Dear Dad

We often do not realize that of the seven billion people on our planet,  one billion of us are impacted by disabilities, either personally or in our families. How we love, include, treat, care for and honor those with disabilities is a huge indicator of our understanding of the Gospel. All people are made in God's image, all are equally important to Him and all have an equal purpose in His plan. We acknowledge those truths by treating those with disabilities as Jesus did and loving them as Jesus did.


Longtime friends of ours, Barb and Tim are living with the realities of Tim's struggle with ALS. She is a great writer and this recent blog of hers caught my eye because it captures the heart that all of us ought to have in caring for those with disabilities. It is a heart of love and thanks in the midst of tough realities.

Dear Dad~

I miss you so much just now. It's been more than 10 years since you've gone to see Jesus. I certainly do wish there were times when I could still talk to you. Especially now.

When you were here on earth with me, we never took the time to talk about your handicap. You never told me what it was like to go through having a major stroke. You never told me what it was like when all of a sudden half of your body refused to work anymore. You never told me what it was like to try parenting your kids after such a tragic event. I am finding myself in a place where I sure could use your advice on those things!

For all these years, I've always thought God put me in my place in our family for a couple different reasons. First, I thought I was there to be your incentive to get better. After all, I was only two years old when you suffered your stroke. You had to get better in order to take care of me and to play with me, your baby girl. (A little self-centered purpose, I suppose.)

I have also come to think of my place in our family as God's protection of sorts. Knowing how much everyone else in the family kind of fell apart after your stroke, I have, again selfishly, thought God placed me so late after Kris so that I would be spared that pain. I was so much younger that I wasn't even aware really of what was happening in our family. I was not pulled into the whirlwind of chaos that they were sucked into.

So as I grew up, everything after your stroke was normal to me. To all my sisters and brothers, everything had dramatically changed. There was a "before" and an "after". But not for me. It was normal to see you limp as you walked. It was normal that your left arm was always in a sling. It was normal to watch Mom comb your hair and clip your fingernails. It was normal to have someone cut your meat for you. I never thought twice about any of those things.

But, Dad, I have realized that though my first thoughts are still correct, I must now add another reason for my place in our family. God put me in our family, growing up with handicap as normal so that now I am just reverting back to my "normal" to comb Tim's hair, to clip his nails, to feed him his lunch, to help him dress and undress. It was God's way of preparing me for what's happening right now.

And I also need to add to the long list of things you taught me: You taught me how to help people in a way that is compassionate and preserves their dignity. It really is no big deal for me to help Tim on a daily basis - and it is thanks to you for that. Growing up around a handicap that seemed normal was one of your biggest gifts to me. Thanks for not talking about it. That kept it just a normal part of my daily life.

And can you thank our Father in heaven for me too? Not only did he place me in our family to help you recover from your stroke and to protect me from the aftermath of that stroke, I have just realized that he placed me in our family to prepare me for the journey I am walking right now. It's truly amazing how something so tragic so long ago can be used in such a powerful way almost 40 years later! He really is an amazing God that way.

I am envious that Tim will join you so much sooner than I will. Be sure to show him the best fishing spots you've found so far. It wouldn't surprise me if you have already met Tim's grandpa and you're planning your first fishing trip together for when he joins you! I miss you so much, but am happy that you are hanging with Jesus!

Love you,

Your little girl

If you would like to follow this couples journey, you may do so at Life Stitches. I honor those like Barb and Tim who walk the path of suffering with dignity and faith.

What can we learn from the incarnation?

We love the story of the incarnation and few stories have been told more ways in more places with more people. I never tire of it for it is a story of hope that is renewed every time it is retold - the Creator becoming one of the created so that the created could once again know the Creator! Here, Hope trumps all the darkness of our world in the person of Jesus.


Here is the question for us to ponder: what do we learn from the incarnation, the invasion of our world by a loving God, that can inform our lives and our interactions with others? 


When the Apostle John writes, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us (John 1:14)," he captures the heart of incarnation: God in Jesus came to live with us, entering into our flesh, subject to the frailties of the human condition including sadness, pain, joys, betrayal, illness and even death. 


In coming to live with us, Jesus left the comfort of heaven for the realities of a fallen earth. We follow the example of Jesus whenever we enter into the lives of others to bring love, hope, help and Him. We follow His example when we leave our comfort zones for the sake of others, being willing to get into the mess of the lives of others (as Jesus did with us), willing to suffer the inconveniences and even the pain of others. We follow His example when we "give ourselves away" to those who need a friend, some grace, unconditional love and acceptance. 


The joy of what Jesus has done for us is heightened when we become Jesus to others. Every time we do, we live out the blessing of the incarnation. We received it. Lets give it away.

Jesus: the intersection of grace and truth

If someone were to describe you what would they say? How would you like the job of describing Jesus? How does one even begin to comprehend Him?

The Apostle John, described the incarnation and the incarnate One this way. "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14)."

The One and Only, from the Father - full of grace and truth. The emissary of the unseen God bringing the two things that the world, and each of us, need most: grace and truth.

Truth is in short supply on our globe. The perfect world created by God was hijacked by Satan and his minions and the loss of truth was one of the consequences of the fall. In its place, Satan and fallen mankind manufactured versions of truth that suited them: False gods that promise everything but cannot deliver anything, but even more ironic, gods that leave us emptier than before. Everyone is chasing some version of "truth" but Jesus came with the Truth about God, man, sin, salvation and how to find fullness of life. Jesus brought truth and Jesus is truth! Want to know truth? Get to know Jesus!

The truth deficit brought about by the fall brought with it all the brokenness that we face personally and corporately in our world. And then comes Jesus, full of grace! All of the unfathomable grace of God in Jesus. Grace to cover the brokenness of tax collectors, prostitutes, the sick and lame, the rich and poor - you and me. Forgiveness with restoration. Grace that we can share with others as the grace of Jesus overflows from our lives.

Jesus is the perfect intersection of grace and truth - and therefore our deepest needs. Neither is complete without the other. Together, they change the trajectory of our lives forever. As you think about the incarnation, think grace and truth. Celebrate these two gifts of the Father to us.

Who threatens us and who are we envious of?

Two interesting questions to ponder. Who are we threatened by and who are we envious of? The answers to both reveal a great deal about us, our hearts and our insecurities.


Usually we are threatened by someone who we perceive to have more influence and power than we do. Thus the pastor who resents a strong layman in the congregation who others look up to. Or a former leader in a church whose influence has waned and is threatened by other strong leaders who have emerged. Those in the secular workplace know all too well the subtle power struggles that take place as people jockey for influence and power - against others who are a threat to their influence and power. Even the closest disciples of Jesus were not immune to these petty jealousies.


Another way of framing the question is "Who am I envious of?" Usually we are envious of those who see more "success" than we do, by whatever measure we are using, and those who have more perceived favor and status in the eyes of others.


Those who we are threatened by or envious of are important to us. Not because of who they are but because of what they reveal about the state of our hearts, motivations and drive. In short, they reveal deficiencies in our hearts and psyche! They reveal an incompleteness in us that must be made up for by competing with others and often hurting others in order to build ourselves up. For the only way to trump those who threaten us or we are envious of is to outdo them - to demean them in order to elevate us!


And here is the heart of the matter. This is all about us! It is not about our calling or humbly serving where God has us. It is about pride and personal elevation which inevitably means someone else suffers at our expense. The Apostle Paul never played this game and he never competed with those who competed with him. In fact, he ignored those who he called "super apostles" who were jockeying for power and influence and he simply stayed the course of the ministry God had called him to which was harder, more costly with fewer accolades of others but played to an audience of One. He knew that at the end of the day, it was God's evaluation of his life that counted, not the evaluation of others.


Pay attention to those you are threatened by or envious of. The message is not about them but about us!

Leadership waste in the church

OK, let's talk about an elephant in the church! I often hear pastors say that they need to train leaders and I often scratch my head because most pastors are not great leaders. That does not mean that they don't lead because by definition their job is one of leadership. But often the best leaders in the congregation are not pastors but men and women in the church whose gifting and jobs are leadership in the secular arena. But because they are not trained pastors, somehow, they don't qualify to lead in the church.

The greatest waste of leadership capital ever is found in the local church where leaders are not released to use their leadership gifts by pastors who are threatened by those who have stronger leadership gifts than themselves. 

I often talk to leaders who feel disenfranchised in their own church and who leave those churches for a place where their gifts are desired and used. And I think, what a waste! It is a loss for them, for the congregation and most of all for the kingdom. And I have to believe that Jesus cares a lot since He is the Lord of the Church and gave the leadership gifts!


Because of our mission, there should be no place where collaboration is more common than in the local church. Not competition but collaboration for the sake of the expansion of the gospel. This kind of collaboration, however requires pastoral staff who are not threatened by strong leaders in the congregation. In fact, rather than being threatened, they see that leadership capital as a bank of opportunity that can be tapped for greater ministry results. Rather than fearing strong leaders they embrace them and mobilize them for ministry impact.

I believe that God will hold Christian leaders accountable for the extent to which they empower all of God's people to use their ministry gifts in the church. That includes leadership gifts. I know many wonderful leaders who are not invited to use their leadership gifts in ministry because of the fear of ministry leaders who see other leaders as a threat to them.

Lets be real. We all have fears and we are all vulnerable to insecurities. But we must always remember that ministry is not about us but about the people of God being released for maximum ministry impact. Pastors may be insecure about their leadership acumen. Lay leaders may be insecure about their theological acumen. Together, however, they make a powerful combination. 

A better you, courtesy of the Holy Spirit

Most of us would like a better version of us. I grow tired of my impatience with others knowing how patient God is with me. I desire a deeper joy, knowing that God has given me so much. I wish to eradicate unkindness from my vocabulary and attitudes having experienced the kindness of Jesus on a daily basis. I want harshness in any form to give way to gentleness and my tendency to act in ways that hurt myself or others to give way to self control. And, for peace to reign in my heart regardless of my circumstances. Yes, I want a better version of me. 


For Christ followers, that better us is not only possible and within reach, it is the direct gift and work of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)." These qualities that make for a better us are a direct derivative of our relationship with Jesus. As we focus on our relationship with Him, this fruit is a natural result in our lives. When I say I want to be a gentler, kinder, version of me, what I am really longing for is more of the Holy Spirit in my life. 


What is interesting about the Spirit's fruit is that it is the opposite of  our natural self which is self centered and selfish. These qualities which come directly from God to us are other centric and directly mirror the graciousness that God has for us - undeserved as it is. In fact, the best way to understand what these qualities look like in real life is to read the Gospels and meditate on the life of Jesus. My greatest desire would be that people look at me and say, "He is like Jesus." That, by the way is the Holy Spirit's plan for our lives as well. Thus He shares His character with us.


We can be proactive in this process. Paul reminds us that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other (Galatians 5:24-26)." The more we walk with the Spirit, the more of His character becomes our character. The old swapped for the new!


The greatest gifts we could give one another this Christmas, and every day, are the fruit of the Spirit in our words, actions, interactions and attitudes. In doing so, we become Jesus to one another and give what all of us desperately need. In the process, we become a better version of us, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.

Abuse in the church - when the bully is the pastor

As I watch the news of Penn State and Syracuse the thought that keeps running through my mind is "why did otherwise reasonable people either ignore, give a pass or not confront behaviors which it now seems were egregiousness and serious? There are probably several reasons: the perpetrators had power; people didn't want to assume that these upstanding citizens could be doing these things, and a simple failure of courage! 

Let's take that same question and apply it to the church! Why do pastors get away with behaviors that would otherwise be forbidden  even in the secular workplace? Here are some of the behaviors I have observed over the past 20 years of consulting with local churches and I am talking about evangelical churches here.

• Pastors whose insecurities cause them to divide people into two camps. Those who agree with them and are therefor their friends and those who disagree with them and are therefore their enemies. Enemies are ignored, shunted to the side and marginalized. How does that square with loving the flock?
• Pastors who use threats to get their way. Threats as blatant as "I could fire you if you don't do this" or "I will resign if you push me on this." "I don't care if I get zero votes on a confidence vote, I am not leaving and will take the church down with me if I have to."
• Pastors who use inappropriate sexual language or touch and even flirting with the opposite sex in both public places and private situations (counseling).
• Pastors who are intimidated by other strong leaders (who are seen as a threat to their leadership) and make it hard for them to serve in the church.
• Pastors who are unaccountable with their time. When they are away from the church, no staff members has any idea as to where they are or how to reach them.
• Pastors who will not allow their boards to speak into their lives, specific situations that have occurred, conduct executive sessions of the board or give them an annual review. This sends a loud message, "I don't have to be accountable to you."
• Pastors who hire staff without due diligence, don't mentor or coach them on a regular basis and fire them if they become a threat to them or don't perform to their standards. This is a user mentality toward people.
• Pastors who leave their church angry, deliberately dividing the congregation on their way out.
• Pastors who triangulate relationships to form alliances against others whether other staff members, board members or congregants. Not only wrong but a sign of poor emotional intelligence.
• Pastors who will take credit for any advance and find scapegoats for any failure.
• Pastors who use their "God given authority" to lead as they see fit. After all they are "God's anointed." Again, this ignores accountability and shared leadership.
• Pastors who speak ill of board members or congregants even as they become angry if they hear of either group criticizing them. 

Fortunately, the vast majority of pastors I work with are wonderful individuals who are deeply committed Christ followers and models of Christian leadership. But when I see behaviors that are out of the pale and ignored, as they were with Penn State and Syracuse, I have to ask myself why? I understand the unregenerate behavior but I don't understand those surrounding the situation who allow it to continue. Where is the board? Where are members of the congregation who see and are grieved? 

Often pastors who exhibit these characteristics are simply bullies. They get in the face of anyone who tries to speak to their behaviors which is why boards often back off. But why should a board back off and since when do bullies qualify to be pastors of a local church? I think of the qualifications for elders and deacons in the New Testament and the further comments of Peter on the matter and wonder why we allow behaviors that are so contrary to both New Testament teaching and the model of Jesus. 

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

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