Relational EQ is one of the most important skills for believers to excel in

The Christian life is one of becoming more like Jesus and in this arena perhaps one of the most important skills is that of relating to other people. When you think of the numerous interactions of Christ in the Gospels one is struck by His ability to draw people in, relate to their needs, speak to their issues and connect with both the poor and the rich. This skill was directly linked to His ability to draw people to Himself and then to the Father. 

We all have imperfect relational EQ. I have individuals that I am estranged from even though that causes me great sadness. The issues of life often can disrupt relationships and of course it takes two parties to solve disruptions. But all of us can focus on growing our ability to relate well to others which is critical if we want to influence them for Jesus. Since we may be the only version of Jesus they know, what do they think of Him when they relate to those who follow Him?

This is where the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives really shows up as each element has a direct relational component: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. People are drawn to those characteristics which is why they were drawn to Jesus. Add to this qualities such as respect, truth telling, being non-judgmental, and full of grace and mercy and you have the wonderful combination of grace and truth that characterized Jesus. 

None of this means that we cannot say hard things when necessary but how we say them and why we say them is an important piece of the equation. Truth be told, some of the harder things we say to others often does not come from a righteous place in our hearts. 

While there are great books on Relational EQ, Scripture itself is full of teaching on the subject. For a believer it is a great place to start. To the extent that people do not see Jesus in us and in how we relate to them, they are unlikely to listen to what we might have to say about Him.

Perhaps the most discouraging for me are the many Christian leaders who do not treat their staff with dignity and respect and create cultures of fear and intimidation. These are people who claim to tell others about what it means to be transformed but their own treatment of people is harsh and unkind. As an organizational consultant many of the situations I encounter are dysfunctional staff cultures because of a leader at the top who does not model Godly relationships. When there is staff dysfunction it almost always starts at the top.

Just as I published this, the following video showed up on Facebook. Now ask yourself - was this a Jesus moment?

https://www.facebook.com/redwine72/videos/2487464221514422/

Here is our challenge. As we read Scripture we ought to be constantly aware of God's relational principles that we find there. As we read the Gospels we get a good idea of how God actually puts those relational principles into practice. The better our relational EQ the more like Jesus we become especially as we allow the Holy Spirit to help us grow in these areas. 

Learning to disagree and remain relationally connected

Being able to disagree with another individual and remain relationally connected is a unique skill that gives one greater influence. Too often, we allow different opinions to separate us from others, which limits our influence and creates unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, when two people disagree and allow their differing opinions to create division, others often line up behind one or the other, and the result is a division of many rather than of two. Thus, learning to disagree and remain relationally connected is even more critical if we desire to be people of peace.

Fundamental to this skill is the ability to separate our opinions, however strong, from relationships. Ideas and convictions are things that define us as us. They allow us to be self-defined people rather than defined by others. Self-defined individuals understand who they are, what they think, and what their convictions and values are. However, just as they do not allow others to define them, they do not insist that others also agree with them. They know who they are and allow others to be self-defined as well. 

For many, agreement on issues is the basis of a relationship. But this is a fragile basis for any friendship or working relationship. First, because there will come a time when there is a major disagreement that will compromise the relationship. Second, it does not allow both parties to be self-defined. Usually, it is the dominant individual who will define the relationship with weaker individuals simply agreeing. Third, this kind of relationship fundamentally ignores the healthy boundaries of self-definition that allow individuals to be who they are rather than to be what someone else is. Finally, it does not respect the opinions of others but requires them to agree with us. In this respect, there is not the humility to allow others their own convictions.

Collegial relationships should be based on mutual respect, common interests or goals, and the conviction that we need one another to achieve the best outcomes. It should not be based on the need to agree with one another all the time. If I can separate my convictions from the ability to remain relationally connected, I can retain the ability to stay connected, have influence, and keep others from taking sides and dividing the group. 

In my own consulting, I make it a high priority to stay connected to those who might disagree with my recommendations. I want to unite others rather than divide them. And I want to remain connected whenever possible.