Three things that can neutralize our strengths

A key non-negotiable in good leadership is that we understand who we are and how we are wired. There are numerous tests and evaluative tools to help us discern these and therefore understand ourselves better. These by themselves, though, are not enough. They are a starting point but not an end point. In fact, if all we do is understand our strengths we may ultimately fail in leadership.

In addition to knowing our strengths there are three additional pieces that are crucial in order to use this information in leading well.

First, just as we need to understand our strengths we must focus on who we are not! Most of us have one to three strong areas of strength, or you could argue the top five strengths in Strength Finders. That information by itself is inadequate. We must also be brutally honest with ourselves as to our weaknesses. 

Why? Because while we may be brilliant at a few things, in everything else we need other people who  have strengths where we don't and who can compensate for our weaknesses. Too many leaders think that they can lead alone. It isn't true and will generally fail! And the more complex the organization we lead the more critical it is that we have a team around us. 

Once we acknowledge our weaknesses which are legion compared to our few strengths, we must also acknowledge our need for other people. This only happens when we are honest with ourselves regarding our weaknesses. 

Second, we must understand our shadow side with the greatest clarity possible through the feedback of others. I am convinced that we spend far too much time exploring our strengths and far too little time exploring the shadow side of those strengths. While we love our strengths, every one of them comes with a shadow side that can undo our leadership if we do not manage it. 

Here we also need other people. We are often blind to our shadow side, but our staff and colleagues are not. Unless we allow them permission to share honestly with us and unless we ask we will generally not learn what we need to learn about ourselves. For many leaders their shadow side is as powerful as their strengths effectively neutralizing those strengths over time. To lead well, we must understand our shadow side as well as we do our strengths. 

Third, we must learn how to manage our shadow side. We need to take active steps to counter that shadow side so that it does not hurt our leadership by hurting people. For instance, in the parlance of Strength Finders I have achiever, maximizer, and strategic in my top five strengths. They have served me well. But, until I understood and actively managed the shadow side of these strengths I was accused of running over people, impatience, valuing the project over the person, pride and I am sure other negative criticisms, all real!

Pride comes from paying too much attention to our strengths. Humility comes from appreciating our strengths but also recognizing our huge need for others, the presence of a shadow side and the need to manage it. When we see our strengths in perspective we have much to be humble about.

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Ensuring that our greatest strengths do not become fuel for our greatest weakness

We rightly celebrate our strengths as they are God given and when we live in their lane we are often very effective at what we do. I call it "our lane" or "sweet spot." However, these very strengths can become our greatest weaknesses if not managed well. Every strength casts a shadow and the greater the strength the greater the shadow. 

So the very strengths we were given from God can become a weakness if not managed. Take three of mine: Achiever, maximizer and strategist. As an achiever I want to get something done but the down side is that it could cause me to be driven. As a maximizer I want to maximize ministry opportunity but the down side is that I could "use people" in the process with more concern about the end product than than the people in the process. As a strategist I often understand how to get to where we need to go and can become impatient with those who don't. In other words, each of my strengths can, if not managed become a significant weakness that impacts those around me.

I find it immensely helpful for a team to discuss their strengths together so that they understand one another. It is equally helpful to then ask the question, what is the dark side of those strengths and how do they get us in trouble if not managed well? That is the discussion where I see most light bulbs go on because we don't often think about the dark side of our strengths.

When not managed, the very strengths that go us to where we are in life can conspire against us to destroy what we have accomplished. Pride fueled by a lack of management of our weaknesses will destroy quickly what it took long years to build. When leaders crash and burn it is often this situation that causes the loss. Success is a delicate thing easily undercut by pride and carelessness that can quickly lead to a fall.

Controlling our reactions, thinking grey and quiet resolve

Do you have anyone who really pushes your buttons? Someone who you don't really understand and who manages to irritate you mightily at times?

It is a common situation. It is also common to respond by being "reactive," that is, with emotion, either to them, often to others and to make assumptions about their intentions and motives. It is also easy to shoot off emails that we might want to take back when we find out that our assumptions were not accurate.

Some people will actually seek to cause reaction on your part by their actions.

While all of us are "reactive" from time to time, generally it is not a good sign of emotional intelligence and we should learn how to not react, not allow our blood pressure to go up and not to become angry because when we do we usually respond in ways that are not helpful or healthy.

When I hear about someones actions or words or attitudes that might have caused me to react in years past, my goal now is to "think grey." Thinking grey is listening to the information, soliciting other information without drawing any conclusions as to whether the conclusion others may be drawing is accurate. This is actually one of the secrets of good leaders. They do listen, they do want to know and if something sounds problematic they do want to find out the truth. But in the process, they think grey and refuse to draw hard and fast conclusions until they have enough context and information.

It is a wise thing to do. Sometimes the information is not accurate. Sometimes the information is accurate but the conclusions those around you have drawn are not accurate. Often, motives are misjudged as bad when they are not. The behavior may have been problematic and harmful but rarely are the motives truly destructive. As someone has wisely put it, "Never attribute to poor motives what can easily be attributed to stupidity."

Thinking grey does not mean that we intend to ignore the issue or not confront the individual. It means that we will do so when our information is such that it is reasonable and when circumstances are right.

This brings me to another trait of great leaders. They have quiet resolve. Rarely will they react with anger and often they will think grey. But once they are aware of a problem they display a quiet resolve to deal with it, even if it is an uncomfortable situation to deal with.

I often tell those around me, "do not underestimate my resolve." Anyone who does is in for a surprise because I am committed to a healthy work environment, committed to the guiding principles and core commitments and practices and culture of our organization. Waiting for clarity, or for the right time to address problematic situations or people is not weakness. It is simply wisdom - and quiet resolve.

One other thought. With passive aggressive individuals who cause problems to you or the organization it is often not wise to immediately confront them. They will deny the allegation and play to what you want to hear (passive behavior) while behind your back they display contempt or attempt to undermine you. They will also play the victim to others when confronted. Holding passive aggressive individuals accountable is like trying to get your arms around smoke.

Again, quiet resolve comes into play. You don't ignore but you do wait because passive aggressive people will usually hang themselves if you give them enough rope. You wait and eventually they will do something public enough and egregious enough that those around them see them for what they are and you have the support you need to confront, hold them accountable and be so defining of what behavior is and is not acceptable that they will either conform or leave or you have the ammunition to take action should it happen again.

The ironic thing is that passive aggressive individuals often think they have the upper hand when dealing with leaders with good EQ. The truth is that those leaders are simply waiting for them to show their true stripes at which time they will take decisive action.

Good Emotional Intelligence and wisdom will almost always win out over poor Emotional Intelligence and stupidity. Control your reactions, think grey and commit to a quiet resolve.

For more reading on Emotional Intelligence see Emotional Intelligence Revisited

The temptation of leaders

It is a potential sin of all who lead and it is fed by success, knowledge and the power inherent in leadership. It is arrogance: hubris or pride – an inflated view of our own self importance.

As a reader of history I have run across any number of individuals who suffered from this deficiency. George Patton wrote this in his diary in the Second World War: “When I think of the greatness of my job and realize that I am what I am, I am amazed, but on reflection, who is as good as I am? I know of no one!” And then there was Winston Churchill who said that history would be kind to him because he would write it.

God has a lot to say about arrogance including this nugget in 1 Samuel 15:22-23 regarding Saul:

“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.”

Why is arrogance so distasteful to God? Certainly because humility is what he looks for in leaders since humble leaders are teachable and able to follow while arrogant leaders do not have either ability. Arrogant individuals have an inflated view of their own importance and thus listen less, feel entitled to special treatment, demean those around them in attitude or words and essentially raise themselves by putting down others. If not checked, arrogance can become narcissism and that is where King Saul found himself.

How do we protect ourselves against arrogance? One of the ways I do so is to lead through team which does not limit my influence but it does my power as that power is an intentionally shared power.

In addition, being aware that privilege brings with it the temptation to inflate my own importance, I seek to keep a sense of who I am and my own vulnerabilities. The more I know the “full me” including my shadow side, the less likely I am to think I am any different from others (I am not). Arrogant individuals are able to overlook the areas of their lives that are problematic or excuse them away. When we do that we run the risk of losing our perspective on whom we really are.

Finally, the more we serve others the less likely we will be to develop arrogance. Serving others is the posture of a good leader and of Jesus. Service develops humility as we identify with our staff rather than see ourselves above them. Humility before God and men keeps us from the sin of arrogance.

Unhealthy avoidance techniques

There is a common methodology for avoiding accountability for our shadow side and that is to become a professional critic of others. All of us have encountered these folks at one time or another – or done the same thing ourselves. They are quick to criticize and distrust, are always questioning motives of others (without doing their homework to validate their distrust), love to become enmeshed with others who are also critics (nothing like another critic to verify our version of reality), love to take on the offenses of others (even when they don’t have the facts and it does not pertain to them) and live in a circle of other unhealthy, distrustful, critical individuals. And yes, there are plenty of these in the church and Christian organizations. They will twist motives, conversations or actions to match their view of reality.


What is really going on behind this behavior is often the justification of their own behavior so that in the critical assessment of others they do not need to do critical assessment of their own shadow side. It is frankly a convenient way to ignore personal issues by focusing on the issues of others. Because everyone has a shadow side, it is not hard to pick it out in others and professional critics will quickly tell other their faults but are unaware or unwilling to deal with their own shadow side. Often the glue that holds their friendships together is not a common mission but a common enemy – someone out there that they can focus their unhappiness, anger or personal unresolved issues on – and it is often a leader because they are visible.

Not only are these unhealthy individuals but they form pockets of unhealthy individuals since they find others who will validate their view of reality and can deeply hurt organizations through their closed circle of opinions and criticisms.

All of us have strengths and all of us have liabilities that come with those strengths. There are many ways of coping with our own shadow side. One is to face it and seek to deal with it – and it is a life-long practice. The other is to do what many do and mask it, ignore it, spiritualize it or focus on the shadow side of others rather than their own. People of deep influence never mask or ignore. They realize that they are people who have a lower nature and that the process of spiritual transformation is that of exegeting ourselves so that we bring all of our lives under the Lordship of Christ, especially the shadow side which represents more than anything else the residual of that lower nature.

Often, we resist pressing into our shadow side because we are ashamed that we even struggle with one. This is a misunderstanding of God’s work in our lives. Every one of us is a work in progress, every one of us lives with the liabilities of being human and therefore imperfect and limited in our understanding of ourselves and those around us. Paul understood this when he said in Philippians 3:16, “Let us live up to what we have already attained.” God does not expect perfection, simply obedience to where he has brought us at this point in our lives.

Furthermore, humble individuals are transparent about their strengths and weakness, their areas of struggle and their liabilities. Those who pretend they have it all together fool themselves but not those around them. Our influence is not gained by pretending to be something we are not but by transparency in our walk with God and the issues we face in our lives. People of deep influence don’t hide who they are or the struggles they have. In fact, it is precisely because they are honest about their own struggles that we can identify with them and it is their commitment to live with authenticity that draws us to them.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Managing our strengths and liabilities

Because many individuals have not understood that their greatest assets (strengths) can also be their greatest liabilities, they simply don’t pay the kind of attention to the downside of their strengths that they need to if they are truly going to have significant influence. However, people of deep influence are acutely aware of both their strengths and the liabilities of those strengths. And they pay as much or more attention to the liabilities as they do to the strength.


Think about this: our strengths are just that – strengths. Over time, if we are living in our sweet spot they grow and develop without a whole lot of attention from us. God wired us with those strengths so they are natural. I have the ability and strength to think strategically. I can envision what can be in five or ten years without even thinking about it. What is hard or impossible for others is easy and second nature for me in thinking strategically.

The liabilities that comes with that particular gift, however are not as obvious to me: impatience with those who don’t see what I can see, the potential that others may see my confidence about what direction to take as arrogance.

I will never forget a meeting I had years ago with a bright young woman who reported to me. She came into my office to share an idea with me that she thought had great potential. About two minutes into our conversation her eyes flashed with anger and she said, “Don’t ever look that way at me again?” I said, “What do you mean? What way?” She said, “I can tell from your eyes that you have already dismissed my idea as one that won’t work!” She was right, my eyes had given it away and in the process my strategic strength (in this case I was sure it would not work) had become my liability by sending her a message of disempowerment. It was a learning moment that I had to apologize for and learn from.

Our strengths come naturally. The liabilities to our strengths are not obvious to us unless we spend significant time understanding the liabilities and the ways our strengths can hurt us and others if the liabilities are not managed.

Further, people of deep influence do not become that by focusing on the deficits of others but on their own deficits primarily. They are deeply aware of who they are, they think deeply about their own motivations and how they treat others. They have developed an inner early warning system that warns them when they are going to the shadow side and they discipline themselves to manage their liabilities. They understand the council of Christ that we are first responsible for taking the log out of our own eye before we try to take the splinter out of someone else’s eye.

Every one of us has areas in our lives where we are blind to how our actions impact others. A large part of managing our shadow side is understanding not only how we perceive ourselves but how other perceive us and why they perceive us the way they do. However, because we are dealing with “blind spots” the only way we can get to this awareness is by receiving feedback from others. And that requires self confidence, humility and a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude. This is why many young leaders resist such feedback, it is threatening and uncomfortable. I know, I have been there!

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned over the years is to welcome and not resist feedback – particularly from those who I know love me and have my best interests in mind. My wife, Mary Ann is one of those who will always tell me the truth and I know she does it out of love and concern. I have a trusted group of colleagues and friends who have the same right to speak into my life and whose council I trust. I would rather know than not know where I have blind spots or am being misperceived because of actions or words than live like the emperor who had no clothes, oblivious to his nakedness. The key, of course, is knowing who one can trust to have one’s best interests in mind. Another one of those groups is my prayer team who regularly share with me feedback that they have as they have interceded on my behalf.

I have also learned to ask feedback from those I trust rather than just hope it will come. I know, for instance, that I can be perceived as distant by some. It is not how I feel but it can be how I am perceived. I would not know that unless I had received feedback that helped me see what I could not see. Knowing that such a perception is possible, I can work to find ways to connect with those who otherwise might see me as distant.

I have learned that the more candid I am about who I am and the struggles I face, the more approachable I become. This has led me to be far more self disclosing with those around me than I was as a young leader when I thought that such self disclosure could be seen as weakness. It also comes out of a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude by which I seek to live today. While I may not be wired like some who are deeply relational, the connection that comes through authentic self disclosure is a powerful connection and invites relationship with others.

My point is that the more we learn about ourselves both from our own awareness and from those around us who care about us, the better we become at playing to our strengths and minimizing our liabilities. There are many things I wish I knew years ago but did not. I am simply thankful that I know them now. And, I want to continue in my quest for healthy self awareness for the sake of the influence that I can and want to have in the future.

Controlling conversations

Whenever a conversation starts to feel uncomfortable and one that seems to be deliberately putting you in a corner rather than allowing for freedom of dialogue, pay attention! Conversations that don't feel good or safe probably are not. 

This is not about conversations where two parties might disagree with one another. That is normal. This is about conversations that feel designed to control you, force you to a specific conclusion or force you to agree to something that you don't feel comfortable agreeing to.

Feeling uncomfortable in a conversation is often a sign that you are in an unhealthy conversation that will not end well if it continues. More about that in a moment.

Some people are masters at manipulating others. Most of us are not but the warning signal to us is a feeling of discomfort. That manipulation can come in the form of vigorous debate designed to get you to agree. It may come in the form of veiled or not so veiled threats if they are in a position of authority. It can come in the form of anger which one wants to dissuade, often by agreement. It may come in the form of "facts" that are not facts at all but broad generalizations that sound true but leave a question in your mind. I recently spoke with an individual regarding some issues of disagreement and he kept saying, "T.J. you know...." He was using gratuitous language to flatter me into agreeing with him.

Manipulation is just that. And its sign is discomfort or a feeling that this is not a two sided conversation but a one sided conversation. Manipulation is trying to force other to agree with us. It reflects dis-health in the one using it and we should be aware when it happens.

How can I respond if I am feeling manipulated or controlled in a conversation. Here are some suggestions:

• "It feels to me that you want me to agree with you and frankly I don't."
• "I think it would be helpful to have a third party in on this conversation because I am feeling pushed to agree with you."
• "Is this a two way dialogue or must I agree with your point of view?"
• "While I respect your opinion, you need to know that I don't agree with you but it feels that I must if we are going to keep a relationship."
• "I am feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going and I would like to put it off for another time."

With any of these comments you are gently but honestly calling the other party on their behavior and your discomfort. They are not used to people confronting them and will usually back off. Whatever you do, don't be manipulated by manipulators.

The dangers of arrogance in leadership

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions (Webster). 

Arrogance is one of the potential pitfalls of leadership, especially for highly gifted leaders whose drive and ambition combined with a high degree of self importance and a lack of accountability fuel an ever heightened sense of imperious assurance. 

What are the signs of leadership arrogance? 

Self importance. Arrogance is, after all, all about self. These are leaders who truly believe that they are somehow different from normal human beings. They often speak about what they are doing in extravagant ways and rarely ask about what others are doing. Their focus in on themselves, their ministry and their contribution to the kingdom. The common theme is that it is about them.

Imperious assurance. This is a grossly over confident attitude that what they are doing is right, that it will always work and is often combined with extravagant claims. Any time you hear someone say that what they are doing is going to change the world or the church or something forever, beware. It is often simply the extravagant assurance of an imperious and arrogant mind.

Superiority. This is the natural outcome of arrogance. The belief that one is superior to others and that the decisions they make are better decisions than what others could make. This often plays out in marginalizing other good people because they are by nature not as good or bright or strategic as themselves. The way to elevate oneself is almost always to de-elevate others in some way.

Unaccountability. Arrogant leaders will never admit that they are unaccountable but what they often do is to simply ignore those who  disagree with them (even if it is their board or close colleagues) and do what they are intent on doing. Because the rules do not apply to them and because they are so confident that they are right they simply forge ahead with their agenda regardless of the voices that try to speak into their lives or plans. 

If someone becomes an obstacle to them or strongly disagrees with them they are often marginalized and shunted aside. Arrogant leaders listen to those who fuel their self importance and discount those who don't. Often, those who were once close are discarded once they take the risk of disagreeing with them.

A force of nature. A force of nature is an apt description for highly arrogant leaders. They simply go where they want to go and do what they want to do regardless of who or what is in their path. In many cases, people intentionally get out of the way because being in their way is dangerous. Often boards or colleagues are unwilling to go up against them because the push back is so severe and the ability of arrogant leaders to sell their case and negotiate their way to what they want is exhausting. 

This is nothing other than raw intimidation to get their way. They know it but they also know that they can do it and that others will often scatter. Arrogant leaders are often highly skilled in manipulating those around them to get their way. That manipulation may be flattery, intimidation, anger, marginalization, negotiation, or just stubborn wills that refuse to be bent. What it amounts to is that they intend to get their way no matter what.

Risk and adrenalin. Massive arrogance causes unhealthy leaders to take risks that healthy leaders would never take. They posture the risk as game changing moves that will yield some amazing result. Often, it is risk and the adrenalin of running at warp speed, fueled by situations that must be solved (by them of course) that feeds their ego and need for stimulation. 

This is particularly dangerous in a ministry setting because it puts the entire ministry at risk if decisions are made that compromise it, and arrogant leaders are prone to take risks that others would not. Those risks are usually more for the fulfillment of their own ambitions than for the sake of the ministry they lead. They feed on crisis and complex situations that only they can solve.

It is not unusual for other leaders to not even know of some of the risks that the ministry has been subject to because in their unaccountably many arrogant leaders don't feel a need to disclose everything. They tend to disclose what they want people to know and keep close to their vest what they don't want to be known.

It should be obvious that these characteristics of arrogance are not only signs of dysfunctionality (think narcissistic personality disorder) but dangerous to the ministry they lead. In many cases, these leaders eventually crash themselves and the ministry they are leading. Often they move on and never acknowledge the damage they have done. In fact, their take is that whatever happened is someone else's fault. It is how they are wired because life is about them.

Whatever you do, if you see these characteristics, don't ignore them.

Understanding what truly motivates us in ministry

For those of us who lead others in ministry, understanding what motivates us and drives us is a complicated but important question. There are many possible answers to even ministry motivation. They can include joining God in His work, our own ego, recognition, the applause of others, fulfilling someone else's motivations, personal ambition, or just wanting to be successful. On any given day or period in our lives, the answer could be different. 

Every leader is building something. That is the nature of leadership. Who we are building for is a far trickier question. Here is the issue that should give us pause. The pull of our lower nature is strong and when we are not highly sensitive both to the call of God on our lives and are not intentionally staying in close fellowship with Him, our inner motivations gravitate toward us and our own fulfillment rather than keeping Him and His call preeminent in our leadership. In other words, it is very easy for us to be meeting our own needs in our Spiritual leadership rather than leading on His behalf. It is a subtle but massive shift in motivation.

Why does it matter? Because we lead people toward the individual we lead for. If we are truly motivated by God's call and mission we will lead people on behalf of and toward Him! If we are actually motivated by our own ambition and a personal mission we will lead people on behalf of and toward us. Thus the motivations of our hearts have very real consequences for those who we lead. It is a subtle but it is real!

How do we know what really motivates us? It takes a great deal of introspection, thought, personal evaluation and being aware of our own drives and needs as they intersect with God's call on our lives. Ultimately the closer we stay to Jesus, the more sensitive we will be to Him. When we become distracted from Jesus (even by ministry) we become less sensitive to His call and are easily diverted by our own "shadow mission." It is possible to start our leadership with high sensitivity to leading on His behalf but over time to allow it to become about us rather than Him. 

Never take your motivations for granted. We are all building something and motivated by something. Knowing who we are actually building for and whose motivations we are fulfilling is vitally important. We don't want to get to the end and realize we were chasing the wrong thing. Our hearts are deceitful and we are easily deceived unless we are constantly being transformed by Jesus.