There are people who under the guise of spiritual formation and "community" encourage others to bare their deepest secrets to them. I am not talking about trained counselors here but good intentioned individuals who believe that unless all is on the table and out in the open there cannot be growth. They set themselves up as the spiritual coach who can guide the process and encourage people to peel back the layers of their psyche to them.
In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.
These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy. Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix. Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.
Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.
Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.
Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.
4 comments:
THANK You! Your posts always seem so timely to the ministry God has placed me.
"Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. "
One person is attempting to find a staff member at our church who will do this. She has 2 other mental health professionals caring for her, she quotes all the right answers about God's acceptance of her but she wants a clergyman to tell her she's OK.
I felt bad having my secretary tell this woman that I won't meet with her. But experience tells me she only wants "Pseudo Discipleship"
The thought comes that this goes both ways. Sometimes people don't start out to draw deep issues from people, but the seeker/needy person can draw them in as well, by being appreciative and attentive of their efforts. Both parties need to have a healthy understanding of boundaries related to intimate issues and experiences. The seeker and the helper are both at risk of getting in over their heads. Our therapeutic culture has made so much of our relational activities into therapeutic endeavors. This is too bad. Therapy is good, in it's place and time. Relational spiritual growth, formation and coaching is important as well. Good post!
I'd have to push back against the author's stance a little. I certainly agree that there's a danger in seeking to form dependence upon yourself. However, in a few cases I've had an untrained brother in Christ challenge me to be transparent about deep core issues, to my healing and God's glory. In short, the author raises some very important issue, but oversells his point by suggesting that being a "self-taught spiritual coach" is a negative thing. I dare say if formal training was necessary for working through deep issues, very few people indeed would ever have their spiritual needs met.
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