Key lessons I have learned about leadership along the way

 

Learning to lead well is learned the hard way over time. I took time recently to consider what I know today that I needed to understand better as a young leader. It is a long list that simply says how little I knew about good leadership as a young leader. The raw stuff was there, but there was and is much to learn. If you fit that young leader category, these may be things to consider.

• Many issues are not as urgent as I think they are. Relax, and don't equate all issues to having the same urgency. 

• Flexibility is critical for good leadership. Most of life is not black and white; compromise is essential to getting things done. 

• Necessary or desired changes do not need to take place immediately. As a leader, I can only move as fast as those I lead can follow. I need to be patient and sensitive in leading through change.

• I don't need to take differences personally. It is about the mission, not about me. Pushback and disagreements are healthy if we can come to healthy solutions.

• The key to everything is relationships. It pays to develop relationships even with those who disagree with me. Mutual respect and understanding come through relationships.

• Anxiety is wasted energy. Don't worry about things that one cannot control. The worst is unlikely to happen anyway.

• I can be wrong, and it does not hurt my leadership. Develop a "nothing to prove and nothing to lose attitude," and one gains freedom.

• Just be me. I cannot lead like anyone else. God made me who He made me; I need to lead from who He created me to be. Learn to be comfortable in one's own skin.

• Don't die on anthills! It is painful and unnecessary. There are some hills to die on, but only a few. Be wary of which one you take your stand on.

• Don't judge motives. We usually don't know what they are, and almost always, when we attribute poor motives to others, we are wrong.

• Relationships are everything. Influence comes through relationships, so press into those hard with those one needs to work with, even if they seem to be detractors. 

• I should never measure myself against others. That is a false measurement. I should measure my progress and whether I am better today than yesterday. 

• My own inner life must take precedence over all other things. The healthier I am emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, the better my leadership. The inner life always comes first.

• I don't need to change the world - and I cannot. What God does want me to do is influence my small corner of the world.

• God is sovereign. When I carry around great anxiety and worry, I try to do His job. I can relax knowing that He is always ultimately in control.

• Not all things get fixed on this side of heaven. God is always sovereign, but He does not force people, and there are situations and people issues that I will not be able to fix.

• Humility is at the core of all good leadership. Arrogance and thinking more of myself than I should get me into trouble. We all overestimate our gifts and importance and underestimate our faults and shadow side.

• Emotional intelligence matters a lot. The more I grow my EQ, my relationships, leadership, and personal health improve.

• God died for the Bride and not the brand. God wants me to focus on His kingdom, not my evangelical brand. I should appreciate all of his players and not just a few.

• I don't need to compete but to be faithful. I am not in competition with others but instead called to be faithful to what He wants me to do. 

• It is OK that not everyone likes me. In fact, if everyone likes me, I am probably not leading well. Popularity is not the end goal of leadership.

• I am only good at a few things. It is how God created me (Ephesians 2:10) and is why I need others around me. Their gifts make up for my many deficits.

• I can never give enough credit away. As a leader, I give credit to the team and take responsibility for the failures. It is what leaders do.

• God can guard my reputation. This means I don't need to - even when people are obnoxious or hurtful.

• If I am threatened by others, that is my problem, not theirs. The question is, "Why do they threaten me, and what does that say about my inner health?" To the extent that I lack personal security, I must press into those EQ issues.

• Perceived failures are usually just growth opportunities. What we define as a failure, God is simply using to grow us into who He wants us to be.

• God can superintend my ministry path. He knows where I will be most valuable and influential. I don't need to seek success but be faithful to where He has called me.

• Position does not equal influence. I can have as much influence as He wants me to have from whatever position or platform God' gives.

• Success must be measured from His rather than the world's perspective. God does not measure success the way the world does. My job is to use the gifts and opportunities He puts in front of me for maximum Kingdom advantage. 

When Christians become the barrier to others hearing the Gospel

 

We live in the age of the "nones" and the "dones." The nones are those who claim no religious affiliation and the dones are those who are fed up and done with the church. Believers rightly decry the secularization of society and the shrinking church but they don't understand that they have directly contributed to both. 

In the early days of the church as recorded in Acts 4:32-35, we see a remarkable picture of healthy relationships among believers. "All the believers were of one heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they  had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put them at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need."

It was the quality of relationships among believers in the early church that attracted the attention of unbelievers. Today, it is the lack of quality in relationships among believers that repel people from the church. As such, believers have become one of the major barriers to people responding the the Gospel. 

This is nowhere more evident than in the public space of social media where as a group, those who call themselves believers display a lack of any Christian love or Fruit of the Spirit in their responses to others they disagree with. Many are despicable in their attitude and content, even demonizing those they disagree with. The interesting thing is that almost no one calls out the disparity between what we profess to believe and how we relate and act. 

In local congregations, it is often no different. After our recent Easter service in the church I serve, a parishioner sent in a comment to staff with profanity around a small issue they didn't like. I responded by telling him that I was very sorry that our staff needed to see his words and that they were not the words of Jesus. If you have been to those hallmarks of the American church, congregational meetings, you know how harsh, unkind and selfish many of the remarks are. And the thing is, all this vile stuff comes from the heart, according to Jesus.  What is inside us will inevitable come out of us. So it begs the question of how much of Jesus is in our hearts!

Why would an unbeliever want to join a group (evangelicals) that is often angry, lacks basic relational decency, is candidly selfish (what's in it for me), participates regularly in gossip, evaluates you by your politics and lacks the love that is supposed to characterize believers who have the Holy Spirit living within them? Many of the dones would say, "I love Jesus but I don't like a lot of Christians. They are mean and churches can be mean." No façade of welcome teams or "great worship" can hide the underlying meanness of many congregations.

As one who has worked with hundreds of church boards I can attest to the same kinds of behaviors at the board level, and these are people who represent Jesus as leaders of the church: Ouch! In many cases, if parishioners knew what happened within the confines of the board room, they too would become dones. 

If this sounds pessimistic, recent studies show that many in our country just don't like Christians. They don't find Christians to be kind and accepting but harsh, unkind and judgmental.  In other words, they don't see Christians as reflecting Jesus. We can be like kids throwing sand in one another's faces in the sandbox and then inviting the kids outside the sandbox to join us. Why would they do that?

All of this points to a failure of discipleship. How we treat one another matters a lot. When we violate not only basic standards of decency in our words and attitudes to say nothing of the much high level we are called to in displaying the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5), we push people away from Christ and we fail to see that our own lives are not reflective of the teaching of Scripture, the example of Christ and the needed transformation of our own minds. As a result, rather than attracting others to our loving family as in Acts 4, we give people every reason not to join our families because they are often not loving at all.

One of the most powerful evangelism strategies any church can enter into is that of developing a church and relational culture that looks like Jesus and reflects His character. Is that easy? No. Culture change is always difficult. Can it be done? Yes, but it involves some hard teaching and a willingness to declare some behaviors illegal in the church because they are not pleasing to God. If we look like Jesus we will attract those who need His love and grace. If we look like something else we won't.

For each of us, it starts with us. Let's evaluate our own relational interactions. Our own words and attitudes and compare them to what we see in Jesus in the Gospels. If we want others to see Jesus in us, we need to become like Jesus.

My fear is that a large segment of the evangelical world today have become Pharisees rather than disciples of Jesus. And the Pharisees didn't attract others but alienated them. Let's develop congregations where the goodness of God is evident. People will respond. 

Redefining Christian relationships in a cancel culture world

 

I have been mulling in recent months on the fragile nature of relationships among Christians. And the rise of the Cancel Culture has had its impact among believers as well. It is very easy for what one assumed was a long, fruitful and close relationship to be dissolved overnight and for that relationship to be cancelled, sometimes permanently.

Now, relational wreckage is not new. Paul and Barnabas parted company over John Mark with deep, raw emotion on both sides. Paul had to ask the church to help two woman friends of his reconcile. In the first case we know that reconciliation took place years later. We are not sure of what happened with the two women. Then there was the time when Paul publicly rebuked Peter which I am sure caused significant relational issues. And they were both Apostles. 

My conclusion is that even though we live with the Holy Spirit within us, seek to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit, are called to live in unity and peace with one another (to the extent that we can), are to forgive one another as God in Christ forgave us, that there are times when relationships end up in the ditch anyway this side of heaven. This is a tribute to our sinful and broken condition. There are also times when reconciliation takes place between brothers or sisters who have been deeply at odds and that is a tribute to the power of the Holy Spirit.  These two conditions, our sinful and broken condition are always at war with what the Holy Spirit wants to do in our lives. 

How odd it will be that in heaven, those who were our worst enemy in this life but who know Jesus, will be someone with whom we will have perfect harmony with. And yes, even like and love, without any hint of whatever it was that separated us here. In fact, in heaven we will not be able to despise or marginalize or cancel or live with any kind of animosity as our hearts, that have been redeemed fully here, will live out the implications of that redemption fully there. Just reading those words makes me want to try to start living out the implications on this side of heaven.

This latter fact makes me want to see my relationships not in light of my life here but in light of eternity. If the unity of the Spirit will be lived out throughout eternity is God's desired plan why would I not want to do all that I can to capture that unity in this life since Christ lives in me? The fact that I would rather carry my hurt, pain, unforgiveness or give up my prerogative to put others down or slander their character are of course not good excuses to God. He calls that sin - and sometimes we love it. Yet, we know that one day we will regret it.

So where does all this leave me? That which consumed my journal on this past Easter morning. It leaves me with these commitments that I will imperfectly live out but which I aspire to. In my relationships with other believers,

• My goal is to understand and seek peace

• To refrain from judging when it is not necessary or productive

• To think the best rather than the worst

• To forgive freely even when I am hurt

• To ask forgiveness when I have hurt others

• To pray God's blessing on those I would rather cancel

• To ask God to change me before I ask Him to change others

• To be as gentle, patient and kind with those who irritate me as God is with me

• To seek to apply the Fruit of the Spirit with those who I don't like as well as those I do like

• To think about my relationships in light of eternity

• To give up my "rights" to my attitudes, judgements, harsh words, gossip, hard feelings and desires for retribution in pace of the attitudes of Jesus

All of these are countercultural because they reflect Jesus. The harder it is the more I must acknowledge my own brokenness. But one thing I do have to do is grapple. Jesus does want me to act on earth as I will in heaven. In fact, I believe we pray that every time we pray the Lord's prayer. So the answer to my Easter musings are not easy answers which I guess is why Jesus implanted His Holy Spirit in each of us. God help us to do better.

Relational EQ is one of the most important skills for believers to excel in

The Christian life is one of becoming more like Jesus and in this arena perhaps one of the most important skills is that of relating to other people. When you think of the numerous interactions of Christ in the Gospels one is struck by His ability to draw people in, relate to their needs, speak to their issues and connect with both the poor and the rich. This skill was directly linked to His ability to draw people to Himself and then to the Father. 

We all have imperfect relational EQ. I have individuals that I am estranged from even though that causes me great sadness. The issues of life often can disrupt relationships and of course it takes two parties to solve disruptions. But all of us can focus on growing our ability to relate well to others which is critical if we want to influence them for Jesus. Since we may be the only version of Jesus they know, what do they think of Him when they relate to those who follow Him?

This is where the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives really shows up as each element has a direct relational component: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. People are drawn to those characteristics which is why they were drawn to Jesus. Add to this qualities such as respect, truth telling, being non-judgmental, and full of grace and mercy and you have the wonderful combination of grace and truth that characterized Jesus. 

None of this means that we cannot say hard things when necessary but how we say them and why we say them is an important piece of the equation. Truth be told, some of the harder things we say to others often does not come from a righteous place in our hearts. 

While there are great books on Relational EQ, Scripture itself is full of teaching on the subject. For a believer it is a great place to start. To the extent that people do not see Jesus in us and in how we relate to them, they are unlikely to listen to what we might have to say about Him.

Perhaps the most discouraging for me are the many Christian leaders who do not treat their staff with dignity and respect and create cultures of fear and intimidation. These are people who claim to tell others about what it means to be transformed but their own treatment of people is harsh and unkind. As an organizational consultant many of the situations I encounter are dysfunctional staff cultures because of a leader at the top who does not model Godly relationships. When there is staff dysfunction it almost always starts at the top.

Just as I published this, the following video showed up on Facebook. Now ask yourself - was this a Jesus moment?

https://www.facebook.com/redwine72/videos/2487464221514422/

Here is our challenge. As we read Scripture we ought to be constantly aware of God's relational principles that we find there. As we read the Gospels we get a good idea of how God actually puts those relational principles into practice. The better our relational EQ the more like Jesus we become especially as we allow the Holy Spirit to help us grow in these areas. 

Powerful relationships

We all have relationships. For most of us, however, they are relatively shallow and we long for something deeper: someone with whom we can reveal our true selves and the struggles we wrestle with. Friends who knows us fully and yet accepts us totally. That is a powerful relationship.

I am blessed with a few powerful relationships. Other men who know me, love me, accept me, challenge me and want the best for me. I have a handful of these but they are enough. I am thankful for each of them and tell them of my appreciation regularly. 

Why are these relationships so powerful? Because in each case there is a mutual commitment to honesty and wanting the best for one another. There is grace and love extended both ways. There is a desire by each to be there for the other and encouragement is a regular part of the relationship. We may or may not talk often but when we do it is a life giving conversation that leaves both of us uplifted, hopeful and accepted. Even if the rest of the world were to abandon me, I know that these will not, no I them.

The key to powerful relationships is that grace and understanding is always present - even when we are challenged or are challenging another. Judgmental attitudes kill openness while attitudes of grace invite it and make it a safe place to open our hearts and lives. I suspect that it is the absence of grace among so many that makes these relationships so rare - and special.  

Powerful relationships are safe places, one of the most sacred gifts that we can give and receive. They are sacred because it is like Christ who loves us unconditionally. They are sacred because it is rare. They are sacred because these are people who will never abandon or betray us.

Who are you a safe place for? What are the powerful relationships that define your life and allow you to give others a like gift? Never take them for granted. Nurture these friendships. Allow a few powerful relationships to enrich your life and you enrich the lives of others.

Trump, Clinton, truth, Jesus and grace

One cannot read any social media these days without being inundated by information on the upcoming election, the demonization of one candidate or the other, charges, counter charges and some pretty hot feelings about what a Christian should do in the upcoming election.

There are Christ followers who believe they cannot vote for either candidate. There are others who insist that you cannot be an evangelical and vote for Trump. And there are those who say you cannot be a true evangelical and vote for Clinton. Enter theologians with PhD's who have proven to us their case (on both sides). They in turn have been vilified for taking the wrong side in this interesting election, which ever side they have taken.

A few observations.

Neither side respects women. Trump may lack tact and may well be guilty of what he has been painted as (per his own words). On the other hand if the unborn are truly human (and I believe they are) Clinton is certainly not respecting the right of those "girls" or "boys" to live. Both sides have lied significantly and both deny the obvious. Politics today is dirty - and any reading of American history even back to our founding father's shows that this is nothing new. Further, much of our politics is driven by our own fears - whatever they are: immigration; supreme court choices; character of our elected leaders (they have rarely if ever been saints); the economy; and whatever else our fears are. All of this has polarized the nation and Christ followers as well - sadly. My final observation is that Jesus does not carry a card of the independent party, the Republicans or the Democrats. He is above our party squabbles and He has His own concerns that are not directly mirrored by any political party.

Paul made a significant statement when he wrote that we see through a glass darkly. I certainly do on many issues. I think each of you do as well. Our truth on issues not clearly delineated in Scriptures is always partial truth. It is why on even theology, God fearing individuals can have differing interpretations. Convictions are great and I respect them. But in the political arena there is a lot of grey given the observations above. I can share my convictions and the reasons for them with others but I cannot expect all to agree with me if we see through a glass darkly.

Members of my own extended family most of whom love and follow Jesus will vote on different sides of this election for valid reasons. It would be wrong for me to judge their choice if they are doing so out of their own conscience. It is equally wrong for us to allow politics to divide us in the church. There are valid reasons to vote for both candidates even from the perspective of a Christ follower. And there are reasons for those who choose not to vote for any candidate in this election. Civic duty notwithstanding.

This is not the first election - and will not be the last where people believe that the fate of the nation is at stake. We hear that every four years. And the gospel is not dependent on who gets in the supreme court. Besides, if you notice, those who do get in often don't vote the way the president who chose them thought they would. And last I heard, Jesus stands above nations and rulers and accomplishes His will since He is sovereign and is bringing history to His intended conclusion. Daniel in the Old Testament fully understood that as he represented one of the most pagan kings of the ancient world.

So my commitment is to pray for the nation, for the candidates (and God is quite capable of using either one for his purposes) and to give others grace in their convictions knowing that I see things through a glass darkly and will until the vision is fully cleared in the presence of the God of complete truth and righteousness. Jesus expects grace from His people toward one another and toward those who don't follow Him. When we lack grace we are not representing Him no matter which candidate we intend to vote for (or none at all). Grace matters!

Accepting the reality that relationships change

What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us wind up in parentheses.
John Irving

What Irving is alluding to is that relationships and friendships can change over time and even recede into the past, leaving us feeling sad, disillusioned or even angry. What we need to remember is that relationships can last for a moment, a season or a lifetime. It is the nature of friendships and our lives.

Friendships or relationships that last a moment are those that come and go relatively quickly, often forged in a time of crisis or need where someone comes alongside us or we them. The patient in the hospital for cancer treatment bonds with another fellow pilgrim. The office mate who is helping us on a project forges a relationship but it is for a specific project and purpose.

Seasons of friendship are longer. When I pastored I forged some strong friendships but they were primarily for that season of life. I moved, another pastor came and although I stay connected to a few on Facebook the friendship, genuine as it was is not the same. Likewise, in my thirty years in the last organization I served I had many seasons of friendship with people I served alongside. But again, except for a few, the relationship changed, as is natural, when I left.

Those of us who are very lucky have friendships that last a lifetime. I call them "friends for life" and they transcend circumstances, location and even differences of opinion or life stage. We treasure these friendships the most because they reflect a long investment in one another's lives.

We often grieve when friendships die or move on. That is the nature of relationships but it does not take away from what we had or how our lives were changed in the time or season that our lives intersected. Most friendships will be a parenthesis in our lives but that does not mean they are not important parentheses. As relationships change we should remember the ways in which that relationship helped us during a period of our lives.

Who we are has been impacted by every healthy relationship we have had over the years whether for a time, season or lifetime. We are changed by our interaction by others and we in turn have had an influence on them. Some relationships do not weather stormy events of life and that is OK. It does not diminish the mutual impact that relationship had on us. In some way we were enriched and enriched others. And ultimately we must hold all relationships with an open hand. We change, times change and relationships change.  It is the nature of life.

Too often when a relationship ends we feel diminished or abandoned. We should not. We are no less whole than when the relationship was vibrant. We are simply in a different time or season. It played the role it needed to play and we are now free to pursue other relationships for this season in life. New beginnings come out of endings. In those transitions it is tempting to hurt others in our own hurt but we ought not burn bridges. It is not necessary and it diminishes what once was.

I keep a mental checklist of friendships that once were and how they impacted my own life. I am grateful even when I sometimes experience sadness that what once was is now over. Mostly I am thankful for how others impacted my life and enriched me if even for a time or a season.

Learning to disagree and remain relationally connected

Being able to disagree with another individual and remain relationally connected is a unique skill that gives one greater influence. Too often, we allow different opinions to separate us from others, which limits our influence and creates unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, when two people disagree and allow their differing opinions to create division, others often line up behind one or the other, and the result is a division of many rather than of two. Thus, learning to disagree and remain relationally connected is even more critical if we desire to be people of peace.

Fundamental to this skill is the ability to separate our opinions, however strong, from relationships. Ideas and convictions are things that define us as us. They allow us to be self-defined people rather than defined by others. Self-defined individuals understand who they are, what they think, and what their convictions and values are. However, just as they do not allow others to define them, they do not insist that others also agree with them. They know who they are and allow others to be self-defined as well. 

For many, agreement on issues is the basis of a relationship. But this is a fragile basis for any friendship or working relationship. First, because there will come a time when there is a major disagreement that will compromise the relationship. Second, it does not allow both parties to be self-defined. Usually, it is the dominant individual who will define the relationship with weaker individuals simply agreeing. Third, this kind of relationship fundamentally ignores the healthy boundaries of self-definition that allow individuals to be who they are rather than to be what someone else is. Finally, it does not respect the opinions of others but requires them to agree with us. In this respect, there is not the humility to allow others their own convictions.

Collegial relationships should be based on mutual respect, common interests or goals, and the conviction that we need one another to achieve the best outcomes. It should not be based on the need to agree with one another all the time. If I can separate my convictions from the ability to remain relationally connected, I can retain the ability to stay connected, have influence, and keep others from taking sides and dividing the group. 

In my own consulting, I make it a high priority to stay connected to those who might disagree with my recommendations. I want to unite others rather than divide them. And I want to remain connected whenever possible.

Can we disagree with one another and still speak kindly to one another?

It bemuses me when Christians in the name of Jesus disagree with one another in highly  disagreeable ways. It is as if disagreements give license to speak to one another in the name of Jesus without the love and grace of Jesus. It is our "truth" without God's "grace." When our truth cannot be spoken in grace it should not be spoken at all. It is not a Jesus truth when communicated in ways that Jesus would not have communicated. 

When we are angry we ought to filter our response through the Fruit of the Spirit. If our response does not meet that grid we are better off waiting until it does. If our words and attitudes do not match the truth we espouse we negate the spirit of Jesus in whose name we purport to speak. Too much conflict and disagreement in Christian circles does not live up to the spirit of Jesus or for that matter the Holy Spirit who lives within us.

In the prophets it says that the Servant, (Jesus) would not break the bruised reed. Think of how easy it is to break a reed, let alone a bruised one. Yet, Jesus is so gracious that even when he needs to get our attention He does it with amazing love and gentleness. Yet we find it easy to wield a sledgehammer in His name. I suspect it makes Him deeply sad when we do.

I discount opinions and words spoken in Jesus' name without Jesus' love. Why should I trust such words when their delivery violates everything Jesus taught and modeled? And I am deeply sorry when I do the same. The older I get the more I understand that truth without the spirit of grace is hard and so unlike Jesus. I like you am susceptible to violating His loving spirit but I am determined to see alignment between the truth I share and the spirit in which I share it. 

If we disagree with one another - and we will! Let's do it in a spirit that looks like Jesus. It would change the equation in many relationships and conflicts.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Christian crusaders

Christian crusaders are not hard to find. They populate the internet with all kinds of dubious information, find a home in our churches and are the prophets that will keep the "true faith" and bring equally zealous people around them to fight the righteous fight. What is interesting about these crusaders who fight for truth is that they almost always lack grace. And when asked about that they justify their behaviors by quoting Jesus words to the Pharisees. In other words they are like Jesus and those they crusade against are Pharisees.

Which is really interesting because those they usually fight against are fellow believers and often church leaders. I have learned that engaging such crusaders is usually not very productive as they are highly inflexible and unteachable. Here are some of the signs of Christian Crusaders.

First, they are usually incredibly harsh with their vocabulary using words like sin, evil, heresy, need for repentance, God's judgement, arrogance, narcissism, and the list could go on. And, their communications are also full of Scriptural references to prove their case. In fact, the more people quote scripture in such communications the more concerned I am as those Scriptures are usually used as a hammer of "righteousness" against perceived "unrighteousness."

Second, Christian crusaders become deeply enmeshed with other crusaders against a common "cause" or "enemy" and these enmeshed relationships fuel their sense of righteousness - as there is no one who challenges the party line - and there is no glue for dysfunctional individuals like the fuel of an evil enemy. If one speaks out against the behaviors or challenges the party line they often become one of the unrighteous.

Third, Christian crusaders are usually highly inflexible. This is why conversations about the veracity of their claims and beliefs rarely have any impact. To compromise on any point is for them to compromise truth rather than to realize that the real issue may simply be that they disagree with the views of those they have demonized. I will rarely waste my time trying to convince those who will never be convinced.

Fourth, Christian crusaders take second and third hand information that is "helpful to them" and use it without regard to whether it is actually accurate. Sine it fits their skewed view of the universe it must be true. Fact verification is not high on their agenda.

Then, they view all events with those being demonized through their skewed view of reality. I have seen simple, straightforward statements interpreted in a malicious way when any reasonable individual would take the statement at face value. The lens through which crusaders see their opponents is so skewed that they cannot see any intentions as deviating from their interpretation.

Finally, crusaders don't let go. It is, after all a crusade, and until they win, there is no let up. And those caught in their sights cannot do much about it except leave it to God. In the church, this behavior should not be allowed and elected leaders ought to deal with crusaders in their midst who create problems and division. That last word is very important. Crusaders create unhealthy division and destroy the unity of the church. After all, it is a righteous struggle - which is often directly from the pit!

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ten ways to create unnecessary chaos in relationships

In recent days I have had my share of brushing up against chaotic and conflictual relationships between individuals or groups. What I have seen is messy, probably unnecessary and certainly painful but it got me thinking of the many ways that we can create unnecessary and painful chaos in relationships.

One. Triangulate with others instead of going to the source. When I share my issues about another person with anyone other than that person, I have brought them into my issue and often into an alliance with me against others. When you think about that, how crazy is that! It does not solve the problem but rather enlarges the circle of those who now have problems but who cannot solve them because their problem is a problem by proxy (actually our problem) but not theirs.

Two: Copy emails about conflictual situations to those who are not involved. Of course once you do that they are now involved and often others get inadvertently roped in. Why do we copy emails to people who have not business getting them? It is usually a power play or a way to bring in others to "our side" and it certainly enlarges the circle of mistrust, doubt and information.

Three: Sharing second or third hand information. Second hand information is not usually real information. At least it is often highly suspect because no matter what if it is second hand we don't know all the facts but just some of the facts. We ought not share what we don't know about another person's experience. 

Four: Going on a crusade against another individual or group. There are people who believe that they need to solve problems that they are not in a position to solve but they go on a crusade to do so anyway. I am not talking about a "whistle blower" situation but especially in Christian circles, taking matters into our own hands to take care of situations that are more likely the purview of a church or ministry board to deal with. There are many dysfunctional situations I may know about but do nothing about because they are not my purview to solve. 

Five: Planting seeds of distrust against another by sharing gossip or even "facts" that they can do nothing about. If people need to know, the right people need to know, not the wrong people. Too often we don't discriminate on that score. 

Six; Ignoring issues that we are in a place to deal with and the responsible person. Often, leaders who are conflict adverse don't deal with issues they know are problematic and therefore allow the dysfunctions to spill over among others. This is the source of much pain in the local church when leaders choose not to confront behaviors that are problematic.

Seven: Not telling people the truth. Truth should be shared graciously and only with the right people but if we have issues we need to share those issues in the right way and at the right time. Then we need to leave those issues with those who are in a position and who have the responsibility to do something about it. What they do is not my responsibility. Being honest with them is.

Eight: Demonize those who disagree with you or who are the objects of your unhappiness. It happens all the time in Christian circles. We divide the world into good people and bad people, righteous and unrighteous. Is life that easy? and which group would we be in? In this world view we are in whatever group someone else puts us in. Life is not that easy. Good and Godly people can do and say unfortunate things but it does not make them worthy of demonization.  We ought to be happy that Jesus does not see us that way.

Nine: Taking up someone else's issue as ours. Another form of triangulation. Your issues are yours and mine are mine. I can give you counsel or take your counsel but the issues are still either yours or mine. When I take up your issue, I get involve in conflict that is not my own. I am always ready to mediate conflict but I do not want to get involved in the issues of others that I cannot solve.

Ten: Being unwilling to be a third party to solve relational difficulties. "Blessed are the peacemakers" says Jesus. What would happen if every time we heard there was conflict we offered our services to seek to resolve the conflict rather than get involved in the conflict itself. The world would be a different place.

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Civil and uncivil discourse in the Christian community

I have watched closely the comments (thousands) posted on Christianity Today's website over both homosexuality and World Vision's recent decision and retraction. I have also noted how some high profile leaders among Evangelical's reacted and pontificated.

Of course I was not surprised by the outcry of exception to World Vision's actions. What surprised me was the lack of wisdom and Biblical discernment by World Vision's board.

That aside I was truly appalled by the uncivil discourse by Christ followers in the debate. Unfortunately it is not an uncommon thing. We seem to lack the ability to speak to one another and to those outside our community with respect and kindness while disagreeing with the other side's conclusions. 

We often forget that our position (truth - as we understand it) is just as important as how we communicate that truth (grace - the flip side of truth). Jesus was described as one who was full of "grace and truth."

If the words of Paul were applied to the comments on CT and elsewhere a great deal of them would be gone. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another...(Ephesians 4:29-32)."

Truth without grace does not reflect Jesus or the fruit of the Spirit. Many outside the evangelical community see us as angry and unloving and they are often right - and that is sad. Is it not possible to speak and write our minds even while demonstrating the heart and kindness of Christ? This applies to controversies like World Vision as well as disagreements within congregations. Angry and unkind believers do not reflect the values or character of Jesus no matter how "right" they might be. And we lose our hearing if our words do not reflect the love of Jesus as well as the truth of Jesus.

(Posted from Milwaukee)

Relational laziness

I am sure we are all guilty at one time or another and it can be with our spouse, family, colleagues, staff or even significant friends - relational laziness. It is when we start taking others for granted or simply don't put the investment into what are for us important relationships. These are the most important investments we could ever make and when we become lazy and don't pay attention we hurt the relationship and ultimately ourselves.

Those of us who are married know that it takes care and effort to keep the relationship sharp and vibrant. It is not always convenient but it is always important. How many couples wake up one day to a stranger next to them in the bed and wonder how they got there. Somewhere along the line, relational laziness set in!

It is just as significant at work where our relational equity with colleagues and staff is absolutely critical to achieving what we need to accomplish and what we need to do together. Leaders who become lazy in this department lose their staff and their ability to lead well if at all. When we allow other key work relationships to go stale our needed coinage, trust and cooperation may also evaporate.

Consider making a written list of the important relationships in your life and periodically take a look at them and ask the question: "Am I doing what I need to do to nurture the relationship or have I dropped the ball?" Apart from our relationship with our heavenly father, our key relationships are everything! When we become too busy for them or lazy in nurturing them it is always to our detriment. 

Maybe this is the day to affirm an important relationship in your life.

The courage to have a direct conversation

It takes courage to have a direct and candid conversation with someone that we have a difference with. Too often, rather than speaking directly we speak to others hoping that they will influence or set straight those we have an issue with. It does not work! Rather it creates even more misunderstanding and chaos than if we had simply sat down to dialogue with the other individual.

If I have an issue with another individual it is my responsibility to deal directly with them, or they with me. Avoidance creates more distance and asking others to deal with it for us is a lack of courage. Hoping the issue will just go away is wishful thinking. It is a Matthew 18 thing!

I spoke to a pastor today who had been dealing with a number of elders who were at odds with him. He had avoided direct discussion of the issues for a number of years hoping that he could build the bridges necessary for resolution. It did not work. When he finally addressed the individuals directly they decided that they no longer wanted to serve in church leadership and for the first time in many years he has a unified and aligned group of leaders. Everything changed, but not before he had the courage to have a direct conversation and address the real issues.

We can run from a barking dog, hide from a barking dog or walk toward a barking dog. Today I do the last! I may not get agreement or resolution (the ideal) but at least I will get clarity and have done my part to deal with the relational disconnect. What I will not do is ignore the issues, hide from them or hope someone else will solve them for me. 

Jesus was always direct. He spoke with grace and truth but he did not dodge issues that were in front of Him. Neither should we.  Is there someone you need to have a conversation with?

Relationships and influence

There is a direct and organic connection between the quality of our relationships at all levels and the influence we have with others and within our organizations. If one wants to have influence one must focus on healthy relationships.

If we see positional authority as the base of influence we miss the point! People may accede to the authority of another because of their position but they will not genuinely follow someone who they don't respect or who they don't think has their best interests in mind. And the way they judge that is usually in the quality of their interactions.

It is easy to become careless in how we interact with others. We can take them for granted, send them biting emails, be short or critical or simply not acknowledge them and their contribution. Every poor interaction is a withdrawal from our influence bank and every good interaction is a deposit. Carelessness in our relationships and interactions is devastating to ongoing influence. 

Some people I know would say that the above statement is all about "politics" and they don't like politics. I would say it is about respect and all of us want respect. It is about negotiating relationships for the best possible outcome. If we want to have influence we will focus on the quality of our relationships. It is the basis of true influence.

Leaders and their relationships

In many ways, the quality of our relationships is the acid test of God’s transformative work in our lives. As the Apostle John wrote, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3:16). The same Apostle in His Gospel records Jesus as saying, “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me” (John 17:22-23). In other words, people will know we are Christians by our extraordinary and unselfish love for one another.


Transformation of our hearts is directly connected to the transformation of our relationships. It is a full understanding of God’s grace in our lives which becomes the ground for us to extend that grace to others on a regular basis and it is grace that allows us to love and it is love that transforms relationships. When I fully grasp how Christ loved me when I was unlovable, forgave me when I did not deserve forgiveness, is patient with me when I don’t deserve his patience, continues to forgive me when I blow it – when I fully grasp the unconditional love of Christ to me – it is then that I can extend that same love to others. My ability to extend grace to others is directly connected to my understanding of the grace God has extended to me.

Transformed relationships are about treating people as God treats us, seeing them as God sees us – as individuals made in His image and of infinite worth, wanting for them what God would want for them – to reach their full potential - and extending the same value and honor to others that God does to us. While the culture of the world is to use others for our benefit, Christ followers see relationships as an extension of our relationship with Him which always wants the best for others.

This is an especially critical issue for leaders who have authority over others and whose words, actions and decisions impact others. Because leaders have an agenda – and all leaders do and must - and because leaders are result oriented – and good leaders are, there is always the temptation to use people to achieve that agenda rather than to develop a common mission and together get there through serving people and helping them flourish in the role they play.

This is always a balancing act because leadership means that we must achieve results, resources are always in short supply and getting the right people in the right seat on the bus is part of leadership. Relational stewardship in leadership is all about finding the right gifting for positions, building healthy teams and then developing people into the best they can be. Rather than using people, this is all about developing people and helping them become the person God designed them to be.

Leadership is all about relational equity. We regularly make deposits and withdrawals to that equity: Withdrawals when we disempower or in some way break trust and deposits when we treat people well and empower them. Thus transformation of our relationships is a key component not only to the love we are called to live out but to our leadership and the influence we have with others. Without healthy relationships, influence is deeply compromised.

Avoiding emotional triangles

One of the signs of healthy emotional intelligence is the ability to be "self defining" - having one's own view and opinion of situations and people without being "drawn into" the opinions or issues of others. Both emotional triangles and enmeshment are signs of poor EQ, whether by the one who does the triangulation or the one who is drawn into the triangulation.

For instance, it is not unusual for someone who has an "issue" with another individual to seek to draw other people into their "issue" by speaking ill of them (often subtly to first see if there is resonance) and looking for others to join them in their opinion. This makes the one with the "issue" feel better (they have others who now share their opinion) and it allies others with them against the one with whom they have an issue. It can be very subtle but the results are not!

This often happens in families, in workplaces, in ministries and in congregations. It divides people, hurts relationships and can cause relational chaos on a team or within a group. And it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence on the part of the perpetrator as well as those who choose to join the perpetrator.

Individuals with healthy emotional intelligence keep their own counsel on people and situations. They do not allow themselves to be drawn into alliances with others against others. They are able to think for themselves and understand that they are responsible for their relationships with both parties and they do not allow others to define those relationships for them.

In addition, they immediately recognize when someone tries to "draw them in" that what they are hearing is probably not reality - that there is a reason that they are being lobbied toward a certain view or attitude. In fact, rather than being drawn in, emotionally healthy individuals immediately recognize that they are dealing with someone with poor EQ and they are wary of the information they are receiving.

How can one deal with situations where one is being subtly lobbied to agree with one party against another (triangulation)?

First, understand that your responsibility is for your relationships and that you need to be "self defined" and come to your own conclusions about people and situations. Healthy self defined people do not allow others to define reality for them.

Second, realize that anyone who triangulates is not operating out of healthy emotional intelligence and rather than solve the issue they have with others they instead seek to ally others with them against those with whom they have issues. Think about the difference between those two approaches! Which would be the biblical approach?

Third, do not give sympathy to the one seeking to triangulate which only feeds their unhealthy practice. Instead, ask clarifying questions that might help them understand that their perspective may not be the only way to look at the individual they are unhappy with and encourage them to deal with the relational disconnect rather than to draw others into their issue. When we give sympathy in the absence of personal information we become complicit in the problem.

Fourth, ask who could meet with the one with the offense and the one who is being marginalized by the one with the offense to bring understanding and reconciliation. Their willingness to deal with their issue when called on it will tell you a lot about their real motives.

Don't get caught in the deadly web of triangulation. It is unhealthy, it destroys relationships and it hurts ministry. Furthermore it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and the inability to be self defining.

The best ministry is relational.

It is easy to forget in a day of unprecedented technology - email, blogs, twitter and the like that the best ministry is relational - face to face. It may take longer but it is certainly more effective.

Think of the difference between Old Testament days when God communicated in various ways but rarely face to face to the incarnation when God, in the form of the Son, Jesus, came and dwelt among us. It was that deeply relational connection with Jesus over three years that prepared the disciples for their future ministry.

In our driven and out of control schedules we often miss the importance of relationship or even of face to face communication. Even in my world of having staff around the world Skype makes it possible to talk face to face where one can see one another, look into one another's eyes and read one another's faces. 

God is a personal God and we are in a personal ministry of representing Him. Given the choice choose personal communication and face to face over emails and impersonal communication.  

What is your congregation's spiritual Klout score?

Those who are tech savvy know about Klout. It is designed to rate your online clout by measuring your influence on things like Facebook  blogger, twitter and such. It is an interesting concept although I suspect that many with very high Klout scores may spend a bit much time on line.

But it got me to thinking about the spiritual Klout of congregations in their communities. How does a congregation deepen its influence for the Gospel and its influence with unbelievers? It is worth thinking about and perhaps reminding our people because the church exists in large part for those who are not yet in it as God's chosen instrument to reach our world.

What gives a congregation spiritual influence? First, the number of authentic relationships its people have with those not yet in God's family. Almost all conversions begin with authentic relationships so those congregations who place a significant priority on relationships with unbelievers find they have higher numbers of conversions.

Second, the commitment to prayer for our unsaved friends, relatives, neighbors and co-workers. It is the Holy Spirit that causes hearts to turn toward God and the commitment of our people to pray regularly for their unbelieving friends is deeply significant.

Third, the desire of our people to live out the Gospel in the venues where they live, work, play and relate. Small acts of kindness, concern for others, authentic conversations - just being like Jesus with those around us in an intentional way.

Fourth: Finding ways to bless our communities with acts of service for which we receive nothing in return. Serving the needy and praying for and working to bless the communities in which we live. This includes programming that speaks to the needs of families, those in recovery and other felt needs.

Spiritual influence (Klout) does not happen by mistake. It is an intentional commitment to influence those around us with the magnetic, compelling, healing love of Jesus. It is a discussion worth having in your congregation for the advancement of God's Kingdom in your community.

Don't pick a fight where there isn't one

I was in a meeting recently where someone kept pushing on a certain issue they were passionate about which was not the focus of the meeting. They were trying to push a personal agenda and finally the moderator said "Don't pick a fight where there isn't one." 

It was good advice! There are people who have deep convictions or hobby horses on specific issues and want to create controversy among others so that they adopt there view. The truth is, I can respect the views of others without needing to agree with them or endorse their ideas. It happens all the time.

All of us have issues we are passionate about. It is not necessary that we push our convictions on others which often creates conflict. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one! We can live out our convictions without insisting others agree with them. My convictions are mine, yours are yours and sometimes they overlap and other times they don't - at least as non-negotiables. When Paul says to try to live at peace with all men he is encouraging us to be peacemakers rather than creating controversy.

I find that when people seek to pick a fight over an issue they are often black and white folks who cannot understand that people can have a range of views on the subject. Or that others can have different views and be completely rational people. And even love Jesus. Share your convictions but don't insist that others agree with them. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one.