Emotional Voyeurism and Pseudo Discipling

There are people who under the guise of spiritual formation and "community" encourage others to bare their deepest secrets to them. I am not talking about trained counselors here but good intentioned individuals who believe that unless all is on the table and out in the open there cannot be growth. They set themselves up as the spiritual coach who can guide the process and encourage people to peel  back the layers of their psyche to them.

In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.

These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy.  Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix.  Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.

Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.

Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.

Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.

Develop, Empower and Release

As ministry leaders we love to release people into ministry and we should – that is the heart of Ephesians 4:12. The question comes as to how and when we do this in ways that are helpful to others and not harmful. I believe that the answer can be found in the concept of Develop, Empower and Release.

But first, There are some common mistakes made by those who lead others in terms of their training and releasing. Let me suggest three:

• Just releasing people to do their thing in the name of empowerment. While empowerment is wonderful, empowerment without training, development and coaching is to set up people to fail – and to hurt the church or organization they serve with.

• Never releasing people under the guise of “they are not ready.” In this scenario, we never really release because they don’t have the same training as we do or would not be as effective as we think we are.

• Development in the form of academic training only. Here we think of training of more theology (not bad), leadership theory (not bad) but short on hands on ministry experience.

All three of these errors contribute to disappointing results with those we are raising up and releasing in ministry. I believe there is another way: that of developing, empowering and releasing others. This was the pattern of Christ and of Paul and it is one that we could learn again from today.

Development is about helping others understand how they are wired and gifted, spending quality time with them in ministry, dialoguing and sharing our lives in a serious way. It includes modeling ministry, modeling the life of a disciple, training and mentoring in the things of God and the life of a believer. This is best done in relationship or in community where discussion and dialogue are possible (think of Christ with his disciples) and where they are challenged to follow God seriously and invest their lives in ministry. Even in this stage we are inviting people to use their gifts but in an informal way in their homes, neighborhoods and circles of influence. 

Empowerment only comes after development has been part of the picture. Empowerment is inviting people into ministry under our direction or coaching in ways that are appropriate to their readiness and gifting. It comes when we believe someone is ready to put some of their training into practice. This was Paul when he asked Timothy to take on certain assignments. It was Jesus when he sent out his disciples to heal and proclaim the good news and come back and report. It is ministry opportunity with a leash of coaching and accountability.

Empowerment is not just throwing people out on their own: it is inviting them into ministry in line with their level of maturity, under the coaching or authority of others. It is on the job training with feedback, coaching and ongoing development. Development and empowerment are not two separate phases as the development continues as we empower people to try their wings in ministry.

While developing is the first step, developing and empowering are tandem activities where increasing ministry responsibility is given as our mentee grows and develops. This was Paul’s strategy with Timothy. First Timothy traveled with him, then he started to give Timothy ministry assignments under his authority and as Timothy grew so did those assignments. If one short changes this dance of development and empowerment we run a significant risk of a ministry crash once on their own.  

Releasing is acknowledging at some point that people no longer need us in a direct way and are ready to be released out on their own. Paul developed and empowered Timothy for a number of years but the time came when he released Timothy to pastor and stood in the background to encourage him. Jesus released the disciples on his resurrection and ascension. Paul spent several years at Ephesus planting a church and training leaders and then released them to fly on their own. 

It can be hard to release because we are so vested in the development of others but at the right time it is time to let go, stand in the background, pray and encourage. It is like a parent who lets their eighteen year old fly on his or her own. They will make mistakes (as we did), they will pay dumb tax (as we did), they will face huge discouragements (as we did) and they will grow in their ministry (as we did). If we have developed and empowered, they will be ready to move forward. All the while, like Paul with Timothy or Christ through His Holy Spirit with the disciples we stand behind them cheering them on, encouraging them and providing counsel or insight as needed.

In our developing of people we will fail if we don’t pay attention to all three of these pieces of the development of individuals to the place where they can fly on their own – with a high probability of success.

One last note: For those who want to leave a legacy, the developing, empowering and releasing of people into ministry is the key. It is the 2 Timothy 2:2 principle.

Leaders in the raw

As an organizational leader I am constantly on the lookout for other potential leaders because I know that good leadership is the key to releasing a great staff. Poor leaders disempower staff while good leaders release them and make their work a joy. Sometimes, these potential leaders are young and raw (we all were at one time) but there are still some powerful markers that indicate they have the stuff to make a good leader if mentored and coached.

The challenge is that "leaders in the raw," are just that - raw! They can look arrogant to others, impetuous at times, don't finesse their language or analysis, challenge the status quo, ask a lot of questions and can be somewhat obnoxious. That is when I perk up and think, "Maybe I have a young raw leader here." Here are some of the things I look for.

• Self starters who figure out where they need to go and simply do it. 
• Those who go and find resources and people who can help them get a task done. 
• Individuals who don't complain about barriers but simply find a way to go around, over or under those barriers to achieve their goal. Rather than ask permission, they will often ask forgiveness if they run into trouble. 
• Individuals who others seem to listen to and instinctively follow. 
• Those who ask good and probing questions and display a high level of inquisitiveness. 
• Individuals who regularly challenge the status quo and ask the irritating why questions.

Young, raw, inexperienced individuals who have leadership potential or wiring can often be brash, irritating and come off as arrogant. Rather than write them off as such, realize that what you may well have is a leader in the raw who is not content with the status quo. The very things that irritate you about them may well be that leadership wiring stirring in them that if channeled and mentored could result in future leadership.

It is not unusual for leaders in the raw to even clash with those who lead them precipitating some necessary "come to Jesus meetings." It is, frankly, the very fact that they are flexing their leadership wiring (even if in an undisciplined way) that causes some disruption. I did that plenty of times as a young, raw leader. Rather than simply writing them off - start a dialogue to see if what you have is a leader in the raw rather than simply an obnoxious individual. They may be future leaders in your organization! If they have that potential, start meeting with them to help them hone their skills, temper their words and impatience and coach them toward productive leadership roles.

Creating dialogue through questions

Good leaders learn to ask questions of those they lead in order to solicit feedback, create meaningful dialogue and help people think through issues. This is an important part of coaching and mentoring because good questions provoke thinking and the opportunity to dialogue more deeply on the issues that surface through the answers.

Often the natural inclination of leaders is to  tell rather than dialogue. The art of asking probing questions is one that is often not natural to us but can be learned. The more we do it, the better we become. Here are the kinds of questions that can provoke meaningful discussion with those we lead or supervise.

If there were one thing you could change about your job, what would it be?

How do you think our team is doing? What would make it stronger?

Where do you want to be three years from now personally and professionally?

Is there something you wish I would do differently as your supervisor?

Are there ways that I could make your job easier?

What is your greatest challenge and your greatest joy in your role?

Do you feel you are being used to your highest capacity? If not, what would you like to add to your responsibilities?

Is there anything you need from me that you are not getting?

As you think about our mission as an organization, where do you think we are doing well and where do you think we could do better?

Where do you need to push yourself for better results?

What percentage of your time are you working in your sweet spot and what percentage in your weaknesses?

Are you doing things that someone else on your team could be doing that would allow you to focus on more important issues?

Is there something you know you really need to focus on but have not found the time to do so? If yes, how can you reconfigure your time so that you can focus on that priority?

What leadership lessons have you learned in the past year?

How are you measuring results for your ministry?

What changes have you made in the past three years in how you live and work? What prompted those changes?

Do you have a mentor who speaks into your life outside of your supervisor? Who are you mentoring?

Talk to me about how you empower your team.

If you have favorite questions that generate dialogue I would love to know what they are.

Who are you investing in?

Generous living is not only about money and possessions. Generous leaders are leaders who regularly mentor and develop other leaders – especially the next generation who will be taking our place.

I think back to my early years in the pastorate where I walked through some very deep waters. I wish that there had been an older leader who would have come alongside to provide encouragement and council. It was lonely! One of my great privileges is to come alongside some of the next generation of pastors and leaders as they walk through similar challenges. This is exactly what the Apostle Paul did with Timothy and Titus as Barnabas had done for him.

We often think of legacy as what we will accomplish in this life. I think that is only one piece of the equation. I can multiply my influence and legacy by faithfully building into others, sharing lessons learned, providing perspective and hopefully helping others not to pay the dumb tax I paid along the way. Our greatest impact will not usually be what we did but the people we invested in who carried the torch further and deeper than we ever could.

The catch is that this investment in others will usually never be publicly seen. It is a quiet, behind the scenes ministry but for those who are motivated by maximizing their influence for Christ it hugely multiplies that influence. Those looking for accolades won't find it here. Those who build into others out of a humble spirit will find much joy in equipping others. 

All of us can come alongside others to encourage and provide perspective and council. I really believe that once we hit fifty (yes I have done that) one of our highest priorities is to come alongside the next generation of leaders and help them become all they can be. It is no longer about us (actually never was) but about those who are coming behind us. It is an opportunity to generously give away what we have learned and to equip the next generation to take leadership and kingdom impact to a higher level than we did or could. It is one of the best investments we can ever make.

From Leader to Partner in Global Missions

One of the most profound and healthiest shifts in the mission world today is the shift from western missionaries being the leader to being a partner. This shift comes in part from the changing nature of missions with potential local partners being found almost everywhere in the world. But it also signals a shift toward greater kingdom thinking and maturity away from the model of colonial power and paternalism to fellow colleagues in ministry.

There is a good reason that many traditional mission agencies have changed their names. Ours went from the Evangelical Free Church of America International Mission to ReachGlobal. Now our friends and partners are not joining an American mission but a family of ReachGlobal partners. The name change sent a powerful message to our global friends that it was “us together” and in some cases they formed their own local brand to cooperate with the larger brand. So, ReachAfrica was born as an indigenous sending agency to cooperate with ReachGlobal. Many mission name changes actually reflect more profound philosophical shifts from leader to partner.

As partners, western missionaries no longer unilaterally make ministry decisions but seek to build a local team that together decides strategy. Their team may be made up of themselves and local believers and it also may include missionaries from other parts of the world so that it is “all people” reaching “all people.” The emphasis though is on working with local believers (partners) to determine the needs and the specific role that missionaries from the west can fulfill in helping their partners multiply healthy churches, do evangelism and leadership training. In many places, our role today is equipping, coaching, mentoring and training of partners and true “co laborers” for the harvest.

Another key role is one that we have had significant experience in – the sending of missionaries. This is one of the amazing legacies of the church in the west over the past several hundred years and that passion for reaching the world needs to be passed on to every Christian movement everywhere. It is thrilling to see movements in the majority world taking up the mantle of missions themselves and it is an indication of their growing maturity because no movement is mature without sending their own. Because we have long experience in sending, we can encourage, mentor, train and facilitate the sending missionaries by our global partners. True leverage takes place when those we serve become mission sending movements themselves.

This new role also entails a new skill set for missionaries. They are no longer primarily individual producers “doing” things but are now increasingly coaches of others, developers of others, and focusing on developing, empowering and releasing healthy, missional local leaders who can in the end do what they do better than we can. This is moving from the front to the back in the sense that we are not the leaders but those who raise up local leaders, stand behind them and partner with them. This role is no different than the role spelled out in Ephesians 4:12 where God gave leaders to the church to equip the people for works of ministry. Nor is it different than what we want from staff in the local church – not to do ministry for us but to raise up people who are also passionate about that ministry, build teams and multiply ourselves.

This requires a new posture of humility on the part of those who go today. We go to serve. We go as partners. We go to raise others up. We go to serve in many ways behind the scenes. Our job is truly to develop, empower and release others and to cheer them on. It is to raise up other leaders who will take ownership for missions in their city, region, country and continent. It is in the spirit of Christ who came, poured himself into the disciples and then at His ascension gave his ministry away to those whom he had trained. He multiplied himself through others as a servant leader.

A profound shift is taking place today in missions. Those agencies who understand and embrace this shift will see their influence broaden even as they move from leaders to partners.There have always been western missionaries who modeled this attitude but it has not always been the ethos of missions in the colonial or post colonial era. Agencies that take this ethos seriously will be the leading mission influencers in the future and will make the deepest impact.

Presence

Our greatest influence will come through our personal interactions with others. Distant and unapproachable leaders may look impressive (for a while) but they will not have the kind of deep influence that a present and approachable leaders has. Our greatest influence is life on life and that requires relationship, time with others and shared work or life.



Through high school I had contact with Dr. Walter Kaiser as he mentored me from a distance in theology and the Old Testament. I admired him greatly but did not know him well. Then, as his teaching assistant at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School I saw him almost daily for four years when school was in session. I was in his home and saw his interactions with his family. I was in a small group with him and students in my cohort. I watched him deal with the many challenges he faced as the Dean of the Seminary. I saw the authentic, honest, unvarnished and transparent Dr. Kaiser and his life rubbed off on mine in a powerful way. Most of all I saw his amazing heart for God and desire to influence the world for Christ. He gave me an amazing gift, one that I can never repay in allowing me into his life and I was changed because of it.


People who want to have deep influence have a commitment to other people. They love people and are willing to invest in them. While I am by nature more of an introvert than an extrovert much of my life is spend with key individuals who are my colleagues and whom I desire to influence. My writing is merely an extension of that time with people where the real lessons are learned and the deepest influence takes place. This is where the power of transparency is at its best.


Since high school I have practiced the discipline of spending quality time with a select number of individuals – usually around ten at a time – and continue to do so to this day. These may be formal mentoring relationships or often informal where time together, dialogue, and discussion allow life on life influence. Sometimes it is fairly one way, sometimes two way. These are individuals that I believe God desires me to have influence on for a season. In some cases they are fairly young, in others, middle age or older.


One of the mistakes in the western world as it relates to spiritual transformation is to focus on class room teaching or reading. While these can be valuable pieces of the equation, the reality is that the most powerful growth and transformation is life on life rather than primarily classroom. That is why Jesus lived with twelve disciples, dialogued with them, did ministry with them and even sent them on their own for special ministry. But his influence was one of presence with them rather than simply through his teaching. It was life influencing life.


I was influenced by Dr. Kaiser through his preaching and mentoring from a distance but I was profoundly influenced when I had personal contact with him over a period of four years. What people see in us, what they discuss with us, what happens when we invite them into our lives is far more profound than any classroom experience.


At fifty four years old I know that my deepest influence will be through a new generation of leaders whom I can have a part in developing. These are national leaders from around the world as well as those from this country. It has become one of my four key priorities and it takes place first through presence so that I can invite them into my life. Once there is presence and a relationship there can be ongoing mentoring face to face or from a distance.


What is interesting about presence is that we don’t know how God is going to rub off on others. Often someone will say to me, “Do you know what I remember about our time together?” When I say “What?” they will relate some facet of a conversation that I don’t even remember. The Holy Spirit had been working just where they needed encouragement or a word and I had no clue at the time – but that is the magic of life on life interaction.


Because time is precious I think and pray about who I choose to invest in personally through my presence. I want to develop other deep influence individuals who will in turn do the same. At its heart this is about transparency and inviting others into my life.

Personal Development

One of the key distinctions of people of deep influence is that they have a lifelong passion for personal and professional development. They are deeply intentional about their growth because they are driven by the desire to have influence for God. That desire motivates them to become the best me they can be. They are as intentional in this area of life as in the others we have examined.




As a young leader I thought I knew quite a lot. Today I know how much I don’t know and the number of things I am sure of are fewer – but my convictions on those things stronger.


The main enemy of ongoing development is often laziness, or choosing to settle for what is rather than what could be. When Paul talks about forgetting the past and pressing into the future, running the race as one who wants to win the prize, he is speaking the language of one who is always reaching for a way to accomplish more and is never satisfied with where they are. This is not about being driven but about being intentional for the sake of our personal and ministry influence on behalf of Christ.


Our mentors


All of us need mentors and the wisest of us have multiple mentors since no one person is capable of providing everything we need. Personally I have set of people I consider informal mentors in my life, each of whom speaks from a different but wise perspective and all of whom are people of deep influence to me.


For me, these are people who I deeply respect and trust and who I learn something from each time I am with them. They are relationships based on friendship and it is a two way relationship where iron sharpens iron. In am convinced that the quality of our friendships – and their depth – has a significant influence on who we become so I choose those friendships carefully and nurture them often.


In some cases I have a monthly phone call with another leader whom I respect and know and simply talk through mutual issues that we face. In the give and take of those conversations both of us usually leave with something new to consider. Again, it is informal and based on mutual respect and a desire to sharpen one another.


In our association of churches (the EFCA) we seek to connect leaders and pastors with one another through a list serve. It could be a list serve for pastors who lead churches of one thousand plus, or another affinity group of churches within a certain size limit. We also have a list serve for executive pastors. When one of the members of the list serve has a question or is looking for a solution to a specific problem they will put it out on the list serve and they have dozens of fellow mentors sharing their perspective or experience. Through the group process of affinity, experience is shared, solutions proposed and relationships established. Many times a good idea will simply go viral within the group because of the affinity groups list serve.


There are many ways to connect with people who deal with the kinds of issues you deal with. The key is to be intentional in making those connections.


Mentors can also be people we engage for a specific issue we are facing in our leadership, or they can be ongoing coaches for a period of time to help us through a transition or simply to help us grow in a specific area. I serve as a mentor to a number of people on a monthly or as desired basis. It is mainly about helping people think through options and to ask the right questions.


Even if it means hiring a mentor to help you grow in a specific area, if that mentor has expertise it is well worth the financial investment if it can launch one to the next level of effectiveness. We often underestimate the value of making financial investments in areas that can help us grow in a quantum rather than incremental way. People of deep influence are always thinking leverage and a coach or consultant can provide significant leverage in a short amount of time. The financial investment is small compared to the expertise and help gained.


Discerning areas of specific growth


Leaders usually have an intuitive sense about areas where they need to grow. And each of us have individual needs. Intentional development means that we don’t ignore those areas and have a plan for how we will press into them. All of us should be able to identify a handful of areas where our growth could make a significant difference in our effectiveness. Once we know what they are, we can look for ways that we can grow in one or two of those areas over the next year.


Consider asking your team from time to time what areas of growth they see for you. They know you well and asking them for feedback honors your relationship and models an open and nothing to prove/nothing to lose attitude. By your very vulnerability you will gain the respect of your team. And it gives you added credibility when you suggest to them potential areas of development. In our organization, personal development is the first and a required Key Result Area annually.

Mentoring Revisited

Yesterday I had an interesting email from the editor of our denominational magazine, EFCA Today of which I am the Executive Editor. She has been trying to elicit responses from churches regarding mentoring. Many women have responded. Few men have responded and one said, "I don't think pastors see it as their job to mentor."

That sentence caught my attention. I am thinking WOW! How can any leader not think it is their job to mentor? To be a leader and not be mentoring other leaders is an oxymoron. It is no wonder that the leadership quotient in so many churches is so low.

His other comment was that pastors did not think they had time to mentor. I don't buy that. We all have time for what is truly important to us. At any one time I am mentoring ten individuals on a regular basis.

Mentoring is one of the most strategic uses of our time - and - it is one of the most unselfish things we can do. It is giving away what God has given us in the spirit of 2 Timothy 2:2. Every church is one generation away from decline. Raising up the next generation of leaders is the only way we avoid that. And that is not simply preaching. It is influencing key people one on one.

There is another factor for anyone who wants to leave a significant legacy. I am convinced that the most powerful legacy we will ever leave are those individuals who we have raised up and equipped who in effect keep the ripples of our lives moving out on the pond of life. Real leaders give away what they have received.

I give kudos to the women of our churches who get this and do this. I am concerned if the comments above reflect reality for our pastoral leaders.

Who are you pouring your life into on a regular basis helping them become all they can be in line with how God made them?

Lessons Learned in Mentoring Young Leaders

Mentoring young leaders is a passion of mine. At fifty three, the more young leaders I can help grow, the more ripples I can make - and keep on making after I have left the leadership stage. I believe that mentoring is a stewardship responsibility of all leaders and it is one of the most unselfish investments we can make.

Mentoring young leaders is all about taking people with significant potential and helping expedite their growth through your sponsorship, attention and leadership example. A proven leader can open critical doors of opportunity, understanding and growth to a young leader which can dramatically accelerate the leadership trajectory of young leaders.

I recently reflected on some of the lessons I have learned in this process:

Look for potential not experience. Almost all job applications have an experience clause. Sometimes that is what you need. But often, what you really want is the "right stuff" in potential that can be shaped and grown. It is a thrill to hire someone who is "too young" by others standards and watch them flourish.

Look for good EQ. Good emotional intelligence is critical for a mentee because there will be plenty of opportunities when they will need to receive honest feedback on their performance. Poor EQ - defensiveness, inability to accept honest feedback, poor relational skills - will prevent them from growing like the should. Get good EQ, combined with potential and you have a powerful combination.

Help them understand their wiring and strengths. Mentoring is not about growing another "you" but about helping a young leader understand how God designed them, how they are wired and where their strengths lie - and don't lie. Young people often don't have the life experience to figure that out well but a good mentor can dramatically speed up the process by helping them discover their strengths.

Dialogue a lot. Mentor's use Socratic dialogue to help those they mentor think through issues, solve problems, discover solutions and evaluate performance. By its very nature, mentoring takes time and only those who are willing to make the investment will make good mentors. People learn the best when they are challenged to think critically and evaluate well so mentors think out loud with their mentees on a regular basis.

Ask lots of questions. The more questions one asks, the more you will help your young leader think and evaluate. Engage their perspective on people, situations, problems and solutions. Don't tell, ask - and then dialogue.

Give honest feedback. Good mentors give feedback but they do it in appropriate ways and appropriate settings. No, the Trump method "You're Fired," does not fit that paradigm! Mentors never embarrass by calling out a failure or misstep in public. They do it behind closed doors and in a way that causes growth, not discouragement (again, good EQ is very helpful).

Allow young leaders to figure it out and even fail. We learn more from our failures than our successes so allowing young leaders to figure out how do get something done (consistent with their strengths) and even to get it wrong on occasion is a powerful growth strategy. We practice "autopsy without blame" after a failure. We want to know why it happened and what went wrong and why but it is not about blame, but about learning.

Give assignments that stretch. Often, young leaders do not see in themselves what others see in them. Giving assignments that are out of their comfort zone - but within their ability helps them test their skills and critical thinking. Again, Socratic dialogue along the way is helpful, but not solving the problems they encounter.

Keep their plate full. Bright young leaders get bored quickly. Keep their plate full so that they continue to grow and stretch and increase their capacity. If they are really good - do whatever it takes to keep them engaged with you so that they don't look for greener pastures elsewhere.

Let them shadow you. Young leaders need models of what good leadership looks like. Because mentors are all about developing others, find ways to expose them to your world even if it is not in their job description. Exposure to meetings, problems, problem solving and other key people will give them context that they would not otherwise have and exposure that helps them leverage growth.

Ensure a relationship of high trust. Mentors often share information with a young leader they would not share with others - precisely because by introducing them to one's world and the real challenges one faces, young leaders learn how to deal with real life situations. This means, however that young leaders must be trustworthy (EQ again) to keep information that is private private and the maturity to handle sometimes difficult information. Clear guidelines should be discussed up front and reminders made along the way regarding confidential information.

Be tansparent. Sharing one's life honestly is an important element in growing leaders. Understanding how to balance life, deal with life when it comes undone and persevering in Godly character is the inner core that will sustain young leaders over the long haul. Wherever appropriate, be transparent so that they are challenged by your heart and character as well as your leadership expertise.

Mentoring is a challenge and a great privilege. And it allows you to expand your influence far beyond what you could ever do yourself.

On being a father to those who need one

Father's Day!

For those of us who are fathers it is a wonderful day with many great memories. I am the proud father of two wonderful boys, Jon and Chip. But I am also a father to a couple in Myanmar, in the Philippines, in Minnesota and a few other places. Not a biological father but a spiritual father to some folks who didn't have a believing father, or one that affirmed them, or was an example to them.

Older men, especially have a wonderful opportunity to be the father that individuals never had. One who loves them, mentors them, is there for them, prays for them, comes alongside to meet needs that can be met. All of us have a heavenly father but there is a deep yearning in the heart for a human father and many in our world today do not celebrate a human father. Human fathers can be a blessing or a curse.

For those whose father was a curse, or simply non involved and disengaged, we can become a father to the fatherless. Young men, especially long for a role model, a godly example, someone they can look to as a father figure. We can be that for them. Interestingly, I never asked for the job with these wonderful friends, but they let me know, I was the father they were looking for. They gave me the name and I willingly accepted the honor.

For many today, father's day is a day of blessing. For many it is a day of pain, hurt and terrible memories. That is the reality of a fallen world. Whether you know it or not, you may be looked up to as the dad someone else never had when you take the time to befriend, pray for and come alongside younger men or couples.

It is a wonderful honor. For I actually have more kids than just my two. I accept the job with thanksgiving.

Evaluating and Coaching Leaders

Many churches, ministries and mission organizations do not have an adequate coaching and evaluation tool for leaders. In the absence of such a tool, expectations can be vague and evaluations more subjective than objective. This is not helpful to those being evaluated or to those doing the evaluation.

Nor is the typical job description the answer. Job descriptions are typically a list of activities rather than results. Thus an individual can stay very busy on activity and actually not accomplish the necessary results.

Key Result Areas
Far more important than defining activities is that of defining the necessary results of a leaders job. We call these Key Result Areas (KRAs) and they define what we want success to look like. Thus, both myself and the many leaders in our organization (ReachGlobal) are clear on what we must accomplish in order to be considered successful. It becomes our personal roadmap and the basis on which we are evaluated annually and coached monthly.

The five responsibilities of every leader
Anyone who leads a team, from the senior leader through all levels of leadership really must accomplish five things if they are going to be successful. We use these five Key Result Areas with all of our leaders.

KRA One: Personal Development
Summary: Ensuring that I live intentionally in my spiritual, family and professional life.

KRA Two: Strategic Leadership:
Summary: Providing strategic leadership to ReachGlobal values, mission, and vision for the future, and through annual strategic initiatives.

KRA Three: Strong Team
Summary: Building a strong, unified, aligned, strategic, and results-oriented team

KRA Four: Leadership Development
Summary: Develop current and future leaders

KRA Five: Mobilizing Resources
Summary: Mobilize key resources necessary to flourish and build for the future

These KRAs do not change from year to year but the plan for how a leader accomplishes the plan changes annually.

An Annual Ministry Plan

If these areas spell success for a leader, the next step is to put feet to each of the areas so that there is a clear annual plan for how they will accomplish each of the KRAs. This plan is developed by the leader and agreed to by the board or supervisor (with modifications if necessary).

Here is an example of my own plan for 2008 for KRA 2.

KRA Two: Strategic Leadership
Summary: Providing strategic leadership to ReachGlobal values, mission, and vision for the future, and through annual strategic initiatives.

-Review and finalize all current key documents of RG to ensure a common voice and proper alignment
-Drive intentional diversity in RG domestically and internationally
-Help RG move toward greater multiplication in all of our ministries
-Champion the ReachGlobal Sandbox
-Provide maximum clarity to the leadership and personnel
-Ensure the smooth launch of LIVE0
-Provide regular communication to personnel of vision, opportunity, and strategy.
-Work with the chair of the ReachGlobal Board to ensure the board contributes the greatest value possible to the ReachGlobal.
-Realign schedule for less activity and more “think time”
-Ensure that the benchmarking of new metrics
-Develop relationships with national movement leaders
-Complete a book on “Missions in the Color World” by June 2009

Each of my other four Key Result Areas have a similar annual plan. Because I have my plan in place I know exactly what my priorities are for the year, as does my supervisor (the president of the EFCA), my board, colleagues and staff (because I make them public for the sake of example and transparency).

Monthly coaching meetings
Our organization has a commitment to a monthly meeting with one's supervisor. Because the roadmap for the year is clear through the KRAs and Annual Ministry Plan, this meeting is designed to ensure that things are on track, that barriers are removed, that relational health is maintained with others and that problems are resolved. We see it as a coaching/mentoring meeting.
Annual Evaluations
With Key Result Areas defined along with an annual ministry plan, annual reviews are really simple. How well has the leader done in accomplishing their plan? All one needs to do is to examine each of the KRAs and the accompanying ministry plan to determine how well the individual has done in accomplishing what they said they would accomplish. It becomes an objective rather than subjective process.
Further, this paradigm removes the discussion from busyness and activity to results and focus.
For more information on KRAs, Annual Ministry Plans, coaching/mentoring meetings and intentional living, see Leading From the Sandbox: Developing, Empowering and Releasing High Impact Ministry Teams.

Advice for young leaders

Contributing Writer: Lindsay NormanI often find that young leaders are enthusiastic to be mentored and to learn. There are books and materials for individuals already in leadership roles, but significantly less material that covers how young leaders can grow to their potential. Here is what I have found helpful as I intentionally walk the road to develop my full capacity.

Get a Mentor

Only after having a few mentors in my life can I look back and say this has been, and continues to be, one of the most pivotal elements to growing as a leader. I had mentors in leadership roles who recognized I was a leader years before I did. Feedback I received from one of my mentors was, “Lindsay, you need to be in a role where you are standing on your tip toes every day. Be in a role that is just out of reach the majority of the time so that you are challenged.”

Mentors listen, love and speak into your life. The best part about them is that the relationship is judgment free. The purpose of mentoring is to come along side and be a life coach. The assumption is already there that the “mentee” is learning and growing. It is assumed there will be bumps along the way to growth. That removes the judgment factor. It’s assumed we will mess up! The mentor is there, not to prevent you from messing up, but to help process through why and help you look to the future.

Consider yourself a learner

Every leader goes through an extraordinary amount of learning. Learning about the organization, about other leaders, former leaders, and most importantly, learning about yourself are all critical pieces to development. It is difficult to made effective decisions as a leader if you don’t understand the ethos, mission and vision of the organization.

It is equally difficult to lead well if you don’t understand how the other leaders lead. For the sake of optimal effectiveness as a young leader, I don’t want to be making decisions regarding circumstances that are the responsibility of other leaders.

Finally, and I believe most importantly, a potential leader must learn about themselves. As an upcoming leader, the question must be asked, “How am I wired? Where are my strengths? What am I passionate and really good at? What energizes me?”

This can be done through self-knowledge tools like executive testing or other tools like Myers-Briggs, Gallops StrengthsFinders, or the Firo-B. This can also be done by engaging with a life or work mentor/coach who you trust and who knows you well. There is a great deal of resources on the Internet and in books stores that are available today to help us learn about ourselves.

Learn from Mistakes

It is nice when others make the mistakes before we do, isn’t it? As a potential leader, it is critical to learn from the “dumb tax” others have paid. Believe me, you’ll pay your own dumb tax, you don’t need to pay the same tax as others. As you see mistakes or learn from others past mistakes, ask yourself these questions, “Why did that happen? What were the circumstances? What were the decisions that led up to that mistakes? Who was involved? How can I learn from that mistake?”

As a potential leader, look at the mistake from every angle. Critically think through the situation. And most importantly, don’t judge! You will have your opportunity to make your own mistakes! Mistakes are good. The shape, mold, and sharpen us in our thinking, strategies and leadership. Mistakes by ourselves or others should not be dismissed before a thorough autopsy has taken place. The more learning that takes place early in your leadership development, the more effectively you can navigate leadership in the future.

Take Risks

At some point, the bird knocks the baby out of the nest! Why? Because they need to grow, mature and face the realities of the world. As a leader, in order for us to develop, we need to begin making decisions.

I would recommend making decisions after having organizational context (don’t jump into a leadership role and start making decisions with gaining context and playing the role of “learner”) and touching base with a mentor or supervisor. I don’t touch base with a supervisor because I want them to make the decision for me. I touch base with my supervisor or mentor/coach because I want to process my plan of action and decision-making with them.

By doing this, it allows them to speak into any other aspects I haven’t thought of. It allows me to practice decision-making before the decision actually gets made. After doing this a number of times, a potential leader should be learning about all the factors necessary for a good decision. Eventually, independent decisions can be made. This process also builds the trust of your supervisor that your judgment can be trusted.

Growth can’t be done without taking risks. Good mentor/coaches will also encourage you to take risks. How do you learn unless you try?

Ask Questions

As a potential leader, I don’t have all the answers. Yes, you heard me correctly. I can draw on my own experience and on my knowledge of the organization, but that only gets me so far.

Questions need to be asked for the purpose of further understanding and for information to make good decisions. Again, having a good mentor/coach or a supervisor who is intentional about your leadership growth is critical so you can ask questions without judgment.

Knowing where and when to ask question is equally important. If I am in a meeting with all organizational leaders and I am finding that I don’t understand something, I often make a note to myself and ask someone at a break, especially if it is evident that all others in the room are following the conversation. On the other hand, if I am “picking up” that others may have questions like I do, I will ask. If you want to grow as a leader, listening and asking questions is important.

EQ – So Important!

Where do I communicate skepticism about a process, policy or decision that has been made? When do I ask tough questions about other leaders or the organization as a whole? What is my role in the organization? Where do I vent? When and how do I support decisions even if I don’t fully agree with them?

Knowing how to answer and navigate these questions is a direct reflection on your emotional intelligence (EQ). As an up and coming leader, observing, listening, asking questions, and dedicating yourself to learning should help you get a feel for how to answer these questions. Many times, these questions should be directed toward your mentor/coach who can help you navigate the situation.

If you are going to create trust with other leaders and coworkers, how you navigate these questions is critical. The answers will differ depending on the organization or ministry you serve in, the communication process in place, the leaders within that organization, and the trust that is built into that organization or ministry. It is difficult to verbally ask some of these questions to others if you are not trusted or if you do not trust the leadership. More importantly than knowing when to ask these questions is knowing WHEN NOT to ask these questions.

The mentor/coach model of supervision

What does it mean to be a supervisor? For many the word 'manager' comes to mind. But think about that. Do you like to be managed? For many, that word spells control and it is not a cool or empowering word. What it says is that my manager does not trust me to do the job I have been hired to do or that two people need to have a hand in doing my job - my manager and me.

One of the most frustrating issues good people face is the sense that they have too little freedom to use their gifting, skills and creativity to accomplish the work they have been hired to do.

Do you really want to 'manage' others? Most ministry leaders and supervisors I know find the traditional job of 'managing' others frustrating and time consuming. And it should be because good people were not made to be managed. They were made to be empowered, set free and then coached and mentored. If people on your team cannot be set free, empowered and then coached, you have the wrong people on the team.

A mentor coaching model is dependent on your staff having a clear plan and a clear understanding of what spells success. Thus the importance of Key Result Areas (KRAs) and Annual Ministry Plans (AMPs). If you need more information on KRAs and AMPs you will find a clear paradigm in the book, Leading From the Sandbox.

I am going to make a distinction between mentoring and coaching. They are different sides of the same coin, each with its own focuses. A good team leader needs to practice both, depending on the circumstances.

The Practices of Coaches

Coaches want to release the gifting and potential in others
Coaching is not about helping others become like us! Or having them do things the way we would do them. Coaching is about releasing the gifting and potential in others and helping them become as successful and impactful as they possible can be.

'Release' is a key word for a coach. Good people have been gifted by God with unique skills and particular ways of approaching problems and situations. Coaches want to tap this potential and these gifts, pulling them out so that the gifting and potential are released in increasingly productive and effective ways.

Coaches don't tell, they ask
Releasing the potential in others means that our challenge is not to tell people how we would do things if it were us, but to help those we coach figure out how to solve problems and meet challenges themselves. Coaches ask questions, lots of questions, questions that make others think and come to good conclusions.

Coaches care about the whole person
Many leaders and organizations simply use people. While good organizations, teams and leaders are deeply missional, coaches understand that there are many factors in a person's life that affect their work, their emotional health, and their makeup. Caring about the whole person is one of the keys to unlocking potential.

Coaches are exegetes of those they coach
People are different and need to be approached differently. People cannot be treated alike in a cookie-cutter way. Individuals are just that - individuals, and our approach, whether mentoring or coaching, needs to fit who they are and the wiring they have.

Coaches hold people with an open hand
The ultimate test of whether we want the best for those who work with us and for us is: Do we hold them with an open hand? Are we willing to develop them for their sake even if it means that we end up developing them out of the organization?

Holding people with an open hand and wanting the best for them engenders huge loyalty and appreciation. The message we give is that we ultimately care about them, and what God wants for their lives, not what we want for their lives or what we can get out of them. When we try to control others we are violating them and may be violating God's best for them.

Coaches always try to keep their people engaged
People, especially highly motivated people, are not static. They grow, they change, they get bored, and they periodically need new challenges. My philosophy is that I want to find the very best people I can find and then keep them highly motivated by changing their responsibilities when I need to.

The Practices of Mentors

Mentors give honest feedback
Constructive feedback is often missing in ministry organizations where the culture is supposed to be 'nice.' The lack of honest feedback hurts the individual and the organization. It does no one any favors and can eventually result in people actually being let go for behaviors that might have been modified if someone had been courageous enough to be honest.

Mentors get people individual training when necessary
Good mentors not only provide honest feedback but also, where necessary, insist that an employee or team member receive help that will allow them to be more effective. This often means help from a psychologist or a good mentor, especially when someone is dealing with behaviors that negatively impact their own lives, the lives of others or those on their team.

Mentors care about their people but they also want a winning team
Leaders build teams that can win. Healthy leaders are committed to results, insist that the team play well together, that players are playing to their strengths, and that the results re consistent with the mission of the organization.

This means that if changing the responsibilities or team members to better organize the team for effective ministry is necessary, they will do it. It also means that there are times when they need to let someone go because they cannot play at the level needed in their ministry role, or the person is not effective in their job even after intensive mentoring. Good leaders do not allow the mission of the organization to be compromised by keeping people who are not effective.

Being a mentor/coach with those you supervise takes more time but it also brings out the best of those who work with us, engenders huge loyalty and yields huge ministry dividends. It is worth the investment.