The Authentic Us

In a previous blog we looked at the freedom of being who God made us to be and being comfortable in our own skin. This comfortableness in our skin allows us to increasingly set aside the need for pretence that we are something we are not and it gives us the freedom to disclose who we are with confidence.



Authentic people have real issues in their marriages, families, work and relationships. They have fears, anxiety over certain things, become defensive when certain buttons are pushed and suffer from insecurities. This side of heaven we are plagued with all kinds of issues that go to our Emotional Intelligence, wiring, weaknesses, shadow side and vulnerabilities. Anyone who pretends otherwise is either fooling themselves or living with false pretences.


What people need from leaders of deep influence is honesty (appropriate to the situation) about issues they face and how they deal with them. I do not look like an insecure person and generally I am not. But when I share some of my insecurities with groups of leaders they sit up and listen – they are surprised – but guess what, they also related. I am not the only one with insecurities and in disclosing my issues I gain a hearing and encourage others. It gave me greater influence with them because in seeing the real me, they resonated with the issues I raised and it provided the framework for significant dialogue among us. I am continually amazed at the power of appropriate transparency.


Our transparency with others creates an atmosphere of transparency where it becomes safe to talk about those issues that plague us all but which we are afraid to disclose. Creating that atmosphere is a gift to the team you lead or the people you influence because hidden, these issues hurt us while they can be resolved or helped in the light. In doing so, we also create a culture of authenticity where struggles are acknowledged, people are encouraged and facades discouraged. It is a culture of authentic grace and truth.


This combination of grace and truth that characterized Christ is crucial to healthy transparency. Truth means that we are committed to walking in truth, speaking truth, and creating cultures of truth. But truth must always be balanced with grace if it is not going to be harsh and hard. And it starts with us in an honest, non-defensive way that does not blame or throw stones but simply lives and speaks truth as a way of life.


A culture of authenticity and honesty carries over to organizational culture as well. I am familiar with many churches and Christian organizations where there is more airbrushed gloss than truth about what is really happening in the ministry. Problems are ignored or spiritualized, problem people are not dealt with, and ministry effectiveness or lack of it is not honestly looked at. It is always interesting to see a more authentic leader come into such situations and actually name things for what they are! It is a refreshing change for those who didn’t like the facade and a threatening change for those who did. Many Christian organizations are just waiting for such a leader who is transparent about their personal challenges and the challenges of the ministry they lead.


My transparency as a leader encourages others to be transparent as well. My honesty elicits honesty among others and it is transparent honest discussion that allows an organization to draw out the best rather than hide the worst. If you are not naturally very self-disclosing or transparent I would encourage you to take some small intentional steps toward greater transparency. You will be surprised at how powerful that small step is in how others respond to you and the impact on the group you work with. It will encourage you to continue to increase your personal level of self disclosure.


Such transparency takes a level of courage and self confidence. For three years, I have written a blog (LeadingFromTheSandbox.blogspot.com). At times, what I have written has been used by a few against me claiming that what I write there does not equal how the organization I lead actually operates. They are right but miss the point. In calling the organization to a higher level we intentionally create a gap between where we are and where we aspire to be. Our goal is then to close the gap – but a gap will always be present as we continue to call the organization to even higher levels of excellence. I am willing to take the hits from the cynical and the perfectionist, both of whom will complain about the gap. At least the conversation opens up important issues for dialogue and my self disclosure is deeply appreciated by the majority of the organization.


Authentic self disclosure is a significant element in developing trust with others and within an organization. Trust is based on understanding the thinking of leaders, of minimizing surprises where possible, and providing venues for dialogue around important issues. That starts with the self disclosure of a leader who is willing to put the cards on the table and then invite dialogue. Secretive leaders engender mistrust while self disclosing leaders build high trust.


There is another venue for transparency that makes a great difference in ministry organizations and that is transparency over schedules and work. Ministry roles, particularly in the church or in mission work can often be unstructured (not a good thing) and without much accountability to others. Two consequences of this are first a lack of intentionality in schedules and work and second a lack of trust and reliability by leaders who live by the seat of their pants.


Picture a pastor who makes his schedule on the run, does not keep his staff up to speed on his priorities or schedule, and changes direction on the whim of the moment. I have consulted in situations like that and the common complaint is that “We don’t know what he does.” That is a dangerous place for a leader to be because behind that observation is a trust issue. Lack of information breeds mistrust because lack of accountability breeds mistrust.


All senior leaders in our organization make their online calendars available to one another which means that there is information available on what each one is up to. In addition, most months I publish my schedule by day to my prayer team so they can be praying through the month – again transparency and accountability. My point is that transparency in all areas of life is healthy: it models openness, it shuns secretiveness which is dangerous and it is a life of ongoing accountability. Transparency and accountability go hand in hand.


For those in ministry transparency also applies to ministry results. There is a significant tendency and perhaps pressure to speak “evangelistically” about what God is actually doing and the results of our ministries. Truth and honesty are high priorities for people of deep influence. They tell what is not what they wish it was. Dishonesty about ministry results is incompatible with the God of truth. And since ministry fruit is his ultimate responsibility we can leave those results with him.


The key themes here are honesty, openness, transparency and a life of truth all of which are connected to accountability. All of these qualities engender trust and model healthy life practices. Those practices keep our own lives in safe waters as well and contribute to lives of deep influence.

Non self disclosure

There are probably a number of reasons that we choose not to be as self-disclosing or transparent as we could. Perhaps the most common reason is that our pride prevents us from sharing lessons or situations where we have played a role, been less than we should be or really messed up. It is pride that causes evangelicals to wear false masks about their lives, pretending that all is well when in fact, they are struggling with significant life issues.



This is unfortunate because our lack of transparency often prevents other from understanding us, learning from us and allowing our lives to influence theirs. And it is not necessary if we are comfortable with who we are, how God made us and the fact that we are merely cracked pots (Paul’s language) that God graciously uses for his purposes.


There are several churches that I love to attend because there is a transparency among the people that is different than the norm. They are quick to strike up conversations and are equally willing to freely share their story of how they came to faith. There is no pretence or mask. They talk about failed marriages, struggles with pornography, affairs, bankruptcies, pride, relational breakdowns – and how God has redeemed them.


The lack of transparency among so many of us is a tactic to keep our dignity but in reality it hurts the very thing that we want most – spiritual influence. The reason that we go to the Psalms in times of difficulty is that we want honest faith not a fake faith. The reason we attract people when we are transparent is the same – people can relate to honest faith, real life, humanly irreparable situations but not fake faith. Thus the more transparent we are in our own lives, the more real we are to those around us and the more real we are the more influence we can have.


As a general rule, pride hides the true us in order to present an image which is better than we are. Humility (nothing to prove – nothing to lose) seeks to be who we are all the time, genuine versions of us. It is the real us rather than the false us which will be most powerful in the lives of others. People cannot relate to false personas (and usually see through them) but they can relate to real people. Further, simply being who we are means that we don’t need to manage a public me and a private me – a complicated dual persona to keep up. Just being me in the process of God’s transformation is a comfortable and honest place to live.


Since there will not be a perfect me till I see Jesus, I don’t have to pretend that there is. And being an imperfect me gives me the freedom to admit failure or sin or mistakes when they occur and simply say, “I am sorry, will you forgive me.” Those powerful words, too seldom used, bring great respect and the lack of them relational breakdown that can last for decades.


Pride, the nemesis of leaders, often keeps us from admitting our fault and in the effort to look good we end up hurting others and losing influence. It is the antithesis of a transparent life.


Another reason for lack of transparency is fear: fear that we will not look good, fear that others may not like us if they knew the real us and fear that others might use our information against us. On this last point, we clearly need to be wise in terms of what we disclose to whom. The rule is that the level of disclosure goes up as relational trust grows and we never simply disclose everything to everyone.


Think, though about messages you have heard that you really resonated with. Are they simply good theology or are they not also the disclosure of how the one preaching has personally wrestled with the theology? Truth without application is not very helpful. The application is where we most touch and understand the text itself. When I use my own struggles (funny or not) to illustrate the truth, I invite in others who can relate to my story. It happens through transparency and self-disclosure.


Self-disclosure and transparency are a choice that we make about how open we are willing to be. That choice will in large part determine how much influence we have with those around us. Transparency is really about authenticity. It is living with a commitment that we will be who we are with whomever we are with all the time. It is living without masks or facades.


It is also about an unselfish life where we make the effort to invite others into our lives, knowing that there is a price to pay for that: our time and energy. Selfishness says leave me alone – it is easier that way. Selflessness says I care about you and am willing to open my life to you.

Unfinished Business

On December 4, 2007 I went to the emergency room because of severe breathing difficulties. What followed was a 43 day hospital stay, 35 of them in the ICU hovering between life and death. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that I survived against impossible medical odds. I was fifty one years old at the time. It is sobering to me that I never should have woken up from my drug induced coma or seen my 52nd birthday.



None of us know how many days are allotted to us except God who wrote each one of them in his book long before we were born. What we do know is that God gives us the time we need to fulfill His assignment for us on this earth just as He did Jesus. This is why intentional living is so important. We want to live at the intersection of His call and His gifting for His purposes.


Living with clarity is living with the recognition that life is a gift, each day is a day of grace and life’s duration is uncertain. Therefore we want to live with as little unfinished business in our lives as possible. There is great freedom in that because unfinished business is like weights in our backpacks that we carry around – burdens that weigh on our conscience or hearts. That weight can be areas of our lives that we have not completely given to God, relationships that are broken and need reconciliation, things that God has been nudging us about but we have not responded, or other areas of life where we have unresolved issues.


People of deep influence live with great freedom because they are intentional about living with as little unfinished business as possible. To the extent that it depends on them they do what they can to live in the freedom of a clear conscience before God and others. Paul lived this way and wrote to the Corinthians….


Periodically I ask myself what unfinished business there is in my life. Usually there is some since God continually reveals to me new areas where I need to press into Him or pursue a higher level of obedience. We will never be free from all unfinished business until we see Him face to face but continually closing that gap rather than living with the burden is freedom.


This is also why I live with an annual plan (Key Result Areas and my Annual Ministry Plan). In living intentionally rather than accidentally I ensure that I do not forget what God’s big rocks for my life are and that I have a plan for living them out. Each month, on my retreat day I revisit that annual plan and realign my life and priorities around it. At the end of each year I craft my plan for the coming year. This applies to both my professional and personal life.


A critical area for unfinished business is in the area of relationships. This side of heaven we will never be free from conflict in relationships. The Apostle Paul had people who intentionally hurt his ministry. In addition, there were relational breakdowns with Barnabas who had mentored and encouraged him over another relational breakdown with John Mark. Jesus had his detractors in the Pharisees. And in leadership, there will always be people who disagree with a leader’s direction or simply don’t like him or her. It is one of the inevitable burdens of leadership.


People of deep influence understand this. But they are also men and women of peace who are always willing – to the extent that they can – to bring relational peace and understanding. They will go the second and third mile to resolve what can be resolved and then live at peace with what cannot be resolved.


This is not an easy discipline. It means that when others fight dirty with us we don’t respond with their tactics (innocent as doves but wary as serpents). Sometimes, living at peace means that we live with the pain that others inflict and leave our reputations to God. Sometimes it means that we agree to disagree but refuse to fight, slander or impugn those who may do that to us. Sometimes it means sitting down and listening carefully, trying to understand another’s point of view even if we do not agree with is.


This is not about accepting unbiblical behavior – which so often occurs in the church or Christian organizations behind a masquerade of spiritual rhetoric. It does mean that we do not respond in the spirit that others may display toward us and that to the extent that we can we will live at peace with all people. Where we need to confront we will do so with honesty but also the desire for understanding and reconciliation. When that is not possible we may have to take action as leaders but we remain committed to displaying Godly character and not sinning ourselves in our anger or pain.


The test of our character is not when all is going well but when we are under attack. That is when what God has built into our core being, the recesses of our lives becomes evident. People of deep influence are slow to anger, willing to confront in love, always desire understanding and reconciliation, are wise and measured in their response to attack and refuse to adopt the tactics of revenge but leave their reputations in the hands of God.


This last issue of our reputation is perhaps one of the hardest lessons to learn. I have had periods of life where my reputation was dragged through the mud by those who despised me. I don’t know of any good leader who has no had this happen to them. Everything in me wanted to fight back, set the record straight and get even with those who had inflicted deep pain.


One of the most valuable lessons I learned from David in Psalm 73 and 37 is that at the end of the day, God is able to defend my reputation far better than I ever can – and when I try I end up adopting the very tactics that I found repugnant. What God wanted of me is to live with His character, in the power of His spirit and let Him deal with those who hurt me in His (usually) gentle way and allow Him to deal with my reputation. It is in these times when I learned the most valuable lessons of character and leadership.


There is great freedom in keeping unfinished business to a minimum. It is the freedom that comes from living out the clarity of what God has called us to without the burden of heavy emotional loads or unclear consciences to weigh us down.

Saying No and feeling good about it

Living with clarity is all about understanding what God has called us too personally and the team or organization we lead. A test of our clarity is our ability to say no – often – and feel good about it afterwards!



This may sound strange as most of us are wired to say yes – or more accurately, wired to please others. We have been trained that yes is a positive word and no is a negative word. The truth is that for people who live with great clarity of God’s call on their lives, yes is often a negative word and no is often a positive word.


Clarity is understanding who we are and what God has called us to do. By definition that means clarity also defines who we are not and what God has not called us to do. Yet, the activity of our lives, the expectations of others and the opportunities that come to people of influence all conspire to take clarity and turn it into functional ambiguity.


Yes and no are two of the most powerful words in any language. They define what is important to us, what we are called to and how we will invest our time. The test of personal clarity is our ability to use both words and feel good about it because in doing so – even saying no often – we are actually protecting the calling God has on our lives and refusing to be diverted by good but not essential activities.


As a young leader I was more driven by yes than no, both because I wanted to please those I led and because I did not have the focused clarity I have today. The years have been a progression of greater clarity and self-definition driven by better understanding of what God has called me to uniquely do.


This is equally true on an organizational level. Every organization has a mission that defines it and hopefully guiding principles, a central ministry focus and a culture that it is intentionally creating. That clarity of focus can easily be subverted by trying to be everything to everyone, whether in a church or other ministry. Leaders spend a great amount of time and attention to bringing maximum clarity to the organization they lead and then keeping that clarity in front of everyone all the time.


This requires the discipline and the courage to say no to many good things that are not congruent with the main things God has called that ministry to. I lead an international mission whose mission is to see Gospel centered churches multiplied worldwide. While we are holistic in our approach we do not engage in holistic ministry that is unrelated to the multiplication of Gospel centered churches. We are not called primarily to be an aid organization but to see Gospel centered churches multiplied. This means that we must say no to many good opportunities in order to say yes to the call of God on our international mission.


This is the central point either personally or organizationally. A no is really a yes. In saying no to many things we say yes to the specific call of God on our lives or our ministry. Following the call of God is an ongoing series of yes and no choices that keep us in the lane He has called us to be in. Seen in that light, both yes and no are positive words and they represent intentional choices that allow us to fulfill God’s unique call on our lives.


People of deep influence are highly focused individuals who understand, embrace and live out God’s call on their lives. That clarity allows them to maximize their influence in line with their gifting. They understand that diffuse focus yields diffuse results while a laser focus yields powerful results and their choices reflect that intentional focus.


In my role I do a great deal of international travel. While in the past I might do a variety of things internationally, today my focus is very specific: training and mentoring ReachGlobal or national leaders, helping leaders think strategically about their ministries and teaching leadership principles. There are many other qualified individuals who can do other things but this is what I am best at and therefore where I will have the most impact. If these elements are not present I will usually say no to a request for my international presence.


It is the clarity of understanding God’s call on my life and His gifting that allows me to determine what I say yes or no to - and to feel good about the decision. And with that clarity comes great freedom to be the person God created me to be.

Knowing what God has called us to do

Earlier this week I received an updated life plan from a friend which he updates on a periodic basis. It is his best read on what God is calling him to do with his life based on his passion and gifting. Once a month on his personal retreat day he will review that plan knowing that while the specifics of where he might work or the position he might have are unknowns, that the major roles he desires to play are roles that he believes were made for him.



As we mature we come to realize that there are roles in life that we do not want to play and are not gifted for. Knowing what we don’t want to do narrows the field. The next area of helpful clarity is understanding the roles that we believe God created us for and it comes from a deep understanding of our strengths, our God given passions and the formative streams that make up our life story.


This is what I know about myself:


 I love to write and I believe God desires that it be a major part of what I do


 I am a third culture kid to the core who needs international involvement


 I am passionate about the spread of the church globally


 I love to lead and I need an organization to lead


 I care deeply about intentional living


 I love to develop new leaders at a high level


Consider taking a moment and making the short list of what you know about yourself. My own current role would be seen as convergence between what I know about myself and the role I play. Along my career path I had pieces of these but it was not until I was in my late forties that I had all of them. Of course, I did not know myself as well in the earlier years either as self knowledge takes time and experimentation along the way. The good thing is that it is often in our fifties and sixties that we have the most significant influence and a good part of that is being clear about what God has called us to do.


Assuming you took some moments to make the short list, how much convergence is there between what you know about yourself and God’s call on your life and where you are in your current role. My friend who has a life plan has come to the conclusion that he must change roles – and quickly – because he is not in a place of convergence – his sweet spot – and the lack of convergence is causing him significant unhappiness. He is not in a place where he can significantly play to his strengths.


Knowing what God has called us to do is a very freeing thing. That clarity allows us to say no to all kinds of opportunities and the freedom to focus in on those opportunities that best fit us and God’s macro call on our lives. The specifics may change but the macro themes should become clearer and more focused as we move into our fifties and sixties.

Being Comfortable in our own Skin

The self assurance that comes with being comfortable in our own skin is a huge gift when we achieve it. For me it took many years. This is a combination of understanding ourselves, knowing our strengths and shadow sides, and the lane we were made to run in. It is living with a divine OK that we are who we are and that we are not what we are not – and never will be and that too is OK. It is the place where we no longer have anything to prove or lose so there is the freedom to just be who God made us to be.



As a child I was painfully shy. Pictures of our family at the beach always had me holding a book. I had a book everywhere I went and while I had a few close friends, my friendships were not wide. When we arrived back from Hong Kong in 1971 I attended a high school where the idea of travelling was going deer hunting in Wisconsin! My world had been huge, and now I was with people whose world was very small. I fit in but I didn’t.


At the same time I was thrust into leadership positions – youth group, Inter-Varsity, Senior Pastor – an interesting juxtaposition for someone as reserved as I was. And, like many young leaders, I had both confidence in my leadership and suffered at times from insecurity – hidden from others of course. The truth was that I was not yet comfortable in my own skin and lived at times with significant anxiety, especially when I was taking shots from others in the pastorate.


Getting to comfort in our own skin is essential to a leader. It takes time and intentionality. For me it took time to learn to enjoy being an introvert in an extrovert job and today it fits me well. It took time to learn that I didn’t have to have the answer to all problems, or live with anxiety when crisis hit. It took time to learn to trust my instincts when I needed to make a call.


Intentionality is part of the equation too. Learning to live with a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude lifts all kinds of weight from our shoulders. Choosing to be transparent rather than holding our cards close to our vest allows others to understand us. Learning how to be self defining, honest and upfront while still staying connected to those who might disagree with us keeps us in relationship rather than cutting relationships off.


Being OK with who God made me to be is a component of being comfortable in our own skin. I can become a better me but I will always be me and not someone else, no matter how hard I try. I will always be a slightly reserved, analytical leader with a few deep relationships who loves to lead through team, conquer territory for Jesus, enjoys work more than play (fly fishing and time with close friends excepted), is the product of an international upbringing and needs to explore the world and has an irrational optimism for the church of Christ. That is me and I am comfortable with me because God chose to make me who I am. I figure He knew something I didn’t and He is God and I am not! Fortunately for the world there is only one me.


Now here comes the rub for all of us. There will be those who don’t like the me that God made us to be. They want us to be a different version of me that better fits their concept of a leader. I have had my share of those who were convinced either that God made a mistake in the me He crafted or that I was unqualified to be their leader. If you lead, you know what I am talking about. In my early years as a leader, I was tempted to try to be who they wanted me to be but it never worked. God made me the way He made me and I will never be someone else. Today, I am not threatened by those who think I should be a different version of me. Not only will it not happen but it is not what God intended.


This is where leading through team is so important. I have many deficits but the better the team that I have, the fewer those deficits impact the organization as a whole. If someone in the organization does not like my leadership style there is certainly someone on the team that they resonate with.


Understanding ourselves and how we are wired is crucial to becoming comfortable in our own skin. In addition, growing our EQ health is equally important. Those who are comfortable in their own skin either are so because of deep arrogance (I am right so I don’t have to worry about what others think) or are deeply cognizant of who they are (strengths and weaknesses) and are sensitive to the needs and issues of others. The former “comfortableness” is damaging to those around them. The latter is a comfortableness of understanding, wiring, calling, and deep humility that allows one to lead from who God made them to be and with great sensitivity to those around them.


Humility is central to this equation. Pride is concerned about how others see us, being right, managing our reputation and image. Humility is knowing that we have nothing to prove and nothing to lose, that we don’t need to manage our reputation or image and that we are simply broken vessels (the Apostle Paul’s words) whom God uses for His purposes. In fact, I thank God for every fissure and crack in the pottery that makes me who I am because those divine scars made me comfortable in my own skin.

Pursuing Wisdom

Conventional wisdom is always conventional and rarely wisdom. All one needs to do is to look at the life choices so many make to know that true wisdom is in short supply today. The book of Proverbs says that there is no greater gift than that of wisdom which starts with the Fear of the Lord and then cascades down into our lives, relationships, priorities, and ministries. All of life is to be soaked in the wisdom from above (James).



From a Biblical perspective, wisdom is the ability to look at life, situations and relationships from God’s viewpoint and to respond in ways that are consistent with His character but which are also smart and prudent. Wisdom takes into account potential solutions and unintended consequences. It then charts a course of action that is most likely to be productive and minimize the unintended consequences.


From time to time as an organizational leader I have had to intentionally move someone out of the organization because of disruptive behavior. As a leader I have the responsibility to guard the ministry. As a Christ follower, I want to do so in as redemptive a way possible. How I proceed is a matter of wisdom, taking into account all the relevant factors, including the knowledge that the individual in question has a constituency and that if my actions are perceived as being harsh or unfair, they will respond negatively and cause additional issues for the organization.


Wisdom requires the pursuit of God, the pursuit of an understanding of ourselves, the counsel of others and a willingness to go against the tide of conventional thinking. For men and women of deep influence, the pursuit of wisdom and the translation of wisdom into the everyday situations they face is a top priority. A life of wisdom creates a powerful influence because it is a living out of the very wisdom of God.


Wise individuals think deeper, act slower and with more prudence and forethought than those who lack wisdom. Because of their measured responses they are more likely to act with both grace and truth and minimize unintended consequences. They can both think grey and be decisive when they need to be. They are unthreatened by other strong opinions and invite those opinions to the table. They are also wise enough to know what they don’t know and to listen carefully to others. They are genuine pursuers of wisdom.


As I have matured in my own life I have learned that knee jerk reactions to situations are usually more harmful than productive. I have learned to curb my tendency to becoming anxious over situations that produce the need to act “now.” Rather I have learned that time is usually on my side, that trustworthy counselors will keep me from making foolish decisions and that measured responses are far better than quick responses. In essence, I have grown in wisdom and that growth has helped me lead better and has resulted in deeper influence.


I am a fan of the wisdom literature in Scripture. I am challenged by what is classified as “foolish” and drawn to the life of the “wise.” I see where I have been the fool and where I have grown in my wisdom. I am reminded that truly wise individuals are contrarian thinkers in the eyes of the world. They go against the stream of common wisdom. I am also reminded that it is as I think deeply and Biblically and heed the counsel of other wise individuals that I am at my best and avoid my worst. And finally, I am reminded of how far I have to go!