Four keys to productive conversations

 

It is amazing how quickly something said in a conversation can take the conversation south, or leave one or both parties thinking that they had not had a worthwhile dialogue. This is even more true today in the politically charged and divisive day in which we live. Productive conversations are a key to relational and business success, so how do we increase the possibility of healthy conversations?

I believe that there are four keys to productive conversations.

One: Rather than leading with pronouncements, lead with questions. Questions elicit dialogue and conversation while pronouncements often lead to misunderstanding and can easily shut down conversations. In the worst case, they create unnecessary conflict. 

I might have disappointment with a staff member and need to have a conversation around the issue that disappointed me. If I lead with a pronouncement of my disappointment I will probably be met with defensiveness. However, if I start by asking a few questions, I will not only understand better why something happened (or didn't) but will open up an opportunity to talk candidly about it. The best conversations are driven by questions and inquisitiveness rather than pronouncements or conclusions. I might even discover that what I thought happened had reasons that I had no idea of.

Two: Listen!!!! We talk too much and listen too little. Understanding comes when we actively listen to others. The more we listen to others the more clues we have to what they are actually thinking or saying. When I have practiced the discipline of listening I have been thankful that I did because my perception of what was real and what was actually real had been flawed. Understanding and empathy only take place when we listen and ask good questions. It changes the nature of the conversation completely. 

Three: Choose a posture of humility rather than one of expertise or "I know the answers." Even if you do know the answers, a posture of humility will allow your input to be heard. If we come across as the expert who has the answers, the conversation stops. There is nowhere to go. And, the best answers are usually found in dialogue rather than in our own heads. I am an expert in almost nothing but in the company of others I can help find answers to problems and situations. Narcissistic people make pronouncements, don't listen and let people know they have the answers. All these behaviors shut down conversation rather than facilitate it.

Four: Pay great attention to the tone, body language, reactions and emotional feedback from the individual you are talking to. Self awareness is a key to good Emotional Intelligence and we get ourselves in trouble when we are unaware of the reaction of the one we are talking with. Being aware of their reactions can help us have a more effective conversation. If what we are saying is being met with resistance, we want to be aware and potentially modify our approach.

Without these four practices, it is easy to approach conversations with only our assumptions. Those assumptions are often deeply flawed but they need not be hinderance to the dialogue if we will pay attention to these practices. They give dignity to those we are talking to and understanding to us.

Listening to voices that make us feel uncomfortable

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned as a leader is to listen to voices and opinions that make me feel uncomfortable. It is not that I need to agree with them but I do need to listen to them and evaluate the perspective I am hearing. 

Think of the complexity of the world in which we live. We have perspectives of men and women (often different), first and second generation immigrants (often different), the outlook of various racial groups (witness Ferguson) and significant differences in the outlooks of differing age groups. It is in this environment that we are called to do ministry and advance the kingdom of Jesus - together.

I think it was no accident that Jesus brought together the most amazing group of disciples that would never have bonded apart from Him. He was making the point that in Him we can become one. In Him there is no Jew or Gentile, male or female, free or enslaved. In Him we  are one. The challenge of course is in living that truth out in the real life ministries we are a part of. Not easy indeed but possible if our vision is on the family God is intent in creating as His family. 

That means, however that we need to listen to the voices that make up the family we are a part of. All of us seen from our own perspective while Jesus desires us to see from His perspective. And His perspective takes in all of His people and their views and unique outlooks on life. Can it be uncomfortable? Yes! Can it help us grow and expand our views on life and ministry? Absolutely! It is our unity in our diversity that makes us the strongest as God's family. In that sense I love to be made uncomfortable because it helps me understand Him in a fuller way and the family of God in its fullness. 

The theology of the priesthood of all believers is a powerful reason to listen to fellow believers and seek to understand their perspective. They like us have the Holy Spirit dwelling in their hearts and it is us together that make up the wonderful and diverse family that is His family.

Conversations - why they matter

I recently was asked to sign a document that I could not in good conscience sign. Thus I asked for a conversation with the individual who was requesting it. What I received instead was an email that stated a position based on incorrect assumptions and fears. Not only did it shut down any dialogue but it was decidedly not a conversation.

When there is an issue to be resolved, email missives rarely resolve them. Often they escalate rather than deescalate conflict. They are one way communications that state positions which is not a conversation. When dealing with conflictual situations they are by nature impersonal and decidedly one sided. 

Conversations, on the other hand, are an exchange of ideas, positions or concerns that have the potential to clarity and get to issues that underlie one's concerns. It allows for questions and clarifications between two mature individuals. Often, even if there is not full resolution there is much better understanding from such dialogue.

If the individual above had been willing to converse I believe that many of his concerns would have been alleviated. Instead, by shutting down conversation (stating a position in an email with underlying wrong assumptions) he lives with his unfounded fears.

Where there is an issue, don't negotiate it by email. Try a conversation. It is more productive and certainly the more mature route to take. Any of us can state positions by impersonal email. Being willing to engage in a conversation demonstrates both greater humility and EQ and it has the potential to resolve thorny issues.

Learning to have probing conversations

Learning how to have probing conversations with others is a great skill for those who desire to have influence. This not an intrusive conversation but one that helps people come to clarity about something in their lives. Nor is it a prescriptive conversation but one that helps another come to understand themselves and their situation with greater clarity so that they can move in appropriate ways.

This is a skill that can be learned - I had to learn it. I am by nature inquisitive and a learner but in years past I did that analysis largely in my own brain: Quietly and systematically. That worked well when it was something I needed to figure out in my life but it didn't do as well in solving organizational problems where the intellectual capital of others is so valuable, nor in helping others come to clarity on issues they are facing.

A probing conversation is one of questions, reflecting back what you are hearing for clarity and unpeeling a situation like one would an onion, one thin layer at a time. It is not done in a hurry but in a relaxed setting designed for reflection.

It's questions are many:
"Tell me more about that."
"Why did you take that course of action?"
"What did you learn through that situation?"
"What drives you?"
"What does a good day look like for you?" "A bad day?"
"What in life gives you the greatest sense of purpose and satisfaction?"
"Why?"
"Tell me about your strengths and their shadow side."
"Tell me about your family of origin and how it has shaped you."

Probing conversations are full of thoughtful questions, careful listening, clarifying what one has heard, the silence of thinking and drilling down in order to help someone else understand themselves better. It is a key tool for leaders, supervisors or just friends who want to help another think deeply about their lives.

Perhaps the most important question we could ask ourselves and others is why? Why do I say yes to so many things? Why don't I delegate more? Why does so and so push all my buttons? Why am I defensive about certain things? The why question is so powerful first because it helps us understand our motives behind our actions and second, often reveals weaknesses in our practices or habits. It is powerful precisely because it makes us question the status quo and prevents us from thinking better and differently and more freshly.

Thus we can have equally probing conversations with ourselves and the wise among us do it all the time. It is in self-examination that we  better understand ourselves, especially as we allow the Holy Spirit to illuminate the recesses of our hearts, minds, emotions and motives. 

Our world is filled with surface conversation and too little deep conversation that helps us and others live with greater self-awareness. Every one of us can work to change that by asking the right questions at the right time, of ourselves and others.