Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade and depression

Unless you have suffered from depression or have lived with someone who does you will not understand how two such successful people who seemingly had everything going for them could commit suicide. But if you have experienced significant depression or lived with someone who does, you do! 

How can one describe depression to one who has never experienced it? 

Waterboarding of the soul

The dark night of the soul

Being stuck in your own head with all its fears and thoughts without a way out

Pain, pain and more pain - the kind that you cannot escape from

Brain fog where everything is a struggle, everything is hard

Darkness and sadness and hopelessness

Drowning in a vast ocean

Constant feeling of fear

If you have experienced depression you will have your own metaphors but none of them are sufficient to describe the experience. Most illnesses can be described. This one can only be felt and it feels like there is no escape. Money, position, power, family and any number of other things we often aspire to cannot free the depressed person from the prison of the mind. It is an illness and that illness needs compassion, understanding and help.

Because this illness resides in the brain, there is no escape from it. It can appear at the oddest moments and rob the brightest and most successful of their joy. It is in the brain but it is not just a matter of just "getting over it," or "thinking positive thoughts." It often requires extensive therapy and medication and ways to cope with the inner pain. 

If you cannot understand the suicides of Anthony Bourain or Kate Spade it is because it is not understandable apart from understanding the unpredictability of depression and the darkness that even successful people experience. Outward appearances can hide deep inner pain regardless of one's success in life. 

Many evangelicals and deeply religious people misunderstand depression thinking that if only one would give their issues to God all would be well and quote Scripture verses to that affect. Life is not that simple and answers are not that easy. Depression is a disease. "Just get over it," is not an answer but a deeply painful attitude to those who suffer from depression. You would not say that to someone with cancer and it equally does not apply to depression.

There are, thankfully, many good therapies for depression, as well as medications (Don't be one of those - especially in the religious community - who look down on those who take medication for depression). Sometimes it is learning how to deal with the disease rather than curing the disease. It can be a hard road but one worth travelling so that joy can replace depression, if only part of the time.

I have deep compassion for Anthony, Kate and their families. In a moment of time and in a season of depression, suicide seemed the only way out. I wish with all my heart they had chosen a different path but understanding the metaphors above I understand the pain. If you know someone who suffers from depression, encourage them to get help. It is available! Like anything else it can be a hard road but worth the effort. A life lost to depression robs the world of a precious individual made in God's image and of inestimable value.

Why boards need to change as an organization grows

Boards, especially in the non-profit world are not static entities. Unless they grow along with the growth of the non-profit they represent they will eventually stall out the effectiveness of that organization.

Consider, for instance five identifiable kinds of non-profit boards.

1. The Board of Friends and Relatives. Organizations start with the vision of an entrepreneur who has a vision to change something that needs changing.  There is nothing more natural than to find a group of friends and ask them to help you by serving as your board. The upside is that you have some advocates who will help you get the organization started. The downside is that they are friends and will not easily challenge the leader as the organization grows. Friends rarely challenge friends and certainly easily acquiesce to them. Thus while the board of friends and relatives may be appropriate for a season, it is only a season.

2. The Perpetual Board. These are boards that have no real mechanism for adding or subtracting board members and they serve in perpetuity. I have worked with these boards and they can be characterized as ingrown, a determination to hang on to power and control the staff of the organization, are resistant to change and are often led by a strong individual - perhaps the individual who had the original vision for the organization's mission. That individual often controls the board that controls the organization. There is not much upside to Perpetual Boards as they remain locked in the past while the organization needs to move forward.

3. The Controlling Board. These are boards that feel that nothing can take place in the organization without their blessing. Many church boards function this way. Rather than empowering the leaders of the organization, they essentially hold them hostage by requiring that they receive permission for anything they do. In addition, they often get involved in the affairs of the staff when in fact, staff should report not to a board but to the leader of the organization who reports to the board. Controlling boards do not understand the role of a board and the role of staff and will keep the organization from becoming all that it can become. In my view, there is no upside to a Controlling Board.

4. The Protective Board. These boards believe that it is their job to protect their leader at all costs. In the church it is why arrogant leaders get away with their behavior when the rest of the world knows something is not right. Boards are not there to simply protect the leader but the organization.

5. The Healthy Board. These are boards that empower leaders within boundaries while holding them accountable, are clear about the mission and its results, encourage robust debate and dialogue and ensure the health of the organization. This is a very different kind of board than the first four boards and unless boards move in this direction they will hinder the capacity and opportunity of the organization. 

All boards exist on a continuum between dysfunction and maturity. Healthy boards regularly access where they are and have an annual plan to up their game and governance. This starts with regular self analysis and even hiring a coach when necessary to move to the next level of maturity. Healthy boards lead healthy organizations whereas dysfunctional boards contribute to dysfunctional organizations.

The umbrella principle: Creating safe spaces for honest conversation

We have become a people divided: By opinion, politics, theology, preferences, lifestyle choices and any number of other issues. Those divisions alienate people from one another, create tribes that harbor animosity toward other tribes and prevent honest conversation that might just help us understand one another - even with our differences. What we lack are safe spaces for honest conversation.

Thus the umbrella principle. If you have a table with an umbrella in your back yard or deck, what happens when you raise the umbrella? What was before an impersonal space becomes a personal space for those sitting together underneath that umbrella, creating a more intimate and safe place for conversation. If you doubt me, try a conversation with friends with the umbrella down and then with it up. When you raise the umbrella you create a different environment. 

Those of you who enjoy an occasional cigar will understand me when I say that you cannot easily get into a fight in a cigar lounge. It always amazes me that such different people become such close friends when communing together over a cigar. Differences seem to disappear as honest conversation takes place in a safe place that encourages rather than discourages friendship. And in the context of friendship, differences of opinion can be honestly discussed. 

In every setting whether it be business, church, among neighbors and even family we ought to be looking for and creating safe places where understanding and friendship can be come more important than our differences - whatever they might be. And who knows, we might even learn something. 

In the absence of friendship, differences divide. In the context of friendship, differences create opportunities to challenge one another in a healthy way.

How do you measure the success of your organization?

I recently had an interesting conversation with the leader of a homeless ministry in the south. The city he is in has a large homeless population living in hidden places within the city. Because the weather is fairly mild it is a good place for homeless folks to congregate. The ministry he leads has a stated mission of helping these homeless folks get off the streets and into a stable living and working environment. This is also his desire.

His board however, measures something much different. They love to tell folks about the 40,000 meals they serve each year. The more meals served, the more successful they are in their view. On one level this is understandable. Feeding the hungry is necessary and it is a ministry. Helping the homeless become stable with homes and jobs is very tough, especially with the prevalence of drugs and alcohol within the population, to say nothing of mental illness. It can take years to help an individual move out of one world and into another.

The problem, of course is that focusing on the number of meals does not get to the heart of why the ministry exists. But because it is easy to count, it has become the measure of success for the board. The result is that more and more resources are focused on meals at the expense of the ultimate goal of the ministry which is to help the homeless leave the streets. By measuring the wrong thing - a good ministry in itself - the board sabotages its ultimate objective.

What you measure is what gets the attention in any organization. if you measure the wrong thing the attention is focused in the wrong direction. And it is easy to do. Everyone in leadership should regularly ask the question: "Are we measuring the right thing to ensure that we are moving in the direction of our mission and vision?" This means that we must do the hard work of figuring out what to measure and how to measure in order to determine whether one is heading in the proper direction and seeing success?

This is especially important in churches where our measure of success is often attendance, giving and buildings. But these are truly peripheral to the mission of the church which is more believers and better believers: Evangelism and Discipleship. That is harder to measure but it is possible to measure. Remember, what you measure is what gets the attention!

Five factors that can create greater employee satisfaction

Every organization says that people are their greatest asset but not all invest the effort to ensure that their work culture and practices are designed to provide employee satisfaction. In some cases, this is not even a priority which indicates that a stated value is also a neglected value. When this is the case employees become cynical and discouraged rather than loyal and engaged. In fact, the level of employee engagement is directly tied to the investment that is made to ensure that the workplace is healthy.

How do I know this? I have often interviewed numerous individuals on staff in the course of a "cultural audit" of an organization. Usually I am talking to good people who often have significant frustration in their work. What amazes me is that senior management and boards seem to have no idea of the frustrations that are articulated. This includes fortune 500 companies, non-profits, churches and other businesses. There are also plenty of examples of healthy workplaces where the staff are engaged and satisfied. What makes the difference?

While there are many factors that separate loyal and engaged employees from those who are unengaged and rather cynical, let me suggest five factors that can lead to greater employee satisfaction or in their absence, dissatisfaction.

First, there are clear expectations for all staff as to what spells success in their work. Fuzzy expectations lead to a situation where a staff member thinks they are fulfilling their job but the supervisor does not which creates frustration for the staff member and the supervisor. When review time comes around there is not an objective standard by which to evaluate the staff member's work leaving the evaluation to the subjective opinion of the supervisor.

A good question to ask each of your staff members and their supervisors is this: "Are their clear parameters for this job and objective ways to define success?" If the staff member feels that the answer is no, or fuzzy, those parameters and definitions of success need to be revisited. 

Second, each staff member has a supervisor who takes an interest in them, their work, and is committed to helping them succeed. This makes perfect sense if an organization's greatest asset is their people. In fact, if this is not the case, this stated value is not a real value. 

What this means practically is that supervisors need to be trained in how to supervise well so that staff are served well. Too often, supervisors are given responsibility to oversee staff with little or no training as to what the parameters of their job are and how success will be defined for their supervisory role. This lack of training has a huge impact on their staff who count on their supervisors to help them succeed.

A good question to ask in every organization is this: "Can supervisors articulate the parameters of their supervisory role and do they know what factors define success? Have they been trained in their supervisory role?"

Third, staff have what they need to do their job well and a supervisor who will resolve problems they cannot resolve. Few things are more discouraging to staff than to have responsibility for a task without the requisite tools to complete that task with excellence.

In one organization I worked with this frustration was articulated by the individual who was responsible for the use of facilities and reserving meeting rooms or venues for groups that needed them. What she lacked was a usable software program that would have made her job a breeze. Instead she was saddled with an antiquated program that took significantly more time.

She expressed her need to her supervisor numerous times but he resisted purchasing new software in the name of budgetary restraints (it was not really an issue). The staff member finally resigned in frustration which meant that the organization now had to find another individual to fill the responsibility and lost the valuable experience of the individual that left. It is a classic case of staff not having the tools necessary to do the job. And in the end, the organization lost.

A good question to ask every staff member is this: "Do you have the necessary tools to accomplish your job with excellence." You might be surprised by the response. 

Fourth, there is a culture of teamwork and cooperation within the staff that brings synergy and the best thinking and execution for the work at hand. The healthiest organizations have staff who work together to accomplish the mission of the enterprise. There are also work cultures where everyone does their own thing rather than working cooperatively with one another. The one who sets the cultural norm is always the leader or supervisor. 

Teamwork and cooperation does not just happen by accident. It is a culture that is intentionally created by leadership of a team, division or organization. And it is the responsibility of leadership to ensure that it is present and that staff understand the imperative of moving toward a goal together rather than separately. This may take training and dialogue but it should be an expectation of all staff. In healthy organizations you often hear the comment, "I love working with my team because we are committed to helping one another accomplish our goals." Conversely, job satisfaction of staff significantly declines when this is not the case.

A good question to ask staff is this: "Do you perceive that we work together as a team and that there is a cooperative spirit among us?" That might well spur dialogue toward a greater level of teamwork.

Fifth, staff are fairly compensated for their work. Many would wonder why this comes last rather than first. The truth is that for most employees their compensation is not the major factor in their job satisfaction as long as it is fair and equitable. Most people want to work in a healthy organization with people they appreciate over receiving a higher salary in an unhealthy organization where they don't want to come to work.

When doing a cultural audit of an organization I often ask employees if they feel that their compensation is fair and equitable. In healthy organizations the answer is generally yes and in unhealthy organizations the answer is often no - especially in church and non-profit environments.

A word to ministries and non-profits. It matters how we compensate our staff. Our compensation reflects the value we place on them. It is sad to see non-profit employees struggle with their income because in the name of meeting the needs of others we are unwilling to meet the needs of our own staff.

When compensation is fair and equitable, staff feel valued. When not, they often feel used. Non-profits love to keep their expenses low so that they can say that a high percentage of what they raise goes into services to others. But, when they are not fair to the staff who make the services happen it is not a value but rather a focus on their mission at the expense of their greatest assets. 

A good practice is to compare your salary structure to other similar non-profits in your area to determine whether your pay structure needs renovation.

Employee satisfaction is everything to any enterprise. They are the greatest asset because without them the mission will never be accomplished. When staff are happy they are engaged, loyal and willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish the mission. Pay attention to these five areas and you will increase the satisfaction of your staff.

Emotional Intelligence and it's correlation with organizational culture.

It is a given that the Emotional Intelligence of an organization is the sum of the EQ of its members. In other words, the organization's EQ reflects the general emotional health of its people. When I ask people about the culture of their workplace, they can quickly identify the positive and the negative aspects of their organization. What they often don't realize is that they are describing the EQ of those who work there. 

In effect, the EQ of the organization (which reflects the EQ of the individuals within the organization) creates the organizational culture. There is a direct correlation between EQ and culture. So, if one is going to change the organizational culture it becomes necessary to grow the EQ of its members. 

For instance, if one has a culture that is rife with gossip, back stabbing, unhealthy competition, conflict and people taking credit when they should not or blaming others when they are to blame one has a dysfunctional culture that reflects poor Emotional Intelligence among its members. The core issue is not the culture but the people who make up that culture and their level of emotional health.

The lower the EQ of the staff, the more dysfunctional the organization is. The higher the EQ of staff, the healthier the organizational culture. And the culture almost always reflects an organization's leadership as people take their cues from leaders.

Because we don't often think of organizational culture as related to the EQ of its members, we become frustrated with our inability to deal with issues in our organizational culture. However, by teaching and coaching in EQ we can directly impact the culture of the organization in healthy ways. 

All cultures have positive and negative aspects to them. Take a moment and think about the problematic areas of the culture of your team or organization and armed with that knowledge, do some teaching and coaching in the requisite areas of EQ that are involved in the problematic areas.

For examples of the signs of good and poor EQ, click here.

10 signs you are in a legalistic church

Legalism is pervasive in the church and it robs us of the freedom and joy Jesus intended for us. It was true in the early church, see Galatians, and it is equally true today. See this insightful article and think about the church you attend.

10 signs you are in a legalistic church - a thought provoking blog by Sheila Gregoire

Leaders: the culture of your team or organization cannot be delegated

Every organization, every church, has a culture and the health of that culture is the responsibility of the senior leaders. If it is a healthy culture it is probably because leaders intentionally created it. If it is unhealthy it is probably because leadership has not made it a priority.

Sadly, many leaders do not understand how important the culture of the organization is and the impact it has on their staff and on the mission of the organization. The health of the culture impacts the joy of staff, the cooperation of staff members, longevity, loyalty and the effectiveness in accomplishing the mission. 

Great dreams and vision can be subverted by unhealthy cultures. Leaders who do not intentionally create a healthy culture and one that supports their mission ultimately fail the leadership task. In the many consults I have done with churches, non-profits and for-profits there is a significant divide between those with healthy cultures and those with dysfunctional cultures. As an outsider asking questions, staff are very forthcoming with their experience and observations regarding the organization's culture. 

When the culture is generally healthy, it is because leaders paid attention to it on a regular basis and their own behaviors reflected  that culture. When unhealthy, leaders often deflect the reasons to others, often to staff, forgetting that culture is one of those things that cannot be delegated by leaders to others. 

Where there is a healthy culture, staff love to come to work, will give more than they need to and are passionate about accomplishing the mission together. Where the culture is unhealthy the opposite occurs.

If you are a leader, are you paying attention to the culture you are creating? If the answer is yes, can you describe the culture you are want to see in your organization? Would the staff agree with your assessment and have you or a neutral party asked them? 

Cultural audits are not hard to do and will tell you a great deal.

5 things that get in the way of our productivity

Sometimes it is the small things that get in our way from being as productive as we could be with the time that we have. It matters because time is our most precious commodity so the more productive we are the more time away from work we have. 

Here are five simple things that can get in the way of our productivity. They are everyday issues that can be managed for better personal results.

One: Not having a plan for the day
Sounds simple but many of us head for work without thinking through the issues we will face, schedule we have or things that need to be accomplished. A twenty minute review before the day begins, or even the night before can help us prepare mentally for what needs to be accomplished that day. Even having a standard half hour to review the coming day first thing after getting to work can help remind us of what needs to completed that day. A small thing, but we forget easily.

Two: Not prioritizing our work
Not all work is created equal. In fact, some work is more important than other work but unless we take the time to prioritize and identify the most important we will often settle into the comfortable and easy - rather than doing the not so easy but most important work first. Prioritization of our energy at work separates the average from the most productive. Every day we should be able to identify what work is absolutely critical for that day, important but not critical or neither important or critical.

Three: Procrastination
Most of us are tempted to procrastinate. Some of us specialize in it - even very bright people. Procrastination is used by some to force themselves to get things done up against a deadline. However, our best work is rarely done against deadlines but when we have time to think deeply. Procrastination as a habit is really about not wanting to live with appropriate personal discipline. That will filter into other areas of life as well. Procrastination is the enemy of productivity.

Four: Constant interruptions
When someone tells me that they love to multi-task what pops into my mind is that actually they are easily bored and don't like to focus. Our minds are most productive with focus rather than multi-tasking. This is why controlling our interruptions is a healthy thing do to, especially when focusing on the most important work which usually takes the greatest concentration. Don't allow an open door policy to get in the way of your productivity. Closing the door for a period of time has many advantages.

Five: Our smart phones
It may be that our smart phones are actually making us less productive rather than more productive. The same can be said for the constant interruptions of social media, all of which distract our minds from deep work and rob us of an amazing amount of productivity. With every interruption the mind must reorganize itself to refocus on the issues we were working on. In many cases vital thoughts or insight were lost because we allowed our smart phones to distract us.

All of us are susceptible to allowing things to get in the way of our productivity. In most cases, it is our own lack of discipline that allowed our productivity to be compromised. Being aware of those issues and sensitive to them can help us become more productive.

Missions and China's current political climate

As one who grew up in Hong Kong during the cultural revolution and witnessed the awful abuses of Mao Tse-Tung, I am watching with concern the return to one man rule in China under President Xi Jinping. His smiling visage hides a level of ruthlessness that almost always accompanies “one man for life” rule. China and Russia and the failed state of Zimbabwe all demonstrate the dangers of unchecked power.

Consider:

• China is on the leading edge of facial recognition  technology and is running some pilot programs in a few cities that they hope will allow them to keep track of the movements of its population and in particular individuals who they are concerned about.
• China is punishing multi-national corporations who speak up about things China does not want in the media by shutting down their web sites, requiring executives to abjectly apologize and holding them hostage to doing things their way. In essence they are further stifling free speech.
• China has started to demand that foreign corporations accept political officers from the party on their paid staff who would have veto power over employee placement and promotions. Of course the concern of a political officer is not the well being of the company or its competitiveness but the interests of the party.
• China has been demolishing large churches in some cities under less than legal pretexts to ensure that the church knows who is in charge.
• There has been the appearance of slogans (Mao loved slogans) to the effect that people need to put their trust in Xi Jinping rather than in Jesus. Of course this puts Xi Jinping in his own evaluation as superior to Christ.
• Increasingly employment and promotions are tied to party loyalty and those who don't give the party primacy (Christians give Christ primacy) are being discriminated against, denied employment or promotions.
• Don't be fooled by the anti-corruption campaigns in China. Here is the truth. Almost all senior (and many not so senior) leaders are corrupt. When you read about a wealthy business person or political figure being charged with corruption it almost never has to do with corruption but about removing from power those individuals who are a threat to the senior leader in power. Corruption charges are simply a pretext for getting your enemies out of the way while those who bring the charges are usually as corrupt as those who are charged.
• China is making it much harder for those who are in country for mission purposes and they usually know who those individuals are. Visas for new personnel are often being denied. China is nothing if it is not pragmatic and those individuals or organizations who give them something they want are tolerated until their threat to the powers that be becomes greater than their positive contributions.
• China works very hard to block internet sites that they believe are a threat to them. These can be religious, political or simply sites that promote free speech and the candid exchange of opinions. Tech savvy young people often find a way around these efforts, however. 

Remember that there is often a direct correlation between the accumulation of power and resistance to the church. Xi Jinping knows that Christians give ultimate allegiance to Christ rather than to the party, or more importantly, him. Thus the church and those who are committed to its growth are seen as threats and will be marginalized by those in power. This is having and will have a direct impact on mission efforts within China, both for the west and for the Chinese church.

Having said this, a few caveats are in order. China has more Christians then perhaps any other nation on earth today while at the same time being one of the largest people groups remaining to be reached. In addition, while mission efforts from the outside may be impacted by the current politics within China, it will not impact the growth of the Chinese Church no matter how hard authorities try. Even in the terrible days of the cultural revolution, the church continued to grow and it will in the years ahead.

Further, citizens of China are travelling abroad like they never have in the past which  means that they are not isolated any longer. My final caveat is that while these trends are present, the situation varies in different parts of China. What is clear to me is that what we have been used to in terms of missions in the past several decades is undergoing a fundamental shift. The next several decades will likely be significantly different than the past several decades.

If there had been no Good Friday or Easter morning

We take much for granted. As you walk through this week, consider the gift of the death and resurrection of Christ. Because if there had been no Good Friday or Easter Sunday….

You would have no church

There would be no Holy Spirit resident in our hearts

Funerals would be the final farewell

Guilt would last forever

Good News would be absent for all

Life purpose would be absent

Prayer would be futile

Reconciliation with God would be impossible

The evil one would have the final say

Evil would not be mitigated by God’s love – anywhere

There would be no New Testament

The failures of our lives could never be redeemed for a greater good

Suffering would have no meaning

Future hope would be non-existent

The One Friend we can always count on would be absent

Love motivated by Jesus would be non-existent

There would be no final justice

It would be a life without Jesus

There would be no Easter

Take time this week to reflect. Good Friday and Easter Morning are the game changers in human history - and in our own history.

The day between Good Friday and Easter morning

What do you think it was like the day after the crucifixion of Christ? Did Pilot wake up with a guilty conscience and wonder if he had done the right thing? Did the guards who had mocked Jesus and then seen Him on the cross, wonder if an innocent man had died? Did the crowds who had called for His life keep an embarrassed silence in a quiet Jerusalem? Someone was nervous for they asked the Roman garrison to post guards at His tomb. On the day after, Jesus' friends mourned, the Romans were nervous and some who had watched the execution were sure He was the Son of God.

It had to be a day like no other in Jerusalem. It had to be a day of quiet and consideration. It had to be a day of sober doubt after a day of impetuous action. I'll bet there were many disturbed consciences that day. The day between death and resurrection. A day of uncertainty and guilt. A day of hopelessness and sadness. But it was done and there was no undoing the events of the night before.

We have days like that! I have experienced whole periods of life that hang between hope and despair. Uncertainty reigns. Sadness is prevalent, maybe dominant. It is the time in between life as it was and life as it will be - but not yet knowing what will be. It is the dark night of the soul with all the questions, uncertainties and unknowns. It is those times of personal chaos when we have no idea and little hope that life will become whole again. It is the loss of hope most of all.

It is the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. It is real and it hurts and all of us experience it just as the disciples did, only in different ways. But there is another day coming...we know and we look forward to that day of hope. Always remember in the day of despair. The morning comes, and it comes with hope and resurrection power and salvation. In the in-between times, we need the words of Habakkuk, "Be still and know that I am God." Easter comes and so does Hope. 

One of the lessons of Good Friday is that things are not always what they appear

One of the lessons of Good Friday is that what appears to be true is not always true. On this day the cosmic battle between Satan and God culminated in what Satan thought was his greatest victory. That battle had been waged from the time of the fall (Genesis 3:15) where God made it clear that one day Satan would be defeated. But on this  day, Satan knew he had won. The Son of God is on the cross, alone, abandoned even by His Father who didn't seem able to rescue Him. Thirty pieces of silver was all it had taken, the best deal ever in the history of evil.

The disciples knew it was over. Jesus' friends knew it was over. The Jewish authorities knew it was over - their problem solved, a rival gone. Not only that but for those who cared, evil had won over good and righteousness. For the followers of Christ, this was the ultimate sadness. They had expected righteousness to triumph and instead, evil had prevailed. The one who had called Himself the Son of God, dead on a bitter cross. 

Little did they know that what appeared to be the final chapter was only the beginning of a new chapter because out of the jaws of apparent defeat, Christ would not only be resurrected but in that resurrection he sealed the fate of Satan and evil and unrighteousness for all time and made it possible for the created to have a relationship with the creator. Apparent defeat was only the prelude to total victory! 

Not for one moment had the events of Good Friday been out of the control of the heavenly Father even though it looked like the Father had lost all control. He is sovereign and nothing under His control can ever be out of control. The world learned that on Easter Sunday.

Think about your own life for a moment. Where are the areas that seem to be out of control? Where does it feel like evil has won? Where are the apparent areas where you feel defeat, discouragement, sadness or pain? It is easy to see the Good Friday moments in our lives when it is clear that God has not acted and we need His help. It is harder to wait for the resurrection moments when God shows up as He always does and redeems what we thought was unredeemable - often in surprising and unique ways.

Whatever your circumstance you can be sure that Easter is coming and that things are not always what they appear to be. In the end, nothing that is in His control can ever be out of control and God always prevails. Our job is to walk by faith in the Good Friday moments of life when life is hard and hope is scarce, waiting for our Easter to arrive when He shows up and redeems our situation. The fun thing about Easter was that it was such a surprise. Invite Jesus to surprise you in your situation today.

The prophet Isaiah said it well. "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him and by his wounds we are healed. 

The Thursday before Good Friday

What would you be doing the night before your death? Jesus had a supper prepared and invited some of his most trusted friends - His disciples. And then He did an amazing thing. Laying aside his outer robe he did what no self respecting man did - unless he was a slave. He washed His disciples feet: the ultimate sign of humility.

Think about this:

He washed the feet of Judas who would betray Him.

He washed the feet of Peter who would deny Him.

He washed the feet of Thomas who would doubt his resurrection.

He washed the feet of His beloved three who would not even stay awake in the garden and pray with Him.

And then He said, you are my friends. And He prayed one of His most significant prayers: what we call the High Priestly prayer found in John 17.

Even more profound, in that prayer He prayed for us: You and Me. On the night before His death He was thinking of all those down through the ages who would believe in Him as their Lord and Savior. 

He prayed for our joy - read it!

He prayed for our protection - it is there.

He prayed for our sanctification - becoming like Him.

He prayed for our unity: That those who believe in Him would be unified.

He prayed for our ministry that we would represent Him well.

This is the love of Christ. That he would minister to the one who would betray Him, the one who would deny Him, the ones who would not stay awake with Him and each of us who follow Him whose lives have been transformed by His love.

If we were to follow His example, what would the church look like?

Are you writing promise checks you cannot cash?

It is easy to say "yes" when we know we ought to say "no." It is easy to promise delivery on promises with unrealistic deadlines. These are "promise checks" that we are unable to cash. 

Why would we say yes when we should not, or promise to reach deadlines that are unrealistic? Let me suggest that there are often three reasons. First, we want to be liked and a "yes" to a request is an unconscious response that we hope will bring affirmation. Second, if we are conflict adverse, a "yes" when we should say "no" is clearly easier. Third, some of us are just wired to help others out so it seems to be the right thing to do. However, these can quickly backfire on us when we are unable to deliver on our promises. In not delivering we produce frustration in others and guilt in ourselves and finally, with time as our most precious possession, we eat up our own time with activities that we should not be engaged in.

It is easy to say "yes" in the moment and to regret that "yes" in the longer term. Every promise has a price tag attached that will require our time and attention. When we say yes to the wrong things we will create issues for ourselves and others. Most of us have done it and most of us have later regretted it. There are also people around us who may use our propensity to say "yes" to offload responsibilities they have.

How can we avoid this trap, especially when we feel we need to answer in the heat of the moment? My first suggestion is to develop a standard answer that gives you time to evaluate the request. Saying, "Let me think about that and I will get back to you," gives you necessary time to think through the request before you make a promise.

Then there are some questions we need to ask ourselves:

• If I agree to the request, do I have the time to fulfill it in the time frame requested?
• Is this request something that I am truly responsible for or is it really someone else's responsibility? 
• Am I trying to feel good, make others feel good toward me or am I simply avoiding the conflict that might come if I say "no." In other words what are my motivations to agree or disagree to the request?
• Will my "yes" create negative a impact for me with my time or energy, those around me like my family when I need to spend extra time working or will my "yes" take me away from more important work that I am responsible for?
• Is the request consistent with my priorities or will it detract from things that are more important in my life and work?

Asking these questions will often bring us to conclude that we should either decline the request - or modify the timetable. Of course that raises the question for the conflict adverse as to how they will communicate that back to the one asking for your time and attention.

One does not need to give all the reasons that you decline a request. The more you share, the more insecure you will come across and some people will take advantage of that. A simple answer like, "I appreciate the request but as I have thought about it I realize that I am full up at the moment and need to decline" will suffice. In most cases you don't need to justify your answer. Just be straightforward with your answer.

As hard as it is for some of us to say those words, it is deeply liberating when you realize that you did not add time and energy to your already busy life and you did not write a promise check that you cannot cash.