Great leadership advice from Rudyard Kipling's "If."

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

Rudyard Kipling

My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Real life in Liberia under Ebola: Please pray

Guest post from David Kiamu in Liberia

On Sunday morning, as I drove off to church, I stopped by the home of my pastor friend who had lost his wife to Ebola just in the last one week. My friend sat outside his house with his head in his hands as if he was praying. He was actually weeping instead. I knew then that things were not that good. 

Naturally, my habit had been, jump out of the car, come to my brother, and hold him for a time of prayer. This time, I stopped my car, opened the door, but never had the strength to get out of the car. My friend realized I could not come near to him for a touch, and prayer, but I said a prayer for him sitting in my car.

Up to this point, my friend had lost to Ebola, his mother in law, his sister in law, the husband of his sister in law, and in the last one week, his own dear wife. My friend knew I love him, for we have been a great partner in ministry for for a while, but at this point, holding him for prayer was not something I could do.

Everyone in our neighborhood was aware that Ebola was now living with this family.  I knew this was not a good time to hug my friend for some powerful Pentecostal prayer. I wanted to, but it was difficult. My friend began to feel abandoned, and he cried the more. He said to me " Dave, I know we cannot touch each other now, but just pray. I am a servant of God, I am now 52, and I have preached his word for most part of my life. Just pray, and call an ambulance to take me to an Ebola treatment center, I think, I am ill".  I called an ambulance, prayed a silent prayer, never got out to hug my friend, and I drove to church. I was scheduled to preach at our new church plant called Life Chapel. 

Throughout the sermon, I cried, and so did the congregation. We cried because we all had experiences of seeing loved ones dying without the power to do something about it. In a culture where shaking hands, hugging, and kissing are ways  to show love and care, not being able to do so is painful. 

This is life in Liberia. We watch love ones die with no power to show them we love them. Then when we think of the burials in mass graves of loved ones we would have loved to bury in a culturally acceptable way, the idea of burning the bodies before throwing them in a mass grave is even more disheartening. But this is life in Liberia now. Pray for Liberia.

Dave

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All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

One of the largest mistakes pastors make when they come into a new church. It can be fatal

One of the largest mistakes pastors make when they come into a new church is to make too many changes too quickly and without adequate process. In doing so, the coinage they started out with due to high expectations of the congregation diminishes greatly and may even be fatal. It also reveals a deep lack of sensitivity to congregants who feel their church was hijacked by the vision of one at the expense of the vision of the whole.

In most cases, changes are needed when a congregation reinvisions itself with a new leader. That is not the issue. The issue is how it is done and at what expense and with what process.

Think of the message congregants hear when a new leader brings major change quickly. They hear that the past was of no value, that their efforts and energy over the years has been discounted and devalued and this is compounded when new pastors publicly say things like "I wouldn't want to come to church in a facility like this." Or "we need vision." All that and more might be true but the message it sends is that the past has not accounted for much of anything. 

Think of the feeling of congregants when services are suddenly changed, ABF's taken away or other major changes to staff and programming seemingly unilaterally made. Their church has been stolen! It is how it feels. And it is all the more painful when adequate discussion and process has not been run but it just happens. Note to new pastors: feelings and perceptions matter both because we are in the people business and because we will lose our followers and ability to lead if we unnecessarily disenfranchise our people.  Another note to new pastors: This is not your church, it is our church so can we have a conversation about this together?

Here are key principles that pastors should pay attention to when coming into a new ministry setting.

• If you envision the future at the expense of the past you have just devalued those who were responsible for making the church what it is today.
• It is not your church but our church so it is not just your vision that matters but a common vision that we can all buy into.
• Wait at least a year to make major changes. You might learn a few things along the way and earn some relational credits that will allow you to manage change better. Why the huge hurry? It is not about you but about the church as a whole.
• When you do make changes, ensure that you run process, process, process. This will include conversation, dialogue, and more conversation and dialogue. People in general are change adverse and need to be brought with you.
• Be gracious. Understand the feelings of people, empathize with the pain of change, shepherd them through the change.
• Just because something is not organized the way your would organize it does not mean it is not working. Find out what is working and how to make it better and pace the change so that people can keep up.
• The people who are in the church when you come matter. One needs to be as concerned for them as for the "target audience" that many new pastors have in mind. Another way to devalue those who are there is to talk about the target audience to the exclusion of those already in the congregation.

To many new pastors think it is their job to fix all the broken things in the congregation they come to. First we need to love people and see what needs fixing. If we fix and change at the expense of loving and shepherding we go the sequence wrong. And likely what it means to pastor a church.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Why do we tolerate bad behaviour in the church?

Here is an interesting question: Why do we tolerate what is just plain bad behavior in our churches? It can be abusive pastors, church leaders who misuse their authority, those with power in the congregation or Uncle Joe who is just obnoxious. In some cases the behaviors are so ingrained that it becomes the culture of the congregation.

It is interesting to me that we will label bad theology for what it is but not bad behavior and  yet bad behavior is just as toxic as bad theology. And in evangelical circles, far more prevalent.

One of the keys to fighting bad behavior and habits in the church is to build a culture that is intentionally healthy. One need not focus on the negative but on a culture that is God honoring. Henry Cloud is right in his observation that "leaders get what they create or allow" (Boundaries for Leaders). If we don't create an alternative culture we simply get the amalgamation of "what is" and "what is" is often not very healthy.

The second part of his statement is just as important. When we allow problematic behaviors we will get them. If we are clear about what is honoring to God and what we don't do in our congregation we will get far less of the problematic. When was the last time in your congregation someone was kindly told that their behaviors are not acceptable? 

In this regard, "Christian nice" is not helpful. It is like Minnesota nice were we skirt important issues rather than address them. The Apostle Paul was pretty clear on behaviors that are healthy and those that are not (see Ephesians and Colossians). In the book of Ephesians in particular he describes a preferred culture and is clear about what is not acceptable. 

Creating a healthy culture is very possible. My book, Leading From the Sandbox addresses how to do this. Remember, we get what we create or allow.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Passive aggressive behavior is organizational guerrilla warfare

Guerrilla warfare is unconventional warfare, hard to anticipate and contain as it operates in the shadows but pops into the the light from time to time. The same is true of passive aggressive behavior within organizations. It is a way of quietly subverting something or someone in the shadows and behind the scenes while portraying an attitude of cooperation. This is why I have elsewhere called the behavior a form of dishonesty. It portrays one thing and actually does another.

Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms. It can include delaying tactics on things that others need to be done, not communicating key pieces of information that others need, being supportive in person and unsupportive behind the scenes with others, ignoring standard processes, not keeping promises, and other behaviors that are meant to prick or hurt an individual or a group that they don't like or have a bone to pick with. But, it is done in the shadows where it is hard for others to hold them accountable.

I once was the target of such an individual who delayed their response, didn't tell me they needed additional information so they could fulfill their obligation and used less than gracious wording in their communications so that it sent a message but was not overtly over the line. The individual obviously meant to send me a message through their actions and I got it loud and clear. It was subtle but effective. I had no desire to further work with that individual and instead dealt with their supervisor and not them (they don't work for me).

Why does this matter? It matters for two reasons. First, passive aggressive individuals are telling you through their behavior that they are not truly with you. In other words you have someone who says they are on the team but in reality they are not. Their heart is not there or they have a bone to pick with leadership but either way they are not truly on your team. You have an obvious lack of alignment.

Second, if you consider the behaviors above, they hurt the work of whatever team they are on by being like sludge in the works. Their lack of active cooperation inevitably gets in the way of what the team or organization is trying to do. It hurts the team and the organization.

How do you deal with passive aggressive individuals? In my experience the first thing to do is to address the unacceptable behaviors when they occur. If there is a pattern of those behaviors, keep track of them and with a passive aggressive individual there will be a pattern. At some point the pattern of behavior can be addressed.

Because this is guerrilla warfare that operates from the shadows. in some cases you simply allow the individual enough rope to hang themselves since ongoing behaviors like this will eventually irritate enough people that you can act on them. You cannot go to motives but you can hold people accountable for their behaviors.

If you suspect you have passive aggressive behaviors going on in your organization, keep an eye on it as it could hurt you, your team or the organization itself. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner

One of the observations I have made in working with churches who are experiencing conflict is that we generally don't do it very well. Conflict itself is not bad if it involves differing ideas as to how to accomplish our mission. The issue is always how we handle the conflict, or our differences. It is poor handling of differences that get us in trouble, not the differences themselves which are merely differing perspectives on what should be done. That being said, here are some principles that can help us negotiate conflict or differences in a healthy manner.

One: Disagreement and expressing that disagreement is not wrong. Some are afraid to share their opinions because they have been told that to do so is gossip. It is not. All of us have the right to share our views in the church with the caveat that we do it in a healthy manner. It is unhealthy to try to shut down discussion in the church. It is OK to talk. It OK to express our views. It is OK to differ with others.

Two: Gossip is sin. Gossip is "idle talk or rumor, especially about personal or private affairs of others" (Wikipedia). Gossip is different than sharing our opinion for it goes to the motivations or actions of others and is generally destructive in nature. Scriptures are clear that gossip is wrong. Gossip includes questioning the motives of others, passing along third party information as fact, and denigrating others. Disagreement or stating our views is not gossip, it is simply defining what we are thinking.

Three. Robust dialogue is healthy. Robust dialogue means that we can put any issue on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. There are differing views in congregations on any number of issues. It is good to talk about those things but to do so without personal attacks, hidden agendas or language that inflames rather than informs. Healthy leaders invite healthy dialogue and listen to those who speak.

Four: Unity in diversity is critical. Unity within the body of Christ is a high value in Scripture. Congregations are made up of different views, opinions, social and ethnic backgrounds but it is the Holy Spirit that binds us together as one. Each of us has the same Holy Spirit in his or her heart and that spirit is a spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, gentleness, and self control. If we live in His Spirit we can have differences and still remain united as one body. As Paul put it in Ephesians 4:3, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Five: Being able to disagree and stay in relationship is good Emotional Intelligence and demonstrates the work of the Holy Spirit. Each of us has preferences and opinions on many things in the church. What we want to be able to do is to state those positions but remain in fellowship and friendship with those who hold a differing position. This is not always easy but it is Biblical.

Six: By extension, marginalizing or demonizing those who disagree with us is bad Emotional Intelligence and does not reflect the Holy Spirit. It is one thing to disagree with someone. It is another to believe that they are bad people because they believe differently and to allow our differences to shatter our relationships, trust or to see them as evil. This does not reflect the will of the Holy Spirit.

Seven: Taking on the offense of others is foolish and wrong.My best friend has an issue with someone in the church so out of friendship I take up their offense and allow their issue to become my issue. This is foolish and wrong because I have allowed my friend to alienate me from others when I have no personal reason to do so. Nor can I resolve an issue that is not my issue. It happens in families and congregations and it contributes to greater conflict.

Eight: The church is the Bride of Christ and therefore we must display the attitude of Christ toward one another even when we differ from one another. The church is not like any other organization for it is the Bride of Jesus and His chosen instrument to reach the world. We of all people need to be His people in good times and in hard times. Paul writes in Philippians 2:4, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." 

Nine: Forgiveness is often needed when we have conflict. We need not apologize for having differing views and perspectives but we do need to apologize when our words, attitudes or actions get the best of us and we say or do things that are not pleasing to God. I have often had to apologize in times of conflict. God is pleased when we keep short accounts and forgive those who need forgiveness and seek forgiveness when we need it.

Ten: Pray diligently! When we focus on ourselves we want to be right and win. When we focus on God we start to see those who differ with us in a different light and desire God to win. In prayer, our hearts are often softened and changed, our humility is increased and our desire for a Godly solution is heightened.

There will be conflict this side of heaven. Lets do all we can to handle it well.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Roger Goodell and why doing the right thing at the right time matters

A picture of Roger Goodell's press conference regarding Ray Rice

I have to admit that growing up in Hong Kong in the sixties did not translate into being a huge football fan. However, I have been watching this story with interest both from a leadership point of view on Roger Goodell's part and from a domestic violence point of view.

Roger Goodell is trying to keep his job after badly handling Ray Rice's abuse of his then fiancee. In July Goodell suspended running back Ray Rice for two games for knocking her out with a punch in an elevator. Then, when people responded in anger he announced a domestic violence policy punishment of six games and then banned Rice indefinitely. 

Unfortunately there have been many instances of domestic abuse in the NFL and the response from the league has been less than consistent. Goodell's handling of the Rice Affair, however, revealed both a failure of leadership and a terrible insensitivity toward one of society's largest problems, domestic abuse.

On the leadership side, one generally gets one chance to get it right in a crisis like Goodell faced. That is why wise leaders don't do what Goodell did and make a decision by themselves. They consult others. Further they think about who is impacted by their decision. It would seem that Goodell chose the economics of football over the hundreds of thousands of victims of domestic abuse who saw his two game suspension to be a farce. To make matters worse he compounded his leadership failure by a second and then third change of mind. He failed at a critical juncture of his leadership and probably should not keep his job.

On the subject of domestic abuse. What Goodell did reflects the deep insensitivity of many toward how men treat women in our world. Abuse is never, never OK and yet here it is treated as a trivial matter by a leader of one of the most well known sports leagues in America. How can that be in 2014? With a slap on the hand life (read football) was to go on as normal. Fortunately society said "no!" and forced him to change his mind. Even then he didn't get it and society said "no" again. No one gets a pass when they mistreat their spouse! People put pressure on sponsors who responded with pulling their promotions and finally forcing the league to take notice.

Goodell did not even get his press conference right, arriving fifteen minutes late and poorly trying to explain his actions. Leaders need to do the right thing at the right time and in cases like this you get one chance to get it right. 

My new book, Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.