Do you have guerrilla warfare in your organization?

Guerrilla warfare is unconventional and hard to anticipate and contain as it operates in the shadows but pops into the light from time to time. The same is true of passive-aggressive behavior within organizations. It is a way of quietly subverting something or someone in the shadows and behind the scenes while portraying an attitude of cooperation. This is why I have elsewhere called the behavior a form of dishonesty. It portrays one thing and actually does another.

Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms. It can include delaying tactics on things that others need to be done, not communicating key pieces of information that others need, being supportive in person and unsupportive behind the scenes with others, ignoring standard processes, not keeping promises, and other behaviors that are meant to prick or hurt an individual or a group that they don't like or have a bone to pick with. But, it is done in the shadows where it is hard for others to hold them accountable.

I once was the target of such an individual who delayed their response, didn't tell me they needed additional information to fulfill their obligation, and used less than gracious wording in their communications so that it sent a message but was not overtly over the line. The individual obviously meant to send me a message through their actions, and I got it loud and clear. It was subtle but effective. I had no desire to further work with that individual and instead dealt with their supervisor and not them (they don't work for me).

Why does this matter? It matters for two reasons. First, passive-aggressive individuals tell you through their behavior that they are not truly with you. In other words, you have someone who says they are on the team, but in reality, they are not. Their heart is not there, or they have a bone to pick with leadership, but either way, they are not truly on your team. You have an obvious lack of alignment.

Second, if you consider the behaviors above, they hurt the work of whatever team they are on by putting, as it were, sludge in the works. Their lack of active cooperation inevitably gets in the way of what the team or organization is trying to do. It hurts the team and the organization.

How do you deal with passive-aggressive individuals? In my experience, the first thing to do is to address the unacceptable behaviors when they occur. If there is a pattern of those behaviors, keep track of them, and with a passive-aggressive individual, there will be a pattern. At some point, the pattern of behavior can be addressed.

Because this is guerrilla warfare that operates from the shadows. in some cases, you simply allow the individual enough rope to hang themselves since ongoing behaviors like this will eventually irritate enough people that you can act on them. You cannot go to motives but hold people accountable for their behaviors.

If you suspect you have passive-aggressive behaviors in your organization, keep an eye on it, as it could hurt you, your team, or the organization itself. 

Passive aggressive behavior is organizational guerrilla warfare

Guerrilla warfare is unconventional warfare, hard to anticipate and contain as it operates in the shadows but pops into the the light from time to time. The same is true of passive aggressive behavior within organizations. It is a way of quietly subverting something or someone in the shadows and behind the scenes while portraying an attitude of cooperation. This is why I have elsewhere called the behavior a form of dishonesty. It portrays one thing and actually does another.

Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms. It can include delaying tactics on things that others need to be done, not communicating key pieces of information that others need, being supportive in person and unsupportive behind the scenes with others, ignoring standard processes, not keeping promises, and other behaviors that are meant to prick or hurt an individual or a group that they don't like or have a bone to pick with. But, it is done in the shadows where it is hard for others to hold them accountable.

I once was the target of such an individual who delayed their response, didn't tell me they needed additional information so they could fulfill their obligation and used less than gracious wording in their communications so that it sent a message but was not overtly over the line. The individual obviously meant to send me a message through their actions and I got it loud and clear. It was subtle but effective. I had no desire to further work with that individual and instead dealt with their supervisor and not them (they don't work for me).

Why does this matter? It matters for two reasons. First, passive aggressive individuals are telling you through their behavior that they are not truly with you. In other words you have someone who says they are on the team but in reality they are not. Their heart is not there or they have a bone to pick with leadership but either way they are not truly on your team. You have an obvious lack of alignment.

Second, if you consider the behaviors above, they hurt the work of whatever team they are on by being like sludge in the works. Their lack of active cooperation inevitably gets in the way of what the team or organization is trying to do. It hurts the team and the organization.

How do you deal with passive aggressive individuals? In my experience the first thing to do is to address the unacceptable behaviors when they occur. If there is a pattern of those behaviors, keep track of them and with a passive aggressive individual there will be a pattern. At some point the pattern of behavior can be addressed.

Because this is guerrilla warfare that operates from the shadows. in some cases you simply allow the individual enough rope to hang themselves since ongoing behaviors like this will eventually irritate enough people that you can act on them. You cannot go to motives but you can hold people accountable for their behaviors.

If you suspect you have passive aggressive behaviors going on in your organization, keep an eye on it as it could hurt you, your team or the organization itself. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The courage to have a direct conversation

It takes courage to have a direct and candid conversation with someone that we have a difference with. Too often, rather than speaking directly we speak to others hoping that they will influence or set straight those we have an issue with. It does not work! Rather it creates even more misunderstanding and chaos than if we had simply sat down to dialogue with the other individual.

If I have an issue with another individual it is my responsibility to deal directly with them, or they with me. Avoidance creates more distance and asking others to deal with it for us is a lack of courage. Hoping the issue will just go away is wishful thinking. It is a Matthew 18 thing!

I spoke to a pastor today who had been dealing with a number of elders who were at odds with him. He had avoided direct discussion of the issues for a number of years hoping that he could build the bridges necessary for resolution. It did not work. When he finally addressed the individuals directly they decided that they no longer wanted to serve in church leadership and for the first time in many years he has a unified and aligned group of leaders. Everything changed, but not before he had the courage to have a direct conversation and address the real issues.

We can run from a barking dog, hide from a barking dog or walk toward a barking dog. Today I do the last! I may not get agreement or resolution (the ideal) but at least I will get clarity and have done my part to deal with the relational disconnect. What I will not do is ignore the issues, hide from them or hope someone else will solve them for me. 

Jesus was always direct. He spoke with grace and truth but he did not dodge issues that were in front of Him. Neither should we.  Is there someone you need to have a conversation with?

Eleven things that discourage pastors and Christian leaders

Board members and congregants and staff seem to find it easy to criticize their pastor or leader. After all he works for them. As a former pastor and one who consults with pastors regularly I would suggest that there are a number of things that bring major discouragement to your pastor. 

1. Bringing a major issue up on Sunday after your pastor has preached. Most non-preachers don't understand how much energy goes into a Sunday message. Unless there is an emergency, Sunday is the wrong day to dump issues on your pastor. So is Monday when  he is recovering from Sunday. For most of us weekends are just regular days. Not so for your pastor.

2. Professional critics. Now I am a firm believer that we ought to be able to talk about any issue but I am most likely to listen carefully to who I know have my best interests in mind. There are people who believe that their spiritual gift is to criticize others, especially pastors. While your pastor may choose to respond graciously it does not mean that he is not hurt deeply by a constant barrage of criticism. 

3. Anonymous letters. I have a rule. If a letter is anonymous I will not read it. If someone does not have the guts to reveal who they are why should I listen to their counsel (actually it is rarely counsel but critical feedback).

4. Passive aggressive individuals. These are those who say one thing to one's face and then do the opposite behind one's back. As I have said previously, this is not only a form of dishonesty but it requires a lot of time and energy when that behavior causes conflict in relationships and in the church. 

5. Passing on information from anonymous sources and refusing to reveal where the information comes from. Comments like "Many people feel this way" without naming who feels that way leaves a pastor in an impossible position. I for one, will not have a conversation with anyone who comes with this kind of information if they are not willing to reveal the source. I cannot evaluate the information without knowing the source and some sources I will discount immediately because they are professional critics.

6. Power brokers. These are people who use power to get their way rather than through the normal channels of leadership. They try to win by intimidation or threats. As a leader I ask them to please  share their issues with my leadership group which immediately causes them to back off. They don't like accountability but want to force their way behind the scenes.

7. Legalists. These are professional pharisees who believe that everyone should see life and Christian practices (most of them are not Christian practices) their way. There is much in the Christian life that is grey and where we are to follow our conscience. Legalists want people to live in their bondage (see Galatians) rather than in the freedom of Jesus.

8. Sharing issues about you with others rather than with you personally. I invite any who have issues with me to talk to me. It is gossip, passive aggressive behavior, destructive and cowardly to talk to others about a leader when they have not talked to the leader themselves. It also is unbiblical (see Matthew 18).

9. Staff who go around them to complain to board members. This is not only bad governance but it hurts the ability of a leader to lead. Furthermore, the board member gets only one side of the story. If a staff member feels that there is a moral issue at stake he or she should ask for a meeting with the pastor and the church chair so there can be a real conversation without violating the chain of supervision.

10. Those who want their church to look like the church they left. Here is an irony. Many people leave a church unhappy but their version of church is the one they left. Every church is unique. Your present church will never be your former church, for better or for worse. Suggestions are great when make in the right spirit. Your pastor does not pastor your former church but your current church.

11. Church leaders who don't keep confidences. What is said in a board room belongs there and no where else. Those who violate board procedures and agreements kill trust for the rest of the board.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Discerning the voice behind the voices

Consider a common scenario. You are a ministry leader and you are receiving significant push back from one or more individuals either personally or you are hearing common themes being discussed with others which find their way back to you secondhand (the passive aggressive way to deal with conflict).

As a rule there are two things I want to know. First, who is pushing back and second, who is the voice behind the voices when there are common themes being raised.

When there are rumblings in your ministry and people tell you that there are discontented folks the first question is "who are they?" In fact, I will generally not have a conversation with people who tell me there is discontent in the ranks unless they will tell me who is involved. 

Why? Because there are people who I know that are continually discontented with where we are going, who have attitudes that are critical and cynical and who I know are not really on the team. The fact that they are sources of discontent neither surprises me nor am I going to spend time and energy trying to change their attitudes. On the other hand if the source of discontent is a healthy staff member I am going to press into that to see what can be done to resolve the issue.

There is another scenario that is all too common: you start to hear common themes in a common language which tells one that there is a voice behind the voices who is spreading discontent. The best passive aggressive people are smart. They will not tell you upfront what their issues are but they will tell others who are prone to becoming enmeshed with them emotionally and who will take on their crusade. They are like arsonists who light fires with others behind the scenes but when you show up they are never there to take responsibility. Rather, they use others to carry their water while they remain hidden in the shadows.

Here is what you want to understand in this situation. Those who are loud voices may not be the ones who are instigating the critical spirits. Common language, common complaints, and common attitudes usually indicate that there is a common source. Thus to deal with the situation you must find the common source. 

Here is where Christians are often naive. We believe that God's people will act with integrity when in fact they often don't. Jesus told us to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Often when asked by church leaders about scenarios like this I will do some probing and it is not difficult to figure out who the common source is. Once that is determined it is possible to develop a strategy to deal with him or her.

Remember: common language, common complaints and common attitudes usually indicate that there is a common source. Figure out who the voice is behind the voices and you have a shot at dealing with the snake in the grass.

Passive aggressive behavior is a prime form of dishonesty

Passive aggressive behavior is something all of us should be conscious of and ensure that we don't engage in it. Unfortunately it is all too common and is in my view a prime form of dishonesty.

It is dishonesty because the one engaging in this behavior says one thing to your face - usually indicating assent and agreement or cordiality while in reality they don't mean it. And, to others they may express just the opposite or simply do exactly what they indicated to you they would not do. That is dishonesty. It is also cowardice because they are unwilling to simply tell yo that they don't agree - which could lead to a constructive dialogue and some level of understanding. Instead they essentially lie about what they actually feel and undermine you behind your back.

What is crazy making about passive aggressive behavior is that it is duplicity but a duplicity that is very hard to address because the problematic behaviors are engaged in with others or when you are not present. This is particularly sad among Christians in ministry whose yes should be yes and whose no should be no. It is no less dishonesty than stealing from one's employer or lying on one's tax return. It is dishonest - period.

It may take courage but stating one's position openly and honestly (hopefully with diplomacy) is critical to healthy relationships. The ability to state what one thinks even when it goes against the grain is a sign of healthy EQ. At least at that point there is the possibility of a discussion even if agreement cannot be reached. Not stating it and acting passive aggressively leaves no room for discussion but creates chaos in relationships which is what dishonesty by definition does. The irony is that after a season, the fact that one does not agree (even if one will not admit it) becomes evident in their behaviors.

As a leader I respect those who state their opinions diplomatically even when they disagree with mine. I have no respect for those who lie to me and then engage in passive aggressive behaviors. It is not honest and it is duplicitous.