Reframing the Question

It is our natural default when something bad happens to us: Why? Why me? A few months ago while lying in an ICU in Bangkok on a ventilator with massive pneumonia and Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) - my second severe bout with both I asked that question. But then I was forced to ask a second question: Why not me?

The television for the two weeks of my stay was glued on CNN and their coverage of the war in Gaza. I watched the men, women and children being ferried into inadequate hospitals with inadequate medical help and was reminded how fragile our world is and life in this broken world. So why should I be exempt from that brokenness?

Job asked the "why" question and God was gracious to him but He did not answer the question. What he did say was, I am God, I am great, I have my reasons and I am with you.

In the past month I have lost three friends and the son of another friend is paralyzed from the chest down due to a skiing accident - at 17. Why? In the past year and a half I have booked 65 days in the hospital. Why?

Job discovered that God is so great that His ways are inscrutable. What does not make sense to us makes perfect sense to Him. And we are not exempt from brokenness of our broken world. So, what is the question to ask? I believe it is "what" and "how" not "why."

The first question is "how." How will I choose to respond when life is not fair and the cards dealt me are not the ones I would choose? That is not easy when the cards are tough or unfair cards. I faced that in the ICU because the odds were that I might well not survive.

In my pain and limited ability to focus I chose to hang on to the words of Jesus to the disciples: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (Matthew 14:27). Those words were my lifeline during some very long, hard painful days.

Pain and suffering are interesting friends or foes. As a friend they can drive us closer to God if we will allow them to. As a foe they can drive us from God to a life of bitterness and diminished dreams if we let them. We choose whether we see them as a friend or a foe and our choice determines the path we take after that. Those who choose the path of bitterness do so because they keep asking the "why" question. Those who choose the path of following God more closely do so because they focus on two other questions.

There is a second question worth asking: "What does God want me to learn through this?" That does not mean we deserve it, or that God is punishing us or that He wanted us to suffer. We live in a broken world and we "share in the fellowship of His sufferings" while here. But, it is also true that it is in the hardest times that we learn the greatest lessons about God, life and us. As C.S. Lewis said, "pain is God's megaphone."

I have filled a journal of lessons I learned through my 65 days in the hospital over three stints. They include his love, his grace, his sovereignty, his ability to do the miraculous in our day and many other lessons. I realize in a new way the gift that each day is and I empathize with those who suffer in a whole different way. In the end my pain was a gift that taught me lessons I would not have learned any other way.

I also know that the "why" questions will become plane on the other side of eternity. This side the question is how will I respond and what does God want to teach me. If we get that right, the "why" will all make sense in a little while!

Climbing out of a Hole

It has happened to each of us. We have dug a hole for ourselves by treating someone with lack of dignity, marginalizing them, holding bitterness or maligning them to others and our attitude and actions have hurt them and hurt ministry and possibly hurt the team with which we work. Bottom line we are in a deep hole that we need to extricate ourselves from.

Often, our first thought is "how do I get out without too much embarrassment:" Our concern is for ourselves rather than for the harm we have caused or the sin we have committed. It goes to the fallen nature of our hearts.

What we should be asking before we do anything is "How did I get here? Why did I do what I did? Was it my pride, my arrogance, my desire to get my own way? Did I not listen to others? Did I have an agenda that I was driving that got in the way of relationships, team process or the feelings of others? What sinful attitudes on my part contributed to what I did? Am I harboring bitterness, ill will or wrongly attributed motives toward others?"

Before we try to make the wrong right, we need to understand our own hearts and take a hard, surgical, painful look at how we got to where we got. Most people, even when they need to make things right, sidestep this hard look - it is too painful. But without acknowledging the true and full nature of our fallenness, our sin and how we got into the hole we are in, our efforts to get out of the hole will be less than perfect. Glossing over the issues will actually hinder our efforts to make things right.

Once we have taken the hard look, we need to come completely, fully, transparently clean with those we have hurt - whether it is one person, a team, or a group. It is not enough to apologize to those we have hurt if we have also maligned them with others. That is an insincere apology. It is an apology that makes us feel better but that does not acknowledge the full extent of our wrong and to others and until we are willing to make the full wrong right, we remain guilty for the sin we have committed against others that has not been dealt with.

Real repentance is all about humility. Humility takes place when we recognize and name the full extent of our sin and resolve that sin to the full extent of our ability. When we choose not to fully come clean our pride is still ruling our hearts because our true strategy is to apologize to the extent we need to but to continue to preserve our dignity. It is a disingenuous repentance that remains committed to protecting ourselves rather than fully acknowledging what we have done to others. It is a self-focused apology.

Finally, to the extent of our ability we need to make our wrong right with those we have gossiped with, maligned others with, or divided by our sinful attitudes or actions. This is the hardest step but until this step is taken we have not made right our offense. To not do so is to make ourselves feel good (we asked for forgiveness) but to leave the results of our sin (what we have said to others about another) simmering with its painful ramifications. For now there are barriers between those we spoke to about another that remain until we make right what we made wrong.

Wise men and women make right what they have made wrong. Foolish men and women do not. One is a way of humility. The other is a way of pride. One is a way of righteousness. The other is a way of the fallen sinful nature.

Climbing out of a hole we have created is hard, but it is possible, if we will humble ourselves and do what we need to do - all of what we need to do to make it right. The hole is dark. The sunshine of freedom at the top is wonderful. There is pain in making the climb out but the freedom at the top is wonderful. And we won't want to have to make that kind of climb again

Leadership Capital: Deposits and Withdrawals

At any one time leaders have a finite amount of leadership capital in their wallet. Deposits are a whole lot better than withdrawals because when the wallet is empty it does not matter what position one has, no one is following anymore.

Deposits are made intentionally and withdrawals are usually made inadvertently.

On a personal level, leaders receive deposits when they are open and approachable, care about their staff, are consistent in their behavior, keep their promises, take ownership for their mistakes, are seen as accountable and want the very best for those who work under them.

Withdrawals come when leaders are unapproachable or defensive, do not encourage open dialogue, are not perceived to care about staff, don't keep their promises, blame others for failure, are inconsistent with their behavior or are seen as unaccountable.

Leaders who experience many withdrawals often do not even know it because they are not open enough to receive the feedback that would tip them off to those withdrawals. It often takes great courage for someone to speak the truth to them about behaviors that are causing them to lose leadership capital.
On an organizational level, leaders gain capital when they clarify ministry direction, empower staff to play to their strengths and use their gifting, resolve organizational or staff issues rather than ignore them, give others credit for success and take responsibility for failure, encourage and hold people accountable for ministry results.

They lose capital when they control rather than empower, don't deal with issues, are fuzzy about ministry direction and don't pay attention to results.
Because we often are blind to areas where we may tend to lose capital it is essential to have people who will give one feedback and who have permission to tell us when withdrawals are being made. I have people that I trust who are always free to tip me off when inadvertent withdrawals are taking place that I would not have recognized myself.

It is an interesting exercise to ask trusted colleagues what actions cause withdrawals and what actions cause deposits. You might be surprised by what you learn.

As noted in the previous blog, paying attention to what is going on around us is important to understanding where one stands with deposits and withdrawals.

There are times when a leader makes a conscious decision to address an issue that he or she knows will involve a withdrawal because it is not popular. Popularity is not the goal, respect is. But, in order to make a withdrawal one has to have capital in the bank. Too many withdrawals and not enough deposits will eventually erode the ability of a leader to lead.

Key decisions that require withdrawals need to be considered carefully. If there is not enough capital - and one knows that the decision will therefore be problematic, wise leaders wait until the capital is present. Timing is as important as the decision itself. Poor timing without enough capital will make it more difficult to move forward later.

Leaders who are intentional in building their leadership capital have the greatest opportunity to maneuver because there is a bank account of good will and trust. What is in your bank account?