Understanding what good and bad EQ (Emotional Intelligence) look like

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

Creating cultures of excellence
AddingtonConsulting.org

A question that too few leaders and supervisors ask of their staff

It is a simple question but one that unasked can have significant ramifications. It is this: Are you being used to your capacity? Or another way of asking this is Are you challenged and engaged? Often the answer is NO. The no signifies someone who wants more on their plate, who is underutilized and may not be fully engaged which leaves them vulnerable to looking for another job and another organization.

Of course, the loss to your organization whether they stay or leave is that gifts and potential are left on the table, a situation that few organizations can afford in our competitive day. All organizations have more that we could be doing than we do with the people we have. Leaving coinage on the table is foolish!

Why is this question not asked more often? It is because supervisors take the status quo for granted, and assume that staff are in their lane. When I do staff audits for ministries and organizations I find that there are many instances where staff feel underutilized and long for the opportunity to take on more responsibility. That is a gift to the enterprise if we can uncover it.

It is not unusual for staff to leave one organization and find another opportunity at another with higher responsibility and higher pay. Who loses? Usually it is the organization that missed the cue because they didn't ask and the staff member assumed that there was not way for them to develop in the place that they are. One simple question might have saved an employee who your organization had invested a great deal in.

Watch your staff and their abilities. Talk to them informally. Find out what their passions are and where they are on the happiness scale. Ask if they are engaged and fulfilled. And if not and you value them, try to get them into a place where they can use their gifts and abilities to the fullest degree.

Creating cultures of excellence
AddingtonConsulting.org