The diminishing practice of taking responsibility for our actions, lives and situations

We have an epidemic in our society of not taking responsibility for issues in our lives and leadership. From the highest office in government where no one seems to be responsible for major failures, to Christian leaders who blame others for their failures or refuse to make them right to everyday situations in our lives where we find it easy to blame, ignore or spin so that we don't  have to take personal responsibility.  At its base the problem is dishonesty, our own sinfulness, pride and a failure to face what we need to face and make it right or take personal action.

Ironically, not only is taking responsibility for our actions the right thing to do but it actually builds confidence and trust in others because they see that we are committed to doing the right thing. Even when we may have created a mess!

What does taking responsibility entail? It starts with admitting to ourselves the truth about our actions when we have failed in some way - whether large or small. That self honesty should lead to honesty with those we have affected. It means we need to be willing to say such things as "I was wrong and I need your forgiveness," "I really screwed this up and want to make it right," or similar words. Until we are willing to truthfully admit out loud to those we have hurt or impacted we have not take responsibility. It should be done if possible in person and with total truth, not blaming others or circumstances.

That admission must lead to the steps necessary to make things right in whatever way we can. This is a humbling process and requires the humility of admission, asking forgiveness where necessary and being willing to submit to others when necessary.

While I am distressed by the lack of transparency and truthfulness in government I am even more distressed by Christian leaders who do not take responsibility for their actions, admit their culpability and make things right. Leaders who spiritualize the poor decisions they make as if God is somehow responsible for the outcome.

A life of responsibility starts with the small things. No one compromises on large issues without first compromising on small issues. It is the small compromises which lead to the large compromises. It is also the taking responsibility in the small things that gives one the ability to do it in large things. Both taking responsibility and not taking responsibility are habits of our lives. The first leads to a life of integrity while the second to a life of compromise. We have everything to gain by taking appropriate responsibility and everything to lose by not doing so. 

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The object of our anger in sinful situations

Recently I had to struggle with the failure of a Christian leader who I admired and respected. The pain of his actions have impacted numerous people including those who were closest to him. There have been the normal emotions of anger, betrayal, disappointment, grief and amazement at the behavior. These are normal emotions which only time, forgiveness and reconciliation can heal. Fortunately, no act of sin is beyond Jesus's work for us on the cross so I remain hopeful.

It did raise some questions for me, however. How does one respond in such a situation? I know that forgiveness is necessary and the twin roads of accountability and grace are the means to healing. But I was also struck by two other emotions.

The first is that I was angry with sin. Think about the pain in your own life that has been inflicted by others. Then consider the pain that has been inflicted by ourselves to us and to others. Sin is ugly and painful and harmful to all concerned. I hate sin and the more of it I find in my life or see its workings in others the more I hate it. There is nothing good or redeeming or worthwhile about sin. That is why Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice to forgive our deep, innate, wicked sinfulness. 

Anger at sin is an appropriate emotion - perhaps even more than anger at those who perpetuate it. That does not let them off the hook but it is a reminder that the effects of the fall are huge and universal and very personal. I think of the pain my own sin has had on those I love and it makes me sad. 

Then I found myself angry at Satan. He loves sin and the destruction and carnage it brings while God hates sin and died for it. Satan is a master at using sin to destroy relationships, people, ministry, families and whatever he can. This is the point that Paul was making in Ephesians 6. Behind every sinful action is a sinful being whose minions are ever working to hurt and destroy and kill. Especially those who follow Jesus.

Finally I found myself sad for the one who violated trust and those whose trust was violated. I was reminded of the need for spiritual armor and vigilance in my own life. The phrase "there but for the grace of God" became more clear in my own mind. We are all fallen and vulnerable apart from the grace and power of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Am I disappointed with my friend? Does he need to confess and make restitution? Are there people who should be angry with his actions? Are there consequences to his actions? All yes. And I have often been disappointed with myself. But my anger is largely focused on sin itself and the one who is the author of sin, Satan. And I am even more aware of the vulnerability of us all, living in a fallen world - the legacy of our first parents, Adam and Eve. And the need we have for Jesus and salvation and the power of the Holy Spirit in our daily lives. I will not throw the first stone in condemnation! I will encourage him toward wholeness.

I was wrong

Those are hard words for leaders (and others) to say. In fact, they are so hard that you rarely hear them and when you do it is not that direct but some softer variation. Spin and circumlocution are not the purview of politicians alone. 

Leaders don't like to be wrong. The best leaders work very hard to anticipate unintended consequences of decisions and mitigate against wrong decisions for the good of the organization. But all of us blow it from time to time: A bad hire; words that hurt; actions that disempower; strategies that betray us and the list could go on.

Often when that happens we try to explain our way out of it. Why we did it, what we missed, why it was the right thing to do at the time - as if any of those things mitigate against the fact that we were...well...wrong. 

How refreshing it is when a leader simply says. "I was wrong." Those around them know the truth anyway so a candid reply beats a defense of ourselves every time. 

I know leaders who have left a string of broken relationships behind them because they were unable to admit their errors when they violated other people or did not keep their word. You cannot restore broken trust without first admitting that you were wrong. Hard but necessary words. 

The hardest words are the most important words. Others know it is hard and they respect those who can say them. It models a transparency and humility that is much needed in leadership circles. The irony is that we lose respect when we hang on to our pride and gain it when we admit our mistakes.

Doing the grownup thing

Even as adults we act like children at times. Complaints, petty arguments, tit for tat, easily irritated, shifting responsibility, taking our ball and going home and the list could go on. When we were young we looked at grown ups as being wise and mature. As grownups we realize that we're not always wise or mature but sometimes behave like adolescents. 

So I've been pondering the difference between children and grownups and suggest the following about living as a grownup.

Grownups deal with their stuff. We all have stuff to deal with - lots of it from our childhoods. Maybe we were not raised by perfect parents (who is?), or suffered some sort of trauma early in life or have some sort of failure in our past (It happens). Kids often hang on to baggage because they don't know how to handle it but grownups deal with it. You can only live with excuses for one's stuff for so long. Then it is time to deal with it and put it behind! Whatever it is, grownups deal with their stuff. 

Grownups take personal responsibility. Kids easily play the blame game. Some adults have been known to as well (think Eve, and Adam). Real grownups take responsibility when they blow it and work to make things right. All of us make choices and some of them are wrong. Adults admit, make right and change course when it happens. 

Grownups control their emotions. Sure grownups cry and get sad and experience great joy. What they don't do is fly off the handle, live with anger problems, say things that they cannot take back or treat others with less than honor. They have learned to control their negative emotions - those that hurt others and accentuate positive emotions - those that build others up. 

Grownups use their money responsibly. Kids often love to spend money. Grownups love to save money and they have the discipline to put off purchases until they have the funds rather than living off of credit card debt. Instant gratification is a kid thing. Delayed gratification is doing the adult thing. Sorry for meddling on that one.

Grownups live in reality. We don't always like the realities with which we live but mature adults accept those realities and deal with them - whatever they are. We have all met people who try to ignore reality and responsibility. Grownups don't! We may try to change our reality (getting out of debt or dealing with other issues) but we don't ignore reality. Walter Mitty fantasies are for children, not grownups.

Grownups foster personal discipline. As children, a disciplined life was not a high value for most of us. For adults, it is the grownup thing to do. Disciplines with God, with work, with family, with ministry and even rest and recreation. There is no maturity without ongoing personal discipline. 

My conclusion is that some grownups are not really grownups. But I want to be one. And there are always areas where we as grownups need to continue to grow up - with the help and empowerment of God's Spirit.