Four keys to productive conversations

 

It is amazing how quickly something said in a conversation can take the conversation south, or leave one or both parties thinking that they had not had a worthwhile dialogue. This is even more true today in the politically charged and divisive day in which we live. Productive conversations are a key to relational and business success, so how do we increase the possibility of healthy conversations?

I believe that there are four keys to productive conversations.

One: Rather than leading with pronouncements, lead with questions. Questions elicit dialogue and conversation while pronouncements often lead to misunderstanding and can easily shut down conversations. In the worst case, they create unnecessary conflict. 

I might have disappointment with a staff member and need to have a conversation around the issue that disappointed me. If I lead with a pronouncement of my disappointment I will probably be met with defensiveness. However, if I start by asking a few questions, I will not only understand better why something happened (or didn't) but will open up an opportunity to talk candidly about it. The best conversations are driven by questions and inquisitiveness rather than pronouncements or conclusions. I might even discover that what I thought happened had reasons that I had no idea of.

Two: Listen!!!! We talk too much and listen too little. Understanding comes when we actively listen to others. The more we listen to others the more clues we have to what they are actually thinking or saying. When I have practiced the discipline of listening I have been thankful that I did because my perception of what was real and what was actually real had been flawed. Understanding and empathy only take place when we listen and ask good questions. It changes the nature of the conversation completely. 

Three: Choose a posture of humility rather than one of expertise or "I know the answers." Even if you do know the answers, a posture of humility will allow your input to be heard. If we come across as the expert who has the answers, the conversation stops. There is nowhere to go. And, the best answers are usually found in dialogue rather than in our own heads. I am an expert in almost nothing but in the company of others I can help find answers to problems and situations. Narcissistic people make pronouncements, don't listen and let people know they have the answers. All these behaviors shut down conversation rather than facilitate it.

Four: Pay great attention to the tone, body language, reactions and emotional feedback from the individual you are talking to. Self awareness is a key to good Emotional Intelligence and we get ourselves in trouble when we are unaware of the reaction of the one we are talking with. Being aware of their reactions can help us have a more effective conversation. If what we are saying is being met with resistance, we want to be aware and potentially modify our approach.

Without these four practices, it is easy to approach conversations with only our assumptions. Those assumptions are often deeply flawed but they need not be hinderance to the dialogue if we will pay attention to these practices. They give dignity to those we are talking to and understanding to us.

Never underestimate your influence

 

My wife, Cleo, grew up in a remote province of the Philippines. For many years the Philippines was a possession of Spain and her town was one of those deeply influenced by the Spanish. In fact, the town is built like a Spanish town with a Catholic Church from the 1800’s in the town Square. From an early age Cleo was taken to church by her grandmother. She remembers her grandma’s large Spanish-style skirts, the sweets that she would bring in her deep pockets and her grandma’s love for Jesus. 

Her grandma would tell her that she prayed for her daily. Her grandma, her church, and early faith were all part of the same picture. She gave to Cleo a great love for Jesus and an abiding love for the church. Her grandmother was a humble woman of humble means who passed on to Cleo a love for Jesus that Cleo has, in subsequent years, passed on and continues to pass on to others. 

In Paul’s second letter to Timothy he tells Timothy how he remembers him in his prayers. And then he writes, “I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5). Later in the same letter he reminds Timothy of how, from infancy, he has known the Holy Scriptures, because of his grandmother and mother. Nothing else is known of Lois and Eunice but we do know that they passed their faith and love for Jesus down to Timothy who passed it on to others. 

We should never underestimate the influence that we can have with family, friends and acquaintances as we simply live lives of faith, love Jesus, and share that faith and love with others. This is evangelism 101. It does not take special training and it isn’t a program. It is simply influencing others through our lives and especially our prayers.

Cleo’s grandmother probably never travelled more than 100 miles beyond her village. She would be amazed if she knew that this little girl that she prayed for and took with her to church, has lived in Manilla, Saudi Arabia, the UAE and now the United States. And in each of these places, Cleo has pointed people to Jesus through her infectious personality, deep faith, loving compassion, and prayer for those around her. This is her grandmother’s legacy. Her grandmother’s simple faith and prayer has, at this point, touched the world long after her death. Her life mattered and her faith has now touched many.

Every day we have the opportunity to influence others for Jesus. Never underestimate your influence with those around you. The legacy of our faith, our prayer, and our love for Jesus can have ripples long after we are gone. Let your life ripple for Him in the lives of those around you. 

One thing that God is rich in

 

Few chapters of the Bible are more explicit about the amazing blessings we have in Jesus than Ephesians one and two. If you have not read them recently, you should. While there are many crazy amazing statements in these two chapters, one stands out and it has huge implications for you and I. It is Ephesians 2:4 where we read, “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.”

Now there are many things that God is rich in but this is the only time in Scripture where he tells us what one of those things is. He says that He is rich, enormously rich in mercy. He is a billionaire when it comes to mercy and he loves to give it away. In fact, notice that this mercy is not given to us because we deserve it but is a result of His great love for us. As Micah 7:18 says, God delights in showing mercy. Mercy is His specialty. 

As I write this, the powerball total is 241 million dollars. How many people would love to win that lotto. In this case one or a handful of people might win all or a piece of it. With Jesus, the prize is infinitely greater and anyone who desires that prize can claim it because He delights in showing mercy. It is His specialty and he is rich in it. 

And we need it. Paul writes in the passage above that we were dead in transgressions. Dead! We had a sin problem that we could not fix. We were not sick, we didn’t lack something, and we didn’t have flaws. We were Dead! And Jesus came to bring dead people to life - because of His mercy. We didn’t deserve it, could not earn it and had no way to deal with it. Dead people cannot do surgery on themselves. 

And why would Jesus come to bring dead people like us to life? Because of His great love for us. His infinite, unfathomable, unexplainable love. I have often had people say to me about someone they were totally irritated or angry with, “I’m done with them.” “I’m done!” 

Now consider God. He created us in His image, created a perfect world for us to live in, and not only did we rebel and go our own way but when God became a creature in the incarnation many rejected Him as well and crucified Him. Yet God, unlike us, never said “I’m done.” Rather he actually came to die for our sin, yank our dead bodies to life and pour out His mercy on us. He is never done with us. He loves us with an infinite and unexplainable love and He is rich, exceedingly rich in mercy.

We never cease to need God’s mercy. Everyday we need mercy for sins of comission and sins of omission. But as Duane Ortlund writes, “If God sent his own Son to walk through the valley of condemnation, rejection and hell, you can trust him as you walk through your own valleys on your way to heaven.” Between His love and His mercy we have become recipients of His amazing grace.

And those who have become recipients of and understand His mercy freely give it away to others. We cannot give what we have not experienced in a real way.

God's thinking and ours: Be glad they are not the same

 

 

How often when things don’t go our way, or when our prayers are not answered as we would wish we think of Isaiah 55:8 where it says ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” In other words, we conclude that we cannot understand God or His ways and the reason He does not respond as we would is that, in the words of Isaiah, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

The conclusion is that we just cannot understand God. But what if this conclusion is not what God is saying here? What if He is not talking about the fact that we cannot understand Him but that He doesn’t act as we would expect Him to. Or to put it another way, He doesn’t act like we act in an important way.

Like all of Scripture, these verses need to be read in context. In verses 6-8, God says to us, “Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.”

In other words, if you have made a mess of your life, if you are in trouble, if you need God’s mercy and love and forgiveness, turn to me and I will have mercy on you. In fact, I will freely pardon you.” And then He says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,  neither are your ways my ways”, declares the Lord. 

Why would He say this? Because He isn’t like us. If someone has offended us or hurt us or messed up their lives we have long memories. We expect them to get their act together, make up for their offense, pull up their bootstraps. We can be unforgiving, lack compassion and mercy, hold on to grudges and offenses and withhold our love, forgiveness or kindness.

God is saying, I am not like you. I don’t think like you think. My ways are higher than your ways. My heart is bigger than your heart. In fact, no matter how badly you have messed up, how often you have messed up or no matter what the mess you have created, come to me and I will have mercy on you and will freely pardon. While we would think He would withhold His love and mercy, because that is our way, He says, no I give it freely, every time. Come to me.

In fact, in verse 12, we read this: “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.”

Dane Ortlund writes: “He isn’t like you. Even the most intense of human love is but the faintest echo of heaven’s cascading abundance. His heartfelt thoughts for you outstrip what you can conceive. He intends to restore you into the radiant resplendence for which you were created. And that is dependent not on you keeping yourself clean but on you taking your mess to him. He doesn’t limit himself to working with the unspoiled parts of us that remain after a lifetime of sinning. His power runs so deep that he is able to redeem the very worst parts of our past into the most radiant parts of our future. But we need to take those dark miseries to him.” (Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers, pp 160-161).

How lucky we are that His ways are not our ways. His heart of compassion and mercy is unlike that of any of us. 

The Treasure Slipping Silently Away - A fabulous article on time by Greg Morse

The Treasure Slipping Silently Away

Article by 

Greg Morse

Staff writer, desiringGod.org

A calm, peaceful and untroubled heart

 

I am one of those individuals who overthinks things. When I think about the past I ask the “what if” questions. What if I had done this or not done that? When thinking about the future I want to have it all worked out as if I can actually control what happens tomorrow. And on any given day I have loads of questions about my life and what is going on around me. And if I watch the news or read social media I am aware that our world is messed up and that messes with my mind and heart. 

What I desire most of all is to live each day with a peaceful, calm and untroubled heart. I’m guessing that you want the same. We also know that for many of us this seems to be an elusive goal but God says it is possible. 

In First Peter 5:7, the Apostle says this: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” We don’t need to carry around our anxiety! Jesus says, give it to me because I care about you and because I am the only one that is equipped to deal with it. 

The key here is that we need to actively choose to give our cares and anxieties to God. The reason that we don’t live with peaceful, calm and untroubled hearts is that we don’t give our anxieties and worries to the Father on a daily basis. 

The great women and men of the faith often had what were called the morning and evening office or prayers. It was a set time each morning where they came into God’s presence and gave their concerns to Him along with a time of confession and worship. It was an intentional discipline to acknowledge their failings, their need for Jesus that day, to give to Him their concerns and worries and receive from Him the strength and guidance they needed for that day. The evening office is a time of thanksgiving for His presence and protection for the day.

Drawing on the example of these men and women of God, I start each day by writing out a prayer to God. Much of it is the same prayer each day - written again each day because my need is new each day. It grounds me in my need for Him, my brokenness and need for His forgiveness and transferring my anxieties and worries to Him. 

These are the opening words I pen each and every day. “Father, Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Grant me today a calm, peaceful and untroubled heart. Bless me and keep me, shine your face upon me and be gracious to me, turn your heart toward me and give me peace.”

The latter portion is the prayer that the priests of the Old Testament prayed over the people when they came to worship. It is beautiful because it represents God’s heart for us. He wants to give us peace and He offers to us His peace. Each and every day!

If you want to live each day with a peaceful, calm and untroubled heart, it starts with a practice of asking God for that very thing. It is what He offers us and it is what He wants to give us. That today He would give to us a peaceful, calm and untroubled heart and that He would bless us and keep us, shine His face upon us and be gracious to us and that He would turn His face toward us and give us peace. His peace.

Three questions and three disciplines that drive ministry forward

 

Workplaces are designed to keep people busy with activity, but often, that activity does not drive a meaningful missional agenda forward in a disciplined way. There are meetings without clear agendas, decisions that get made and forgotten, leaders who have their own priorities that are not necessarily connected to a larger overreaching goal, and employees who are busy with good things but not aligned and moving in the same direction.

This is especially true in the ministry or non-profit world where the disciplines related to profit are absent. It is easier to get away without discipline, alignment, and focus. Of course, that is not our desire: We desire to be mission-driven and deeply effective, so what is the key to seeing this happen?

Meaningful work, alignment, and focus always start at the organization's top. The senior team has the responsibility to set the organization’s agenda. This is not simply about mission or vision but about annual and quarterly priorities, which will help move the organization's agenda toward that mission and vision. Without this discipline of annual objectives and quarterly goals contributing to that annual objective, there is simply activity without focus.

Leaders drive meaningful agendas and progress by asking three questions and establishing three disciplines. This is both simple and profound.

Question One: What is our picture of our preferred future? Everyone has a mission or vision statement. A picture of the preferred future is a written document of one to three pages that clearly describes the end result of the organization’s work and the practices and culture of the organization itself. To move your organization toward a target, you must define the target. Once written, this picture of your preferred future should be revisited once a year to clarify and make any necessary changes.

The first discipline is writing your picture of the preferred future. Leaders who have not defined in specific terms what their organization or ministry is about do not have a target to hit. They are like Charlie Brown, who never used a target because that way, he could hit it every time. Amusing but not fruitful.

Question Two: Once we have our picture of the preferred future in writing, what are the specific things we are committed to accomplishing this year to best move us toward that preferred future? In the absence of asking that question, many things will happen in the course of the year, but it will not be focused in a laser way on moving toward your goal. Without a target, dozens of small “moves” will not substitute for three to five organization-wide moves toward a specific goal.

Thus, the second discipline is identifying the three to five key initiatives the organization must make in any given year to move toward the preferred future. This is hard strategic work that often does not occur precisely because it is hard and because, with this work, accountability is inherent in making these commitments. This is what separates great leadership from average leadership. It is the discipline of moving the organization toward its preferred future annually with accountability.

Question Three: What are the specific “wins” that every department or leader will accomplish in the next 90 days by quarter? Large wins are made up of smaller wins, and 90-day win cycles keep staff and departments focused on moving the agenda forward. They allow you to break down large goals into bite-size goals that build on one another and make the annual “wins” possible. In this way, every department or leader identifies what they will focus on in the next 90 days. Focus is everything!

So the third discipline is that of running 90-day “win cycles” where the “scorecard” is the 90-day plan. This takes discipline and a regular rhythm of work that is calendared and built into the fabric of the organization's annual, quarterly, and monthly work. While the first few quarters may be hard, the ongoing discipline becomes easier, and the wins make it all worthwhile.

Organizational leadership is always about asking the right questions and living with the right disciplines. These three will move your leadership and your organization’s results to the next level.