Reactance: Why giving staff choices matters in creating healthy cultures

 

In interpersonal relationships, reactance is a term that describes the push back that people give when told what they must or must not do. When freedom to choose is restricted in areas that staff feel are unnecessary you get reactance which often comes with cynicism and often a failure to comply. Anger or irritation are often parts of the equation.\

The more freedoms are proscribed, the more reactance occurs. 

"In general, people are convinced that they possess certain freedoms to engage in so-called free behaviors. Yet there are times when they cannot, or at least feel that they cannot, do so. Being persuaded to buy a specific product in the grocery store, being forced to pay tuition fees, being prohibited from using a mobile phone in school, and being instructed to perform work for the boss are all examples of threats to the freedom to act as desired, and this is where reactance comes into play. Reactance is an unpleasant motivational arousal that emerges when people experience a threat to or loss of their free behaviors. It serves as a motivator to restore one’s freedom." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4675534/

For years I traveled to parts of the world where one does not normally get receipts. So, I would keep a log of expenses and hand in that log for expense reports. The accounting department didn't like that even with my explanation and I was told I had to have receipts for everything. That irritated me (reactance), as I knew it was silly and a waste of my time, but I did as they said and came back with a pile of receipts with foreign languages, usually stamped on tissue paper with some sort of red stamp (that evidently makes it official). I dutifully handed them in with my expense report in a pile. A few days later I received a call that said, "What do we do with this, we cannot read anything." My reply was "I don't know." (Said with a smile on my face). Soon we were back to the old way of doing things.

Good leaders, try not to force people to act in a certain way but give them "agency," the ability to choose to do the right thing, or to choose between options. 

While some regulations or policies are necessary, there are many policies that are put into place for one reason or another that restrict an individuals freedom that are totally unnecessary. In one organization I led, I asked the staff what policies could be lost and we eliminated two thirds of them. This led to a greater sense of freedom for the staff. Ironically many of these policies were put in place to deal with stupid things staff members had done over the years. Instead of dealing with the staff member, policies were written. A bad idea as it constrained others. 

A best practice when considering a new policy is to ask staff what is needed and what they would recommend. This gives them agency and considerably minimizes reactance. The more participation staff have in areas of policy the less reactance there will be.

Bottom line: Try not to limit the freedom of staff and when it is necessary to do so, get them involved so that you minimize reactance. Freedom of choice raises the level of employee satisfaction where limiting it lowers it.

Learning to love our friends and colleagues as Paul did

 

I have always been fascinated by the greetings to specific people that Paul includes in his epistles.

Far from being an unapproachable theologian and church planter Paul paid attention to the people in his

world.

Even as a type A personality, Paul took the time to encourage, appreciate and acknowledge his friends and colleagues. We find it hard to carve out time for a phone call. He wrote letters and never forgot his colleagues.

A great example of this is found in the personal greetings that Paul ends his letter to the Romans with.

“I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae. I ask you to receive her in the Lord in a way worthy of his people and to give her any help she may need from you, for she has been the benefactor of many people, including me. Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them.

Greet also the church that meets at their house. Greet my dear friend Epenetus, who was the first convert to Christ in the province of Asia. Greet Mary, who worked very hard for you. Greet Andronicus and Junia, my fellow Jews who have been in prison with me. They are outstanding among the apostles, and they were in Christ before I was.

Greet Ampliatus, my dear friend in the Lord. Greet Urbanus, our co-worker in Christ, and my dear friend Stachys. Greet Apelles, whose fidelity to Christ has stood the test. Greet those who belong to the household of Aristobulus. Greet Herodion, my fellow Jew. Greet those in the household of Narcissus who are in the Lord. Greet Tryphena and Tryphosa, those women who work hard in the Lord.

Greet my dear friend Persis, another woman who has worked very hard in the Lord.  Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too. Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas and the other brothers and sisters with them. Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas and all the Lord’s people who are with them.”

Paul knew people and their stories!

Paul’s life was filled with people as ours should be. He cared about them as we should. He took the time to let them know of his love, appreciation, and prayers. He encouraged them and prayed for them. Each one was precious to him. Paul was a theologian and Apostle and he recognized that the gospel is about people, redeeming them and calling them into work for the gospel alongside him. Everyone matters in God's sight.

Paul was not too busy to pay attention to the people in his life.

He was not so consumed with his own concerns that he ignored those who he loved and those who he worked with.

How are you doing with the people in your life? Do you love them as Paul did? Do you pray for them and encourage them as he did? Too often we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we forget to care for those around us. To know their story, to call them to something greater than themselves, to thank them and let them know that they are noticed.

Are there people who you should reach out to today to thank and encourage? 

Paul specifically:

• Communicated with the people was close to
• Acknowledged their contributions
• Encouraged them
• Loved on them

Ultimately, our lasting impact is very much intertwined by how we love our friends and colleagues.

A key to wisdom is introspection - a rare commodity in a hurried world

 

Wisdom cannot be microwaved! It comes from deep reflection, asking the right questions and careful self analysis. That is why it is in short supply today. Our world values quick answers and fast results. It favors the busy. Wisdom, however, favors introspection, truth and self-analysis.

Given that, what are some of the keys to becoming a person of wisdom?

Times of solitude

I am indebted to Henri Nouen on his insights into the necessity of solitude for personal transformation. He often wrote of the necessity of solitude - without the distractions of media or others - where we were forced to think deeply about the scaffolding of our lives. In fact, he suggested that we often avoid solitude because of what we might find when we have to face our true selves. Wisdom favors those who can and will look deeply into themselves, like King David, to see if there are any displeasing ways in us. 

A source of truth

There is no wisdom without an unchanging source of truth that becomes the mirror against which we examine ourselves. For Christ followers, this is Scripture. But here is the problem: Most of us are too busy to read Scripture and think through its implications for our lives, decisions, thinking, attitudes and words. We want wisdom but we don't want to pay the price for it. Or, we read the latest book on leadership, self help (good as those are) and ignore the foundational truth of God's Word on which wisdom is always based. 

Solomon said it this way in Proverbs 2:1-8. "My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones."

The wisdom of others

Wise individuals are readers. They have the humility to understand that they need many mentors and many of those mentors can be found in reading the wisdom of others. I don't have many books - I have many mentors on my shelves. Each one teaches me something about life and challenges my thinking. 

A journal

Why keep a journal? It helps us to reflect on our lives, lessons we are learning, changes we would like to make and clarify our next steps. As Solomon wrote, finding wisdom is like mining for it, searching for its nuggets and brining our lives into alignment with that wisdom. There is no better way to accomplish this than to take the time to clarify your observations and commitments through the discipline of writing. 

The common denominator in introspection and wisdom

The common denominator - and one reason there is not enough wisdom evidenced in our world is that it takes time. Wisdom cannot be microwaved. It is developed over time, taking the time to think deeply so that we can apply the principles to our lives and live with intention and wisdom. We can live fast and come to the end of our lives having missed the most important truths by which to live or we can live slower and take the time to live out those truths today. 

What I have learned about people who complain

What should leaders do with anonamous letters and comments that come to them in their leadership role?

Ignore them! In not being willing to identify themselves they have taken the cowardly way out.

What should leaders do when people see that they are leaving their organization either as staff or as constituents?

Listen to them! Ask why they are leaving. It is better to know than to not know. You may not change anything but you may learn something.

If you are in a change process and people decide to bail, what should you do?

Nothing. Be gracious but don't change your plans because people complain or leave. When something changes, people will complain. Be gracious but don't appease. 

If you have a vocal critic in your congregation. Before you engage with them check their giving records.

Those who don't give regularly in the church don't have standing to complain because they have no commitment to the church. I will listen but will not receive their criticisms as valid.

If people complain with poor attitudes toward leaders or your organization...

Remember that those who don't live out the Fruit of the Spirit will not help you get to to where you need to go. When people violate the law of love in their attitudes they cannot help your organization smell like Jesus. 

If people tell you that they are leaving your church...

They have already left in their heart. They have moved on in their minds so trying to convince them to stay is not helpful. They may come back on their own at some time but don't try to change their minds. Remember that some leave because they feel God calling them elsewhere and we should bless them. Others leave unhappy and it is better for them to be in a place where they have a happy heart and a clear conscience than unhappy in your congregation - infecting others with their unhappiness.

If someone puts private pressure on you to change something or do something...

Don't feel pressured and get counsel from others rather than allow the voice of one individual to create angst in you. If it is a trusted friend who you know has your best interests in mind, listen. If it is someone with a personal agenda, be wary.

If you are attacked by an individual whose words, actions or attitudes are unloving...

Their attitude which  is anti-Jesus should compell you to take their words with a grain of salt. 

Remember this. All leaders face criticisms and complaints. We live in a highly conflictual time where people are venting in all kinds of unhealthy ways. Who shares criticism with you and how they do it is a critical factor in how much you should listen. Everyone has a plan for your life but the only one whose plan matters in the end is God's.

Generosity of spirit

 

If there were something that I would identify as lacking in our current world, I would say that it is a generosity of spirit. Social media, discourse, attitudes, emails and other communications often reflect a lack of generosity of spirit. We criticise, make assumptions, denigrate one another's opinions or convictions, take cheap shots and slander others - often without knowing facts. Rather than a generosity of spirit there is a stinginess of spirit. A cheapness and shallowness of spirit. 

What would a generous spirit look like? Look at this list from 1 Corinthians 13:  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Or consider the Fruit of the Spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

If we were to measure our words, attitudes and actions against these two core Biblical passages, we would see a much more civil and God honoring discourse. 

There are several ways we can nurture a generous spirit toward others.

First, choose to assume the best rather than the worst. Here is an interesting observation: We always want others to assume the best about our motives, words and actions but we often assume the worst about the motives, words and actions of others. Why? We are sinful - and we overestimate our own righteousness and underestimate the righteousness of others. Choosing to assume the best rather than the worst is a choice we make and it directly impacts our own attitude.

Second, respond as if Jesus was in the room. How might we modify our words, actions and attitudes if Jesus were sitting next to us. And he does through His Holy Spirit who is resident in our hearts. I wonder how many times I have made the Holy Spirit wince, sigh and sad by my responses to others or emails I have sent or words I have spoken. And think of how generous He is with us even as we are often stingy in our response to others. The passages in 1 Corinthians 13 and the Fruit of the Spirit reflect His character and a generosity of spirit. 

Third, Before we act, never assume you have all the facts. Faulty assumptions are the result of faulty facts and those facts we think we know are often more driven by gossip, incomplete facts, and our own interpretation of those facts than by the facts themselves. I cannot count how many times I have made faulty assumptions based on incomplete, inaccurate or just wrong "facts." Generosity of spirit always assumes that we may not know the complete story. 

There is a beauty about people who nurture a generosity of spirit. They exhude grace, understanding and kindness. They give people space and grace. Their words build rather than tear down. Time with them is encouraging rather than discouraging. They relfect the character of Jesus. This is who I want to be. How about you? 

The challenge of forgiving ourselves

The lack of self forgiveness often has devastating results on our relationship with the Father and our own involvement in ministry. We have become convinced that He cannot truly forgive our sin. It was too egregious, too serious. And so we live our lives in silent confession, hoping that He can forgive but never really feeling forgiven. This directly involves our involvement in any kind of Christian service because we don’t feel that God could, should or would use us. So we live quietly in the shadows, never being all in and always feeling inadequate and unworthy.

If this applies to you, I want you to listen very carefully to several truths. First, God’s grace always exceeds our sin. You cannot out sin God’s ability to forgive. Paul makes this clear when he says that, “where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20) There is no sin that God cannot or will not forgive. He sent His one and only son that, “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) God is in the business of forgiving because of the death and resurrection of Christ on the cross.

Second, you cannot separate yourselves from God’s love. Again Paul says, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God, and he is also interceding for us.” - Romans 8: 31 - 34

Third, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

For many of us, one of the greatest struggles of our lives is to forgive ourselves for choices we have made, actions we have taken or perhaps words we have said. The thing about past sins is that they can be as real to us today as they were then. Often they are secret sins, but the problem is that we know and, in spite of confessing them to God many times over, we cannot forgive ourselves. 

Fourth, who are we to deny God’s work of forgiveness by refusing to forgive ourselves? If He has forgiven us, we must do the same. Satan will always sow seeds of doubt in our mind regarding our sin but 1 John 1:9 makes it clear that when we confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness. All of it! Every last bit of it. 

If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, ask God for His help. Sometimes it helps to do something to intentionally experience what God has already done for you. Take a piece of paper and write on it those sins that continue to bother you. Then as you thank God for  His forgiveness, put that paper in your fireplace or burn it in your sink (don’t burn down the house). As you clean the sink of the ashes, you are reenacting what God has done with your heart. Thank Him, and every time you remember that sin again, think of the ashes in the sink that you cleaned up. Whatever you do, don’t live in guilt when God designed you for freedom, and don’t live in the shadows when God designed you for the light.

Four myths about forgiveness

There are many mistaken notions about forgiveness which, if not understood, can cause us to question whether we have truly forgiven those who have wronged us. Almost all of us carry with us wounds inflicted by another. Some of those wounds go back to our childhoods and are intensely painful to remember. Often we wonder how old we will be before we are freed from their grip. I want to look at four myths about forgiveness that are not Biblical and should not cloud our understanding of this important issue. 

Myth one: Someone has to ask for forgiveness before we give it. If only life was that simple. Here is one of the most difficult things about forgiveness: those who have hurt us rarely apologize to us, ask forgiveness or acknowledge the depth of their hurt to our hearts, souls or bodies. In fact, we don’t forgive primarily for the individual who wronged us but for our own sake. I wrote in a recent blog post that when we refuse to forgive, we allow ourselves to be incarcerated in a cell of bitterness even while we have the key to unlock the cell door - forgiveness - but we choose our dingy cell to the joy of sunlight, freedom and peace. The one who wounded you may well not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to forgive them so that you don’t live life in the prison of bitterness.

Myth two: Forgiving means forgetting. Our memories don’t work that way. We don’t forget moments or periods of intense pain. They are indelibly locked in our brain. The pain we feel when we remember those events may start to fade with time and the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives but we will not forget. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Rather, it is to be free of the bitterness and hate that we feel for those who wronged us. The more freedom we experience, the more healing we can experience. As we heal the memories don’t go away but the pain associated with them starts to recede. 

Myth three: Forgiveness relieves us of the pain of the wounds inflicted on us. Not so. The pain only recedes with the passage of time and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. As we heal, the pain may become less painful and there may come a day when there is no pain left. But that only happens when we choose to forgive and give up our bitterness.

Myth four: It is easy for a Christian to forgive. Not so. Forgiving others is one of the most difficult things we will ever do and the greater the wound the harder it is to forgive. This was the topic of one of Jesus’s parables: The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. As Jesus was dialoguing about this parable, He had this conversation with Peter: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” - Matthew 18: 21 - 23

Why would Jesus say this? He said it because of how hard it is to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness is a process of forgiving, and forgiving, and forgiving until finally we don’t need to forgive any longer. It is a hard discipline that must be exercised time and again until the pain has receded and the bitterness is gone. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do.

A simple principle to see dramatically better results

Over time most organizations move from focused activity to more general activity. In the process they unknowingly dilute the results they are looking for (Return On Investment) or in the non-profit world (Return on Mission). This drift from focused activity to less focused activity is not intentional but it happens in almost all organizations unless there are tools in place to keep the main thing the main thing.

Remember that approximately 80% of your success comes from roughly 20% of your activity. So focusing on the most important 20% is critical.

One of the key disciplines of any organization is to determine which of their activities yields the highest results and then to ensure that the majority of the effort is focused on these key activities. Many staff start to believe that being busy is an indicator of their skill. It is not! An indicator of skill is being focused on the right things, not activity in general.

Scorecards are a way to ensure that staff are focused on those activities that will yield the most return. One of my coaching clients is a wonderful performing arts academy. Their front desk team have many tasks that they perform to keep the academy running smoothly. They are all important. But, the most critical thing they can do to add value to the organization is to sell their services to the parents who call in and inquire about lessons for their kids. If they neglect those calls or don't take them with seriousness they are ignoring the 20% that contributes to 80% of the success of the academy. 

In order to focus on the 20% of activity that yields the greatest result, it is often necessary to eliminate other activity that is good but not critical. 

In good times, organizations add programs or products that are good but not critical to their mission. When tough times come, it is necessary to jettison some of the good for the sake of the critical. Not all products or programs are of equal value. Covid is a wonderful time to ask what is mission critical for the organization and then have the courage to let the rest go. Hard economic times help to clarify what is truly important what is marginally important. 

The best leaders are those who can sift through the activities of their staff and the programs and services they offer to ensure that the most important are being served and the least important are set aside. This is one of the distinctions of a good organization compared to an average organization.