I don't want to hire you if....

You are not passionate about the work God has called our organization to accomplish! Really passionate! Motivated in your very bones to accomplish the task! Ministry is a calling and those who work for a ministry need to believe in that ministry with all their hearts. If they don’t they will not be motivated to give it 100%.

You are not self motivated and able to figure out where you need to go! I will mentor and coach but I will not tell you how to do what you need to do or motivate you to do it. That comes from inside of you and if it is not there you are in the wrong organization. Self motivation comes from being in one’s “lane” or “sweet spot.” Where motivation is lacking either the passion is not there or one is not in their lane. Both are necessary for long term success. My job is to encourage and envision you not to motivate you.

You are not emotionally healthy! Lack of relational, emotional or spiritual health will hurt those you work with and compromise otherwise healthy teams. I won’t compromise on the health no matter how brilliant you are. I care too much for the health of the organization, and the health of my team to bring someone on who might hurt it.

You are not team friendly and cannot work synergistically with others! I know that more is accomplished by healthy teams than lone rangers so I want those humble and relational enough to fit into a team rather than doing ministry by themselves. The ability to work with others within the organization is proof that one can work with others outside the organization – those we serve.

Think about who you will and will not hire and why. Don’t compromise on those values no matter how good someone might be. Too many ministries pay a dear price for not knowing what is non-negotiable when looking for personnel.This is especially true in missions where our (wrong) metric for success is the number of personnel one has rather than the right (healthy) personnel. 

What are your non-negotiables?

Dealing with Narcissists

In the wake of my blog on spiritual narcissism which elicited significant interest according to the number of readers, a number have asked, “How do we deal with these folks?” After all, they create considerable relational mayhem and are, “crazy makers.”

If I found myself working for one of these individuals I would find someone else to work for because eventually there will be conflict. Generally I stay as far away from narcissists as I can. The equation changes if one has a narcissist on staff or as a volunteer in your church. In that case, you cannot just stay away but need to somehow manage them in a way that will minimize damage to others.

What makes this so challenging is that because a narcissist thinks he or she is right, they have a built in propensity to resist any feedback that would challenge their behavior. For a narcissist, it is never themselves at fault but always someone else. In addition, almost anything you say to a narcissist will be “skewed” by them because their whole version of reality is skewed. Thus what you communicate to them will often come back to you via others in a form that you don’t even recognize. You say to yourself, "was I in the same meeting as they were?" Because one is not dealing with a healthy individual and because anything you say can and will be used against you if it can be, what you communicate, how you communicate and how much you communicate all becomes important. Finally, remember that narcissists are often experts at emotional triangulation and bringing others into their orbit as allies. When dealing with them, one often finds themselves dealing also with those who have taken up the narcissist’s cause which further complicates the situation. There is a reason I call narcissists “crazy makers.”

With those issues in mind, here are some suggestions for dealing with these folks whether they are on your staff or a volunteer on a team.

Once you are convinced that one is dealing with a narcissist, the first goal is to marginalize their influence with others which is usually destructive to your organization and if possible, move them out of the organization (if paid staff). Their behaviors are simply too toxic to ignore. If they are in a leadership role, you need to find a way to move them out of a leadership role. Remember that for a narcissist, their focus is not primarily the good of the organization but their own universe. Because life is about them they may gladly lead but they will not follow well. What you often discover is that they have built a team that is loyal to them but not to leaders above them in the organization. In fact, in many cases, there is a DNA of mistrust of leaders above fostered by a narcissistic leader.

Be defining with them when their behaviors are problematic and keep up the pressure by speaking into unacceptable behaviors. It is often wise to bring a third party into the conversation so that there is accountability for what is said since what you communicate will likely be skewed. If you communicate in writing, do so with the knowledge that what you write will likely be seen by others. Keep all written correspondence (including emails) and make written notes after each meeting so that you have a record of your conversations. Keep your communication focused on behaviors. In many cases, the less you say the better off you are because a narcissist will try to hook you into debates and endless dialogue to prove that they are right. Don’t get hooked!

Give it time. Because narcissists bring others into their orbit through emotional enmeshment, it often takes time for others to see what you see. This is a case of “giving someone enough rope to hang themselves.” Eventually, a narcissist’s behavior will be seen as problematic by others which then gives you the opportunity to address it without push back from colleagues. If you act prematurely you may regret it because a narcissist will fight back and often not fairly. Wait until you have enough problematic behavior that a reasonable person will say “I get that” if your action is challenged.

In the ministry world a narcissist will often use spiritual language and words like forgiveness, grace, reconciliation, and love to engage in endless dialogue, justify behavior and fend off accountability for their behavior. Don’t be intimidated by the spiritual facade. Focus on their behavior, call it for what it is and remind them that this is about their ability to work on your team.

One last thought. One could ask, where is grace in all of this? The grace is in being defining about what behaviors are acceptable in your organization. In defining this you are giving the individual the opportunity to modify their behavior. Unfortunately, a narcissistic personality disorder is one of the most difficult things to address given the built in and almost impenetrable defenses that make up narcissism. It is also one of the most toxic. Addressing it when it  surfaces is all about the health of the organization or team you lead and those who are negatively impacted by the behavior.

The Middle East

There is no doubt that we are watching history in the making in the Middle East and North Africa. If there was ever a time to pray that God would protect his people there and build his church it is now. This is both a time of opportunity and peril for the church in this part of the world.

There are many unknowns as to how political change will impact the church. In many cases the regimes that have been in power have kept more radical elements of Islam at bay. With regime change, these groups, such as the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt will seek to assert themselves. Radical Islam has no place for Christianity or freedom of religion which could mean huge pressure for Christ followers. In some cases, "democracy" could mean radical Islam!

The winner in this upheaval could prove to be Iran as it spreads its version of Islam and anti west, anti Christianity and hatred of Israel throughout the region. They believe that these events could herald the return of their great prophet who will usher in a pure world wide Islamic rule. And, there are elements in Iran who will do anything to help make this happen.

If the new order in the Middle East proves to be a more radical Islamic order, this will increase tensions with Israel. Today, two of its immediate neighbors, Egypt and Jordan have peaceful relations with Israel but that could change with regime changes. In that case, the Middle East will become more of a tinderbox than it currently is.


Hidden from view in all of these events is the fact that there are many Christ followers in each of these countries that are today under pressure - including Iran. There are believers in Mecca and Medina in Saudi Arabia. God has quietly been building His church even in the most radical areas of the Middle East and will continue to do so. And, God uses the events of history to spread the good news (Acts 17:26-27). We need to stand with these believers in prayer as they walk through very uncertain times. 


As you watch the news of the Middle East, let it be a constant reminder to pray for God's people there, for their protection, for opportunities to share the good news and that God would continue to build his church. Pray also, that God would protect the many church planters and missionaries who work in this part of the world. Their work is hard in times of peace. It is harder in these current circumstances. Now is the time to pray.

Entire heart submisson

I am a fan of the prayers of the Puritans. They put much thought into their prayers which cause us to stop and take stock of our own lives. This week I was captured by these words:

There is much unconquered territory in my nature,

scourge out the buyers and sellers of my soul’s temple,

and give me in return pure desires,

and longings after perfect holiness.

I can say with the writer that there is much unconquered territory in my nature. It’s not something I like to think about much but in order for me to become more like Christ, I must pay attention to the “buyers and sellers" of my soul’s temple that Jesus would like to drive out. It is painful to confront and the process of driving them out equally painful – but necessary in my walk with Christ.

In my wisest moments I live with a sensitivity to the unconquered territory so that the Holy Spirit can help me choose pure desires rather than the buyers and the sellers. A life long process of allowing the Holy Spirit to conquer what is yet unconquered and to replace carnal desire with pure desire.

The same prayer offers up these words:

But, Lord, I am sometimes thy enemy;

my nature revolts and wanders from thee.

Though thou hast renewed me,

yet evil corruptions urge me still to oppose thee.

Help me to extol thee with entire heart-submission,

to be diligent in self-examination

Entire heart-submission are my words for the coming week. It is the antidote to the unconquered territory in my nature. And the posture that is pleasing to our Lord.

Directional Teams that bring stability

One of the key elements in leading is the need to bring consensus around key directional decisions. If one does not build consensus, you do not have a guiding coalition to ensure wide buy in for decisions you make. Further, if your leadership involves bringing any significant measure of change, that consensus is not only necessary but may make the difference between the change agent being successful or run out of the organization by the forces that resist change.

I believe that the key to such consensus for an organizational leader, whether in a church or other ministry (this applies equally to the business world) is to build a strong team at the top – which I call a directional team. Solo leaders in hierarchical structures will inevitably get themselves into trouble compared to leaders who choose to lead through team. The reasons are obvious: group consensus is much more powerful than one leader's mandate; team dynamics make for better and wiser decisions; the organization knows that decisions have been vetted well and you have a guiding coalition that both supports and explains those decisions.

The cost to a senior leader is that they must give up their autonomy, become a coach and lead through team. Thus humility is required. It also means that they may not always get their way or their preference. Leaders who lack humility will not build real directional teams as they need their way. However, they also do not engender the kind of support, loyalty and long term staff relationships that those who build team do.

In our organization we have a senior team of eleven individuals, half of whom oversee ReachGlobal support divisions and the other half who are international leaders.  Directional decisions are vetted through either the program leadership side or the international leadership side or both, depending on the issue. I do not move forward with any major directional decision or policy change without bringing it to my appropriate colleagues and then all of us support that decision. Smaller organizations would have a smaller team at the top - but a team is always preferable to any one individual.

One of the things senior leaders are looking for is influence. They want and need a piece of the directional decision making process. It affects them and they are wired to lead. With a directional team at the top the senior leader can provide multiple wise voices to speak into direction, vision, ministry architecture and the many issues that the ministry faces as it expands its effectiveness. It is a win/win for all involved – including those who are impacted by the decision in the organization.

Osteen Moments

In our politically correct climate and culture, there is confusion regarding right and wrong and on what issues we can or should make judgments. Making judgments on many issues today is neither popular nor easy. And, if we do, the mantra, “Christians should not judge” is often the response – from both Christ followers and others.

We need to be reminded, however, that Jesus and Scripture make judgments on many issues. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me.” In other words, there are no alternate routes to God except through Jesus. That is unambiguous and offensive in our culture but it is the truth of God. In our age of materialism, Jesus says, “you cannot serve both God and money.” We must make choices about who we serve and therefore the priorities we choose.

Of all the offensive words of Jesus, perhaps none are as offensive as His words that there is eternal life for those who follow Him but eternal suffering for those who reject him: “The Son of Man will sent out his angels, and they will weed out of his Kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the Kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear” (Matthew 13:41-43).

Because we are called to be Holy as God is Holy and because Scripture reflects the character of God, Scripture makes judgments on many issues and is clear, unambiguous and definitive on those issues. Jesus, Paul and Scripture are not always comfortable and almost never politically correct. As Christ followers we too must make judgments on many issues, even when they are unpopular.

Joel Osteen found himself in this position recently when pressed on a national television show as to whether homosexuality was OK with God. Clearly uncomfortable with the question given his desire to not offend anyone he finally said that he did not believe it was God’s best and that it is sin. The surprised host said that he was being judgmental and Osteen will never again be seen as the all inclusive person his preaching seems to portray. Osteen, when pressed, like all of us, must make judgments where Scripture makes judgments – if we are going to stand with Christ. For many, Osteen has lost his luster because he is no longer politically correct or all inclusive of all lifestyles.

Jesus made judgments all the time but He was not judgmental toward people – with the exception of the Pharisees and hypocrites. With the woman caught in adultery, for instance, Jesus did not condemn her but did say, “Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). He made a judgment regarding her lifestyle but expressed, love, compassion and grace to her personally. He was not judgmental toward her but made a judgment regarding her behavior.

This is the Biblical balance. Jesus had grace, love and compassion toward all who came to him (with the exceptions mentioned above) and did not condemn people. But He was clear at the same time about truth and its path and untruth and its ultimate path. In His Osteen moments he was always gracious but always defining. He did not hesitate to draw people to Himself or to be defining about the issues.

All of us have Osteen moments when if we are going to stand with Jesus, we must be clear about what He and scripture say. Much of the politically correct Christianity is nothing less than heresy and there is huge illiteracy regarding Scripture. But when those moments come we do so with love, compassion and grace. It is a tough but necessary balance.

Spiritual Narcissism

One could immediately say “that is an oxymoron,” and they would be right. However, as unhealthy and destructive as narcissism is, adding the spiritual component to it is even deadlier. My observation is that there are a disproportionate number of “spiritual narcissists” who find their way into Christian ministry. Perhaps it is easier to get away with this behavior in the church where we are reticent to name unhealthy behavior for what it is. Unfortunately they leave relational havoc in their wake wherever they are found. That is a consistent pattern.

Narcissism is really pride gone amuck without the counterbalance of humility. It can be very subtle or it can be “in your face.” Often times it is hidden behind a compelling personality that draws others to them but often in unhealthy ways such as emotional triangulation where I draw you into my orbit by creating a bond with you against another individual or group. The bond and friendship, often very close, lasts as long as you agree with them and once you start to disagree or think independently you find yourself on the outside.

What are the signs of narcissism? Consider these.

• The inability to admit that one was wrong.

• The deflecting of any criticism back to you or others. In this scenario, whenever you seek to confront behavior that is unacceptable it somehow becomes your fault and your issue, not theirs. Narcissists are unable to see and accept their own faults.

• Strong reactions when confronted with behavior that is unhealthy. These individuals will go to great lengths to prove to you and others that it is not about them but about you. They are fighters and it is not always fair. Any criticism of a narcissist is immediately resisted because life is all about them.

• The tendency to draw others in to emotional triangles as a means of keeping them on “their side.” Narcissists are experts at drawing others into their stuff at least for a time. These “friends” often pick up the offense and join the narcissist in their fight. Narcissists are intuitive experts in finding people who are willing to side with them and take up their cause – regardless of the facts in the case.

• Inability to give up a fight over something – they need to win. There are no simple conversations with a narcissist. They love long dialogue and debates because they have something to prove and a lot to lose.

• The tendency to draw lines and demonize those who don’t agree with them. With a narcissist, you are either their good friend or their worst enemy.

• The inability to reason with them – every issue becomes complicated and drawn out because they cannot just say, “I was wrong” and must somehow justify their actions and rightness no matter how absurd the line of reasoning is. When everything is complicated with an individual and you are unable to make headway through long dialogue there is a good sign that you have narcissistic tendencies on your hand.

• The need to defend one’s reputation at all costs by proving that others are wrong.

• The ability to maneuver situations to suit them, make themselves look good and engender compassion for their situation.

·  Wherever you have a narcissist, you have complicated relationships where alliances are formed and where people eventually get hurt and discarded when they no longer toe the line. One narcissist on a team can cause havoc with the whole team and often people don’t really understand the dynamics of what is happening. By definition, a narcissist will divide people into those who are with them and those who are against them which divides teams and causes ugly division.

The spiritual narcissist is one who not only has tendencies like these but who then brings Scripture and God into the equation. Not only are they right but God is on their side! Any disagreement becomes grounds for “reconciliation between brothers” which really means, “You need to agree with me.” For narcissistic leaders, it often means, “God is leading me (and therefore you) in this direction and you must follow.” Those who question or don’t wholeheartedly follow become marginalized. When you confront, “you are not loving.” When you have a disagreement, “brothers need to live in unity.” When you discipline for behavior that is not healthy, “you don’t have grace.” In other words, you never win, you are always the one who is at fault and not only have you violated them but Scripture or God as well. You cannot win for losing!

All of this can make one crazy and wonder if it is indeed them that are at fault – after all narcissists are experts at making you feel that way. Ironically, a narcissist finds great pleasure in causing you pain while those they inflict it on are actually sensitive to the very issues raised because their own humility is greater than that of the narcissist.  This is where being wise as serpents and innocent as doves comes into play. We need to understand the MO of a narcissist and insist that the behavior is unacceptable no matter how much they deflect issues back to us.

TJ Addington (Addington Consulting) has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

"Creating cultures of organizational excellence."

Who Really Irritates You?

Ok, so all of us have them in our lives – often in our extended families or in the work place. The challenge is that unless we can understand the source of our irritation it is easy to react back in ways that we really don’t want to. Irritation produces anxiety and often reactivity that is counterproductive to a good working relationship – as well as causing internal discomfort.

Often when we encounter someone who regularly irritates us we don’t stop and ask the question, “Why do they cause me to be reactive inside?” “What is it about the individual that triggers emotions in me?” We cannot change those who irritate us, but if we can understand the emotional trigger that gets to us, we can work on managing our own emotions so that the irritant does not get in the way of our working relationship. At the least, we don’t want to have to deal with negative inner emotions each time we interact with the individual.

The truth is that while there are indeed irritating people in this world, or those that have problematic emotional intelligence, in some cases our internal angst with another individual is more about us than it is about them. They unconsciously trigger something in us which is what we want to defuse. At this point it is about our emotional intelligence and our ability to manage our own emotions and reactions. Even if their own EQ is so problematic that they irritate many, we still want to be able to manage our own emotions so that they do not cause us internal conflict – regardless of their behavior.

Part of the answer is learning to try to understand those who irritate us: how they think, process and make decisions. Concrete thinkers, for instance, are very different from conceptual thinkers. Both can irritate the other but if we seek to understand their thought patterns we can better appreciate how they come at conclusions and handle situations.

Often, we just need to consciously ignore those things that irritate, make a decision that they are not going to cause us angst and keep our emotions in check when interacting. After a time, we can simply learn to manage our own reaction which in the best case leads to better relationships and interactions and in the worst case keeps us from being eaten up internally by another’s issues or behavior. In the worst situations, one is probably dealing with a major EQ deficit which is a major challenge. In that case we recognize it for what it is, deal with the individual appropriately but don’t allow their dysfunction to trigger angst in us.

The one key in all of this is not to make assumptions about the motivations of those who irritate. If we assume their motivations are evil, which they rarely are, we will be unable to turn a corner. If we assume that their motivations are reasonable we will be able to accept or at least understand their differences – or quirks – and move beyond our irritation. At least that is the goal!