The words of a leader

The two boys God gave me were highly sensitive growing up to the words and reactions of their parents. I remember one time giving one of them my "look" and he responded "Don't yell at me!" Actually I had not said anything but I had communicated with my body language and he had felt the message! 

Leaders are not parents to those they lead but like parents, their words have extra weight than the words of others.

Leaders often do not appreciate how their words can hurt, wound, lift up or encourage those in their organization. Because they are leaders their words have extra weight which means that what they say and how they say it impacts people deeply, positively or negatively in significant ways. Their words carry more weight because people don't want to let them down and staff feel it deeply when words spoken carelessly come their way.

This means that leaders have a higher responsibility than others to filter and control their words (yes emails) and reactions so that they do not negatively impact others or send messages they don't want to send. While everyone has a responsibility to watch their words, this is absolutely true for leaders who set culture by their words. Their words have the power to uplift, help or wound and bring down,

Leaders should remember:

• Words of affirmation are huge.
• Careless passing words that construe disappointment or cynical can hurt.
• You can say a lot with body language. Be aware and careful.
• Measure your responses to control your emotions so that your emotions don't get in the way of the message.
• Think before one speaks: both about the message and the way it is delivered.
• If you are going to say hard things because you must, think carefully about how you do it and focus on behaviors rather than on motives. Your words carry extra weight so use them carefully!

Words matter!

It is not surprising that the perpetuator of the synagogue massacre had posted hate speech on a popular web site for those who want to express hateful views. Freedom of expression being one of the hallmarks of our constitution, it is a price we pay for our liberties. It protects the rights of all of us to speak our minds sad as some of those views may be.

There is, however, a higher responsibility for those in elected positions to be circumspect with their words toward members of the opposite party. Public figures have the ability and power to set the tone of public discourse. The civility of our national discourse is directly related to our maturity as a people and nation. By that standard we don't have much to be proud of today. Words matter!

We may be proud to protect the speech of all. But can we also be proud of what is being said? Or by the civil discourse of our elected leaders? 

When we dehumanize others with our words we lay the groundwork for other dehumanization. Words matter! It is why we teach our children to be kind with their words. Most efforts to rob others of their rights begin with words. Dehumanizing words are not neutral. Words can build up or they can tear down. Words can protect or they can incite violence. Words matter!

Let it not be lost on us that the pogroms of recent history started with words and ended with violence. The veneer of civilization is very thin. Words matter!

I like many have very significant differences with others politically. I feel strongly about many of those differences. But I will not dehumanize those who disagree with my views. Nor do I want those that I help elect to dehumanize those who disagree with their views. A nation that cannot be civil in its disagreements is no longer a civil society. Words do matter!

Ways that we unintentionally create or contribute to conflict and misunderstanding

None of us sets out to create conflict with others. Most of us truly dislike conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. However, it is also true that we can contribute to conflict unintentionally through our attitudes, responses and words. Being aware of these issues can help us do a better job of lessoning or avoiding unnecessary conflict.

Our responses and conflict

A significant contributor to conflict and misunderstanding can come from our responses to others. For instance, if someone makes a suggestion, offers a differing opinion or even takes a shot at us, a defensive reaction will contribute to ratcheting up conflict in the relationship. Contrast that with an open response like "Tell me more about why you think that?" which invites response and dialogue rather than shutting it down. 

Other responses like anger or impatience will have the same negative effect so learning to control our emotions and responses with people who irritate or words that irritate is a key to lowering the possibility of conflict or misunderstanding. Staying calm, collected, friendly and approachable in the face of people or situations that punch our buttons lowers the temperature. When we don't control our responses we invariably raise the temperature.

Our attitudes and conflict

More subtle than our actual responses to others is that of our attitude toward others who challenge us. If I have a dismissive, impatient, disrespectful, angry, haughty or irritated attitude with those interacting to me (justified or not) it raises the temperature. 

Early in my leadership life I was not very skilled in hiding or controlling my responses and it hurt me with others. It was unintentional but it caused issues nonetheless. It really comes down to treating all people and ideas with respect whether those ideas will fly or not fly. If our attitude is always one of respect we will respond well to people regardless of the merits of their ideas or even sometimes poor attitudes.

Our words and conflict

We are stewards of our words. They can build relationships or destroy them. They can raise the level of conflict or lower it. They can encourage or discourage. The diplomacy of our words and the respect we show others makes all the difference.

I intentionally placed this after our responses and our attitudes because harmful words come from uncontrolled responses and poor attitudes toward others. And those harmful words create misunderstanding and conflict. 

Learning to control our words is a learned discipline. I have been known to silently say to myself "KMS" numerous times when I am with people who push my buttons. It stands for "Keep Mouth Shut." It is a reminder that my words are going to matter so think about what I am going to say and how I am going to say it before responding.

When misunderstanding and conflict occurs we ought to ask ourselves whether we contributed to it through our responses, attitudes or words and become aware of how all three can contribute to conflict or lower the temperature. 

The courage to say what we really think

One of the significant marks of a good leader and healthy individual is the ability to tell others what they really think in an honest but respectful way. Too often, in the desire to make others feel good we are not completely honest with our views which causes confusion at best and a sense that we were dishonest or manipulative at worst.

Not being fully honest with our views is a form of cowardice driven by our desire to be liked and not to offend. However, the end result of a lack of clarity especially by leaders is the perception by their staff that they were not honest with them - true - and attributed often to bad motives - often not true. Either way it is a route to misunderstanding and lack of clarity.

Most of us do not want to offend others - a good thing. The route to that goal is not to withhold our opinions or convictions but to state them respectfully, allowing others to hold a different view without judgement or losing relationship. What kind of world would we have if everyone agreed on everything anyway? The best solutions are found in the conflict of ideas, not in everybody agreeing with one another.

This skill is called "self differentiation." The ability to differentiate our views from others without being obnoxious. Both of those skills are necessary for healthy relationships.

It is a skill because it is not natural for everyone to learn the art of self differentiation graciously. However, unless we do we cannot be who we really are - a characteristic of personal health. Doing so with graciousness toward others is a necessary skill of keeping relationships healthy while being able to disagree. Both personal health and relational health are at stake with this skill.

They are amazingly powerful things, words are

They are amazingly powerful things, words are, especially for often being invisible, coming only from our mouths, invisible messages transmitted from one to another. Yet they have the power to build up and to tear down, encourage and discourage, empower and disempower, express ideas and destroy people. Every invisible word we speak has an immediate impact on those who hear.  They are amazingly powerful things, words are.

I am a purveyor of words: speaking, blogs, books and dialogue. I play with them, carefully consider them and use them as a craftsman uses his or her tools. They are my tools and powerful tools, words are. Finding a new word to convey the right meaning is like striking a vein of gold so powerful those words can be. Putting them in sequence for the right effect is like arranging the books on my study shelves because arrangement matters.

Our words reveal the temperature of our hearts for what is inside tumbles out, sometimes unwittingly and with later regret. “Did I say that? That way? I hurt you! I cannot believe I said that!” Our words the invisible revealer of the invisible us. Once unleashed, never to be recalled. We can only use other words to minimize the damage but those terrible words, ever invisible live on in the hearts of those who were wounded by them.  Our words have betrayed us, or revealed us and the ugly remnants of our sinful humanity. They are amazingly powerful things, words are.

Being invisible and coming so easily we pay too little attention to our words. Jesus told us to consider our words. James warned us of the power for good or for evil they contain. Proverbs speaks often of words and their impact for good and evil. Paul wrote of words that should not be spoken and words that should be spoken. Because they are amazingly powerful things, words are.

It is easy to allow our words to become useless items frittered away on topics that are base and in ways that are harsh – other people the likely target of our spiritual poverty. They are precious things, words are, because of their power. To loose them carelessly is to squander opportunity and to diminish the wonderful gift they can be. For our words can shape entire lives or diminish the same so powerful they are and so long they live invisible yet remembered.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you O Lord. For each of us will give an account for every invisible word we spoke. They are amazingly powerful things, words are.

“Father, help me craft words that heal, reflect your character, bring your love, and soothe the wounds of life today. May I use words for your purposes today and not mine. Even better, give me your words to speak for your words are pure and holy and loving and true. They are words of life from a heart of love. May I be a purveyor of your words today.”