they needed to shape their strategy for the future.

Once we had done this we moved to a second question. What "game changers" could we think of that would dramatically increase the ministry's impact in the next two years. We put one other thing on the table: as we considered the next two years we wanted to totally ignore how we were currently configured and ask how we would organize the ministry today if we were starting all over - knowing what we know today.

Our goal was to erase from our minds our preconceived conceptions of how things should be done (because we have always done them that way) and ask how we would organize today if we were starting from scratch based on lessons learned. Again, we came up with some significant game changers along with robust dialogue around those potential changes. 

Based on those "game changers" this ministry is moving forward and taking some calculated risks about how they see a quantum leap in their ministry effectiveness - based on the positive and negative lessons learned in their past. 

If you have never tried this exercise I would strongly encourage you to do so. Your team actually has an amazing amount of information as to what has worked well and what has not worked well but until one puts that in black and white and asks one can leverage that valuable information for the future, we continue to do what we always did - out of sheer habit.

What boards and pastors need to know about one another

The relationship between senior pastors and their board is a critical factor in the success or failure of any pastor and it therefore impacts the health of the church. It is not always an easy relationship and takes time to build and nurture. Here are some things that pastors and boards need to know about one another.

Boards need to know that pastors see their role not as a job but as a calling. It is one of the reasons that many pastors are deeply sensitive to what they perceive to be criticism. This is their life, not just a job! Board members who are insensitive or critical are likely to get a defensive reaction from many pastors. Yes, pastors (I was one) can be insecure and sensitive. Much of that is that they care a lot about what they do.

Boards need to know that a pastor can weather almost any storm as long as the board is with him. But, if the board is not supportive publicly and privately the relationship is likely to go south. This does not mean that they always need to agree. It does mean that a pastor can count on the board to guard his back and take arrows for him. Boards that are not supportive are likely to lose their pastor as no pastor can effectively minister without the support of his board. Pastors are much more likely to listen carefully to board members who they know they can trust than whose support is tepid.

The job of a pastor is often a lonely one and it brings with it huge pressures. Someone is always unhappy and unlike the workplace you cannot fire your congregants! If a pastor can rely on his board for friendship and support it goes a long way for them.

Boards need to know that pastors resent being micromanaged. Pastors have lots of people who think they can and should tell them how to do what they do. What they don’t want is the board doing the same thing in terms of their day to day duties. Healthy boards don’t do management – they leave that to the pastoral staff (or volunteers). Instead they focus on vision and direction and policy.

Pastors on the other hand need to know that board members are used to having robust dialogue without people getting defensive over direct comments and opinions. That is the way it is in most workplaces. People express their opinions openly and candidly and it is expected that others can take it without it causing angst. Just because board members express differing opinions does not mean they are not in your corner. They are used to candid discussion.

Pastors need to know that board members have a tremendous amount of expertise from their experience and work which can be brought to bear on ministry. And they want to use their gifts in the ministry setting. But they often feel like this is not welcome because “this is a ministry not business.” Good leadership, good practices apply in the workplace and the church. Whenever we give the impression that “business and ministry” don’t match up we disemempower board members who come out of the non ministry world.

Pastors need to know that board members care about bottom line results and getting things done. They are often frustrated by the slow pace in ministry or staff members who don’t have a plan or cannot execute that plan. Return on investment (ROI) is something they value in their business – they want to stay in business. Return on mission (ROM) is something they value in the church. Lack of effective planning and execution on the plan will cause great frustration to good leaders.

Consider having a candid conversation as a board with your pastor on areas that each side sees that cause angst or frustration. You may not agree on everything but at least you will understand one another better and the needs that both have from the other. As this relationship goes, so goes the church.

Disappointments are Opportunities

We all have them. In fact I had one yesterday: disappointments! They are a part of life and no on is exempt. The Apostle Paul had people who let him down, places he wanted to bring the Gospel but was prevented from doing so, physical ailments that God did not take away. Just go down the list of Biblical characters and you will find a trail of disappointments behind them. It is part of the human condition. Some of those disappointments are irritations and some are deeply painful.

But all disappointments are also opportunities because God is the only one who can redeem any and all disappointments for His glory in our lives. Humanly, disappointments are just that. Spiritually, they are an opportunity to see what God intends to do either in the situation, in the lives of others or in our lives through them. That fact does not necessarily make them any easier to endure but it does give us hope that God can take what looks messed up to us and use it in ways we never dreamed of. God is not just in the business of redeeming hearts but in redeeming circumstances as well. And no one is more creative in how He does it than Him.


Consider this: how many ministries on this globe were started by someone who had walked through great disappointment and pain and because of it channeled their energies to helping others in similar situations. That is disappointment turned inside out for God's glory! Ask people passionate about some unique ministry how they got there and you will often find the beginning of the trail at disappointment! 


In fact, ask yourself this question. "What were the greatest disappointments of my life and how did God use those disappointments to make me who I am today?" Most of the major ministry themes in my life can be traced back to disappointments that God turned into opportunities to minister to others. Can you see any of the same trails in your life?


Dealing with disappointments is influenced by how deeply we understand and believe in and trust God's sovereignty over our lives. This understanding does not lesson the pain of disappointments but it does give us a foundation for how we deal with them. I am convinced that nothing happens in our lives, good or bad that does not first pass by the hands of God and which He does not use for his purposes in our lives. That knowledge does not lesson the pain of disappointment. It does give me a reference point of faith in dealing with them. I can say in my heart, "God is up to something in this and He will redeem it for His glory if I let him and trust Him."

Moses had forty years to deal with his disappointment of being a fugitive on the run and then a simple shepherd before God redeemed his situation to lead his people out of bondage. Joseph had disappointments with betrayal from family and employers before God redeemed his situation for His purposes. David was anointed king and then chased for years by Saul and you hear the despair in his voice through the Psalms. The list goes on. I am on the list. You are on the list. God is in the business of redeeming our situation for His glory and our growth.


Yesterday I received one of those nice "no thank you letters" from a publisher who had previously said they would publish what I consider my best book. Disappointment. But then, I began to think "I wonder what God has in mind" because what to me is a disappointment is to Him an opportunity to demonstrate His creativity, His sovereignty and in the end His glory. What it takes from us is to turn our disappointments over to Him and ask Him to take them, redeem them and use them in a way that honors Him. We will often be surprised with what He does.

The cancer of mistrust

Mistrust is one of the most common dangers that organizations face whether it is mistrust of leaders or mistrust of others on the team. It is like a cancer in the organization and by its very nature, when not addressed it becomes larger rather than smaller as the attitudes rub off on other members. In addition, where mistrust flourishes, good ministry diminishes because the emotional energy needed to deal with mistrust issues takes away from healthy energy that could be focused in productive ways. Mistrust is always a lose/lose proposition.

What causes mistrust? It is not what one usually thinks. Often it starts with a perception about another person and rather than going to that person to determine whether the perception is accurate, which means taking responsibility, it is easier to simply believe that the perception is correct and allow that to color their attitude toward that individual. And, as that "perception" is shared as truth with others, the cancer spreads.

Then there are people who intentionally plant seeds of mistrust toward those they don't like or a leadership philosophy they take umbrage to. In both of these cases, the conversations that take place are behind the scenes, often couched in spiritual language (we are ministries after all). Because the conversation is not out in the open, you see the impact of the cancer but it is often difficult to pin point who is responsible.

In both these scenarios, others get sucked into the mistrust when they unwisely take up the offenses of others. So here you have people who have no first hand knowledge of issues that are shared with them, or even their veracity but they pick up the offense and make it theirs. This is not only unbiblical  but it is harder to fix because there was no offense, real or perceived, committed that involves them. How do you solve mistrust issues where one has not  done anything to cause it?

Healthy organizations and leaders always walk toward the barking dog when it comes to attitudes of mistrust because of the terrible damage it has in the organization. In fact, the longer one ignores pockets of mistrust, the more damage to the organization. Just as we would not think of ignoring a diagnosis of cancer, we cannot think of ignoring a diagnosis of mistrust.

Pockets of mistrust usually have a common source so one of your strategies is to watch and listen and seek to determine who is behind the distrustful attitudes and who has simply taken up that attitude and made theirs. Given time and attention, you can usually identify the source of the problem.

When one knows the source, enter into a defining dialogue with that individual putting the elephants on the table and indicating that unless the mistrust can be resolved it will not work for them to be a part of your organization. Dialogue about the real or imagined offenses that the individual has and seek resolution. Part of that resolution is that in the future when there are issues they must go to the one they have an issue with and seek to resolve it rather than going to others and talking. What mistrust makers need to know is that their behavior is not compatible with the ethos of your organization so you are going to hold them accountable for how they deal with issues they have. Every time there is a violation of that agreement, a direct discussion takes place.

What about others who have taken up offenses? In our organization we go to every one of them that we know, and in dialogue seek to get to the bottom of the issue. Usually their information is either incomplete or not accurate and their assumptions are not correct. After all, these are not their issues, they have simply taken up the offense of others. Once issues have been clarified and questions answered we ask that in the future they don't take up the offenses of others and always go to the person involved first and try to resolve their real or perceived issues. Because we know how damaging attitudes of mistrust are we will not ignore them ever.

Not everyone wants to be accountable for attitudes or be held to biblical standards of conflict resolution. Where we cannot make progress on resolving trust issues we will take the step of indicating that unless it is resolved, the individual cannot stay with the organization. That calls the question since no one can be productive in a ministry organization where there is a lack of trust in leaders or others. In these cases, some choose to leave and some choose to resolve their attitudes. What is not acceptable is living with mistrust because of its high and negative cost.

Leaders who don't have the courage to deal with pockets of mistrust in an upfront way see the health of their organization or team deteriorate. It is a cancer and needs to be dealt with.

Your church has a financial challenge

As we live through year three of an incredibly difficult financial environment a good number of churches are feeling significant pain as giving is not keeping up with budgets. In many cases, there is reluctance to tell the congregation exactly what the situation is and try to solve the problem internally via spending cuts and even lay offs. 

Perhaps the reluctance to be transparent with the congregation is that we don't want to look like we have not managed the situation well. Yet it is the congregation who are the stakeholders of the ministry and simply laying it out to them often results in many people stepping up to meet the need. Remember that in the typical evangelical church, forty to sixty percent of all giving goes outside the local church so these situations are rarely money problems even in a down economy.

One church I know had a 1.5 million dollar shortfall that absolutely needed to be met. Over a period of five weeks they simply laid the facts out to the congregation and thus far they have seen nearly a million dollars of that need met. And, the leaders were praised for their humble transparency.

Rather than losing credibility in being transparent, leaders gain credibility as they include the whole congregation in seeking to meet the need and solve the problem. At the very lease you don't know what people will do until you lay it out and ask.

If cuts must be made the key is not to compromise the central or core ministries of the church. In good times we add ancillary ministries that are nice to have but not core to what we must do. Those are the places where cuts should take place. In fact, the gift of financial challenges is that it forces us to determine what is central and core to who we are and focus on those things.

Learning quotients

Standard questions I ask leaders are "What have you learned about leadership in the past year?" and "What are the most significant books you have read recently?" Or, "What dumb tax have you paid recently that you wish you didn't have to pay?" 

The responses are interesting - I learn from them. How quickly the leaders can answer the question is also telling. Some have a hard time coming up with an answer while others can tell you immediately. The difference between the two usually has to do with whether one has a mindset of learning or not. 

Life gives us amazing opportunities to grow emotionally, spiritually, relationally and in our areas of strength - if we are intentional about it. What works against us is the pace of life and the tendency to be so busy that we don't have time to reflect on the very things that could make us better leaders or better people. But it is reflection that gives us the greatest opportunities for growth as we intentionally ask ourselves questions about our lives and leadership. One of the reasons I blog is that it allows me opportunity to reflect on issues that I have observed or experienced. It is about learning and growth.

All of us need a strategy for personal growth. Since we learn and process differently there is no one way but there should be a way - practices that are built into our lives or schedules that allows us to grow from what we experience and observe. A helpful question to ask is "How do I best learn and grow?" The follow up question is "Is my life, schedule and practice congruent with how I best learn?" so that the growth curve never slows down.

For leaders, that growth quotient is critical since they need to be on the front end of those they lead. Leaders who are not intentional about growth often have a rude awakening when those they lead become disillusioned by their leadership. Our leadership capital is our ability to help those we lead maximize their gifts and effectively meet the mission of the organization. When we lost that capital our leadership is over. 

Whether you are a leader or not, what is your strategy for growth and are you continuing to grow at the pace you once did? Sloth (a great word) in this area of life is both dangerous and unfortunate but it often sets in in our forties or fifties when we think we have learned what we need to learn and can simply rest on our past experience. If anything it is at this stage of life that intentionality in growth is the most important. No past experience can compensate for what we need to learn and where we need to grow today. 

Take a moment and reflect on your learning quotient and strategy. It is the way of the "wise" in the book of Proverbs.